|04-06-2007, 03:06 PM||#1|
Join Date: Nov 2002
New Rules 3/30/07
March 30, 2007
New Rule: Iran and Tom Cruise must swap hostages. Those 15 British sailors for Katie Holmes and her space baby. It's a Shiite-Scientologist match made in heaven. The Iranians get something they've always wanted, the chick from "Dawson's Creek," and Tom gets something he's always wanted: 15 British sailors.
New Rule: No more ski slope weddings. Let's remember what a ski slope wedding or a skydiving wedding or an underwater wedding really says: "My love for you is so strong, it doesn't warrant a day off from my hobby." On second thought, what better way to celebrate marriage: heading downhill and feeling frigid.
New Rule: If you have to eat crap, at least eat humane crap. This week, Burger King announced that it would begin buying eggs and pork from suppliers that don't keep animals in cages, which is such a rare act of corporate responsibility. I'm waiting from them to say, "April Fools." Hey, you keep this up and I'll put one of your crowns on, Burger King. And, now it won't because it's three in the morning, you're the only place open and I'm high. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell says they're going to start being nicer to their rats.
New Rule: Put your shirt on! Posing with your shirt off on the cover of your hip-hop album doesn't say "gansta." It says, "I'll blow you for some crack."
New Rule: You know you've lost your presidential mojo when even the kindergartners are thinking, "What a dip****." President See-And-Say's visit to this classroom revealed at least one of the kids was hoping for someone a little more substantial–like Barney The Dinosaur. What really hurt was when she raised her hand and said, "If this is what higher education gets you, please leave my black a$$ behind."
And finally, New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs, because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was what I always thought it was. Mad Cow.
No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her. Which, in the medical field, is known as the "Full Limbaugh."
They opened her up and a Walgreen's jumped out. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills, sedatives, Valium, methadone. This woman was killed by her doctor, who is a glorified bartender. And I'm not going to say his name, but only because, a) I don't want to get sued, and b) my back is killing me.
Now, this month marks the 35th anniversary of a famous government report. I was 16 in 1972, and I remember how excited we were when Nixon's much ballyhooed national commission on drug abuse came out and said pot should be legalized! It was a moment of great hope for common sense. And then, just like Bush did last year with the Iraq Study Group, Nixon took the report and threw it in the garbage. And from there, the '70s went right into disco and colored underpants.
When are we going to get it? That America's most dangerous drugs are the legal ones in our medicine cabinets, while some of the most benign ones are growing under a heat lamp in my dressing room. I joke! I joke, of course. But, 40% of the U.S. population has tried pot. That's 94 million Americans. Or, as I call them, "my base."
Are we all criminals? No. We're not. But it is criminal when a certain person borrows and doesn't return another person's diamond-encrusted bong, Woody!
Now, this week, in The American Scientist - a magazine George Bush wouldn't read if he got food poisoning in Mexico and it was the only thing he could reach from the toilet --described a study done in England that measured the lethality of various drugs, and found tobacco and alcohol far worse than pot, LSD or Ecstasy, which pretty much mirrors my own experiments in this same area.
The Beatles took LSD and wrote "Sgt. Pepper." Anna Nicole Smith took legal drugs and couldn't remember the number for "911." That is a number.
In conclusion, I wish I had more time to go into the fact that the drug war has always been about keeping black men from voting by finding out what they're addicted to and making it illegal. It's a miracle our government hasn't outlawed fat, white women.
But...it's about 8:55 here in California, and it's almost time for me to take my "medicine." I leave with one request: would someone please just make a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a stoner, and I vote"?
|04-06-2007, 03:39 PM||#3|
Hokie since 1993
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Denver, CO
"No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her. Which, in the medical field, is known as the "Full Limbaugh." "