|06-08-2005, 06:23 AM||#1|
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Saratoga, NY
Time to Solve Sports' Biggest Mysteries
Time to Solve Sports' Biggest Mysteries
Let's Make Like Deep Throat and Expose Truth
By JIM ARMSTRONG, AOL Exclusive
So Deep Throat, the Washington Post's source on the Watergate scandal, has emerged from the shadows. His name is W. Mark Felt, a former FBI higher-up who figured he might as well come clean now since, at 91, now is about all he's got left.
With that particular deep, dark secret out of the bag, we turn our attention today to some of the world's other unsolved mysteries.
Specifically, the ones in the sports world. Like, for example, how the Yankees can be in fourth place with a payroll higher than Keith Richards on New Year's eve.
Gather around, fellow conspiracy theorists. It's time to unravel the riddles, end the enigmas and solve the mysteries. Or at least have fun trying. Here's one man's list of the Top 10 mysteries in the bouncing balls department:
1. The 1985 NBA draft lottery.
Was the fix in that day the Knicks defied the odds and came away with the No. 1 pick, aka Patrick Ewing? I've never bought into this one, but millions of people believe the league office rigged the lottery to deliver Ewing to the Big Apple. The biggest mystery of all is why so many people still care 20 years later. It's not like Ewing ever won anything. His biggest claim to fame was breaking the world record for table dances at some skin parlor in Atlanta.
2. The John Elway trade never made.
Remember in 1983, when Elway was drafted by the Colts, but refused to sign? He landed with the Broncos, but only after Al Davis made every effort to get him. In fact, Davis to this day swears he had an agreement in principle, but the deal was squelched by his arch-nemesis, former NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle. Davis was so upset he has refused to this day to wash his hair.
3. Malcom Glazer buying Manchester United.
What were the odds that the only person in the United States who doesn't hate soccer would wind up buying the world's most famous kickball team? Not that Glazer, who also owns the Buccaneers, has been received with open arms in England. He's the least popular person on the island, percentage points behind Prince Charles' ravishing new bride.
4. Jimmy Hoffa's final resting place.
This qualifies as a sports mystery since just about everyone believes the former Teamsters boss is buried beneath Giants Stadium in New Jersey. In fact, Hoffa has as many career tackles there as Deion Sanders.
5. Bill Belichick's ascension to mastermind status.
It seems like forever and a day ago, but four years ago Belichick was considered a bust as a head coach. He had one winning year in his first six seasons, five with the Browns. In his first year with the Patriots, he finished 5-11. So how has he managed to win three of the last four Super Bowls? I don't know, but I've got a sneaking suspicion Tom Brady had something to do with it.
6. The O.J. murder case.
O.J. plays so much golf, he must think the real killer is a greenskeeper. Talk about a former A-lister who has fallen off the planet. The guy can't even get a Ginzu endorsement.
7. The Kobe-Shaq feud.
Kobe keeps denying it, but most people think he was the one behind the ouster of Phil Jackson and the trade that sent Shaq to the Heat. I have to be honest, I don't know how much clout Kobe has with Lakers owner Jerry Buss. All I know is that Jackson, who wants to be the Lakers' coach again, was spotted last week mowing Kobe's lawn.
8. The Barry Bonds steroids controversy.
Bonds admits to doing steroids, but claims he thought it was flaxseed oil. I for one believe him, but only because he's such a warm and sincere kind of guy. How popular is Bonds? Nomar Garciaparra, who was hitting a buck-50 in 14 games when he tore his hamstring, has 100,000 more All-Star votes than he does.
9. Jerry Rice's comeback.Why would a man soon to be 43, with every receiving record in the book in his hip pocket, attempt a comeback after being waived twice and traded for a seventh-round draft pick? He either loves playing the game or bought way too much stock in Enron.
10. Baseball's dwindling home run totals.
Sports writers are getting all hot and bothered trying to put a finger on where all the home runs went. I've heard everything from global warming to the lukewarm economy cited as reasons. Can't these guys figure it out? There's one reason, and one reason only, why home runs are way down in the big leagues: flaxseed oil.
|06-08-2005, 06:45 AM||#2|
Hokie since 1993
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Denver, CO
"10. Baseball's dwindling home run totals.
Sports writers are getting all hot and bothered trying to put a finger on where all the home runs went. I've heard everything from global warming to the lukewarm economy cited as reasons. Can't these guys figure it out? There's one reason, and one reason only, why home runs are way down in the big leagues: flaxseed oil."
|06-08-2005, 07:49 AM||#3|
Ring of Famer
Join Date: May 2001
|06-08-2005, 08:58 AM||#4|
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: The Backside of the Internet