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  • post your favorite bar story or joke

    I'll start it off with this one....

    The Scotsman, the Englishman, and the Irishman

    As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
    In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....
    The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
    When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London,
    the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
    favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were skeptical of the claims.
    "Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

  • #2
    this is your best post ever by a mile

    I always feel like everyone should brush up on their Irish jokes heading into Saint Patrick's Day.


    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw, it. It would taste better if ya jus bought one at a time lad."

    The Irishman replies, "Well, ya see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the utter in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised each utter that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self, ya know a tradition."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on yar grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on yar great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

    "Oh, no. Everyone's fine, me brothers are fine" he explains, "It's just that I gave up drinking for Lent."

    Comment


    • #3
      A Grizzly Bear walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What can I get for you?"

      The Grizzly Bear replies, "I will have a jack. . . and a coke."

      The bartender says, "Why the pause?"

      To which the bear responds, "Paws? I have had these my whole life."

      Comment


      • #4
        A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town.
        Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst.
        After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.

        Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling "Big Jake's comin'!"
        Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar.

        Sure enough, a huge, seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.

        The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing "Gimme a drink!"

        The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar.
        The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.

        At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked "Sir, would you care for another?"

        To which the cowboy replied, "Nope. I gotta go. Big Jake's comin'!"

        Comment


        • #5
          this thread needs help!

          GET READY TO SMILE

          Be assured,
          the karmic knot
          is not some fable but a great cosmic joke.

          When it unwinds
          inscrutably
          things are revealed
          for what they truly are
          ––––for they are seldom as they appear.

          Friend, prepare to lose your seat.

          If you can take the heat…
          you will be amazed
          to learn that your failed affair
          (that shattered your poor heart beyond repair)
          was your lucky day
          ––––a narrow escape!

          So, let the program run.

          Your worst misfortune,
          the one that blasted hope,
          was a blessing in disguise––––what fun!

          Amaze again when all places turn
          out to be the same, the world’s a playground
          and every day a holiday.

          Comment


          • #6
            Knock knock....


            who's there?


            Woo.

            Woo who?

            Comment


            • #7
              Three dudes go into the pharmacy to get condoms, and end up a line together.

              The first guy goes up to the pharmacists and asks for condoms. The pharmacist says, "Ahhh, for your ethnic group, we have a special seven-pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday". The guy says "Great!" and buys 'em.

              The next guy gets to the counter, asks for condoms, and the pharmacist says "We have a special nine-pack for you guys. One for every day of the week, plus one more for both Friday and Saturday." The guy says "awesome!" and buys 'em.

              The third guy, the white guy, has heard all this and gets to the counter. The pharmacist says "We have a 12-pack for you guys." The white guy is getting all excited. The pharmacist says "January, February, March, April ... "

              Comment


              • #8
                When I was a teenager, our car broke down outside a dingy old bar in Sheridan, Colorado on Federal Blvd next to the Route 285 overpass. There was a drunk that stumbled out of the bar and was lingering while we were using the pay phone. Unfortunately, my dog took interest in him and got up on his hind legs and tried to lick the front of the man's pants where there was a foamy wet white stain of some sort.

                We can only hope it was booze.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

                  "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, from London Heathrow to New York, Kennedy Airport.

                  The weather en route is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

                  So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

                  Silence followed. Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom

                  "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

                  From the back of the plane, an Irish voice was heard....

                  "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back o' mine!"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    you clowns are in for it now...

                    .
                    Attached Files

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Something that happened at the Super Bowl...

                      An older gentleman had 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl.

                      As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

                      “No,” the man replied, The seat is empty.”

                      “This is incredible” said the first man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?

                      The Second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we go married in 1967.”

                      “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

                      The man shook his head. “No, They’re all at the funeral.”

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        So Houghtam walks into his favorite gay bar and he spots Rigs11 sitting at the bar so he goes over and whispers in his ear “Can I push your stool in”?

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