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Old 09-02-2009, 11:26 AM   #1
Dagmar
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As you know, operators are standing by here to solve all your sports questions, up to and including whether Joe Paterno voted for Lincoln.

Here's today's:

Dear Rick,
I was hoping you could settle a moral dilemma I am having. I have been a Broncos fan since the early '90s. I still think Mike Shanahan is a genius, and have always disliked anything stemming from the Belichick tree. I was also a big Jay Cutler fan. At what point does it become OK to disown a team when you feel they are no longer headed in the right direction? Can you be considered a fair-weather fan if you root for the Bears? -- Amery Curtis, San Diego

Dear Amery,

No, you would not be a fair-weather fan.

You wouldn't be any kind of fan. You'd be the kind of hairball that hairballs cough up. You would be lower than the crawl space under a flounder's basement.

You can't just bolt your team because you think it's going to suck. (Which the Broncos are. There is no debating that. They are going to lose more than France. Just because you worked under Bill Belichick and you wear your sweatshirt like Bill Belichick does not mean you are Bill Belichick.)

Your team is like your dog. You cannot just leave it because it's getting a limp and stares at the tennis ball you just threw.

You cannot just disown your team because it's going to start getting beaten like Denny's eggs.

Or because it signed somebody you hate or traded somebody you love.

Nor can you just up and bounce because you married Matthew Stafford's sister.

Or because you got transferred to another city.

Or because your team went 016 or couldn't beat a group of Lutheran ministers or has an owner who wears bad bow ties and wouldn't know a coffin corner from a coffee can.

Nor can you leave because your boys got caught cheating. In fact, you should feel shame. Their insecurity in trying to hang on to your fickle fandom caused them to cheat in the first place.

Your team is not a girlfriend. You are with it through thick and thin. Or, in the case of the Pittsburgh Pirates, through thin and thin. You must buck up and take the Ortons with the Cutlers. In sum: Grow a pair.

In fact, there are only 10 Officially Sanctioned Reasons You Can Abandon Your Lifelong Team for Another. There are these and only these. Everybody else needs to just drink their beer and shut up:

1. You actually play for that new team. In this case, you must still wear the cup of your old team during games.

2. You purchased that new team. However, you must have had a damn good reason for purchasing a rival. Michael Jordan can buy a piece of the Charlotte Bobcats because the Charlotte Bobcats can't win if locked in a gym with three pygmies. But if Jordan bought the Detroit Pistons? Bonfires of Air Jordans everywhere.

3. Your team hired male cheerleaders.

4. Your town's law enforcement permanently banned you from coming within 500 feet of your team's players, staff or stadium. Sure, sure, we know it was all a big misunderstanding. You were parked outside Peyton Manning's house with a telescope and three months of detailed charts because you are his personal astrologist.

5. Your spouse cheated on you with somebody from your team. With a starter, not some backup, coach or crappy PR intern. And you had to find out by some stomach-turning means, such as skywriting.

6. Your team is approaching its 50th year of one-family ownership and still hasn't won diddly. This is known as The Darwin Rule and allows you to escape, free of charge. Good example: The Fords of Detroit. No wonder 10 of the 22 declared NFL fan free agents at Fan-Free-Agency.com are ex-Lions fans.

Rule 6b. Your owner still wears Members Only jackets. His initials are Al Davis.

7. Your team's home games are no longer televised. You are free to go, Jags fans.

8. Your team folded or left town. In this case, you are automatically an unrestricted fan free agent and can immediately put yourself up for bid. A writer named Scott Soshnick did this recently with every big-four franchise. Only nine wrote back. But one -- the Golden State Warriors -- had 28 employees send him we-want-you e-mails, mailed him a jersey with his name on it, sent a DVD with rookies wearing that jersey, signed him to a $1 lifetime contract and wrote a mock press release announcing a new fan acquisition.

9. Your team changed its uniforms to teal.

10. Your team is the Cubs. Seriously. Go already.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:28 AM   #2
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Bahaha 6b.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:33 AM   #3
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"They are going to lose more than France."

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Old 09-02-2009, 11:35 AM   #4
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No comment.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:35 AM   #5
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Quote:
10. Your team is the Cubs. Seriously. Go already.
If only I could take this advive.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:37 AM   #6
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Dear Rick,
I was hoping you could settle a moral dilemma I am having. I have been a Broncos fan since the early '90s. I still think Mike Shanahan is a genius, and have always disliked anything stemming from the Belichick tree. I was also a big Jay Cutler fan. At what point does it become OK to disown a team when you feel they are no longer headed in the right direction? Can you be considered a fair-weather fan if you root for the Bears? -- Amery Curtis, San Diego


I didn't know Blueflame lived in San Diego.



I keed.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:43 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rohirrim View Post

I didn't know Blueflame lived in San Diego.



I keed.

That was my first thought
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:43 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rohirrim View Post
Dear Rick,
I was hoping you could settle a moral dilemma I am having. I have been a Broncos fan since the early '90s. I still think Mike Shanahan is a genius, and have always disliked anything stemming from the Belichick tree. I was also a big Jay Cutler fan. At what point does it become OK to disown a team when you feel they are no longer headed in the right direction? Can you be considered a fair-weather fan if you root for the Bears? -- Amery Curtis, San Diego


I didn't know Blueflame lived in San Diego.



I keed.
She's a man, baby.

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Old 09-02-2009, 11:43 AM   #9
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Isn't Paterno going to coach games from home? lol
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:45 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rohirrim View Post
Dear Rick,
I was hoping you could settle a moral dilemma I am having. I have been a Broncos fan since the early '90s. I still think Mike Shanahan is a genius, and have always disliked anything stemming from the Belichick tree. I was also a big Jay Cutler fan. At what point does it become OK to disown a team when you feel they are no longer headed in the right direction? Can you be considered a fair-weather fan if you root for the Bears? -- Amery Curtis, San Diego


I didn't know Blueflame lived in San Diego.



I keed.
i was thinking the same thing! Not that she would abandon the team. I think a few here are now with two teams and the other is the Bears.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:52 AM   #11
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Memo to that person: end yourself.

If you're that torn up about it all, after being a "fan" since the "early 90's"...just go to the nearest pawn shop and bye yourself a gun.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:53 AM   #12
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I grew up a Rams fan. They moved from LA to Orange County and I still stuck with them. The Broncos became my favorite AFC team when I was stationed at Fort Carson. Then the BIATCH moved the Rams to St. Louis and that was the end of that. I don't really have a favorite NFC team anymore. Don't really care about the NFC anymore, actually.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:53 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iron Clady View Post
Isn't Paterno going to coach games from home? lol
Not funny man

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Old 09-02-2009, 11:55 AM   #14
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#5 is my fav
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:58 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Rusty Shackleford View Post

8. Your team folded or left town. In this case, you are automatically an unrestricted fan free agent and can immediately put yourself up for bid. A writer named Scott Soshnick did this recently with every big-four franchise. Only nine wrote back. But one -- the Golden State Warriors -- had 28 employees send him we-want-you e-mails, mailed him a jersey with his name on it, sent a DVD with rookies wearing that jersey, signed him to a $1 lifetime contract and wrote a mock press release announcing a new fan acquisition.
That would be pretty damn sweet.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:58 AM   #16
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My favorite is 6b.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:59 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rusty Shackleford View Post

1. You actually play for that new team. In this case, you must still wear the cup of your old team during games.
Well I know Jay couldn't still wear his old Broncos cup because it was auctioned on Ebay and Rev bought it and uses it as his cereal bowl in the morning.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:01 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rusty Shackleford View Post
6. Your team is approaching its 50th year of one-family ownership and still hasn't won diddly. This is known as The Darwin Rule and allows you to escape, free of charge. Good example: The Fords of Detroit. No wonder 10 of the 22 declared NFL fan free agents at Fan-Free-Agency.com are ex-Lions fans.
Holy **** that's a real website...
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:06 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZONA View Post
Well I know Jay couldn't still wear his old Broncos cup because it was auctioned on Ebay and Rev bought it and uses it as his cereal bowl in the morning.
I heard that it adds extra flavor to the unicorn jizz.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:10 PM   #20
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Not funny man

Well he cant get out of the way on the sideline.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:13 PM   #21
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Well he cant get out of the way on the sideline.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:23 PM   #22
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Lame
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:46 PM   #23
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rofl!
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:51 PM   #24
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Everybody else needs to just drink their beer and shut up

Wow, I guess a lot of Maners need to drink their beer. And shut up.
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Old 09-02-2009, 02:10 PM   #25
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Holy **** that's a real website...
* Construct your personalized "Trade Letter" with information provided by you.
* Construct your personalized "New Owner Introduction Letter."
* Print your letters on 24#, watermarked, fine granite stationary paper
* Send your "Trade letter," US Postal Service "Certified Mail," to the Team Owner
Sample Trade Certificate
* Send a US Postal Service "first class" letter to your "NEW" Team Owner announcing your arrival as a new Fan
* Complete and mail you your "Official," 8.5" x 11," Gold Foil border, "Certificate of Trade Authenticity" via U.S. Mail
* Send your copies of your customized letters to you for your file via U.S. Mail.
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