[John Fox walks into a local Denver car dealership]
JOHN FOX: I would like to buy a car.
SALESMAN: Great! What kind of price range are we looking at here?
JOHN FOX: I make $3.5 million dollars per year.
SALESMAN: [with dollar signs in his eyes] Well, Hello Dolly. That’s a nice chunk of change. Luckily we have a few great options for an upscale individual like yourself.
JOHN FOX: Perfect. All I ask is that it’s safe.
SALESMAN: Can do. First up we have the latest in our SUV line. This puppy’s got it all. Power seats, power doors, an engine strong enough to pull up the Titanic, and, on the inside, the luxury and comfort of a limousi-
JOHN FOX: I heard SUV’s roll over a lot.
SALESMAN: Well, that’s less of an issue than it used to be. I mean, you don’t want to take any corners like Tony Stewart or anything, but under normal conditions this is perfectly saf-
JOHN FOX: Pass. Next.
SALESMAN: O…Okay. Next up — and you are gonna LOVE this, I assure you — we have our top-of-the-line luxury sedan. Four doors, plenty of leg-room, strong, durable body. Perfect for a man on the go who wants to look stylish and sensible, but also let everyone know he’s made it.
JOHN FOX: Is it bomb-proof?
JOHN FOX: What if someone throws a bomb at me like in one of those video games Demaryius is always playing?
SALESMAN: Well, I … why would someone throw a bomb at you?
JOHN FOX: Not important. What would happen?
SALESMAN: Well, no car can withstand a bomb blast without serious after-market modificat-
JOHN FOX: Pass. Next.
SALESMAN: Okay. Okayokayokay. I know this is a long shot, but just hear me out here: A classic summer day, the wind blowing through your hair, the warmth of the sun hitting your skin, the-
JOHN FOX: A convertible?
SALESMAN: Yes. Lots of middle-aged gentlemen love them for the freedom the prov-
JOHN FOX: Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll be decapitated in five minutes in one of those things. What’s that over there?
SALESMAN: Over where?
JOHN FOX: There. In that office. The big rectangle thing.
SALESMAN: The safe?
JOHN FOX: A safe? Sounds safe. I’ll take it.
SALESMAN: But … it’s not for sale. And I don’t even think you’ll fit in it. And it’s not a car. It doesn’t even have wheels.
JOHN FOX: Wheels? Now hang on one second, Evel Knievel. I never said nothing about no wheels. I said safe.
SALESMAN: But how will you go anywhere?
JOHN FOX: Going places is how people get hurt. Hell, I’m not even here now. This is a hologram. I’m hidden in my underground bunker 50 feet below Mile High Stadium. I never leave the premises. Now ship me that safecar in 1000 feet of bubble wrap and send me the bill.
SALESMAN: I can’t do that, sir. I’ll have to check with my manag-
JOHN FOX: Fantastic! Pleasure doing business with you.
[The John Fox Hologram leaves the car dealership. In his bunker, the real John Fox calls John Elway]
JOHN FOX: John, I bought a car.
JOHN ELWAY: Great! What did you get?
JOHN FOX: I dunno, some giant metal box with no wheels or engine. Seems sturdy, though.
JOHN ELWAY: Smart.
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