|08-04-2004, 01:53 PM||#1|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Twixt Hell & Highwater
GOP Uncovers More Kerry Facts
GOP Questions Kerry's Hamster Heroism
Rodent story 'doesn't add up,' mass e-mail claims
By Andy Borowitz
Updated: 5:58 p.m. ET Aug. 3, 2004Aug. 3 - A mass e-mail from the Republican National Committee is questioning whether or not Democratic nominee John Kerry actually saved his daughter Alexandra's pet hamster, Licorice, from drowning during a family boating trip as she has claimed he did.
The e-mail, with a subject line reading "Kerry Hamster Story --We Smell a Rat," was sent to more than 2,000 news outlets just hours after Alexandra Kerry charmed the Democratic national convention with her tale of the Senator's hamster heroism.
In the e-mail message, the GOP quotes an unnamed witness who claims that not only did Kerry not save the rodent's life, but he may have actually been responsible for its premature demise.
According to the witness, Licorice was "breathing normally" when Kerry pounced on the hamster and administered "unnecessarily forceful CPR" in an over-the-top bid to appear heroic, breaking several of the hamster's ribs and puncturing its left lung.
Speaking at a campaign stop in Flint, Michigan, Kerry defended his daughter's version of events and was joined onstage by several veterans of the boating trip during which Licorice fell overboard, a group Mr. Kerry called his "band of brothers."
But perhaps the most vehement defense came from wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, who told the gathering, "The Licorice story is true, and if you don't believe it, you can shove a live hamster in a secure, undisclosed location."
Later in the rally, Sen. John Edwards retracted his statement about there being two Americas, saying that he had gotten that information from Mapquest.