|09-04-2008, 02:56 AM||#1|
Join Date: Nov 2002
The Return....NEW RULES 8/29/08
August 29, 2008
New Rule: Don't bite your gold medal. You're in China. You'll get lead poisoning.
New Rule: It's a convention, not a gay pride parade. [photo shown of elaborately costumed convention-goer] I didn't even know Hulk Hogan was a Democrat. You know, there's a place for flamboyant displays of homosexual pride: the Republican Convention. [photo of four scandalized, closeted Republicans]
New Rule: And I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but, we must elect Obama so we can see more of those adorable kids. We may not be able to save America, but at least we'll go out with a cute sitcom. And how about that Michelle Obama? She's classy, she's sassy. She's the perfect combination: half Jackie, and half Jackee [Harry].
New Rule: My bank must stop trying to sell me identity-theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank! Besides, I've already taken the most important precaution to make sure nobody abuses my credit card. I'm single.
New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead someone to build one. [McCain ad shown featuring windmills] As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullsh*t.
And finally, New Rule: Don't throw the illegitimate baby out with the bathwater. [photo of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter] Now, let's take a moment and talk about the Democrat who wasn't there this week. When the adulterer, John Edwards, was airbrushed out of the Democratic Party, they also exiled the strongest voice on the issue of poverty they've had since Robert Kennedy.
And all because he once paid $400 for a haircut and then quite a bit more for a little trim.
You know, today is the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. And to the people still struggling in New Orleans and places like it, John Edwards was to the poverty issue what Al Gore was to global warming. He was their voice. The author of the Democrats' health care plan, and a Marriott Rewards Points Leader.
And it's sad he could no longer represent them. It's also sad that one of America's best-looking politicians was getting lower-quality tail than the midget who plays "Mini-Me." But, that's another issue.
Look, there's no doubt that what Senator Edwards did shows a serious lack of judgment. But, just because a man, a married man, cheats on his wife with a younger blond he met in a bar doesn't mean he's not a patriot. Just ask John McCain.
But, that shouldn't disqualify McCain from the presidency. Being a crazy, clueless warmonger, that should disqualify him.
But, not the personal stuff. Edwards is a man and he made a mistake. And, you know, a baby. And, because of that, there are some things he did not get to say at the convention. Like, the top one percent of people in America have more money than they bottom 150 million. And the gap between rich and poor is wider than it's been since the Great Depression.
But, the Democrats are so afraid of being the "adultery" party, they missed yet another opportunity to be the "adult" party, the one that says loudly and proudly, "We don't care whose wee-wee goes into whose hoo-hoo."
Our society is quick to chastise men who think with their d*cks. But, sacrificing a major voice on a big issue on the altar of Puritanism, isn't that just as stupid as thinking with your d*ck?
You know some presidents who had extramarital affairs? Kennedy, Eisenhower, Roosevelt, Jefferson. You want to know a president who never had an affair: George W. Bush.
That fact alone ought to make you want to elect Ron Jeremy.