A little late, but what the hell New Rules 10/31/08 - The Orange Mane

Hogan11 · 11-08-2008, 08:44 AM

A little late due to the election, but what the hell.

Read....Reflect....Bask in the victory over stupidity

October 31, 2008

All right. New Rule: If your dog has to dress up like a human on Halloween, then you have to sleep on the floor naked and drink out of the toilet. Or, as Andy Dick calls it: Saturday.

New Rule: George Bush cannot meet with any more foreign leaders. Seriously, does anyone doubt that this man is still capable of one more ginormous ****-up? Here he is this week meeting with Liberian president Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, or as he kept calling her, "Weezie." By the time they were done, she had our nuclear - codes, and he got to try on that hat.

New Rule: Now that its economy has collapsed, let's also bail out Iceland, and make it the 51st state. I like Iceland. It's like Alaska without the yahoos. Plus, they're all gorgeous and their favorite food is Ecstasy. And if you're bothered that 51 isn't an even number, then, New Rule: North and South Dakota must be renamed "Dakota." There, now give me Iceland.

New Rule: [with photo of Salma Hayek] Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my penis? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like I have the Dow Jones Average in my pants!

And, finally, New Rule: Stop saying you're glad it's almost over. This has been, without a doubt, the most interesting, unpredictable political season of my lifetime. The kind that John Edwards will one day be telling his illegitimate grandchildren about. Don't let anyone tell you this wasn't the most amazing election ever. And not just for the obvious historical reason that, for the first time ever, one of the candidates was, you know, insane. [photo of John McCain sticking out his tongue]

So, before we're all rounded up and sent to socialist re-education camps, let's take one last walk down memory lane to remember the faces of 2008, starting with George Bush. Americans were so sick of Bush, that seven years after 9/11, they said, "You know what sounds good? A black guy with a Muslim name." You know, a year ago, if you had told me the next president would be a black liberal, I would have said, "Stop bull****ting me, Woody Harrelson, and pass that bong!" [photo of Harrelson and Maher with bong] Oh, look, there's a picture of me and Woody with a bong.

This election was historic in so many ways. The Democrats had their first viable female candidate. And so did the Republicans. [photo of Rudy Giuliani in drag] The Republicans, who had three candidates who proudly said they did not believe in evolution. Which became ironic when their campaigns quickly died off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.

Yes, there was a lot of road kill in 2008. The senator with the best hair made a baby with the woman with the worst hair. Yes, Edwards cared so much about the poor, he did it with a bag lady.

This was - oh, I'll pray - this was an election where every week brought a new phony outrage: Obama is not wearing a flag pin! Michele Obama isn't proud of her country! ACORN turned in a registration form signed "Duran Duran!" Oh, wait, there really is a guy in New Mexico named Duran Duran?

We learned - we learned that Barack Obama sat in a pew of Trinity United Church of Christ every week for 20 years. Which proved he was a Muslim. And that John McCain didn't go to church at all; which proved he was a Christian. Give me a terrorist bump there. [Maher and Cornel West do fist bump]

But, ultimately, the man responsible for John McCain's campaign was John McCain, a man who lived a long, long... long life - full of courage, straight talk and vision... and then threw it all straight down the toilet in ten months.

Who can ever forget the Biden-Palin debate, the "Thrilla in Wasilla" - the "thinker against the winker." "The reader versus the breeder."

Ah, the Palins, the salt of the earth, the heart of the country, and the bottom of the barrel. Alaska's first family of freeloaders, who did prove one thing without a doubt: we're building the fence on the wrong border.

Well, we're coming down to the wire now, America, and before that final "B" has been carved in our faces - [slide of "B" girl] - let's remember the man John McCain chose to elevate as the "everyman" representation of all of us: Joe the Plumber, who dared to speak delusions to power, and spoke for the millions of voices in his head. A man who is proof that there's nothing more powerful than an idea, a really stupid idea. Like the government taking away money you don't have, but might, if you got a job, which you won't.

So, that's it. Four more days, my friends. And then, by the grace of Allah - Comrade Obama and his Nubian army will usher in a new era of socialism and gay marriage.

Rohirrim · 11-08-2008, 10:40 AM

This election was historic in so many ways. The Democrats had their first viable female candidate. And so did the Republicans. [photo of Rudy Giuliani in drag] The Republicans, who had three candidates who proudly said they did not believe in evolution. Which became ironic when their campaigns quickly died off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.

The Lone Bolt · 11-08-2008, 10:50 AM

VERY funny! Thanks!

11-08-2008, 08:44 AM	#1
Hogan11 Rock-N-Roll Historian Let's take these SOB's out!!!!!! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: W.NY.B.C. Posts: 21,300 Adopt-a-Bronco: Floyd Little	A little late, but what the hell New Rules 10/31/08 A little late due to the election, but what the hell. Read....Reflect....Bask in the victory over stupidity October 31, 2008 All right. New Rule: If your dog has to dress up like a human on Halloween, then you have to sleep on the floor naked and drink out of the toilet. Or, as Andy Dick calls it: Saturday. New Rule: George Bush cannot meet with any more foreign leaders. Seriously, does anyone doubt that this man is still capable of one more ginormous **-up? Here he is this week meeting with Liberian president Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, or as he kept calling her, "Weezie." By the time they were done, she had our nuclear - codes, and he got to try on that hat. New Rule: Now that its economy has collapsed, let's also bail out Iceland, and make it the 51st state. I like Iceland. It's like Alaska without the yahoos. Plus, they're all gorgeous and their favorite food is Ecstasy. And if you're bothered that 51 isn't an even number, then, New Rule: North and South Dakota must be renamed "Dakota." There, now give me Iceland. New Rule: [with photo of Salma Hayek] Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my penis? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like I have the Dow Jones Average in my pants! And, finally, New Rule: Stop saying you're glad it's almost over. This has been, without a doubt, the most interesting, unpredictable political season of my lifetime. The kind that John Edwards will one day be telling his illegitimate grandchildren about. Don't let anyone tell you this wasn't the most amazing election ever. And not just for the obvious historical reason that, for the first time ever, one of the candidates was, you know, insane. [photo of John McCain sticking out his tongue] So, before we're all rounded up and sent to socialist re-education camps, let's take one last walk down memory lane to remember the faces of 2008, starting with George Bush. Americans were so sick of Bush, that seven years after 9/11, they said, "You know what sounds good? A black guy with a Muslim name." You know, a year ago, if you had told me the next president would be a black liberal, I would have said, "Stop bull**ting me, Woody Harrelson, and pass that bong!" [photo of Harrelson and Maher with bong] Oh, look, there's a picture of me and Woody with a bong. This election was historic in so many ways. The Democrats had their first viable female candidate. And so did the Republicans. [photo of Rudy Giuliani in drag] The Republicans, who had three candidates who proudly said they did not believe in evolution. Which became ironic when their campaigns quickly died off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns. Yes, there was a lot of road kill in 2008. The senator with the best hair made a baby with the woman with the worst hair. Yes, Edwards cared so much about the poor, he did it with a bag lady. This was - oh, I'll pray - this was an election where every week brought a new phony outrage: Obama is not wearing a flag pin! Michele Obama isn't proud of her country! ACORN turned in a registration form signed "Duran Duran!" Oh, wait, there really is a guy in New Mexico named Duran Duran? We learned - we learned that Barack Obama sat in a pew of Trinity United Church of Christ every week for 20 years. Which proved he was a Muslim. And that John McCain didn't go to church at all; which proved he was a Christian. Give me a terrorist bump there. [Maher and Cornel West do fist bump] But, ultimately, the man responsible for John McCain's campaign was John McCain, a man who lived a long, long... long life - full of courage, straight talk and vision... and then threw it all straight down the toilet in ten months. Who can ever forget the Biden-Palin debate, the "Thrilla in Wasilla" - the "thinker against the winker." "The reader versus the breeder." Ah, the Palins, the salt of the earth, the heart of the country, and the bottom of the barrel. Alaska's first family of freeloaders, who did prove one thing without a doubt: we're building the fence on the wrong border. Well, we're coming down to the wire now, America, and before that final "B" has been carved in our faces - [slide of "B" girl] - let's remember the man John McCain chose to elevate as the "everyman" representation of all of us: Joe the Plumber, who dared to speak delusions to power, and spoke for the millions of voices in his head. A man who is proof that there's nothing more powerful than an idea, a really stupid idea. Like the government taking away money you don't have, but might, if you got a job, which you won't. So, that's it. Four more days, my friends. And then, by the grace of Allah - Comrade Obama and his Nubian army will usher in a new era of socialism and gay marriage.

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11-08-2008, 10:40 AM	#2
Rohirrim Partisan Human Cannonball Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Twixt Hell & Highwater Posts: 48,791	This election was historic in so many ways. The Democrats had their first viable female candidate. And so did the Republicans. [photo of Rudy Giuliani in drag] The Republicans, who had three candidates who proudly said they did not believe in evolution. Which became ironic when their campaigns quickly died off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.

11-08-2008, 10:50 AM	#3
The Lone Bolt Ring of Famer GO CHARGERS!!!! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: The Boredom Capital of the Universe (Everett, WA) Posts: 2,863	VERY funny! Thanks!