David Bowens, he'd be an upgrade
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Folsom Prison
1. As part of the NFL’s lame attempts to curry fan favor, after a season culminating in a near catastrophic Superbowl featuring a favored team captained by a three-time rapist, with a felonious dog torturer/killer nearly making it as well, topped off by a half-time performance that was not only conceived by someone with cocaine delirium but also made Janet Jackson’s leathery saggy tit look good, and with the next season held hostage by billionaires determined to bust a union that’s membership had gone from broken down jocks working warehouse jobs in offseasons to entitled millionaires, Roger Goodall convinced Tim Tebow to reunite with Josh McDaniels and lead a Toys for Tots campaign to Baghdad.
Somewhere, over the desert, things go terribly wrong ....
[Inside a C-130, at the rear of the cargo bay, Tim and Josh sit in two jumpseats surrounded by mountains of toys.]
“Former Coach, I’ve been meaning to ask why to all those Barbie Dolls only have one arm?”
“Tim, Dan Snyder contributed the toys. You see, Mattel had an assembly line failure when the part that stuck on the left arms broke, and nobody noticed until the line shoved out a gazzillion Barbies, and Dan bought the whole load of crap for a couple of hundred bucks..”
“He was gonna have some child labor in Haiti sew little Redskin Cheerleader unis, stick them on the dolls, and make the chump season ticket holders buy one each for twenty bucks.”
“Yeah, well first he was gonna move the team down there, and sell package deals to the chumps so they’d fly down for the games and get two days with child sex workers, you choose the sex, or get one of each for a few extra bucks, but Goodall nixed that saying ‘the God Damn anti-football Jesus wannabees would cry like THEY were the ones getting ass-raped.’ Still, you gotta give Snyder credit, he bought all those dolls for a song, but he’s claiming millions in tax deductions for letting the Iraqis have em. He said, ‘paying taxes is for chumps who buy tickets, not for smart guys like team owners.’ I respect that.”
“But surely we can give those poor children decent toys.”
“Tim, Tim, Tim, look, thousands of those kids have odd numbers of limbs themselves, they won’t think twice about one-armed dolls.”
Tim stares open-mouthed.
“Mind the toys, Tim, I gotta find me a men’s room on this thing. Christ, you’d think they’d at least give us real stews on this cheap-ass gig. I’m not some ****ing redneck doing an Eye-rack tour cause my dad couldn’t afford to send me to college.” Josh unbuckles his seat belt and heads up-cabin.
Tim closes his eyes in prayer. “Oh Lord, please save him, and please show me the way to make these Barbies right for the little children.”
Meanwhile up-cabin, Josh searches for a toilet “Where the hell do they put the piss-hole on these damn things? Dumb ass soldiers probably don’t know any better than to piss in bottles. Hey, here’s a door. Hmm, thing’s locked. Wonder if this little green button opens something......” An electric humm echos through the cargo bay, and the entire back of the cargo bay floor descends to reveal a blue sky.
“Well, ****! Stupid ****ing airplane!!” [Josh beats the green button with a fist.]
[Meanwhile, the praying Tebow and all the toys slide down the chute, out the cargo bay, and into the sky.]
“****, ****, ****. I lost ANOTHER quarterback. Look a red button.” [Mashes it, and the bay door closes.] “****! ... No wait, don’t panic, you’re a genius cause you worked for Bill Bellichek, maybe nobody will notice they’re missing. . . . It’s possible. . . . . No, no, it’s not possible. And, they’ll blame ME, just like they always do, and it’s not FAIR . ... lazy bastard ****s.” Josh beats his fist futilely against the door.
Suddenly the door opens, and a Air Force pilot asks, “May I help you, Sir?”
“You stupid ****ing incompetent idiots just lost Tim Tebow and the toys!!!”