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Old 01-22-2012, 01:38 PM   #26
eddie mac
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A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Old 01-22-2012, 01:39 PM   #27
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Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
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Old 01-22-2012, 01:40 PM   #28
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a-holes."

"What? He had two a-holes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a-holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two a-holes....'"
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Old 01-22-2012, 01:49 PM   #29
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.
Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Old 01-22-2012, 01:51 PM   #30
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An Italian says, When i've a finished a makin love I go down and tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy

A Frenchman replies that is nothing, When i've finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstacy

A Redneck says, That ain't nuthin. When i'm finished porkin the ol lady, I git out a bed walk over to the window and wipe my weiner on the curtains, she hits the fuggin ceiling!
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Old 01-22-2012, 02:04 PM   #31
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The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language
development . Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun
Contest:

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, holding two dead raccoons . The
Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger . "

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive . "

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer . "

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They
ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis . (You Ain't Nothing
but a Hound Dog--added by EdB)

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh .

No pun in ten did .
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Old 01-22-2012, 02:25 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronco Bob View Post
The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language
development . Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun
Contest:

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, holding two dead raccoons . The
Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger . "

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive . "

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer . "

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They
ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis . (You Ain't Nothing
but a Hound Dog--added by EdB)

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh .

No pun in ten did .
Hooray for puns!
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Old 01-22-2012, 09:27 PM   #33
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A man gets pulled over by a trooper.....

Trooper: "sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Man: "no, why?"

Trooper: "well sir, you didn't stop at that stop sign....you slowed down, the went thru..."

Man: "slow down, stop....what's the ****ing difference?"

The trooper takes out his baton, and begins smacking the man on his head and asks "ok, you want me to slow down or stop?"
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Old 01-22-2012, 09:37 PM   #34
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A trooper pulls over a car full of old ladies traveling very slowly on I-10. He asks them why they were driving so slowly on an interstate. The driver stated the speed limit sign said 10mph...

The trooper chuckled and said "ma'am, that's the route identity, Interstate 10....the speed limit is 65mph" He then noticed a strong urine odor coming from the car, and asks if everything was OK.

The driver stated "Oh, I'm sure it is...see we just got off US 146"
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:29 AM   #35
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What do you do if you are attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler.
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Old 01-23-2012, 09:36 AM   #36
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Two bronco fans and their raider-fan buddy are walking to their favorite watering hole to watch the big game....

They take a shortcut thru a field and come across the nude body of a strangled woman. They immediately call 911and tell the operator about their discovery. While waiting one of them suggests that they cover her breasts and privates to give her some dignity. So the bronco fans put their bronco caps over a breast, and raider fan puts his raider cap over her privates.

Detectives investigate, and look under bronco caps...put them back...they look under raider cap, and seem confused....they scratch theirs heads and ask another cop for his opinion....he lifts the cap and concurs....

"yes it is odd....usually when you see a raider cap, there's always an a-hole under it"
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:22 AM   #37
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Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for vacation?


To John Cougars melon camp
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:39 AM   #38
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Into the bar walk an illegal alien, a black guy, a marxist, and a community organizer.

And the bartender asks "What can I get for you Mr President?"
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:03 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BroncoFanatic View Post
Into the bar walk an illegal alien, a black guy, a marxist, and a community organizer.

And the bartender asks "What can I get for you Mr President?"
I'll take some of that avatar WOW!
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:13 PM   #40
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I'll take some of that avatar WOW!
She is the hottest avy on the forum these days, I'm thinkin'
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:24 PM   #41
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You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.’

______
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.






_________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


______

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.’
_______

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.’
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.’

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.’
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death'
__________

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:25 PM   #42
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Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , Louisiana .
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:51 PM   #43
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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What's stucco?
What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
In Fort Launderdale.


What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What's a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka Cola.

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Old 01-23-2012, 02:53 PM   #44
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An addict was approached by the Devil. The Devil smiled and said "My friend, I have a proposition for you. I can give you all the drugs, women, alcohol and sex you want. More than you can handle, in fact. Eventually you will lose your, job, your home, your family and finally your health and very life."

The addict looked suspiciously at the Devil. "What's the catch?"

Last edited by Kaylore; 01-23-2012 at 05:06 PM..
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:57 PM   #45
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Not really a joke, but it's funny.

Quote:
Original ad:
MULTI-DISC CD player wanted
WTB a CD changer that can hold at least 50 CDs. Must be in good condition. Email or call 215-***-****
From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hello,

I am selling my 60-Disc Technics SL-MC4 CD changer. This thing is in excellent condition and works great. I have included a picture of it. I'm asking $75 for it. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Mike

Attachments:



From Steve ******* to Me:

Mike, the CD player looks good. Does it have a remote? If so, I can pick it up tomorrow. Where do you live?

Steve

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve,

It does have a remote. Tomorrow works for me, I work in Manayunk near the hospital and can bring the CD player to work with me. We can meet anywhere around there in the afternoon.

Just one minor thing though, and I truly am sorry about this, but I accidentally tripped over the CD player in the dark earlier and chipped the side of the plastic cover. There isn't a screen there and it does not affect the performance whatsoever, but I just thought I should let you know. I've included a picture of the small chip.

Mike

Attachments:



From Steve ******* to Me:

No worries... That is fine. What's your phone number? Mine is 215-***-****.

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve, I'm really sorry, but I accidentally damaged it a little more. I really should have moved it out of the middle of the hallway, because I just tripped over it again. Unfortunately I was wearing steel-tipped boots and cracked the plastic cover around the screen. A few of the buttons got mashed in as well. You can still play songs 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9, though. Or just use the remote. It still plays CDs fine, and I've included a picture of it powered on so you can see that it still works.

Once again, I am terribly sorry about this. I am going to knock $10 off of the price for your inconvenience.

Mike

Attachments:



From Steve ******* to Me:

Could you drop the price down to $50? That looks pretty bad.

From Me to Steve *******:

Sure. It is my fault for tripping over it anyway.

From Me to Steve *******:


Hey, it's me again. I was loading the CD player into my trunk to bring to work tomorrow, but then my friend called me and I got distracted. Long story short, I forgot the CD player was behind my car and I accidentally backed over it a little bit when I went to go to Wawa. Thankfully I hit the brakes before I crushed anything important, but the back frame is a little bent.



I assure you that the CD player still works. On the bright side, the car must have popped that chipped plastic cover off of the front, so now you can clearly see the real screen. I think it looks better, don't you? From the front, staring at it head on, you can't even tell that the back is bashed in like that. Seeing as I improved the looks from the front, I am going to bump the price back up to $60.

I am going to try my best to bend the metal frame back to the way it was. Once again, I am very sorry about this.

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

Are you kidding me? That thing is ruined. What a freaking klutz you are! How didn't you realize it was behind your car?

From Steve ******* to Me:

Oh, and you have the nerve to charge me MORE money for breaking it worse?

From Me to Steve *******:


Don't worry, I can fix it. I'm working on fixing it right now.

From Me to Steve *******:

Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, the CD player still works. The bad news is that I was smoking a cigar while I was trying to repair it, and it accidentally set part of the CD player on fire.



As you can see from the picture, some of the CD player has melted. Thanks to my 2 months experience as a volunteer firefighter, my instincts kicked in and I was able to extinguish the flames with my coffee before too much of the CD player melted. It still can hold about 33-35 CDs, and all that stuff that melted on the right side wasn't important anyway.

Unfortunately, I drink expensive coffee and it was nearly full when I had to use it to put out the fire. Therefore, I am adding another $3 to the price of the CD player to bring the grand total to $63.

Once again, the CD player still works. I think it sounds even better than before. It is now in my trunk and ready to be sold to you tomorrow. I'll give you a call when I have my lunch break so we can meet up for the sale.

Thanks,

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

You must be stupid if you think I'll pay $63 for the charred remains of your CD player. I can't believe how badly you managed to **** that thing up. How are you still alive? How have you managed to make it this far in life, when CLEARLY you are too foolish to keep even a CD player from being burned to a crisp? I really want to know! Please, Mike, tell me.

From Me to Steve *******:

I'm sorry if I upset you by bumping the price up to $63. Let's just call it $60. Deal?

From Steve ******* to Me:

...how are you this dumb?
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:48 PM   #46
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A kid asks his dad what the difference was between hypothetically and theoretically speaking...the dad tells him to ask his mom and sister if they would have sex with the fat pizza face guy down the street if he gave them $1,000,000.

The kid comes back says both said "Yes.....for a million bucks, they would"

Dad says ok, here's the difference- "theoretically speaking, we're living with two prostitutes....hypothetically speaking, we could be millionaires"
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:51 PM   #47
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Coincide - it's what you do when it's raining

Bacteria - back entrance to cafeteria

Caltitude - how high a cat's ass gets when you scratch it
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:58 PM   #48
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Why is divorce so expensive? Cuz it's worth every penny.

I dropped 160lbs. of worthless weight in a single day....I got divorced

Why do men die before women? Cuz we want to.

If a man says something and there's no women around to hear him....is he still wrong?

How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? We have no idea....it's never happened before.

How many men does it take to sweep and mop a kitchen floor.....none, that's a woman's job.

Last edited by errand; 01-23-2012 at 04:02 PM..
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Old 01-23-2012, 04:14 PM   #49
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the difference between men and women can be pinned down to just 2 words

negotiation and cooperation

you got 4 women having a night together playing cards and drinking beer.... when one notices that they are out of chip dip... all women will get up and either make more dip or go buy more dip...cooperation

you have 4 men in the same scenario.... when 1 sees that they are out of dip, 1 guy stands up and says "well it's my house".... another guy says "well I bought the beer"...... the third guy says "well I bought the chips and dip"..... Last guy realizes he has not contributed so he knows he has to go buy some more dip.... he had lost the negotiation.

and both of the scenarios are perfectly understood..... both women and men are okay with it

the problem is when you have mixed company... you have two married couples playing cards, drinking beer, eating chips and dip and they noticed there is no dip.... and one guy stands up and says "well it's my house..."

and the two women look at each other and say what an a-hole...

Last edited by errand; 01-23-2012 at 04:17 PM..
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Old 01-23-2012, 05:18 PM   #50
Rocket 7
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There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
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