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Old 04-06-2011, 10:12 AM   #1
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Default Tim Tebow Dreams of Jeannie

For offseason. Episode One

1. As part of the NFL’s lame attempts to curry fan favor, after a season culminating in a near catastrophic Superbowl featuring a favored team captained by a three-time rapist, with a felonious dog torturer/killer nearly making it as well, topped off by a half-time performance that was not only conceived by someone with cocaine delirium but also made Janet Jackson’s leathery saggy tit look good, and with the next season held hostage by billionaires determined to bust a union that’s membership had gone from broken down jocks working warehouse jobs in offseasons to entitled millionaires, Roger Goodall convinced Tim Tebow to reunite with Josh McDaniels and lead a Toys for Tots campaign to Baghdad.

Somewhere, over the desert, things go terribly wrong ....

[Inside a C-130, at the rear of the cargo bay, Tim and Josh sit in two jumpseats surrounded by mountains of toys.]

“Former Coach, I’ve been meaning to ask why to all those Barbie Dolls only have one arm?”

“Tim, Dan Snyder contributed the toys. You see, Mattel had an assembly line failure when the part that stuck on the left arms broke, and nobody noticed until the line shoved out a gazzillion Barbies, and Dan bought the whole load of crap for a couple of hundred bucks..”

“But, why?”

“He was gonna have some child labor in Haiti sew little Redskin Cheerleader unis, stick them on the dolls, and make the chump season ticket holders buy one each for twenty bucks.”

“That’s despicable.”

“Yeah, well first he was gonna move the team down there, and sell package deals to the chumps so they’d fly down for the games and get two days with child sex workers, you choose the sex, or get one of each for a few extra bucks, but Goodall nixed that saying ‘the God Damn anti-football Jesus wannabees would cry like THEY were the ones getting ass-raped.’ Still, you gotta give Snyder credit, he bought all those dolls for a song, but he’s claiming millions in tax deductions for letting the Iraqis have em. He said, ‘paying taxes is for chumps who buy tickets, not for smart guys like team owners.’ I respect that.”

“But surely we can give those poor children decent toys.”

“Tim, Tim, Tim, look, thousands of those kids have odd numbers of limbs themselves, they won’t think twice about one-armed dolls.”

Tim stares open-mouthed.

“Mind the toys, Tim, I gotta find me a men’s room on this thing. Christ, you’d think they’d at least give us real stews on this cheap-ass gig. I’m not some ****ing redneck doing an Eye-rack tour cause my dad couldn’t afford to send me to college.” Josh unbuckles his seat belt and heads up-cabin.

Tim closes his eyes in prayer. “Oh Lord, please save him, and please show me the way to make these Barbies right for the little children.”

Meanwhile up-cabin, Josh searches for a toilet “Where the hell do they put the piss-hole on these damn things? Dumb ass soldiers probably don’t know any better than to piss in bottles. Hey, here’s a door. Hmm, thing’s locked. Wonder if this little green button opens something......” An electric humm echos through the cargo bay, and the entire back of the cargo bay floor descends to reveal a blue sky.

“Well, ****! Stupid ****ing airplane!!” [Josh beats the green button with a fist.]

[Meanwhile, the praying Tebow and all the toys slide down the chute, out the cargo bay, and into the sky.]

“****, ****, ****. I lost ANOTHER quarterback. Look a red button.” [Mashes it, and the bay door closes.] “****! ... No wait, don’t panic, you’re a genius cause you worked for Bill Bellichek, maybe nobody will notice they’re missing. . . . It’s possible. . . . . No, no, it’s not possible. And, they’ll blame ME, just like they always do, and it’s not FAIR . ... lazy bastard ****s.” Josh beats his fist futilely against the door.

Suddenly the door opens, and a Air Force pilot asks, “May I help you, Sir?”

“You stupid ****ing incompetent idiots just lost Tim Tebow and the toys!!!”
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:13 PM   #2
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Tim Tebow dreams of Jeannie? I had dreams of Barbara Eden, back in the day...
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:26 PM   #3
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Tim Tebow dreams of Jeannie? I had dreams of Barbara Eden, back in the day...
That makes 2 of us
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:54 PM   #4
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I had dreams of finding these outfits

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Old 04-06-2011, 03:19 PM   #5
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ummm, wat?
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:15 PM   #6
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:46 PM   #7
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:03 PM   #8
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:25 PM   #9
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This is almost too obvious.
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:41 PM   #10
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:35 AM   #11
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Episode Two

2. Falling through the sky surrounded by one armed Barbies, Tebow prays, “Lord, spare me to do Your work......”

Tim and the Barbies miraculously land on a giant sand dune. “Thank You Lord for breaking my fall .... but I’m sinking in all this sand ....” Tim goes under, sinking, sinking, and his hand by some weird chance grasps onto a hard cylindrical object, and just when he thinks his life is over, he realizes .... wait, I can swim, yes I can swim out of this sand dune! His head breaks the surface and he breast strokes to the edge of the dune.

Laying on his side, panting Tim asks, “Thank You for saving me, Lord. But, what is this thing I found? How strange. It’s an old bottle of Beam’s Choice whiskey, not that I drink, but back at Florida you’d nearly break your neck walking through the dorm parking lots with all those whiskey bottles, and the worst was that if you didn’t break your neck it’d only be because you fell on all the used condoms littering up the place .... I’m so thirsty, but I really shouldn’t ..... “

Tim pulls the bottle stopper, and a strange mist comes from the bottle’s mouth, forming into a beautiful blond female jeannie clad in a revealing harem costume. Tim stares, amazed, as the Jeannie steps forward and kisses him passionately on the lips.

“Miss, Miss, where’d you come from?” She murmers something in language that might be Farsi, as she kisses his neck as a hand moves slowly down Tebow’s chest.

“Miss, Miss [higher cracking voice as her hand finds its destination] MISS. Please answer me? Can’t you speak English?”

Jeannie, “Oh, yes, Master, I can speak English. May I disrobe for you, now?”

“NO, you may NOT disrobe! Who are you; where’d you come from?”

“I am Jeannie, and I came from the bottle which you found. I have been imprisoned in that bottle for 2000 years. I have been thinking of what I would do for the man who rescued me. I have been thinking of nothing but that, and I am ready.” She again cups his manhood.

“Well, you’re certainly beautiful ....”

“Thank you.” Plucking at his zipper fly “How does this unbutton?”

Tim grasps Jeannie’s hand and continues, “. . . and I’m surely thinking of it to, but the Bible says it is wrong to have sex with someone you don’t love.”

“I do not know of this ‘Bible’ but anyway I do love you. A horrible man put me in there because I would not do with him what I will do with you. But now you have found me. I belong to you, Master.”

“Well, Jeannie, that was very cruel of him, and I’m very happy I could help you, but the Lord is my master, and I am not the master of anyone. The Lord is everyone’s master.

“I am Jeannie. I serve he who let me out of my bottle. I can grant your any wish, and fulfill all your desires. I will show you. You did not know you desired me to do this, did you? ........... But now you desire that I not stop doing this .......”

“Oh Lord, through you all things are possible, save me from this ..... oh, oh ..... HO HO HO HO.......
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:42 AM   #12
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Hot Ham and cheese Valentine special

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIL7N1HkIrQ

Nah b****

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTTtVBePQYM
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:05 AM   #13
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:06 AM   #14
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David Bowens, he'd be an upgrade

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so are you.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:33 AM   #15
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This....


....I guess.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:34 AM   #16
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I was just thinking, in the Congresswomen thread Footsteps accused the mane of being stupid. I remember thinking that was rude and elitist of him. Then I saw this thread and thought "No, no. He's right."
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Old 04-07-2011, 04:13 PM   #17
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That makes 2 of us
I just saw her on a talk show, yesterday. Holy cow! She still looks pretty hot...
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Old 04-08-2011, 08:18 AM   #18
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I just saw her on a talk show, yesterday. Holy cow! She still looks pretty hot...
Pics of some hot granny action?
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Old 04-08-2011, 08:45 AM   #19
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