Some of the best lines from Homer Simpson.
Line-O-Rama: Homer Simpson
Springfield's favorite father and nuclear safety technician has more quality lines than we can count.
by Jesse Schedeen
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January 7, 2010 - Several Simpsons characters have graced our Line-O-Rama feature in recent months, but never the man who defines the long-running animated series like no other. It's high time we focused on the one and only Homer Simpson in this feature, as perhaps no pop culture character has given us more memorable and hilarious lines over the years.
But we're not doing this Line-O-Rama small. Given the fact that The Simpsons is now in its 21st season, there's simply too much material for one Line-O-Rama. In this feature, we focus on the first 10 seasons. Many of these lines hail from Season 5, but that's only because any self-respecting Simpsons fan knows Season 5 was one of the show's absolute greatest. Expect a follow-up in the coming weeks that covers everything after Season 10.
Playing the Blame Game
Line: "It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen. "
Episode: "Colonel Homer" (Season 3)
Leave it to Homer to always find a way to cover his bases. When Marge caught him the act of trying to help another woman further her career as a country singer, Homer needed an excuse for lying. In his kooky little brain, it's as much Marge's fault for enabling his lie as it was his for telling it. This is only one example in Homer's long history of deflecting his much-deserved blame onto those around him. But to his credit, it's a clever excuse. We'd consider trying it on our significant others some time, but not everyone is as tolerant of nonsensical logic as Marge.
Following Nature's Example
Line: "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
Episode: "Boy-Scoutz 'N The Hood" (Season 5)
At some point in every young man's life, he goes on an incredible all-night bender that leaves him disoriented and confused the next morning. If he's unlucky, he might wake to discover he did something monumentally stupid in the night, like getting his face tattooed or marrying a random stranger. Bart's first all-night bender happened earlier than most, and the consequences were even more dire. He signed up for the Junior Campers, Springfield's answer to the Boy Scouts.
When Bart tried to shirk his new responsibilities, his parents were of opposing viewpoints. Homer is certainly no stranger to drunken stupidity. Moreover, he knows that a boy needs to learn some useful skills from his father, and the most useful skill of all is weaseling out of responsibility.
Homer: The Knight Errant
Line: "The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!"
Episode: "$pringfield" (Season 5)
Gambling addiction is a serious problem, but only Homer seems to realize just how serious. With Mr. Burns' casino sweeping up the town in a fit of bright lights and easy money, Homer is the only one who can see the neon-clawed demon perched on Marge's shoulder. Leave it to Homer to tackle addiction in the same way knights of yore would battle dragons and evil wizards. In the end, Homer was successful, even if he was forced to rely less on brute force and more on pitiful begging.
The Secret to Professional Success
Line: "I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: 'Cover for me.' Number 2: 'Oh, good idea, Boss!' Number 3: 'It was like that when I got here.'"
Episode: "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish" (Season 2)
How can you fault Homer's parenting skills when he devotes so much time and energy to schooling his children in the ways of the world? In this episode, Homer believes he has mere hours left to live before the poisoned meat of a blowfish will claim his life. With no time to lose, he imparts a few words of wisdom to Bart. We think Homer's three sentences are very useful. How are you supposed to make it through life without the always suitable "It was like that when I got here"? Luckily, Homer survived his blowfish ordeal, and he continues to impart all sorts of pseudo-advice to younger generations.
Genius in Action
Line: " [sing-songy] I am so smart, I am so smart . . . S-M-R-T . . . d'oooh . . . I mean . . . S-M-A-R-T!"
Episode: "Homer Goes to College" (Season 5)
In one of the all-time classic images in Simpsons history, Homer is seen dancing happily as his house burns down around him. His excitement is understandable, at least. After so many years of coasting through life with a high school diploma, he's finally going to college. But couldn't he at least have taken the diploma down before lighting it on fire? Between the catastrophic property damage and his inability to spell "smart," it became apparent right away just why Homer never made it to college. Heck, we grow more surprised with every season that he even managed to finish high school.
Can't Buy Him Love
Line: "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
Episode: "Bart Gets an Elephant" (Season 5)
Homer has gotten progressively stupider over time, as "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular" pointed out. He was already pretty darn dumb by Season 5 if he thought having $10,000 made one a millionaire. But maybe you can blame that on the stress of seeing Bart come home with a full-grown elephant. But Homer was right about $10,000 buying love. We suspect that was right about the going rate for a mail-order bride in 1994.
Caring for the Elderly
Line: "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
Episode: "Lady Bouvier's Lover" (Season 5)
Homer doesn't much care for old people and their needs. It's easy enough for him to be dismissive when he's been capped at age 36 since 1989. But what about poor Grampa Simpson? But Homer, ever the pragmatist, only sees the elderly in terms of how they might benefit him as a (somewhat) healthy, (sort of) virile American male. We can understand his problem with Grampa's choice of lover, at least Homer's father dating Marge's mother is a little too close to that Luke & Leia match-up for our liking. The family might as well pack up and move to Cletus' neck of the woods.
A Lesson in Economics
Line: Homer: Awww, $20! But I wanted a peanut!
Internal Homer: $20 can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Internal Homer: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Episode: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood" (Season 5)
As stupid as Homer can be, there is a tiny, intelligent Homer living beneath the surface. It's usually this Homer that's the first to abandon ship in times of crisis, but occasionally the two Homers pull off great feats of teamwork. Case in point – the time Homer taught himself how money works. It's good that Homer has someone to each him how paper money can be exchanged for goods and services,even if that someone is just a figment of his imagination. Now if only he had someone to teach him how to spell "smart."
That's Not Exactly How It Works
Line: "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal."
Episode: "And Maggie Makes Three" (Season 6)
Homer clearly doesn't understand how prayer works. In this flashback episode, everything was going swimmingly for the Simpson family patriarch. He had just landed a coveted job at the local bowling alley. His two children were providing just the right touch to his family life. Everything seemed perfect.
But somewhere along the way, everything went wrong. Perhaps it was when Homer thanked his Lord for the work of other gods. Or maybe it was when he assumed silence meant acquiescence. That rarely works. Whatever the case, Maggie soon came along and screwed everything up for poor Homer. Beneath that pacifier and blue onesie lies a stone cold, Burns-shooting murderer.
Captain What's-His-Name Would Be Disappointed
Line: "Stealing!!! How could you! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons in church?! Captain what's his name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies?! For fun?! Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. (Homer then does various sound effects, then does his girlish laugh.) Where was I, oh yeah, stay outta my booze!"
Episode: "Marge Be Not Proud" (Season 7)
We expect it would have been nice to have a father like Homer during those moments of childhood wrongdoing. As we see here, Homer is really his own worst enemy when it comes to punishing Bart. After stealing a copy of Bonestorm from the Try & Save, Bart was in the same sort deep, deep trouble that inspired his hit record.
But Homer's short attention span negated the possibility of any real punishment. In this long rambling speech, we learn that Homer doesn't pay attention in church (or even understand why he goes there in the first place). He also apparently takes the Police Academy franchise way too seriously. By the time this long-winded speech is over, Homer can't even remember what he was yelling about in the first place. This is one of those cases where Bart is lucky to have another parent with a firm head on her shoulders.