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Old 08-21-2011, 11:36 PM   #1
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Default Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow

Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter


DENVER—Jesus Christ, noted Son of God and football analyst proclaimed Monday that second-year Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow lacks the pocket presence, arm strength, and passing accuracy necessary to be a starter in the NFL. “Tim’s place is at the right hand of the other backups on the bench, and his earthly works show that he deserves to dwell there all the days of his life,” said Lord and Savior of all mankind, adding, ““It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for Tim Tebow to complete a pass against the Cover-2”. “For Tebow must have faith in coach Fox’s plan, and pay his dues by wearing the headset, and by calling in plays from the clipboard while watching from the sidelines.” Christ also asked Tebow to stop praying to Him and asking to be made the number one quarterback in the depth chart, claiming “that’s never going to ****ing happen.”

---------------------

I'm excited to contribute another thread about our 3rd string QB.

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...-be-nfl,21167/

Last edited by Blart; 08-22-2011 at 08:11 PM..
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Old 08-21-2011, 11:55 PM   #2
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Pretty good stuff, though I don't think the final sentence was needed. I realize that type of closing is fairly standard for the Onion, but the Biblical football quotes were funnier than the concept of Jesus dropping an F-bomb.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:04 AM   #3
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I lol'd
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:32 AM   #4
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In before DrFate hates!
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:49 AM   #5
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In before DrFate hates!
Morning Kaylore.

(It's still not funny)
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:53 AM   #6
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tebow=tbow=crossbow=cross bow
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:54 AM   #7
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Pretty good stuff, though I don't think the final sentence was needed. I realize that type of closing is fairly standard for the Onion, but the Biblical football quotes were funnier than the concept of Jesus dropping an F-bomb.
Agreed. JC doesn't drop F-Bombs.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:02 AM   #8
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I'm pretty sure Jesus had no idea which words would be frowned upon in a foreign land/culture/language 2011 years in the future. As long as it wasn't his pop's name in vain, that is.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:10 AM   #9
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'The Onion' - not even a chuckle, since 1988.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:18 AM   #10
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I'm pretty sure Jesus had no idea which words would be frowned upon in a foreign land/culture/language 2011 years in the future. As long as it wasn't his pop's name in vain, that is.
He just said it on Monday... Tebow didn't play 2011 years ago...

The op isn't funny though. They wrote a joke that everyone has used for years now and theirs was one of the least funny of them.

Last edited by jhns; 08-22-2011 at 07:21 AM..
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:19 AM   #11
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Love the people who feel the need to rush into every Onion thread and declare it to be unfunny. Not everything can be as funny as your well worn Larry The Cable Guy DVD.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:20 AM   #12
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Not everything can be as funny as your well worn Larry The Cable Guy DVD.
He's not funny either.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:27 AM   #13
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Love the people who feel the need to rush into every Onion thread and declare it to be unfunny. Not everything can be as funny as your well worn Larry The Cable Guy DVD.
Post of August.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:29 AM   #14
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Hahaha
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:32 AM   #15
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Love the people who feel the need to rush into every Onion thread and declare it to be unfunny. Not everything can be as funny as your well worn Larry The Cable Guy DVD.
Duh. Larry is the ****. A joke from a comedy site should be a little more clever than the average orange mane joke though. I like some stuff from the onion but this one was disappointing.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:46 AM   #16
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tebow=tbow=crossbow=cross bow
This.....or something.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:47 AM   #17
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He's not funny either.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:56 AM   #18
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I'm not (I laughed at the jpg, by the way)

I have a great sense of humor - i just have never found anything from the Onion funny.

Last edited by DrFate; 08-22-2011 at 08:29 AM..
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:57 AM   #19
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I pity you people.
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:02 AM   #20
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I pity you people.
http://bibleencyclopedia.com/pity.htm
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:03 AM   #21
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I pity you people.

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Old 08-22-2011, 09:26 AM   #22
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Quote:
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I'm excited to contribute another thread about our 3rd string QB.

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...-be-nfl,21167/


Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter


DENVER—Jesus Christ, noted Son of God and football analyst proclaimed Monday that second-year Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow lacks the pocket presence, arm strength, and passing accuracy necessary to be a starter in the NFL. “Tim’s place is at the right hand of the other backups on the bench, and his earthly works show that he deserves to dwell there all the days of his life,” said Lord and Savior of all mankind, adding, ““It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for Tim Tebow to complete a pass against the Cover-2”. “For Tebow must have faith in coach Fox’s plan, and pay his dues by wearing the headset, and by calling in plays from the clipboard while watching from the sidelines.” Christ also asked Tebow to stop praying to Him and asking to be made the number one quarterback in the depth chart, claiming “that’s never going to ****ing happen.”
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:47 AM   #23
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I'm not (I laughed at the jpg, by the way)

I have a great sense of humor - i just have never found anything from the Onion funny.
Clearly not from Wisconsin.

Before it went worldwide on the net, it was a Madison based production and drop dead hilarious with every turn of the page.

An example of its golden era:

Chris Farley Has Hilarious Cardiac Arrest

NEW YORK—Obese comedian Chris Farley delighted dozens of onlookers Thursday, suffering an uproarious heart attack at a Manhattan restaurant. “He was enjoying our $10.99 all-you-can-eat lasagna special,” said Il Trattoria owner Ed Gianelli, “when he turned all red and started pounding on his chest. He then flopped onto a nearby table, smashing it into splinters and sending food flying in all directions. I was in hysterics. This guy is the next Belushi.”

-------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately not quite as funny now that he's dead :/
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:49 AM   #24
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Not from Wisconsin, no.

How is imagining someone having a heart attack funny?
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:52 AM   #25
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“It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for Tim Tebow to complete a pass against the Cover-2”.

Nice...
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