Esquire on Tebow

[BowlenBall]

Short articles from four of Esquire's best writers on the occasion of Brady/Tebow I:

1) Tim Tebow, Mannequin by Tom Chiarella

"Any human who would defend the way Tim Tebow kicks himself in the ass with his own left foot ought to have his Marriott rewards status revoked immediately for not doing his job. Which is to say that humans like Phil Simms need to stop giving white, Christian fans a reason to believe that Tebow's actually got exactly what one looks for in a professional quarterback. But there, at the end, the camera stayed on Tebow, the great white trope for everything old-fashioned and wobbly about white athleticism."

2) Tim Tebow, Uncool by Scott Raab

"I haven't seen a professional athlete hated like Tebow for the secular sin of religiosity since Cassius Clay became Muhammad Ali. Blasphemy, I know. But nonetheless it is true. And so I am both delighted and appalled at how many fine folks — who take pride in their embrace of ethnic diversity and would never ever tolerate any hint of bigotry as they define it — foam at their keyboards in fury at the sight of Tim Tebow kneeling in prayer on the football field."

3) Tim Tebow, Man of Millions by Tom Junod

"Now, Tim Tebow does not — and, for now, cannot — complete 60 percent of his passes. He's strong, so he can shot-put and corkscrew the ball all over the field, but he often looks like he's throwing the ball away when he's not, and he avoids interceptions by coming nowhere near his intended receiver. It would be tempting to say that none of this matters to the legions he has inspired, but of course it's all that matters: Because Tim Tebow is a religious figure rather than an athletic one, the limitations of his talent wind up testifying to the potency of his faith. The fact that he'll be almost comically inept for three quarters and then catch an updraft of mastery in the fourth serves to demonstrate not that he's a winner but that Jesus is — and, above all, that Christianity works."

4) Tim Tebow, Overdog by Chris Jones

"Principally, there will remain the totally insane belief that Tim Tebow is an underdog. Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, even with New England's awful defense, have a way of making everybody who plays against them seem plucky by comparison, probably because they are evil incarnate. When Tebow ran in that opening score last night, it felt as though David had just rushed through the legs of Goliath. But Tim Tebow is Goliath. A six-foot-three-inch, 236-pound physical specimen, the very definition of pure athletic ability. In high school, he was twice named Florida's Player of the Year. In college, he won pretty much everything, including the Heisman. Now he is the starting quarterback for a playoff-contending National Football League franchise. He is a multi-millionaire. He has an impossible hairline. Impossible. Every last thing in the life of Tim Tebow has broken his way. I'm convinced that he's actually right-handed, and he just throws with his gimpy left so that football will continue to be a challenge for him."

[TheReverend]

Oh thank God.

I've been waiting with baited breath to see how Esquire would weigh in on this.

Now I can rest easy.

[ColoradoDarin]

Cut to - development meeting 11am:

"Tim Tebow is the biggest story going these days, we need to squeeze him into our magazine, no matter how silly we look!!!!!"

"But we know nothing about football."

"I DON'T CARE!!! Just write something that has the words Tim Tebow in it or you're all out on your a** this Generic Holiday Season!!!!!"

"Okay boss!"

[jhns]

Most of that is just retarded. The very last line of #4 made me laugh though.

[Elway 4 Life]

4) Tim Tebow, Overdog by Chris Jones

"Principally, there will remain the totally insane belief that Tim Tebow is an underdog. Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, even with New England's awful defense, have a way of making everybody who plays against them seem plucky by comparison, probably because they are evil incarnate. When Tebow ran in that opening score last night, it felt as though David had just rushed through the legs of Goliath. But Tim Tebow is Goliath. A six-foot-three-inch, 236-pound physical specimen, the very definition of pure athletic ability. In high school, he was twice named Florida's Player of the Year. In college, he won pretty much everything, including the Heisman. Now he is the starting quarterback for a playoff-contending National Football League franchise. He is a multi-millionaire. He has an impossible hairline. Impossible. Every last thing in the life of Tim Tebow has broken his way. I'm convinced that he's actually right-handed, and he just throws with his gimpy left so that football will continue to be a challenge for him."

rofl

[ColoradoDarin]

Originally Posted by TheReverend

Oh thank God.

I've been waiting with baited breath to see how Esquire would weigh in on this.

Now I can rest easy.

^bated.

Originally Posted by TheReverend

^ lenient.

[hades]

Elway 4 Life, I was LMAO at that line too!

[broncogary]

Originally Posted by ColoradoDarin

^bated.

Maybe he had a worm in his mouth.

[Rohirrim]

I have accepted that the Tebow ****storm will never abate. Just something you have to live with, like mosquitos. It's tough being a fan of a team for decades and suddenly almost being forced to pass a religious litmus test in order to continue to "prove" your fandom. My general take on Christianity is covered in Monty Python's Life of Brian.

I'm much more concerned that the Broncos will do another end of season collapse and choke up the playoffs to the Chiefs. That would turn the ****storm into a hurricane. It's too much to hope that all the religious and media bull**** will just blow away. It won't. Tebow will keep preaching, the media will keep reporting it, and various factions will use it for their own ends. In the middle of all of that, some Broncos' fans will just continue to try and be Broncos' fans.

All I want is a playoff spot.

[jhns]

Originally Posted by Rohirrim

I have accepted that the Tebow ****storm will never abate. Just something you have to live with, like mosquitos. It's tough being a fan of a team for decades and suddenly almost being forced to pass a religious litmus test in order to continue to "prove" your fandom. My general take on Christianity is covered in Monty Python's Life of Brian.

I'm much more concerned that the Broncos will do another end of season collapse and choke up the playoffs to the Chiefs. That would turn the ****storm into a hurricane. It's too much to hope that all the religious and media bull**** will just blow away. It won't. Tebow will keep preaching, the media will keep reporting it, and various factions will use it for their own ends. In the middle of all of that, some Broncos' fans will just continue to try and be Broncos' fans.

All I want is a playoff spot.

Wtf is wrong with you? A religious litmus test? You clearly are one of the ones making far too big a deal of this.

[barryr]

Those that do not like Tebow's religion bring it up far more than those that may support it. Most seem interested in football and not what he does after games or in interviews, but not the religion haters who can not get off the subject. They still post threads about it and at the same time, claim tired of talk about his religious beliefs. Makes so much sense.

[mkporter]

Originally Posted by Elway 4 Life

I'm convinced that he's actually right-handed, and he just throws with his gimpy left so that football will continue to be a challenge for him."

rofl

Double ROFL...

[TheReverend]

Originally Posted by ColoradoDarin

^bated.

Haha well done!

[R8R H8R]

Originally Posted by barryr

Those that do not like Tebow's religion bring it up far more than those that may support it. Most seem interested in football and not what he does after games or in interviews, but not the religion haters who can not get off the subject. They still post threads about it and at the same time, claim tired of talk about his religious beliefs. Makes so much sense.

This. And it should tell you something about themselves.

[Rohirrim]