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Old 12-12-2012, 11:16 AM   #51
bronco militia
OMG...this is horrible!
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: colorado springs, co
Posts: 25,382

A little Christmas story to put you in the Holiday mood.

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember
that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine
and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time
you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you
can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming
from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you
that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of
services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your
right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever
since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to
take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not
only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially
help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry
bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you
just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be
waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you
when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You
know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired,
Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I
described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the
carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm
still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're a** and then walk it
dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

That's what I thought you little bastard.
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