New rule changes for 2009 season

[Marshall Dumervil]

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/nfl-rules-2009.php

Another season of NFL football has arrived, bringing with it the promise of brisk Fall air and angry e-mails from people who are deeply offended by sports being mentioned on the front page.

With the most popular and profitable sports league in the United States on its hands, the NFL usually introduces a few minor rule changes every year in an effort to keep from tinkering with a good thing. Not this year. The official rulebook has doubled in size, introducing a slew of new rules and modifying or downright contradicting many policies that have been in place since the league's formation.

These are a few of the more peculiar additions. I'm sure there are many more worth mentioning, but the press has only been able to parse and report on a small fraction of the rule changes.

1. After every play, all 22 players on the field have exactly fifteen seconds to flex, pose, and thump their chests to demonstrate that they are all the best athlete in the entire world
   
   
2. Absolutely, positively no roughhousing
   
3. If a player brings a cupcake to the game, he must bring enough cupcakes for everyone
   
4. A fifth quarter has been added to each game, with the third quarter having been removed to make room for it
   
5. On-field speed limit of 10 miles per hour
   
   
6. When an offensive lineman and a defensive lineman grapple, tickling will incur a fifteen yard penalty
   
   
7. Quarterbacks can only run diagonally, defensive linemen can only run in a line that's perpendicular or horizontal to the line of scrimmage, and whites are not allowed to play at the running back position
   
   
8. Any player caught sobbing or openly crying must run ten laps around the stadium
   
9. In order to establish possession, a wide receiver must bring the ball to his body without losing control, touch both of his feet in the field of play, and go through a bitter court battle with the ball's previous owner
   
   
10. No running near the pool
    
11. Members of the coaching staff are not allowed to steal play call signals from the opposing team, nor are they allowed to dive and intercept kisses that were clearly blown toward someone else
    
    
12. Do not feed Torbo
    
13. In the event that an athlete dies on the field, the play will effectively be ruled as a "do-over" and his surviving family will be evenly distributed to the rest of his teammates upon the conclusion of the game
    
    
14. Touchdowns are now worth five points, uncanny impersonations of Jack Nicholson are worth eight
    
15. Linemen are not allowed to commandeer medical carts and plow through the other team unless they can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that their legs are really tired
    
    
16. The pregame coin toss has been replaced with a pregame discussion of Cormac McCarthy's The Road
    
    
17. Players must pay for any pumpkins they damage while running through Old Man Tarver's crop on the 30 yard line
    
18. When the ball is fumbled and like twenty guys are crammed in a pile fighting over it, ten points will be awarded if a player manages to sneak out with the ball and casually clean his fingertips while everyone keeps fighting
    
19. During night games, the points are doubled and the uniforms are skimpier
    
    
20. After 140 years of careful consideration, we have finally made our decision: All employees of the NFL are urged to vote for Ulysses S. Grant in the presidential election

- Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

[BABronco]

100 post rule

[broncocalijohn]

Originally Posted by BABronco

100 post rule

when is TJ going to have emails sent to newbies when they sign up? Some of those (or maybe most) were pretty lame. I mean really, really lame. Didnt bother to finish the list. I think chicks made up that list to "try" to make fun of football.

[Chris]

Can y'all not be such *****? Relax.

Good stuff "MD" thanks.

[crush17]

wtf i thought it was funny. Something Awful is awesome.

welcome to the boards MD. don't listen to these jackoffs.

[Marshall Dumervil]

Originally Posted by crush17

wtf i thought it was funny. Something Awful is awesome.

welcome to the boards MD. don't listen to these jackoffs.

Thanks man I thought so too, I suppose those guys waited until they had 100 posts to start a thread.

[Doggcow]

"and whites are not allowed to play at the running back position"

Lol

[Paladin]

No. They were jerks then, too.

[worm]

Originally Posted by Marshall Dumervil

Thanks man I thought so too, I suppose those guys waited until they had 100 posts to start a thread.

Some of them....like "Casino Royal with Crap" only had to wait .6 seconds to reach that milestone.

# of posts <> intelligence, insight or quality


That being said....your list was pretty lame.

[bronco_diesel]

Originally Posted by broncocalijohn

when is TJ going to have emails sent to newbies when they sign up? Some of those (or maybe most) were pretty lame. I mean really, really lame. Didnt bother to finish the list. I think chicks made up that list to "try" to make fun of football.

relax man. why get so uptight about a new bronco fan wanting to contribute. don't be an elitist.

[Crushaholic]

That was hilarious...

[BABronco]

geez ... i was just kidding guys ... calm the **** down.