|03-16-2006, 11:24 AM||#1|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Good drunk jokes....
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really,
really, really drunk. When
the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a
nun walking on the
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was
really surprised but
before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell
down and he stumbled
over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was
pretty weak and couldn't
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
A Hindu, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Is this a joke?"
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,"I'd
like a pint of blood."
The second vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood, too."
Then the third vampire says,"I'd like a pint a plasma."
Then the bartender says,"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two
bloods and a blood light?"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays
until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he
enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes
and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass
carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked
himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up
something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the
circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he
was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his
wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last
night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Two married buddies are out drinking. One night, one turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before
I go into the house.
I sneak up the stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed,
and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my
shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's behind and
say, 'How about some good lovin?' .... and she's always sound asleep."
A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He
asks the bartender what it's for.
The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to
complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar."
The man asks, "What are the tasks?"
"First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one
Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth
Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but
you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender.
"Damn." says the man.
Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar
bill and says, "I'm in."
He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.
The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back.
All you hear is the dog howling.
Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, "Now
where's that lady with the blunt tooth."
One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then
he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't
talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing
that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
" Yeah, except today is the last night.
|03-16-2006, 02:36 PM||#3|
Join Date: Jul 2004
not a drunk joke but...
A ladie walks into a local store with here two kids. The clerk asks her "are they twins?" she says "no ones 4 ones 6 what makes you think they're twins?" the clerk responds "you are way to ugly to get laid twice."
|03-17-2006, 10:01 AM||#5|
Formerly known as Dipso
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Las Cruces, NM
Paul Smith 70
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Why such the long face?"