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Old 03-19-2012, 06:14 AM   #1
BowlenBall
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ELWAYGON:
What's wrong with you?

XANDERMIR:
Nothing.

ELWAYGON:
I'm going.

XANDERMIR:
So am I.

ELWAYGON:
Was I long asleep?

XANDERMIR:
I don't know.

(Silence.)

ELWAYGON:
Where shall we go?

XANDERMIR:
Not far.

ELWAYGON:
Oh yes, let's go far away from here.

XANDERMIR:
We can't.

ELWAYGON:
Why not?

XANDERMIR:
We have to come back tomorrow.

ELWAYGON:
What for?

XANDERMIR:
To wait for Manning.

ELWAYGON:
Ah!

(Silence.)

He didn't come?

XANDERMIR:
No.

ELWAYGON:
And now it's too late.

XANDERMIR:
Yes, now it's night.

ELWAYGON:
And if we dropped him?

(Pause.)

If we dropped him?

XANDERMIR:
He'd punish us.

(Silence. He looks at the tree.)

Everything's dead but the tree.

ELWAYGON:
(looking at the tree).

What is it?

XANDERMIR:
It's the tree.

ELWAYGON:
Yes, but what kind?

XANDERMIR:
I don't know. A willow.

(Elwaygon draws Xandermir towards the tree. They stand motionless before it. Silence.)

ELWAYGON:
Why don't we hang ourselves?

XANDERMIR:
With what?

ELWAYGON:
You haven't got a bit of rope?

XANDERMIR:
No.

ELWAYGON:
Then we can't.

(Silence.)

XANDERMIR:
Let's go.

ELWAYGON:
Wait, there's my belt.

XANDERMIR:
It's too short.

ELWAYGON:
You could hang onto my legs.

XANDERMIR:
And who'd hang onto mine?

ELWAYGON:
True.

XANDERMIR:
Show me all the same.

(Elwaygon loosens the cord that holds up his trousers which, much too big for him, fall about his ankles. They look at the cord.)

It might do in a pinch. But is it strong enough?

ELWAYGON:
We'll soon see. Here.
They each take an end of the cord and pull.

(It breaks. They almost fall.)

XANDERMIR:
Not worth a curse.

(Silence.)

ELWAYGON:
You say we have to come back tomorrow?

XANDERMIR:
Yes.

ELWAYGON:
Then we can bring a good bit of rope.

XANDERMIR:
Yes.

(Silence)

ELWAYGON:
Brian?

XANDERMIR:
Yes.

ELWAYGON:
I can't go on like this.

XANDERMIR:
That's what you think.

ELWAYGON:
If we parted? That might be better for us.

XANDERMIR:
We'll hang ourselves tomorrow.

(Pause.)

Unless Manning comes.

ELWAYGON:
And if he comes?

XANDERMIR:
We'll be saved.

(Xandermir takes off his hat, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, knocks on the crown, puts it on again.)

ELWAYGON:
Well? Shall we go?

XANDERMIR:
Pull on your trousers.

ELWAYGON:
What?

XANDERMIR:
Pull on your trousers.

ELWAYGON:
You want me to pull off my trousers?

XANDERMIR:
Pull ON your trousers.

ELWAYGON:
(realizing his trousers are down).

True.

(He pulls up his trousers.)

XANDERMIR:
Well? Shall we go?

ELWAYGON:
Yes, let's go.

(They do not move.)


Last edited by BowlenBall; 03-19-2012 at 06:21 AM..
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:37 AM   #2
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Name another football board that does Beckett jokes.

“ESTRAGON: I can't go on like this.
VLADIMIR: That's what you think.”

Last edited by Rohirrim; 03-19-2012 at 06:43 AM..
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:05 AM   #3
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BRILLIANCE!! Name another board who even KNOWS who Beckett is.

This is the exactly the play I have been thinking about this whole time.
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:33 AM   #4
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ELWAYGON:
He should be here.

XANDERMIR:
He didn't say for sure he'd come.

ELWAYGON:
And if he doesn't come?

XANDERMIR:
We'll come back tomorrow.

ELWAYGON:
And then the day after tomorrow.

XANDERMIR:
Possibly.

ELWAYGON:
And so on.

XANDERMIR:
The point is—

ELWAYGON:
Until he comes.

XANDERMIR:
You're merciless.

ELWAYGON:
We came here yesterday.

XANDERMIR:
Ah no, there you're mistaken.

ELWAYGON:
What did we do yesterday?

XANDERMIR:
What did we do yesterday?

ELWAYGON:
Yes.

XANDERMIR:
Why . . .

(Angrily.)

Nothing is certain when you're about.

ELWAYGON:
In my opinion we were here.

XANDERMIR:
(looking round).

You recognize the place?

ELWAYGON:
I didn't say that.

XANDERMIR:
Well?

ELWAYGON:
That makes no difference.

XANDERMIR:
All the same . . . that tree . . .

(turning towards stadium)

that bog . . .

ELWAYGON:
You're sure it was this evening?

XANDERMIR:
What?

ELWAYGON:
That we were to wait.

XANDERMIR:
He said Monday.

(Pause.)

I think.

ELWAYGON:
You think.

XANDERMIR:
I must have made a note of it.

(He fumbles in his pockets, bursting with miscellaneous rubbish.)

ELWAYGON:
(very insidious).

But what Monday? And is it Monday? Is it not rather Tuesday?

(Pause.)

Or Wednesday?

(Pause.)

Or Thursday?

XANDERMIR:
(looking wildly about him, as though the date was inscribed in the landscape).

It's not possible!

ELWAYGON:
Or Friday?

XANDERMIR:
What'll we do?

ELWAYGON:
If he came yesterday and we weren't here you may be sure he won't come again today.

XANDERMIR:
But you say we were here yesterday.

ELWAYGON:
I may be mistaken.

(Pause.)

Let's stop talking for a minute, do you mind?


Last edited by BowlenBall; 03-19-2012 at 07:37 AM..
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:41 AM   #5
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It beats Xanermir's last play 'Waiting for Kno-Show Moreno'





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Old 03-19-2012, 08:16 AM   #6
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absolutely brilliant!!!!!
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:19 AM   #7
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ELWAYGON:
What do we do now?

XANDERMIR:
Wait for Manning.

ELWAYGON:
Ah!

(Silence.)

XANDERMIR:
This is awful!

ELWAYGON:
Sing something.

XANDERMIR:
No no!

(He reflects.)

We could start all over again perhaps.

ELWAYGON:
That should be easy.

XANDERMIR:
It's the start that's difficult.

ELWAYGON:
You can start from anything.

XANDERMIR:
Yes, but you have to decide.

ELWAYGON:
True.

(Silence.)

XANDERMIR:
Help me!

ELWAYGON:
I'm trying.

(Silence.)

XANDERMIR:
When you seek you hear.

ELWAYGON:
You do.

XANDERMIR:
That prevents you from finding.

ELWAYGON:
It does.

XANDERMIR:
That prevents you from thinking.

ELWAYGON:
You think all the same.

XANDERMIR:
No no, it's impossible.

ELWAYGON:
That's the idea, let's contradict each another.

XANDERMIR:
Impossible.

ELWAYGON:
You think so?

XANDERMIR:
We're in no danger of ever thinking any more.

ELWAYGON:
Then what are we complaining about?

XANDERMIR:
Thinking is not the worst.

ELWAYGON:
Perhaps not. But at least there's that.

XANDERMIR:
That what?

ELWAYGON:
That's the idea, let's ask each other questions.

XANDERMIR:
What do you mean, at least there's that?

ELWAYGON:
That much less misery.

XANDERMIR:
True.

ELWAYGON:
Well? If we gave thanks for our mercies?

XANDERMIR:
What is terrible is to have thought.

ELWAYGON:
But did that ever happen to us?

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Old 03-19-2012, 08:46 AM   #8
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:08 AM   #9
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ahahhaha. Great stuff. Rep!
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:11 AM   #10
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XANDERMIR:
Well? What do we do?

ELWAYGON:
Don't let's do anything. It's safer.

XANDERMIR:
Let's wait and see what he says.

ELWAYGON:
Who?

XANDERMIR:
Manning.

ELWAYGON:
Good idea.

XANDERMIR:
Let's wait till we know exactly how we stand.

ELWAYGON:
On the other hand it might be better to strike the iron before it freezes.

XANDERMIR:
I'm curious to hear what he has to offer. Then we'll take it or leave it.

ELWAYGON:
What exactly did we ask him for?

XANDERMIR:
Were you not there?

ELWAYGON:
I can't have been listening.

XANDERMIR:
Oh . . . Nothing very definite.

ELWAYGON:
A kind of prayer.

XANDERMIR:
Precisely.

ELWAYGON:
A vague supplication.

XANDERMIR:
Exactly.

ELWAYGON:
And what did he reply?

XANDERMIR:
That he'd see.

ELWAYGON:
That he couldn't promise anything.

XANDERMIR:
That he'd have to think it over.

ELWAYGON:
In the quiet of his home.

XANDERMIR:
Consult his family.

ELWAYGON:
His friends.

XANDERMIR:
His agents.

ELWAYGON:
His correspondents.

XANDERMIR:
His books.

ELWAYGON:
His bank account.

XANDERMIR:
Before taking a decision.

ELWAYGON:
It's the normal thing.

XANDERMIR:
Is it not?

ELWAYGON:
I think it is.

XANDERMIR:
I think so too.

(Silence.)

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Old 03-19-2012, 09:33 AM   #11
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:52 AM   #12
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ELWAYGON:
Let's go.

XANDERMIR:
We can't.

ELWAYGON:
Why not?

XANDERMIR:
We're waiting for Manning.

ELWAYGON:
Ah!

(Xandermir walks up and down.)

Can you not stay still?

XANDERMIR:
I'm cold.

ELWAYGON:
We came too soon.

XANDERMIR:
It's always at nightfall.

ELWAYGON:
But night doesn't fall.

XANDERMIR:
It'll fall all of a sudden, like yesterday.

ELWAYGON:
Then it'll be night.

XANDERMIR:
And we can go.

ELWAYGON:
Then it'll be day again.

(Pause. Despairing.)

What'll we do, what'll we do!

XANDERMIR:
(halting, violently).

Will you stop whining! I've had about my bellyful of your lamentations!

ELWAYGON:
I'm going.

XANDERMIR:
(seeing Bowlen's hat).

Well!

ELWAYGON:
Farewell.

XANDERMIR:
Bowlen's hat.



(He goes towards it.)

I've been here an hour and never saw it.

(Very pleased.)

Fine!

ELWAYGON:
You'll never see me again.

XANDERMIR:
I knew it was the right place. Now our troubles are over.

(He picks up the hat, contemplates it, straightens it.)

Must have been a very fine hat.

(He puts it on in place of his own which he hands to Elwaygon.)

Here.

ELWAYGON:
What?

XANDERMIR:
Hold that.

(Elwaygon takes Xandermir's hat. Xandermir adjusts Bowlen's hat on his head. Elwaygon puts on Xandermir's hat in place of his own which he hands to Xandermir. Xandermir takes Elwaygon's hat. Elwaygon adjusts Xandermir's hat on his head. Xandermir puts on Elwaygon's hat in place of Bowlen's which he hands to Elwaygon. Elwaygon takes Bowlen's hat. Xandermir adjusts Elwaygon's hat on his head. Elwaygon puts on Bowlen's hat in place of Xandermir's which he hands to Xandermir. Xandermir takes his hat, Elwaygon adjusts Bowlen's hat on his head. Xandermir puts on his hat in place of Elwaygon's which he hands to Elwaygon. Elwaygon takes his hat. Xandermir adjusts his hat on his head. Elwaygon puts on his hat in place of Bowlen's which he hands to Xandermir. Xandermir takes Bowlen's hat. Elwaygon adjusts his hat on his head. Xandermir puts on Bowlen's hat in place of his own which he hands to Elwaygon. Elwaygon takes Xandermir's hat. Xandermir adjusts Bowlen's hat on his head. Elwaygon hands Xandermir's hat back to Xandermir who takes it and hands it back to Elwaygon who takes it and hands it back to Xandermir who takes it and throws it down)

How does it fit me?

ELWAYGON:
How would I know?

XANDERMIR:
No, but how do I look in it?

(He turns his head coquettishly to and fro, minces like a mannequin.)

ELWAYGON:
Hideous.

XANDERMIR:
Yes, but not more so than usual?

ELWAYGON:
Neither more nor less.

XANDERMIR:
Then I can keep it. Mine irked me.

(Pause.)

How shall I say?

(Pause.)

It itched me.

(He takes off Bowlen's hat, peers into it, shakes it, knocks on the crown, puts it on again)

ELWAYGON:
I'm going.

(Silence.)

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Old 03-19-2012, 10:29 AM   #13
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:15 PM   #14
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Well, they didn't get the ending right, but I'm not going to complain.
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:17 PM   #15
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nice
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:30 PM   #16
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**** yeah
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:41 PM   #17
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2014 -- This one's for Pat.

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I had four or five more 'episodes' prepared, but the Broncos front office doesn't appreciate existentialism, apparently.
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