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Old 01-25-2009, 08:01 PM   #1
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Default Offensive Joke Thread

I'll start:

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:03 PM   #2
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Lmfao!
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:17 PM   #3
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This one is a bit dated ... but ....

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?





Christopher Walken!
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:21 PM   #4
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You are going to burn in hell
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:23 PM   #5
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Default A guy walks into the bar....

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!"

The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!"

"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:33 PM   #6
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A priest and a rabbi are driving down the street. They see a 14 year old boy standing on the corner. The priest says, 'let's **** him'. The rabbi says, 'out of what?'.
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:35 PM   #7
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Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:38 PM   #8
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this thead has all kinds of potential.
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:42 PM   #9
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:44 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Broncojef View Post
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:59 PM   #11
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:07 PM   #12
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What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.


What do you call a guy expecting to have sex on the second date?

Patient
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:11 PM   #13
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A wise old medicine man and a young Indian boy were alone on a hill one day and the young boy asked the medicine man: "where do tribal names come from?"

The wise old medicine man looked around him and said: "a name is given to a new born when I observe the first thing that presents itself after birth. For example it might be Wind In The Clouds or Two Fists Clenching or Buffalo Running.

Why do you ask Two Dogs Fhuckhing?
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:13 PM   #14
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b****."
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:17 PM   #15
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A man goes into the doctor with a bump growing on his forehead.

After many tests, the doctor says: well, I only learned this from the medical school, I can't believe that I am seeing this in real life. You're growing a second penis out of your forehead, and with the way your skull and brain are forming around it we're not going to be able to operate, or do anything to stop it.

The man says, 'You mean I am going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and see a penis hanging from my forehead?'

The doctor replies: No, no... That won't happen... the balls should be hanging right over your eyes.
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:17 PM   #16
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A poppa bull and a young bull were sitting on a hill together and the young bull said: "hey pop, why don't we run down the hill and screw one of those young heffers?"

Pop looks over at the young stud and says: "why don't we walk down there and screw them all."
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:31 PM   #17
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a man and a little girl are walking into a dark forest when the liitle girl says "mister, I'm scared." and the man replies,"how do you think I feel, I have to leave here alone."
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:38 PM   #18
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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

When dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher, wel then today you became a man - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:41 PM   #19
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A guy stops to visit his friend who is feeling sick and is bundled up on the couch. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.

He hesitates, and then says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to **** you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it to you," and he yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:41 PM   #20
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That's just like your opinion, man

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Philip Rivers, Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler were all in the Middle East for USO duties, drinking a smuggled crate of booze. While drunk they were caught by Saudi police and arrested. They were told that the mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
But By a stroke of luck, it was a national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said,
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your lashings."

Rivers was first in line, so he thoughtabout this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 5 lashes before the whip went through. Rivers had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

Aaron Rodgers was next up and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please put two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending Rodgers out bleeding and crying.

Jay Cutler was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You are the most talented QB here, your state of Colorado has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," Jay Cutler replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100
lashes."

"Not only are you a great QB you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

Jay looks the Shiek right in the eyes and with a smirk on his face says, "Give the lashings to Rivers."

Last edited by BroncoMan4ever; 01-25-2009 at 09:45 PM..
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:48 PM   #21
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That's just like your opinion, man

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A woman goes to her plastic surgeon for another face lift. the doctor asks her why she needs another face lift, after she has had many in the past 10 years.

She looks at him and says, i need to get rid of these bags under my eyes.

The doctor looks at her face and says, those are not bags, those are your breasts.

She looks back at the doctor and says "i guess that explains the goatee then."
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:03 PM   #22
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What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only some things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:15 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rusty Shackleford View Post
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only some things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:19 PM   #24
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Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:20 PM   #25
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
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