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Old 07-31-2012, 12:42 PM   #1
Pontius Pirate
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Default Why Your Team Sucks: The AZ Cardinals Edition

Oh man. Can't wait until they cover the Broncos. These Deadspin reports are always great.

Some people are fans of the Arizona Cardinals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Arizona Cardinals. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. Kevin Kolb is a coach's son! One of my absolute favorite stock Peter King storylines is the myth of the coach's son; that growing up with your old man as your QB coach somehow makes you light years more mentally prepared to play quarterback than some poor schlub who had to get by with normal coaching and a non-a-hole father. Back in 2010, King fawned over Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb...
He looked like the coach's son that he is, like he'd been prepping for this day for a couple of decades, not a couple of years.

Kolb then told King he likes to practice throwing off-balance, which makes all the sense in the world because Kevin Kolb ALWAYS throws off-balance. I'm not sure he's aware that his feet extend beyond his heels. Anyway, anytime a sportswriter tries to tell you that a player is special just because his Daddy was a coach, AVOID THAT PLAYER AT ALL COSTS. If anything, that kid got an unfair head start in life because Coach Daddy plugged him in the starting lineup with little to no justification. Also, that kid is probably a raging dick. Kevin Kolb's completion percentage declines the more he plays, and his yearly completion percentage has dropped every year for the past three years. If there's any justice, he'll lose his job to the immortal John Skelton in training camp and the Cardinals will bumble**** their way to 9-7 thanks to the fact that...

2. Patrick Peterson is the offense. It's never a good sign when you're relying on your punt returner to score two touchdowns every game because your passing offense is such dog ****. Patrick Peterson returned four punts for TDs last season, which is fantastic for a punt returner but horrific if that also happens to double as your total offensive output. Since the Cardinals were unable to lure Peyton Manning to Arizona (I assume Manning didn't want to relocate to Arizona because he didn't want to get shot), it's gonna be another ****ty year of hoping that the Cardinals can squeeze out just enough points against just the right amount of terrible opponents to eke out a winning record. Should be fun, like trying to watch a man free his head from a wrought-iron fence.

3. All the quarterbacks are gonna die. The Cardinals gave up 54 sacks last season, second worst in the league behind the Rams. Christ, what the hell is wrong with the NFC West? Don't any of these teams value guard play? Anyway, the line is still puke. So even if you Cardinals fans (all three and a half of you, since I only count Leitch as half a fan) find yourselves overjoyed once Skelton wins the job early in the season, please know that Kolb WILL play at some point. And so will Ryan Lindley. And so will Richard Bartel. OF TARLETON STATE! That's an actual school. I'd never heard of that school until six minutes ago. Sounds like a fictional rival school on Coach. Anyway, by the end of the season, the Cardinals will be staggering to the finish line with a mute hobo under center, running Beanie Wells 40 times a game into a ****ing brick wall while Larry Fitzgerald chokes Ken Whisenhunt to death on the sideline. I'm glad Kurt Warner's brain isn't alive to see this.

4. Did we mention that Arizona is a ****ing horrible place? Nothing delights me more than Arizona people trying desperately to keep people OUT of Arizona. You don't want me to go to your oven-hot bus station of a state? OH NO! WHAT EVER WILL I DO NOW?! I'll guess I'll have to find some other place to stare at old Midwesterners waiting to die and be shot at by deranged sheriffs who believe Justified is a documentary. O WOE IS ME!

I jumped out of an airplane in Arizona once. Given that you lose ten degrees every 1,000 feet you climb into the air, I can tell you that the only comfortable place in Arizona is roughly 4,000 feet above its surface. On the ground, it's an amusement park for the mentally ill.

5. Hear it from Leitch. We had absolutely no Cardinals fans write in for this preview because there are no Cardinals fans. There are only people who go to the stadium for the air conditioning. All we have is Will Leitch, who hates football and only pretends to cheer for an NFL team so that he doesn't look like the 90-year-old man we all know he secretly is. Here is what he says:

They're really amped about having won seven of eight down the stretch: They think that's the team's true level, and that the first half was an aberration. I think Whisenhunt is a terrific coach with a major blind spot: He thinks the QB position is just like any other, and competition will somehow produce a gem of a starter just because it worked with Warner. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt—he got the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl, which is something so insane I sort of think I dreamed it—but fact is: Both those QBs suck, and the sad thing is that might be all that matters
.

http://deadspin.com/5929571/why-your...zona-cardinals
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Old 07-31-2012, 12:44 PM   #2
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Oh man. Can't wait until they cover the Broncos. These Deadspin reports are always great.
You're welcome.

http://deadspin.com/5926633/why-your...denver-broncos
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Old 07-31-2012, 12:47 PM   #3
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4. Did we mention that Arizona is a ****ing horrible place? Nothing delights me more than Arizona people trying desperately to keep people OUT of Arizona. You don't want me to go to your oven-hot bus station of a state? OH NO! WHAT EVER WILL I DO NOW?! I'll guess I'll have to find some other place to stare at old Midwesterners waiting to die and be shot at by deranged sheriffs who believe Justified is a documentary. O WOE IS ME!

I jumped out of an airplane in Arizona once. Given that you lose ten degrees every 1,000 feet you climb into the air, I can tell you that the only comfortable place in Arizona is roughly 4,000 feet above its surface. On the ground, it's an amusement park for the mentally ill.
I loved Arizona when I visited. Of course it was February when it's not ass crack hot.
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Old 07-31-2012, 12:47 PM   #4
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Oh man. Can't believe I missed that. Thanks!

"I strongly advise all Broncos haters to scream, "HEY a-hole" at Peyton any time he walks down the street, so that he does a double-take and risks ending his career."

LULZ
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Old 07-31-2012, 12:48 PM   #5
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We should give Arizona back to Mexico. It's truly an awful place.
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Old 07-31-2012, 12:55 PM   #6
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I loved Arizona when I visited. Of course it was February when it's not ass crack hot.
As someone who lived in Arizona, I love to visit it. I don't miss the heat of the summer, but the fall and winter are nice and mild. I liked living there, but I mostly I prefer Colorado (except on -14 degree winter days).
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Old 07-31-2012, 01:07 PM   #7
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We should give Arizona back to Mexico. It's truly an awful place.
screw that - let's conquer mexico and call it "Tequila".....one way to solve the border problem....
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Old 07-31-2012, 01:10 PM   #8
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Oh

I jumped out of an airplane in Arizona once. Given that you lose ten degrees every 1,000 feet you climb into the air, I can tell you that the only comfortable place in Arizona is roughly 4,000 feet above its surface. On the ground, it's an amusement park for the mentally ill.l]
This guy has no clue what he is talking about. Try 2-3 degrees per 1000 feet but hey he sounds real cool.
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Old 07-31-2012, 07:32 PM   #9
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they can carve out phoenix, but the rest of the state is beautiful.
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:34 PM   #10
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they can carve out phoenix, but the rest of the state is beautiful.
Been to Quartzite?

How about Ajo?
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:15 PM   #11
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Been to Quartzite?

How about Ajo?
Both are awful in my opinion.
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:09 AM   #12
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I love phoenix! A couple months of 100+ aint bad. Living in the humid South, now that would suck
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:16 AM   #13
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Both are awful in my opinion.
Not many people have been to Ajo, AZ. It's where Carlos Castanda spent his last years on earth.
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:31 AM   #14
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Not many people have been to Ajo, AZ. It's where Carlos Castanda spent his last years on earth.
I have a few times driving to Rocky point. Only thing in AJO worth stopping for is a burger joint down town.
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:36 AM   #15
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I have a few times driving to Rocky point. Only thing in AJO worth stopping for is a burger joint down town.

There is also an amazing Mexican restaurant in Ajo but I can't remember the name of it.
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:38 AM   #16
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Didn't read.
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:49 PM   #17
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i'm going to cardinals camp in flagstaff, and as a broncos fan, I could care less about the cardinals. But , I do love me some football, and any is better than none.

My work lines me up for autographs, besides fitzgerald who would ou care to get sigs from? i'm giving the ball to a kid i know that loves the team.
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:51 PM   #18
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I love phoenix! A couple months of 100+ aint bad. Living in the humid South, now that would suck
ludo youve been here a while, i'm cool with tucson, and anywhere with a population greater than 25k, but phoenix has its pimples.
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Old 08-01-2012, 11:22 PM   #19
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That one's super mean lol. Ours was just funny. But they didn't have to point out Arizona is a total ****-hole
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