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Old 01-22-2015, 10:43 PM   #1
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Old 02-26-2015, 07:09 AM   #2
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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
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Old 02-26-2015, 08:22 AM   #3
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
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Old 06-21-2015, 09:42 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baja View Post
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
OK, we're on to jokes..

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After 6 mos, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
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Old 06-21-2015, 09:54 AM   #5
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CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.

When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".

Last edited by Luvva; 06-21-2015 at 09:56 AM..
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Old 06-21-2015, 11:53 AM   #6
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On-Line Purchase Scam


Be careful what you purchase on eBay and make sure to check out the seller carefully.

A friend just spent $100 on a penis enlarger and

the Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said:

"Do not use in the sunlight."
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:39 AM   #7
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bwhahaha, thanks luvva, keep em coming.
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Old 06-22-2015, 01:10 PM   #8
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Luuva has some potential..
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Old 07-02-2015, 11:23 AM   #9
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After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor,
'is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks
are legal in Alabama) and an empty beer can, and sit on the floor with your legs crossed. Then, light the cherry bomb, put it in an beer can (COORS), and then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, sat down, crossed his legs and lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
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Old 07-02-2015, 11:33 AM   #10
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The Mexican Maid asked for a pay raise...

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Wife: “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?"

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed”
Wife: (increasingly agitated) “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife: (really boiling now and through gritted teeth) “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much of a raise do you want?”
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Old 07-02-2015, 11:38 AM   #11
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A Stressed Out Grandpa



A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little ****'s name is Kevin."
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Old 07-02-2015, 11:40 AM   #12
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Q: What's the real problem with Barack Obama jokes?



A: His followers don't think they're funny and.... the rest of us don’t think they're jokes.
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Old 07-02-2015, 11:49 AM   #13
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And one more for today....


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