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Old 01-31-2012, 11:00 AM   #76
broncocalijohn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by errand View Post
I also love cinnamon buns...but don't always have time to make them....sometimes I'd love to have some cinnamon bun incense, and have my room mates wake up with false hopes

Aw c'mon man...they're crackers...I did not buy them cuz they're edible plates (commenting on the recipes for Ritz crackers)

RIP Mitch Hedberg
Never knew this guy died and he did 6 years ago. I just recently watched him on Comedy Central and his delivery was pretty different then most comedians. He reminded me of Kid Rock with a certain black man's voice. I read his Wikipedia page and understand why and what he did. Had some good funny everyday jokes. The crackers one was longer than you stated and I was laughing pretty hard.
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:27 AM   #77
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:32 AM   #78
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Originally Posted by Kaylore View Post
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What's stucco?
What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
In Fort Launderdale.


What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What's a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka Cola.

You officially lose this thread.
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:42 AM   #79
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A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?

The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:47 AM   #80
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oubronco View Post
A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?

The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!
BOOM!
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:11 PM   #81
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Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Quote:
Originally Posted by oubronco View Post
A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?

The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!
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Old 02-04-2012, 10:09 PM   #82
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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "Can you make me one with everything"?






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Old 02-04-2012, 10:22 PM   #83
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obama is my shepherd; I shall not work.
He keepth jobs out of the hands of the people,
Which leadeth the country to class warfare and polarization.
He encourageth sloth; 
he leadeth the government to new heights in deficit spending.
Yea, though I walk in the shadow of Economic collapse,
I shall fear no depression: for Obama is with me.
His handouts and monetary indiscretion supplement my income.
He maintainest spending increases in the presence of insurmountable debt;
He punisheth businesses with excessive regulations;
And giveth the hard-earned fruits of labor to the unproductive.
Surely, handouts and stimulus payments shall follow all the days of his administration;
And I will stay unemployed forever.
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Old 02-04-2012, 10:55 PM   #84
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Didn't see the guidelines of this thread. Can we tell Mexican and Polish jokes?
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:08 PM   #85
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From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.




From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached





From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.




From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.





From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

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Old 02-05-2012, 04:18 AM   #86
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Guess its time to dust this one off...and oldie but a goodie..

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. boobies like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****iing remote is.
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Old 02-05-2012, 08:22 AM   #87
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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

What did I do wrong?
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Old 02-08-2012, 08:45 AM   #88
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, I have a headache!

Perfect, her husband said. I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:34 AM   #89
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strafen View Post
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

What did I do wrong?
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:00 AM   #90
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strafen View Post
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

What did I do wrong?
Nice,
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Old 02-08-2012, 07:31 PM   #91
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Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair

because they tried it the other way and they kept filling up with rocks
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Old 02-08-2012, 08:54 PM   #92
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Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
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Old 02-08-2012, 08:59 PM   #93
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Weight Loss for Men

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink Nikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:31 AM   #94
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Default women vs men

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
a
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new
argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people
remembering the same thing.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:22 PM   #95
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an a-hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Old 02-13-2012, 02:58 PM   #96
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not a joke per se and if I wasn't so lazy i'd post this on the NE loses again to the giants thread or whatever the official game thread is, but eh...it's funny. NSFW!!! lots of cursing...be advised..

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Old 02-22-2012, 12:08 PM   #97
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After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to F*^$ You, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:23 PM   #98
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Default Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises
the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you
are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family.

What do you do?

................................................

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few days and try to come to a consensus.
................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
.. ..............................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:51 PM   #99
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Johnny walks into a bar with a full grown alligator. Bartender ask the guy whats up with the alligator. Johnny proceeds to yell out to get everyone attention. The entire crowd turns toward Johnny and see what all the fuss was about. Johnny told the crowd that he will put his penis in the mouth of an alligator and let the alligator bite down. He would then pull his penis out and show everyone his penis without so much as a scratch and in return all he wants is someone to buy him drinks. Crowd agrees and sure enough, Johnny puts his penis in the alligators mouth and with a loud noise, the alligator bites down. Without so much as any sign of pain, Johnny grabs a beer bottles slams it over the alligators head and pulls his penis out. Much to the amazement of the crowd, not one scratch. The crowd cheers wildly and buys him all the drinks he wanted. Johnny then yells out daring anyone to try and pull this off and he will buy them all the drinks they wanted. The crowd goes quiet until a blond in the back walks up and says "I'll try it, but please don't hit me over the head with the beer bottle"
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:02 PM   #100
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arkie View Post
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.



That is awesome!
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