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Old 09-11-2009, 08:47 AM   #1
Archer81
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Default Maya Angelou's Predictions for 09/10 season...

http://splog.nationallampoon.com/art...-10-nfl-season


Maya Angelou’s predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season
Written by Douche Larue


As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys

Romo-thou art not a failure

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams



But a man in shining blue stars

Who holds all the cards

Of fortune,

is surely sheriff



A billion green faces have lain

Before you an exquisite new home

Where Buffalo need not roam

As long as T.O. catches in their town



The Jones of Jerry; Master of Cowboys

Has built a cathedral of success

For America’s team

The American Dream

Like blondes with high beams

A subject you know something about



Wrangle up some wins Tony R.

In the play-offs, you must ride far

Or next year at this time

You will be washing my car


The Jets


Jets, the Jets; soaring through the clouds

Hopes and dreams on the wings of Favre

Have come careening to the ground

Alas, a new pilot-Sanchez, this season will fly

Ready to pull back the throttle

And rise higher and higher into the sky

Fans line-up to for the chance to see

On the runway, as the green Jets taxi

The people rise, rise and crowd the airport gate

Sadly, they will still finish worse than 8 and 8.


The Bears


Chicago cold and windy

The lake stares briskly at you

Orton traveled to Denver

And so, the offense is born anew


The defense is like poetry

At the helm a man, Urlacher

As blanketing as a new fallen snow

The qb he will surely sack her


Traps for Bears don’t often succeed

But they often catch the Cubbies

So Chicago puts it hopes and dreams

On the shoulders of a man named Lovie



The Vikings






Brett Favre, Brett Favre

The people of Minnesota

Are starved, for a ring


Put on your majestic purple Four

And helmet—which proudly adorns

Those alabaster and unbreakable horns


And lead your men to battle

Greeen Bay shakes its death rattle

As new fans will help you mount the saddle



Because a championship ring is in their conception

The ball floats higher and higher and higher

Interception




The Panthers


Roaming in the fields of the Carolinas

Panthers, majestic, proud and black

Basking in a harvest of blue Peppers

Where Carolinians pick up there sacks



Alas, the Peppers have gone sour

And it ruins the farmer’s lunch

For he hath provided the defense

And Smith hath provided the punch



If Peppers does not return to Charlotte fields

Leaving all opponents–free to roam

Panthers of Carolina have dug their grave

Where mediocrity will call surely call Delhomme


The Bucs



Once, proud pirates on the seas of seven

Buccanears be not proud, furthermore

Their ship had begun taking on water



Cadillac is on cinderblocks

in the front yard

Cannons lay silent



The boat is taking on water

This isn’t even worth it

You suck.



The Patriots


Patirots, oh Patriots,

Where have thou gone?

Once a team of outrageous dexterity

Has put down their muskets of age

A man of steel has been laid to turf

His injured leg hath felt the dirt

And the steel of scalpel upon his knee

Had set his opponents,

Who had longed to be free

Freedom! They exclaimed

As the war carried on

Red, white and blue still fought at dawn

Patriots forever, no matter the case

As linebackers grew old

And victory,










They no longer could taste

But, out of a deep musty fog

your General has risen

So pick up your muskets

And release yourself from prison

He is the One to ease your worried painsFor he is the Man that moves your chains


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Old 09-11-2009, 09:09 AM   #2
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Hey, bud. If you were going for the opposite of funny, mission accomplished. Sorry man
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Old 09-11-2009, 09:12 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by TheReverend View Post
Hey, bud. If you were going for the opposite of funny, mission accomplished. Sorry man
+1....
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Old 09-11-2009, 09:34 AM   #4
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Looks like someone stopped reading poetry in the 18th century. Yipes.
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Old 09-11-2009, 09:43 AM   #5
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i don't see the section where she speaks on the Broncos...did i miss something?...
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Old 09-11-2009, 11:57 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheReverend View Post
Hey, bud. If you were going for the opposite of funny, mission accomplished. Sorry man
Well, he makes Maya Angelou look like a great poet--not a small accomplishment in and of itself.
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Old 09-11-2009, 12:16 PM   #7
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I'll save this thread

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Old 09-11-2009, 12:19 PM   #8
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wow, a truly god awful and embarassing attempt at satire. It's like something you would hear out of a high school nerd trying to be funny but failing.
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Old 09-11-2009, 01:29 PM   #9
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I'll respond in haiku:


This thread is funny.
Wait! No, it isn't! It's dumb!
What was I thinking?

or

Maya Angelou
What kind of dumb name is that?
Really dumb! That's what!

or

Sir Ky-En Eight One
started this thread - not sure why.
He almost seems gay!

or

I opened this thread.
Now I mourn the three minutes
I'll never get back.
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Old 09-11-2009, 01:38 PM   #10
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Quote:
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I'll save this thread

Amen Brotha
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Old 09-11-2009, 02:13 PM   #11
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imagination.
lacking in most people here
meh. football forum
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Old 09-12-2009, 01:31 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pseudofool View Post
Looks like someone stopped reading poetry in the 18th century. Yipes.
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Old 09-12-2009, 01:35 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by McDortoh View Post
I'll save this thread






Last edited by ZONA; 09-12-2009 at 01:38 AM..
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Old 09-12-2009, 01:37 AM   #14
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They suck!
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:20 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sirhcyennek81 View Post
Wrangle up some wins Tony R.
You're all just jealous because Maya didn't put you in the poem like she did me. I'm a big deal. A very big deal. Even May Angelou is inspired by me.
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