Around the League
In Oakland, Bill Romonowski was rushed to hospital with a closed head brain injury. Miraculously, he was still able to give an ESPN interview, "Well, Taarrrrrey, Barrett and I were in Tijuana, and I went back to our hotel room for some Julie's magic vitamin stew, but Barrett said he wouldn't touch the stuff, so he wandered off to find that white mescal stuff that comes in bottles without labels and a worm bigger than Brian Griese's spine, and anyway I'm sitting there alone in the hotel room and I get this really strong urge to just bust someone's head through that really cheap ass furniture they put in hotels, that furniture bugs me just like your name bugs me, Taarrrrrey, I don't know why, but it does, and the next thing I know I'm waking up here at the hospital. I think they're gonna put a shunt in ... Let me feel your head Trey .....
In El Paso, Mike "right" Price accepted the UTEP job. "I wish I could relive that one and a half hours, in fact I intend to, repeatedly, because between Fort Dix and Nogales there are more titty bars down here than anyplace on earth. Thank you God."
In Kansas City, thousands of small children received nothing but coal lumps for Christmas. "Gol darn it," Dick Vermiel cried, "that's unfair, punish me, punish Robinson ... oh hell yah, run him over with Rudolph dasher dancer prancer vixen comet cupid donner and blitzen ... but don't punish the little children."
In New York, Joe "legs" Namath apologized for twice asking Suzie Kolber to kiss him. "I'm 55 years old and have no knees or elbow joints, drunk on my ass, and I CAN STILL GET IT UP, but my bad, I mean I thought her lips were her .... ah nevermind."
In San Francisco, Terrell "ain't no I-N-T" Owens broke a collar bone, giving SF fans some holiday joy.
In Miami, Terrell "TB" Buckley modeled his new line of canine sanitary napkins for b*tches in heat.
In Denver, Shanny's dog got a new life with Q.
In New Orleans, buddy D proposed playing van halens "Finish What Ya" Started before all extra points, and Bobby Sue Thibadeaux announced he was so disgusted with John 'just push it right, baby' Carney that he "was turning hetero and selling the 'bon homme enorme boutique' to return to shrimping, because becoming a loveless bankrupt alcoholic boat captain will be less heartbreaking."
In San Diego the late Joan Kroc's estate asked Shotty if he could trade for Rob Johnson, because the hospital charity needed a new Ronald McDonald.
In Detroit, Matt "southpark" Millen continued attempting to explain, "NO I DON'T CARE that Morton is gay. The isn't the point. Even if he wasn't gay, he'd be a ******. .... Hey, where you guys going? Come on. Whattadid I say? Tell me!"