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Old 01-23-2012, 07:57 PM   #51
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A pregnant lady started having some discomfort, and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. The doctor does a quick examination, and tells the lady he will return shortly. The doctor is gone for awhile and then comes back in.

"Well I have some good news and some bad news..." he says

"Oh no what's the bad news?" the lady asks

"After your examine I'm sorry to have to tell you that your baby is a Ginger.." He tells her

The woman's face twists in disgust "This can't be!" she cries "What the hell is the good news then?"

The doctors looks at her and says "It's Dead."
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:09 PM   #52
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A man with a terrible headache that's lasted for few days goes to see his physician friend to find out what is wrong....

his friend runs the required tests and at the next appointment, tells his friend "i've got some good news and bad news...which do you wanna hear first"?

The man says he wants the bad news first. His friend tells him " you have a very inoperable tumor in your brain and you will die in excruciating death in about 2 weeks.... I can give you morphine but that will only dull the pain....i'm very sorry"

Stunned, he asks the doctor " well, what is the good news"?

the doctor opens the door to his office and inside is a hot blonde bending over putting files away and she has the nicest body in the world..."I'm banging her...."
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:46 AM   #53
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This aint a joke.. but it sure made me smile! Just make sure to turn de volume off! (The music sucks!!!)

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Old 01-24-2012, 01:51 AM   #54
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:51 AM   #55
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A man goes to the doctor to get his test results. "Im afraid I have bad news" says the doctor. "You have cancer AND alziemers disease".

the man pauses for a second and says "At least I don't have cancer."
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:55 AM   #56
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A man is at a bar when he throws up all over his shirt."Aw man, my wife is gonna kill me. I told her I quit drinking.". sitting next to him is another man who offers him some help. "Stick a ten dollar bill in your shirt, and tell your wife some guy got sick on you and gave you money to clean it.".

Later that night the man returns home and is immediatly greeted by his upset wife who sees the vomit and accuses him of drinking. "No honey, you got it wrong, a man threw up on me and gave me ten dollars to clean my shirt.". she looks at it and says "thats a 20 dollar bill."

"Oh yeah"the man says "he **** in my pants too.'
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Old 01-24-2012, 09:03 AM   #57
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A kid asks his dad what the difference was between hypothetically and theoretically speaking...the dad tells him to ask his mom and sister if they would have sex with the fat pizza face guy down the street if he gave them $1,000,000.

The kid comes back says both said "Yes.....for a million bucks, they would"

Dad says ok, here's the difference- "theoretically speaking, we're living with two prostitutes....hypothetically speaking, we could be millionaires"
ok, this is awesome
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Old 01-24-2012, 09:20 AM   #58
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Two young boys, Timmy (age 8) and Tommy(age 6), are tucked into bed one night by their mother. After a few minutes, Timmy says to his younger brother "ya know tommy, I think we're old enough now, that we can start swearing".

"WHAT!?!?!" tommy exclaims
"ya" timmy says "I think tomorrow morning at breakfast I'm gonna say a cuss word in front of Dad".
"what're you gonna say?" tommy asks
"hmmmm...well, I think I'm gonna say HELL!"
"OH MY GOSH!!!! You're gonna say HELL in front of dad tomorrow I can't even believe it! You have to pinky swear!"

So timmy reaches up to the top bunk, and they pinky swear. NOW, Tommy is laying in his bed, tingling with excitement.

"You know what Timmy, you're right. I'M gonna cuss in front of Dad tomorrow at breakfast too!!!"
"what What're YOU going to say?"
".I'm gonna say Ass!"
"YOU'RE GONNA SAY ASS IN FRONT OF DAD TOMORROW AT BREAKFAST!!!!?! Ok, we gotta pinky swear!"
So, Tommy reaches down from his top bunk, and the two young boys pinky swear.

Each of them is wired with excitement, and after a few minutes fade off to sleep with visions of the morning.

They're awoken around 7 am, with their mother calling upstairs to them "Boys, get up, it's time for breakfast!!!"

With grins on their faces, they quickly hop out of bed and head down to the dining room.

Upon sitting down at the table, their father greets them with a tussle of the hair.

" Good morning boys! Timmy, what would you like for breakfast?"

Timmy, quickly glances over at Tommy, and says "Eh, what the hell, give me some Cheerios".

WHAMMY! The dad reaches across the table and backhands timmy right in the mouth, sending him crashing out of his chair. Tommy, wide eyed and mouth open, has watched the whole situation unfold. Timmy, head spinning, is staring at him from the ground, with his pinky up in the air as if to say "you swore!".

Now, the dad, breathing heavily and slightly red, turns to his younger son.

"Well Tommy, what would YOU like for breakfast?".

Tommy sits for a moment, and after a big gulp, says, "well dad, you can BET YOUR ASS it ain't gonna be cheerios!"
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:47 PM   #59
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None of the next are mine....

I don't have a girlfriend...i just know a woman that would be really pissed if she heard me say that.

I went to wal-mart to buy a candle holder, they didn't have any....so i bought a cake.

an escalator can never be broken...it can only become stairs....you will never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign...you will only see "escalator temporarilty stairs sign...sorry for the convenience"

I was standing in a club when the bouncer came over and said "You need to move...you're blocking the fire exit" as if i would still be standing there if there was a fire. If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.

I sometimes rent cars and have a hard time figuring out where things are in them...like the emergency brake...sometimes I drive and forget it's engaged....now that doesn't say alot for me, but it says even less about the emergency brake...it should be called the "emergency make the car smell funny" lever.

I love baked potatoes, but they're hard to cook in a regular oven, it takes too long...sometimes i just throw one in cuz a few hours later, who knows?

I also love cinnamon buns...but don't always have time to make them....sometimes I'd love to have some cinnamon bun incense, and have my room mates wake up with false hopes

Aw c'mon man...they're crackers...I did not buy them cuz they're edible plates (commenting on the recipes for Ritz crackers)

RIP Mitch Hedberg
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:51 PM   #60
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx6508sRtzc
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:51 PM   #61
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Iíve been a target and this is not funnyÖ

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: As you come out of Home Depot, two seriously good-looking 22-23 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Thursday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:25 PM   #62
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not exactly jokes, but made me laugh...

http://likeandshare.blogspot.com/201...-november.html
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:48 PM   #63
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Quote:
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If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
My dining room table disagrees.
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Old 01-24-2012, 03:50 PM   #64
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My dining room table disagrees.
boom
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Old 01-24-2012, 04:35 PM   #65
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boom
goes the dynamite.
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Old 01-24-2012, 04:58 PM   #66
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My dining room table disagrees.
Forgot the inanimate object disclaimer....sorry
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Old 01-25-2012, 05:50 PM   #67
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the top 3 candidates for the CIA's one open position were mustered together...they were told that this last test was to see if they would trust the CIA completely.

Each was told to walk into the room in front of them, go the desk, pull the gun out of the drawer and shoot their wife with it.

The first guy says he loved his wife to much to even think of doing that, so he declined and was dismissed.

The 2nd guy said that his wife was pregnant, and he too loved her too much to risk losing his wife and child, declined the chance and was dismissed.

The last guy went into the room, and the CIA director heard 15 gunshots, and then what sounded like a big brawl with furniture breaking and screaming.

When the candidate emerged from the room, the director asked "what happened?"

the guy responded "Well, some dumbass put blanks in the gun, so I had to beat her to death with that leg i broke off the desk"
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Old 01-25-2012, 10:19 PM   #68
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My dining room table disagrees.
I like the idea of someone setting up their dining room table in a club, specifically in front of the fire exit.
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:31 AM   #69
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Jim goes to a doctor concerning his chronic exhaustion. Doctor tells him that it was easy, all Jim had to do was take 2 pills a day for a week through his rectum. Jim was unsure about this and the doctor offered some help. Doctor told Jim to bend over and swiftly inserted the pill in his rectum.

Later in the day, Jim ask his wife to help him insert the pill in his rectum. Jim proceeds to bend over and his wife inserts the pill. Jim yells out "DAMN". His wife asked him if she did anything wrong or if it hurts. Jim responds "No, i just realized you did it differently from the doctor. When the doctor did it, he had both his hands on my shoulder"
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:59 AM   #70
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A young man finally realized his lifelong dream of purchasing a Harley Davidson Motorcycle. While explaining basic maintenance, the sales associate handed him a container of Vaseline, advising him that if he ever was caught out in the rain to quickly apply the Vaseline to the chrome parts to protect them from rusting.

The next week, they young man took his girlfriend to visit her parents for dinner. She had explained that her family had a strange tradition stipulating that whoever spoke first after meals was required to do the dishes. A pleasant enough dinner followed, but immediately after the meal, everyone simply sat at the table staring at each other.

Uncertain of how to handle the awkward silence, the young man begin to kiss his girlfriend. When that received no response, he begin to make out with her before throwing her on the table and making passionate love to her. Emboldened by the lack of reaction, he then threw the mother on the table and made passionate love to her.

At that moment he heard the sound of an approaching storm and, remembering the Salesman's advice, pulled the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.

The father stood and shouted, "All right goddammit, I'll do the dishes!"

Last edited by v2micca; 01-27-2012 at 08:15 AM..
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Old 01-26-2012, 12:35 PM   #71
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The Arabs are not happy!

They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria. ;
They're not happy in Lebanon.
So, where are they happy ?
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
ARABS:
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's have a look at the evidence: No Christmas. No television. No nude women. No football. No pork chops. No hotdogs. No burgers. No beer. No bacon. Rags for clothes. Towels for hats. Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower. More than one wife. More than one mother-in-law. You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't wash off the smell of donkey. You wipe your ass with your hand. You cook over burning camel ****. Your wife is picked by someone else. Your wife smells worse than your donkey. Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better". No **** Sherlock! It's not like it could get much worse! !
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Old 01-26-2012, 12:40 PM   #72
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Strafen with a dumb joke. Go figure.
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Old 01-26-2012, 12:50 PM   #73
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Strafen with a dumb joke. Go figure.
He ruined the thread with some rip off of a FB post.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:48 AM   #74
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Default Well, let's get the Joke Thread Back on Track

An old woman came home one day and was shocked to find her daughter using a vibrator.

The daughter calmly explained to her, "Look mom, I'm 43 years old. I'm overweight and I live with my parents. This is the closest to a husband that I'm going to get."

The mother wasn't happy but accepted her daughters explanation. The next week, her husband came home and caught the daughter in a similarly compromising situation.

Once again the daughter explained, "Look dad, its like I told mom. I'm 43, overweight and live with my parents. This is the closest I'm getting to a husband."

The next week, the mother came home to find her husband sitting in front of the television, a beer on one hand and the vibrator in the other.

"Honey, what are you doing?" she asked in shock.

The old man shrugged. "What's it look like. I'm having a beer and watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:32 AM   #75
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A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
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