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  • Originally posted by mtbrncofn
    But of course!
    I knew it!

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    • >ث†
      >If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
      >syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
      >story below will have you laughing out LOUD! It is a story told by one
      >father to another. It is not atypical as one might think.
      >Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
      >Here's what happened:
      >Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
      >"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
      >in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
      >"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
      >I
      > put my best lizard-healer
      > statement on my face and followed
      >him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
      >lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what
      >to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
      >أ¢*إ“Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
      >babies."
      >
      >"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
      >Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought
      >we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
      >
      >"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
      >she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
      >
      >"No, but
      > you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
      >(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
      >together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
      >
      >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
      >she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
      >
      >By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
      >I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
      >be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the
      >miracle of birth."
      >
      >"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
      >
      >"Well, isn't THAT just
      > Great! What are we going to do with a litter
      >of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
      >think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
      >
      >We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like
      >a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
      >"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
      >
      >"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!"
      >my son urged.
      >
      >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
      >it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
      >several more times with the same
      > results.
      >
      >"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
      >could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
      >the females in my house?)
      >
      >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
      >with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe,"
      >he urged.
      >
      >"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him. (Women
      >can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
      >one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
      >
      >The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
      >
      >little animal through a magnifying glass.
      >"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
      >
      >"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
      >speak to you privately for a moment?"
      >
      >I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to
      >be okay?" my wife asked.
      >
      >"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
      >In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see,
      >Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
      >like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
      > Just
      >the way he did, lying on his back."
      >
      >He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
      >Mr.Cameron."
      >
      >We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited,"
      >my wife offered.
      >
      >"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
      >
      >More silence.
      >
      >Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And
      >then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing,
      >but not believing that the woman I married would commit
      >the
      > upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
      >
      >Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that.. I'm
      >picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she
      >gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
      >
      >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and
      >hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
      >He was glad everything was going to be okay.
      >
      >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
      >"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
      >
      >2 - lizards -
      > $140...
      >1 - Cage - $50...
      >Trip to the Vet - $30...
      >Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's whacker...Priceless..

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Blueflame
        Nice to see you've found your way to the Treehouse, Atlas!


        Budlight!! For me?? I love you Blueflame

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        • Originally posted by Atlas
          Budlight!! For me?? I love you Blueflame
          Wish this smiley still worked... :cheers: Guess we'll have to live with this one instead.

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          • Bwahahaahhahaha, Blue! The lizard thing was priceless!

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            • Wow, the Tree house is accumulating cobwebs. Better open it up and let it air out in here....

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              • Yeah, you men should get to cleaning it or something.

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                • Nah, that's a woman's job. A man's job is to sit around, drink beer, watch Broncos football and ogle the women......

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                  • Well since this is your guys' Treehouse and we're GUESTS, we should be allowed that luxury...except we would probably want to change the whole ogling women thing to ogling men.

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                    • Ogling men Where's the fun in that?

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                      • Comment


                        • Ok, I don't know how this happened but I just GOTTA bring the treehouse out of the mothballs! Girls, get in here and start dusting....'cough cough'

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Alkazar
                            Ok, I don't know how this happened but I just GOTTA bring the treehouse out of the mothballs! Girls, get in here and start dusting....'cough cough'
                            I'm not cleaning...call the cleaning crew!
                            But I'll take a nice cold beer!

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                            • Done! Here ya go, scuse the cobwebs tho...Still nice and cold!

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                              • Originally posted by Sassy
                                I'm not cleaning...call the cleaning crew!
                                But I'll take a nice cold beer!
                                Make yourself useful girl! Clean this mess up in here so us men can drink beer and talk about Victoria Secret models

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