A Humor/Irony Piece: Oakland Raiders

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I had to write this as part of a summer assignment for my AP English class... this illustrates the use of absolute irony to prove a point:

Excellence Defined: The 2006 Oakland Raiders
“In Pursuit of Excellence.” This is one of the many mottos the Oakland Raiders have used over the years, one of the many slogans that have invariably proven to be true. The 2006-07 season for the boys in the bay was no exception. The 2006 Raiders were indisputably the best team in NFL history, playing at multiple levels above the rest of the league.

If one was a Raider fan during the 2006-07 National Football League season, which was undeniably an extremely pleasant experience, one could have rightfully called the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers “party-poopers.” The Raiders were well on their way to a defeated season, losing their first five games of the season, before the Cardinals and the Steelers crushed their hopes of a perfect season. Fortunately, the Raiders coaching staff was quick to respond to its unhappy fans and decided to forfeit the last nine games of the year, giving the silver and black a much-esteemed 2-14 finishing record.

The team was extremely proficient on the offensive side of the ball. Led by a legendary quarterback with two first names, the Raiders moved the ball forward anywhere from one to ten yards every drive before deciding to give the other team a fair chance by punting to them. The fact that Oakland led the league in punts illustrates the coaching staff’s overall generosity and magnanimous attitude toward their inferior opponents. Had the Raiders kept the ball any more often, the rest of the teams in the league would have surely gone up in protest. What did they want? Both a perfect season and a monopoly on the pigskin?

The defense was one to be envied by their league counterparts. Much to the dismay of the commissioner, the Raiders’ division rivals could not emulate the pervious nature of Oakland’s defensive unit. No other unit in the league could boast that their defensive line fell flat on its face every play, that their cornerbacks ushered opposing wideouts into the end zone, that their linebackers tripped over what remained of the grass at the well-suited and luxurious McAfee Coliseum. However, one thing remained certain: teams that returned from Oakland expressed their sincere gratitude for the Raiders’ unsurpassable hospitability: it seemed like all of their opponents had seen a scoring average boost as a personal departing gift from Al Davis himself.

The 2006 Oakland Raiders defined true sportsmanship, outstanding character, and great attitude in every sense. Whether their future will look as bright remains to be seen, but as observers lucky enough to be alive last year, we can truly say the ’06 Raiders were closest in their pursuit of excellence as anyone has ever seen.



*Note: There may be some factual errors in this piece as it is for purely humorous purposes only.