|08-31-2006, 03:01 AM||#1|
Join Date: Apr 2001
Fantasy: Top five coaches that drive Fantasy Footballers crazy
By Brad Evans
August 24, 2006
"Hell hath no fury, like a fantasy owner scorned" – The Big Noise
What do Celine Dion songs on repeat, no Internet access on a football Sunday and Mike Shanahan head games have in common? They are prime examples of hell on earth.
Year in and year out, millions of fantasy owners burn in a fiery football inferno not because of injuries or poor performances, but rather due to a handful of pigskin Satans that make our blood boil with their questionable play calling, vague injury reports and suspect running back shuffles. Yep, I'm talking about NFL coaches.
For those of us – including yours truly – who are on a fast track to eternal damnation, two questions constantly loom: Can we wear shorts? And will there be fantasy football? If Hades has fantasy sports, you just know our most hated adversaries will torment us there for the rest of eternity.
Who are these fantasy football archfiends?
Along with the demons of ACL injuries, Ki-Jana Carter and Ryan Leaf, here are five NFL coaches destined to drive us crazy in fantasy hell:
5. Eric Mangini, NYJ
Spawn of the New England Beelzebub, the first-year head coach has already shown signs of agonizing fantasy owners with obscure injury news. Just ask anyone who selected Curtis Martin back in June drafts.
4. Bill Cowher, Pit
The wrath of the Cowher scowl could scare the bejesus out of anyone. But for Willie Parker owners, his goal-line chess moves are downright maddening.
3. Bill Belichick, NE
Don't be fooled by his cozy, soft gray-hooded sweatshirts, the Patriot Prince of Darkness will make your head spin with "questionable" labels every week. Right, Corey Dillon owners?
2. Bill Parcells, Dal
Unlike benign Starkist mascot Charlie the Tuna, the Dallas version is an evil fish that drives Julius Jones owners to the brink of insanity with his uncontrollable man-lust for Marion Barber.
1. Mike Shanahan, Den
Not only is Shanahan Lucifer incarnate, he could also body double for horror film icon the Leprechaun. Outside of the orange tint and torturous running back waffle jobs, his most sinister trait is when fireballs shoot from his eyes every time the name Tatum Bell is uttered.
Man, if I have to deal with Shanahan's perpetual crap in the afterlife, shorts better be an option.
|08-31-2006, 03:35 AM||#2|
Mostly dead all day
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ceti Alpha V
Interestingly enough, aside from Mangini, those are the top four coaches of this decade (order is debatable).
|09-04-2006, 03:04 PM||#3|
Join Date: Apr 2006
yep, tight lipped coaches are usually successful. dick vermeil sure did wear his emotions about players on his sleeves....