The "Official Off-Season Joke Thread"

[Sassy]

A mother passing by her daughters room and was astonished to see the
bed nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope
propped up on the pillow. It was addressed "mom." With premonition, she opened
the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing you. I had to
elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and
you.

I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice- even with
all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not
only passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we would be very happy
together. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has enough firewood to last
the entire winter. He wants to have more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
and we will be growing it for us and to trade with his friends for all the
ecstasy and cocaine we want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to
find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 Years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.

Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your Daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report
card that is in my desk drawer.

I LOVE YOU!

Call me when it is safe to come home..

[Rock Chalk]

Hey sassy, edit that in notepad.

Copy and paste it into notepad, press CTRL-H. Put in the "Find" box, > and leave the "Replace" box empty and click "Replace All"

[errand]

A man dies and goes to Heaven...upon arrival he wipes his brow and declares his good fortune.

After a day or two he's talking to God, and he asks God if he could see where he'd have gone had he not indeed changed his ways.

So God tells him he can check it out....but he cannot leave the elevator, for if he does, he'll have to stay.

The man gets on the elevator, and upon hitting the bottom, the door opens up...he peers out, shakes his head and heads back up. When he gets to the top, he asks God - "I thought Hell was suppose to be fire and brimstone?"

God said - "It is...why do you ask?"

Man - "Because when the elevator door opened, all I saw was snow and ice, and very cold winds"

God - "Oh, wow.....the Raiders must have won the Super Bowl"

[errand]

The other day a preacher was addressing his parish....

"I've got some good news and some bad news", he said

"The good news is we have the money to build the new sanctuary we need....."

"The bad news is it's still in your pockets.............."

[errand]

An engineer died and arrived in Hell a few moments later.....and being an engineer, he couldn't leave things alone. He immediately began to improve the living conditions for all the totured souls in Hell. He built escalators, water fountains, and installed central AC.

A few weeks later God called on Satan to see how he liked being down there in Hell...as this was His customary way of poking fun at Satan.

God - "so how's the 'ol hotbed feeling today?"

Satan - "Well, actually it moderately tolerable...."

God - "Really? How's that possible?"

Satan - "Well this engineer, Bob smith, he died and arrived here a few weeks ago....and he's installed a few creature comforts like AC"

God checks his roll book and says - "Oh, no...sorry, but there's been a mistake....Bob Smith is suppose to be up here in Heaven. You need to send him up ASAP"

Satan - "Fuggetaboutit...he ain't going anywhere...."

God - "You need to send him up now, or else"

Satan - "Or else what?"

God - "Or else, I'll sue....."

Satan - 'Yeah, right....like you could find a lawyer up there."

[Sassy]

I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy. Beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

[Mile High Shack]

The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.

Here are this year's winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be
cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a grub in the fruit you're eating.

[Old Dude]

Another "Pearly Gates" story ...

Prospective Angel #1 arrives, and St. Peter asks how he died.

"My alarm clock went off late. I jumped out bed, and grabbed my clothes and ran out the apartment door, and I was hopping through the parking lot towards my car, trying to tug my pants up, when it happened."

What happened?

"A refrigerator fell out of the sky and crushed me."

Whoa. Bad piece of luck there, dude. Go on in. Next!

Prospective Angel #2 walks up.

"I sure hope you all are in a forgiving mood. See, I always had a hard time trusting my wife. And one day I forgot my briefcase and had to go back to our apartment to get it, and I found her in there on the bed in a negligee and looking guilty as ****. So I asked her where "he" was, and she said she didn't know what I was talking about, so I looked under the bed, and then I ran to check out the bathroom, and then I went through the closets, and then the living room, and then to the kitchen, and my blood pressure was just going up and up ... And I looked out the balcony by the kitchen, and I saw this S-O-B running through the parking lot, tugging up his pants.

So I turned around and picked up the refrigerator and threw at the bastard.

And then I had a heart attack and died."

Wow, dude. Bad piece of luck, there. Go ahead, and have a seat. Next ....

Prospective Angel #3 walks up.

Well what's your story.

"Um. It's kind of hard to explain."

Go ahead. Give me your best shot. It's been a long day already.

"Well, see, I was hiding in this refrigerator ..."

[Cleo McDowell]

...


A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?"
The bum says no.
The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum says no.
Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"

[Cleo McDowell]

more maxim jokes lol

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That sonnovab**** owes me 800 bucks!"

[Cleo McDowell]

ok i seem to be flooding this but i cant stop laughing.. heres another courtesy of maxim. last one:

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

[Mtbrncofn]

The Kansas City Chiefs. Ahahaahahahaaha, get it?

[alkemical]

The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such bigshots back there..... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy!

[Arkie]

So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Baghdad. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Iraqi is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXX, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland.

[Tredici]

Some Wal-mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming
up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at
an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-mart
brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in
Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go:

The top 13 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

13. Chateau Traileur Parc

12. White Trashfindel

11. Big Red Gulp

10. Grape Expectations

9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

8. NASCARbernet

7. Chef Boyardeaux

6. Peanut Noir

5. Chateau des Moines

4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

3. World Championship Riesling

2. Sams Shiraz

And the Number One name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat
(Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

[Mtbrncofn]

That was great, Tre!

[bronco militia]

Subject: Irish Humor




A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked
into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy
armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the
bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a
drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk
slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged
it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy
armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a
drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money
down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another
drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I
say, old chap,it's your business if you want to buy
the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her --
the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[REB]

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

"You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried
really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60
next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."



REB

1-2-3-BRONCOS!!!!!!!

[REB]

If you show up at your job interview holding a can of beer...your probably a redneck


If you go to your family reunion to meet women...your probably a redneck


REB

1-2-3-BRONCOS!!!!!!!

[bronco militia]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we
decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini-skirts, and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many
pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did
it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She
whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in
total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car

[REB]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a
house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the
room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife
and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up
and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him
kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex,
just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him
mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing
me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the
Vaseline in the bathroom."


REB

1-2-3-BRONCOS!!!!!!!

[Crush Girl]

In honor of their loyal fans, Arrowhead Stadium is being renamed to


CAMAROHEAD STADIUM

[Crush Girl]

Two old men are talking...

"I had one of those Freudian Slips the other day," one man says.

"What do you mean?" asks the other.

"You know, when you mean to say one thing and you say something else? Like the other day, my wife and I were having breakfast at this restaurant. I asked the waitress for bacon, eggs, and boobies. I meant bacon, eggs, and grits!"

"Oh," says the other, "I had one of those the other day, too! My wife was making me breakfast and I said 'you ruined my life, b****!' But what I meant to say was 'yes, I'll have a banana with my cereal.' "

[Hotrod]

Lol

[REB]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how
to reply, she tells Little Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast
tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his
father the same question. His father, always quick with the
answers, said, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to
heaven."

Johnny thinks that's really neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Little Johnny's dad comes home from work
a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying
hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think
Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Bob is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's
screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming'."


REB

1-2-3-!!!!!!!