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Old 04-27-2010, 11:02 AM   #26
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The issues are not solely on her. There were bad things said by my mom to my brother's wife, and my family likes to think themselves up and be elitist. My fiance' comes from a poor upbringing, that barely scraps by and basically, my family thinks she isn't good enough for me. I love her, and hate the attitude of my family. Heck, my brother flat out told me not to put my fiance's daughter in the daycare he uses for his kids, with the hint that it would "corrupt" them.

This is the reason why I posted this, because I wanted thoughts on people who I know would give different opinions based on the ones I've heard already.

She was adopted by the way, and her "mom" was 50 years old when she got her and died when she was 15, and her mom left her with basically everything. Well, she had step-siblings who were twice her age, and hated her. Needless to say, a 15 year old can't get inheritance until 18 I believe, and her siblings took her in, got what they wanted from her, and kicked her to the curb and forced her to drop out. That is what happened.

Also, we have no means of taking a week off, and flying there to spend a week, we simply don't have the money to do so. We would have enough to get there, and get set up with a roommate friend(female) and get to work.
If/when you get married, my advice on the family part is to let them deal with it. Your wife needs to come first and foremost. If they can't handle that, then it is on them. Putting anything before your wife will result in an unhappy, and most likely, failed marriage.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:02 AM   #27
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"She hasn't had a job because she continues to get hired at a place and either not like it"
People don't typically work because it's 'fun' - they work because they have bills to pay. Now you shouldn't stay working somewhere you are miserable - but the whole 'I didn't like it' at multiple places is a red flag. Have your girl get a job and KEEP IT for six months - THEN start making 'us' plans. Moving across country with nothing lined up is asking for disaster (you begging to move into your parent's basement, or the like)

Also - 'she's going to get her GED' is the equivalent of 'she hasn't gotten her GED'. She's certainly had the time, considering her age. A lot of people are 'thinking of going back' or 'really committed to getting a degree' or whatever.

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Old 04-27-2010, 11:03 AM   #28
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:06 AM   #29
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I will say, that my current job is not an Accounting job, it is a Bookkepper job that pays $30,000 a year, which is why I said its okay, but I can do better. I mainly had to get it because of the economy, nobody would hire an inexperienced, recent grad.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:08 AM   #30
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I will say, that my current job is not an Accounting job, it is a Bookkepper job that pays $30,000 a year, which is why I said its okay, but I can do better. I mainly had to get it because of the economy, nobody would hire an inexperienced, recent grad.
Nothing is wrong with that job - fresh out of school, you have to start building your resume. That's normally how it works. The mistake is thinking you can support 3 mouths on that income and start making a life for yourself.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:08 AM   #31
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Do it.

You're young and have little to tie you down. You have an education that will allow you to work anywhere.

You only live once. If she's the most important thing to you... then there is little to lose and everything to gain. Your relationship will either cement from this or shatter from such stresses. Know this now and keep a plan B in your pocket.

She can take community college classes until she's up to speed to transfer to a university.

Don't let fear rule your life. You can do this. Two years from now you'll be looking back at this and wondering why you even thought twice about it.

Good luck my friend.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:09 AM   #32
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I think this is the best advice you could possibly get.

Step 1: Make a clean break now (or just trick her into it by telling her you'll move to SC with her, have her go first while your "2 weeks notice" goes through, and just change your phone number)

Step 2: Have some fun. Texas has an assload of pretty girls and you're only 25. Relax, go out, and play, BUT...

Step 3: Save as much money as humanly possible. Go out, but don't be stupid. Have a girlfriend or three, but don't be stupid. Save as much money as humanly possible.

Step 4: Hit up ak about helping you put together a solid investment portfolio and pour every penny you can manage into it over the next year or two.

Step 5: You're 27, with good memories, and flatout ballin, with the financial freedom and more life experience to decide what and where you want to do with the rest of your life.
Step 3-5 are very good advice. Live below your means and pile up every dollar you can into an investment account. Don't invest it in a retirement account... use it as active capital to find good deals you can buy below market value. That's the true way, IMO, to financial freedom.

Anyways, ditching your fiance solely because of baggage is bad advice unless you don't really care for her. Bailing out on something or someone just because it's hard is the loser's way out. If she's "The One" then help her through her baggage and make it work. If not, then yes follow the above advice.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:13 AM   #33
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I get the sense that you're looking more for affirmation than real advice. That's okay - we all do that. But I'll tell you what - even though a guy like Rev doesn't get much right, I think there's some truth to what he says.

I will counsel my son when he's ready to get married (he's 12, so it will hopefully be awhile). I'll counsel him on a lot of things - all of which I've learned through experience. If he was in your situation, I would gently try and steer him in a different direction. Marriage (or a long-term relationship) is hard under the best of circumstances. It's completely worthwhile, IMO - but it's a lot of work. The obstacles you've described create an environment that will make it even more difficult - I would argue it's close to impossible.

I realize you're not talking about marriage, necessarily. But the thought process is a lot the same, in your situation.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:17 AM   #34
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Step 3-5 are very good advice. Live below your means and pile up every dollar you can into an investment account. Don't invest it in a retirement account... use it as active capital to find good deals you can buy below market value. That's the true way, IMO, to financial freedom.

Anyways, ditching your fiance solely because of baggage is bad advice unless you don't really care for her. Bailing out on something or someone just because it's hard is the loser's way out. If she's "The One" then help her through her baggage and make it work. If not, then yes follow the above advice.
I don't believe there is any such thing as "The One." I think there's a fairly large percentage of people with whom you can make it work, assuming both people are willing to put their full effort into it. But I digress.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:21 AM   #35
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And when I was in the military, I saw a lot of people jump into marriages. Nothing makes you more dedicated to that other person than having absolutely noone else to turn to. It often times is deceiving and a mistake but they'll become your world as you have nothing else as an outlet to gauge. If your intent isn't already marriage, DEFINITELY run the other way.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:24 AM   #36
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The Rev has a brash of of writing things but a lot of them are spot on.

You really need to evaluate your future with her. Are you settling for her or is she someone you can see yourself with 50 years down the road? If you don't know, your answer is already made.

The only issue I have is you are moving to an area that isolates you from your family (no matter how bad they are right now). Do you live together? if so, I would suggest you spend a little free time soul searching.

If you do move to SC (it's fun for about a week) then do not marry, promise to marry her, hint that you will marry her. Explain this is a trail process and you reserve the right (as she does) to walk away at any time.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:25 AM   #37
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Don't let these guys scare you. Trust your heart.

What do you have to lose? Your business...ummm no. Your house...umm no. If you're ever going to take a leap of faith, nows the time. It won't always be this easy to try something like this. Sooner than you think life will tie you down.

So what if you have to crawl home to the parents and start over. At least you would have tried. Is this your 'dream job'...doubtful.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:29 AM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by McFoneco1331 View Post
The issues are not solely on her. There were bad things said by my mom to my brother's wife, and my family likes to think themselves up and be elitist. My fiance' comes from a poor upbringing, that barely scraps by and basically, my family thinks she isn't good enough for me. I love her, and hate the attitude of my family. Heck, my brother flat out told me not to put my fiance's daughter in the daycare he uses for his kids, with the hint that it would "corrupt" them.

This is the reason why I posted this, because I wanted thoughts on people who I know would give different opinions based on the ones I've heard already.

She was adopted by the way, and her "mom" was 50 years old when she got her and died when she was 15, and her mom left her with basically everything. Well, she had step-siblings who were twice her age, and hated her. Needless to say, a 15 year old can't get inheritance until 18 I believe, and her siblings took her in, got what they wanted from her, and kicked her to the curb and forced her to drop out. That is what happened.

Also, we have no means of taking a week off, and flying there to spend a week, we simply don't have the money to do so. We would have enough to get there, and get set up with a roommate friend(female) and get to work.
Something to think about but hasn't been mentioned yet is the situation the four year old will be put in. Is he/she in school? If so you really shouldn't move with only about a month or so of pre-school left. Also I would never move without having enough money in the bank to support a couple months of rent in case things happen. You should follow your heart but also be prepared financially. You are both young so I would take the risks now. I also like the advice about investigating communities to live in and also jobs before you leave. That stuff is very important. Also it concerns me that your gf can't hold down a job in Texas. If serving is the option she should be able to do that anywhere. I think some of the best economies right now are in Wyoming, North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota, Montana. The downside is you won't see much sand up here.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:32 AM   #39
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I think this is the best advice you could possibly get.

Step 1: Make a clean break now (or just trick her into it by telling her you'll move to SC with her, have her go first while your "2 weeks notice" goes through, and just change your phone number)

Step 2: Have some fun. Texas has an assload of pretty girls and you're only 25. Relax, go out, and play, BUT...

Step 3: Save as much money as humanly possible. Go out, but don't be stupid. Have a girlfriend or three, but don't be stupid. Save as much money as humanly possible.

Step 4: Hit up ak about helping you put together a solid investment portfolio and pour every penny you can manage into it over the next year or two.

Step 5: You're 27, with good memories, and flatout ballin, with the financial freedom and more life experience to decide what and where you want to do with the rest of your life.
This!

And what Dom said.

Mend things up with your family, when you get in a pinch you will need your family, you are young yet. Save you dough and enjoy your life.

If you ever need to make a decision and you think it could be the wrong one, then it is make the right one no matter how painfull and move on.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:38 AM   #40
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Imagine different scenarios when you get to the one than makes your heart sing choose that one and don't look back. Do that all your life and you will be a free man.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:39 AM   #41
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Who gives a **** what internet peeps think, do what you want.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:39 AM   #42
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I agree with what many others have said so far. Being the educated, stable, breadwinner in this relationship, you owe it to everyone involved (you, the girl and her kid) to find a job out there first before making the move. This economy may seem like it's getting better, but the job market is still very sluggish and only improving in certain areas. Your resume will be in competition with hundreds, if not thousands, of desperate job seekers. It's very hard to stand out. Therefore, you will be a number to any company looking to hire.

Waitress jobs are a dime a dozen and do not serve as any stabilizing factor in the household. And while you are 25 years old, I have seen many job-seeking people get caught in a vicious cycle of career instability because they take a job just to draw a paycheck, then they jump instantly for something they perceive to be better, only to get laid off due to downsizing, then start the whole process over again.

Don't do this on a whim. Being smart about this move doesn't mean you love her any less....it just proves you have learned some things about life over the years and you are a man who strategically seeks out the best option for the people he supports.

BTW, for credibility's sake, I am a corporate recruiter (11 years of experience) who works on a nationwide basis. I constantly study market trends and assist people make life-changing decisions involving their careers, their families, their homes and their future.

Trust me...take it slow. Seek solid, objective advice. Investigate. Ask questions. Talk to realtors in the area about the real estate and economic climate. You may love this gal and her daughter, but you may end up resenting her if things don't work out the way she portrayed.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:40 AM   #43
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OP,

You're young... so you can probably afford a mistake or two at this age. But, with the evidence at hand, I can just guarantee you that you're in for a very hectic and bumpy ride. No offense to your fiance', but people don't arrive where she is without significant issues. Can they be resolved? Sure. What's the likelihood of them being resolved? In my experience, highly unlikely. So, you need to ask yourself if you're prepared for a life full of issues. At 25, it might sound like something you can handle. But, trust me... that will change.

Move and work wherever you want. You're 25. Try to put some money away. Just trust all of us "older" guys on that one. (I'm 41, so I'm not THAT far removed from your situation.)

Just DON'T get married and god forbid, don't have any kids.

Wait until you're 30. If she's got her life together at that point, you can safely assume it's worth the risk. Otherwise, why rush? No one should be married before 30, imo.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:41 AM   #44
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Families can be tough to be around when starting out as an adult. Sometimes it's good to put some distance for awhile until you get your life really started. You'll gain a measure of respect and proper boundries from your family that otherwise may not be possible.

Concerning the 4 year old. (speaking as a homeschool parent) The first 3-4 years of school isn't exactly rocket science, so moving isn't going to ruin her chances in getting into Harvard. But please always keep this in mind... The little one should always be THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY in all decisions. Make sure you have some kind of nest egg to deal with this situation.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:43 AM   #45
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I would move in a heart beat, you have nothing that is tying you to where you are except family and trust me on this one, they will love you regardless. I am on my 3rd country of residence right now because if you don't do it now it is certain that you won't do it later. It is always easier to move out and try and then move back if you don't like it, than to stay and get tied down and then try to move out later.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:43 AM   #46
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OP,

You're young... so you can probably afford a mistake or two at this age. But, with the evidence at hand, I can just guarantee you that you're in for a very hectic and bumpy ride. No offense to your fiance', but people don't arrive where she is without significant issues. Can they be resolved? Sure. What's the likelihood of them being resolved? In my experience, highly unlikely. So, you need to ask yourself if you're prepared for a life full of issues. At 25, it might sound like something you can handle. But, trust me... that will change.

Move and work wherever you want. You're 25. Try to put some money away. Just trust all of us "older" guys on that one. (I'm 41, so I'm not THAT far removed from your situation.)

Just DON'T get married and god forbid, don't have any kids.

Wait until you're 30. If she's got her life together at that point, you can safely assume it's worth the risk. Otherwise, why rush? No one should be married before 30, imo.
Like Jimmy Dugan said, "that's good advice!"
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:43 AM   #47
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Others may differ, but I generally can't think of a more worthless group than family. Seriously. If they are supportive then awesome, if not... ****'em. Start your own clan.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:45 AM   #48
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I've moved several times. The last four or five times while married. If your relationship isn't strong now it won't be after. Moving is an incredibly stressful event. New friends, new job, new environment, etc. I am fortunate that I have a strong relationship b/c it was put to the test each time. Some times it takes a few months to adjust, some times it takes a year or two. But if your relationship is strong enough, you will adjust and you'll be better off than before.

Personally, I wouldn't move without a job again. I did it when I left the Air Force in 1999. I thought it would be super easy to go out and get a job and fortunately I found a good job, and just in time. From that point forward though I've never done it again and probably would never put myself back in that situation. Do yourself a favor and start lining something up now.

Final thought. You know your girlfriend more than anyone here. You obviously have 2nd thoughts on this or you wouldn't be asking. If you're willing to take a blind leap wouldn't it make sense to do it anywhere? Perhaps you and your g/f should consider going somewhere that puts you on equal ground. Somewhere that when you get upset or she gets upset, its not so easy to run to an old friend and gain comfort... something she will be able to do, but you will not. There are plenty of inexpensive places to move that are a lot more convenient than going all the way to South Carolina... and a beach/party town at that. Personally, I don't think I'd put myself in that situation... even though that is the exact position I put my wife in when I got out of the Air Force. I then spent the next several years looking like hell to get out of the town I grew up in b/c it wasn't worth put her through the discomfort. It's worth moving and taking that next step in your life and relationship, just be smart about where that step is going.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:45 AM   #49
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I say go for it, man.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:47 AM   #50
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she had a terrible childhood that caused her to have to drop out of high school, but is set on getting a GED to get into college. She is 22, and I am 25 with a Bachelor's in Accounting from University of Oklahoma. I have an okay job for a private company here, but could definitely get a better one with the economy picking up. She hasn't had a job because she continues to get hired at a place and either not like it, or the pay/hours are **** and no use working it for getting the price back to cover the gas.
Also, she has a 4 year old daughter, so makes it tougher.
This says it all for me. Maybe she had a terrible childhood, but now she has a 4 year old daughter. Time to take responsibility. And how convenient that she can just up and quit a job because she doesn't like it or it doesn't pay squat. Anything is better than nothing. With those circumstances I find it highly suspicious that in Myrtle Beach she can find a job and find you one too. I think she's using you. She may care about you, but I think she also cares about the lifestyle you've afforded her.

I wouldn't go, but if you do, find the job first.
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