|09-26-2007, 12:28 AM||#1|
Join Date: Nov 2002
New Rules 9/21/07
September 21, 2007
New Rule: No more trophy kissing. You know, it starts off innocently enough. [slides of Emmy winners kissing Emmys] It gets a little more erotic. Even more erotic. Okay, now it's... [shot of female golfer kissing phallic glass trophy] ... I'm not imagining things here.
New Rule: Maybe Iraq wasn't ready for democracy--[shot of Phil Spector in huge wig] --and maybe California isn't ready for trial by jury. The jury on Phil Spector has been out two weeks. On this guy. A man who pulled a gun on every woman he met since stereo.
A man who confessed at the crime scene. A man who looks like this. But there's at least one person on that jury saying, "I don't know. She could have killed herself to frame him." Yes. This actress wanted to kill herself and she just happened to meet a guy who puts guns in ladies' mouths. Talk about going to Hollywood and getting your lucky break.
If the person who is holding up this jury writes a book, they have to have the party at Phil Spector's house, and whatever Phil puts in their mouth, they have to suck it. You never know. There's a reasonable doubt. It could be a Slim Jim.
New Rule: Junk emailers have to stop trying to fool me by writing "Hey, what's up?" in the subject line. Sure, it worked on me the first couple hundred times. And, yes, I'm enjoying the Viagra and my Ukrainian mail-order bride. But, stop bothering me, Replica-Rolex.com! I'm trying to talk to this deposed Nigerian prince who just needs my PIN number to make me rich!
New Rule: Our next president must have lips. [shot of George Bush with lips pursed] I'm not asking for full, pouty, Angelina Jolie lips. I just want to be able to see where the lies are coming from.
And finally, New Rule: Just because the Constitution doesn't have a religious test for office, doesn't mean I can't. This past Monday was Constitution Day in the U.S. And while I was going over the Constitution with my two adopted kids--Zack Ono and Mogadishu--I'm home schooling them--I was struck again by Article 6, Section 3. It says, "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office." And I agree. No one should ever be disqualified for their religion. Even the funny ones. Like all of them.
But, the problem is that there is a religious test in this country. According to a recent poll, seven in ten say it's important to have a president with strong religious beliefs. The other three couldn't take the poll because it was Friday night and Yahweh wouldn't let them answer the phone.
But, fair is fair. So, for myself and the other 15-20% of American who the majority call "non-believers," but who I call "rationalists," here is our religious test for office: if you believe in Judgment Day, I have to seriously question your judgment.
If you believe you're in a long-term relationship with an all-powerful space-daddy--who will, after you die, party with your ghost forever--you can't have my vote, even for Miss Hawaiian Tropic.
I can't trust you at the levers of government because there's an electrical fire going on in your head.
Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to Heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
Candidate Mitt Romney, a Mormon, believes in spiritually-blessed underwear that can protect him. He seemed like a nice man, and so do his sons, Wally and the Beav. But, I'm sorry, their religion is bat-****. It's like Scientology without the celebrities. And he has every right to run for president while believing in magic underwear, and believing that Jesus survived his own death and will return during an Osmonds' concert in Branson. And I have every right to take that into consideration in the voting booth.
And at the end of the day, is magic underwear really that much crazier than giant arks or virgin births or talking bushes? You're either a rationalist or you're not. And the good news is, a recent poll found 20% of adults under 30 say they are rationalists and have figured out that Santa Claus and Jesus are really the same guy.
Now, 20% is hardly a majority, but it's a bigger minority than blacks, Jews, homosexuals, NRA members, teachers or seniors. And it's certainly enough to stop being shy about expressing the opinion that WE'RE NOT THE CRAZY ONES!
Just because the vote is 4-to-1, it doesn't mean the minority is wrong. People who were against this war from the start were a minority. The majority used to believe the world was flat. But if you believe that today, you'd either be packed off to Bellevue or asked to co-host "The View."
|09-26-2007, 12:35 AM||#2|
Join Date: Apr 2004
|09-26-2007, 10:10 AM||#3|
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Mile High