OT Divorce Advice from a Brother

[IndelibleScribe]

Originally Posted by 505bronco

I love a good read..please link

I cannot remember the damn title but it was the one where the female reporter was interviewing the guy in line for powerball or lottery tickets and she asked him what he planned to spend it on if he won.

[505bronco]

Originally Posted by IndelibleScribe

I cannot remember the damn title but it was the one where the female reporter was interviewing the guy in line for powerball or lottery tickets and she asked him what he planned to spend it on if he won.

Am familiar with that.

[BowlenBall]

So, so sorry to hear about this, my brother. PM me if things get dark, you’re not alone.

As others have said, it’s important to be a good person throughout all this.... the happiness and well-being of your children should be the main factor in all of your decisions right now. Even if she’s 100% wrong in some discussions, and you’re 100% right, be prepared to be the better person and concede for the sake of your family’s overall well-being. Stifle the urge to ‘win’ as much as you can, it will only lead to Pyrrhic victories in this situation.

Being the kinder, more loving person will give you the victory, in the long run....

[3xchamp]

Originally Posted by Kaylore

They say the biggest mistakes both sexes make are women think their men will change for them and men think their women never will.

HOLY Sh*t. you summarized the underlying cause of the last 4 months of unexpected DRAMA from my wife.

[delany]

Unbelievable after that many years that she decided your sons 17th birthday was the day to make this break.

Weather the storm brutha. Sunnier days ahead.

[19Morton77]

Originally Posted by Kaylore

Someone: "Hey guys, my Chevy Tahoe broke down and it might cost more to fix than get a new one. Any suggestions?"

The Orange Mane:

"Don't buy a Chevy!"
"I ride a bike!"
"Chevy sucks! I tell everyone I know they're evil and have no place on the road!"
"You should break the headlights on your car and blame a minority for vandalism"

Before Reddit, this was the place to get advice. I truly believe it still is.

[19Morton77]

Originally Posted by TerrElway

Pay for sex. It's cheaper than having a wife.

Sounds like you haven't been divorced and split property up.

[gunns]

Really sorry to hear this, especially if you didn't see it coming. Some good advice here, Get A Lawyer! If she's asking for full custody, unless you are a crap father, she wants the full child support. With joint she doesn't get full. Plus you want to be able to make decisions for your kids too.

Don't know your circumstances, such as if she worked, but fight like hell against alimony. It's ridiculous that a healthy spouse can claim she/he can't work. Most of all be there for your kids and do not talk bad about mom.

Wish you the best of luck but mostly for your boys.

[maven]

Originally Posted by Vegas_Bronco

ready to celebrate our sons 17th birthday to an empty home and wife and 4 boys gone.

Your wife and 4 boys both left with her...

Not good man, not good...

[maven]

Originally Posted by Kaylore

You have a whole life, so throwing it all away is a big risk by her. Unless she already has someone, dating and being single at that age is going to be really rough.

You have this wrong.

Women can easily date no matter the age

[Action]

Originally Posted by Kaylore

They say the biggest mistakes both sexes make are women think their men will change for them and men think their women never will.

That’s a good quote.

Stealing and taking full credit. Thanks.

[gunns]

Originally Posted by 19Morton77

Sounds like you haven't been divorced and split property up.

I think it sounds like he has.

[broncoblue]

horrible thing to happen . Ive been divorced twice,first was straight forward and we were too young and stupid. She wanted a horse more than me or was it 15 hands between the legs .
The second I had a two kids and she had an affair ,I found out because we had the same phones and hers bleeped a text and I thought it was my phone. My experience on it was nasty ,I had a messy court battle , she got custody and she got 70% yup 70% of MY house after we sold it. The legals were a nightmare and both sides played tennis so to speak in that they batted letters(bills ) back and forth.In the uk we have csa which is child support ,she went to court when I worked a months overtime and it ruined me and I am still trying to get straight 12 years later.
On the bright side I vowed never to have a relationship ever again and as someone alluded to earlier if that meant paying then so be it ha. However I met an amazing woman who herself had been in a bad relationship and we are now happily married and wont be making any mistakes this time .Im a step granddad as well now to 8 kids who all love me as a granddad and its a role I love .

advise from uk , try and keep it as unmessy as you can and there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

[BroncoBuff]

When you see your kids, do NOT bad-mouth their mother.

Whenever permissible, make LOW-KEY requests of her to consider meeting (at lawyer's) to try and arrive at a workable agreement rather than spend thousands to arrive at likely the same result.

Lightly push for arbitration or mediation if available where you are, and DON'T listen to ANY of her lawyer's insistence you will lose ... something he WILL tell you until you're represented.

Make certain you understand any and all IRAs, dates they vested, inheritances, etc .... you WILL need a lawyer.

[Mountain Bronco]

Originally Posted by TonyR

Yes and no. Yes, generally getting a lawyer is the way to go. But no because in the unlikely event a couple can work things out reasonably and amicably, it's better to keep lawyers out of it. My ex and I did it, and I know some other people who have done it as well. Although most I divorcees I know used lawyers. I think the most important thing is this: if your spouse gets one, you have to get one.

While this does happen and I have seen it happen, it is the exception to the rule. I have seen more guys get screwed by not getting a lawyer early and trying to work it out than by getting a lawyer. I have seen the women imply they are working it out, while behind the scenes the were working with an attorney and the guys gets behind the 8 ball.

If this happened as OP says she has likely been planning this for a while.

Sorry this happened I can't imagine coming home to that.

[Irish Stout]

Originally Posted by Mountain Bronco

While this does happen and I have seen it happen, it is the exception to the rule. I have seen more guys get screwed by not getting a lawyer early and trying to work it out than by getting a lawyer. I have seen the women imply they are working it out, while behind the scenes the were working with an attorney and the guys gets behind the 8 ball.

If this happened as OP says she has likely been planning this for a while.

Sorry this happened I can't imagine coming home to that.

This.

If your wife leaves in the middle of the night with the kids and no explanation and you haven't been ****ing around, get a lawyer ASAP. That isn't a shot across the bow, that is a full on nuclear launch and you need to be fully armed and ready.

[loborugger]

After 20 years, my wife let me put her thru college so that she could leave me for another guy. Devastating. Never imagined I could cry so much.

Get a good lawyer. Lotsa folks have parroted that, but it bears repeating.

This is a war. Even if you don't think it is, it is. She moved premeditatedly, it's been planned out in advance so she's been sitting there loathing you for a time frame and she is due. And she will go for her pound of flesh. The culture and the laws are stacked against you. Best advice there is just to accept it. I suspect you're gonna find out a whole bunch of things that have been done to undermine you over the previous months and years. It sucks but it is what it is. I had friends that had known me for 30 or so years, and wouldnt talk to me. Or even look me in the eye. I suspect they were told I was a cross between Ike Turner and a pedophile. I've discovered this axiom about society - when you leave your wife, it's cuz you're an a-hole. When you're wife leaves you, it's cuz you're an a-hole.

Get occupied. I started assistant coaching a college team. That left me with Monday evening to think about what was going on. And that was good. Otherwise, it will gnaw you inside.

Don't get into the bottle. When the season ended and I wasnt coaching, I started drinking. Every night. Literally. Don't. Just don't.

Get into faith. Reinvigorating my faith and going to church is probably the reason I am here today. Seriously. Good chance that would have killed me without God.

And I save this for last because it's overlooked but important. Don't start dating. We men tend to salve our wounds like this with another relationship. You probably wont find anyone worthy at this point. Take some time, heal, get to know yourself outside of your relationship, and become more whole. You'll attract a better pool of women when the time comes.

It sucks, but it gets better. Slowly but it does. Each day better than the last.

[loborugger]

More thoughts - this topic got my mind going...

Don't see her or engage her in any way on your own. A witness should be there, and don't make that a kid. They are in the middle and struggling their own way.

And dont talk to her. Dont send email, texts, calls, smoke signals, etc, to her. Nothing. If you need to tell someone she's a ****ing cheating whore ****, then tell your parents. Tell the guys at the bar. Tell your co-workers Tell us. You can PM me. But say nothing to her. Nothing, because nothing good will come of it at this point. It's only raw feelings and emotion.

[Vegas_Bronco]

...thank you all. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate the wise advise and keen suggestions here. This is one of the oddest life processes I have ever experienced so your insight is invaluable.

[Kaylore]

Originally Posted by maven

You have this wrong.

Women can easily date no matter the age

That doesn't mean the men available are awesome.

[broncocalijohn]

Originally Posted by IndelibleScribe

I cannot remember the damn title but it was the one where the female reporter was interviewing the guy in line for powerball or lottery tickets and she asked him what he planned to spend it on if he won.

Here ya go!

[broncosteven]

Originally Posted by loborugger

After 20 years, my wife let me put her thru college so that she could leave me for another guy. Devastating. Never imagined I could cry so much.

Get a good lawyer. Lotsa folks have parroted that, but it bears repeating.

This is a war. Even if you don't think it is, it is. She moved premeditatedly, it's been planned out in advance so she's been sitting there loathing you for a time frame and she is due. And she will go for her pound of flesh. The culture and the laws are stacked against you. Best advice there is just to accept it. I suspect you're gonna find out a whole bunch of things that have been done to undermine you over the previous months and years. It sucks but it is what it is. I had friends that had known me for 30 or so years, and wouldnt talk to me. Or even look me in the eye. I suspect they were told I was a cross between Ike Turner and a pedophile. I've discovered this axiom about society - when you leave your wife, it's cuz you're an a-hole. When you're wife leaves you, it's cuz you're an a-hole.

Get occupied. I started assistant coaching a college team. That left me with Monday evening to think about what was going on. And that was good. Otherwise, it will gnaw you inside.

Don't get into the bottle. When the season ended and I wasnt coaching, I started drinking. Every night. Literally. Don't. Just don't.

Get into faith. Reinvigorating my faith and going to church is probably the reason I am here today. Seriously. Good chance that would have killed me without God.

And I save this for last because it's overlooked but important. Don't start dating. We men tend to salve our wounds like this with another relationship. You probably wont find anyone worthy at this point. Take some time, heal, get to know yourself outside of your relationship, and become more whole. You'll attract a better pool of women when the time comes.

It sucks, but it gets better. Slowly but it does. Each day better than the last.

I have no advice from the Divorce side but I can tell the OP that Volunteering has been great helping me deal with my chronic pain issues.

I would also assume if the OP is volunteering his time in the community it would help in the court room too.

It is as easy as going to a HS boosters meeting, a Library friends group, coaching as advised above, any number of other community groups that are out there.

Volunteering takes your mind off your problems and you feel good helping others. I had to go walk my kids schedule last night at her HS and I had a ton of people stopping me and saying hi. It made me feel good and considering I was dealing with my nerve firing down my leg into my foot every step I took it made me feel better seeing all these friends I have made. Plus I made a new one with my kids Culinary teacher who needed help fundraising. It is easy and if you do it right it is an hour a month for each group you volunteer for. Also since everyone is a volunteer they understand if you can't make a meeting or something.

At the very least go find a group to talk about what you are going through if you don't want to volunteer your time.

[Bronx33]

I have a long time family friend for some reason he thought mail order brides were the answer I knew its wasn't but sadly he got him a gal from Vietnam and the minute she got legal she was gone ( go figure ).

Then sadly he still didn't learn his lesson and got a girl from Russia real pretty girl I might add and a great personality and It seemed things were going good and he bought a new house out in Littleton and she got pregnant.

Well you would think this was good but it wasn't she too got her citizenship and dumped him and now owns his ass for 18 years he loves his kid dearly but he deals with her wanting more money all the time.

Now for the reason I told this story my friend was the most friendly caring person I knew and after this he the most hateful negative person I know I cant stand to be around him anymore and I have told him.

Fact is I know it sucks and the road ahead is going to suck but don't become this it will consume you and dictate your personality like I have witnessed from my friend you absolutely have to keep things in perspective from here out for yourself and your kids it will pay off huge in the end so pay attention to yourself.

[DENVERDUI55]

If it looks like you are going to work this out take the time to get some strange before it's too late.