Pat: Hi, welcome to Dove Valley! You must be the new defensive coordinator.
Scapegoat: Thank you Mr. Bowlen. Nice place!
Pat:Yes it is, we certainly take pride in every facet of the organization. Over there is our state of the art weight room, there is the coaches lounge, this is where the cheerleaders rehearse (nudge)...and these...these are my pride and joy! The Super Bowl trophies.
Scapegoat: Very nice. They are exactly like the one I helped ______ win in 200_. And you maintain them so well.....
Pat: Ah! Don't touch! This one's for John! Now step into my office.
Scapegoat: Yes sir.
Pat: Now here is the contract and terms of your employment. Feel free to read it over.
Scapegoat: Um...that's a hefty sized contract. May I ask just how many pag-
Pat: One thousand seven hundred and ninety-three. Please initial each page as you read it.
Scapegoat: Oh, I see.
Scapegoat: No thank you.
Six hours and 27 minutes later........
Pat:....and that's why I wore the thing. It really is quite warm...and was considered very stylish in many parts of Canada in those days. You realize just how cold Cleveland can be in January?
Scapegoat: No sir. Never had the opportunity. Most of my January's were spent in NFC cities. I have finished reading this and everything looks in place. Do I sign here?
Pat: Yes please. Thank you and welcome aboard! We're looking forward to seeing you whip this defense into shape!
Scapegoat: I do to Mr. Bowlen! We've got a couple good players around which to build it. I'll be here first thing in the morning to get to work!
Pat: Did you see the part about you being the assistant head coach? You get to tell your kids that you're a head coach! On paper anyway. That was Mike's idea. Really makes his subordinates feel like they're equals!
Scapegoat: Um...yes, that's a nice touch! Now if you'll excuse me, my wife and I-
Pat: Whoa, we're not done yet. You haven't looked over this other contract.
Scapegoat: Other contract?
Pat: Yes, these are the terms and conditions of your severance.
Pat: Yes, Mike and I talked and we felt it would just be best if the defensive coordinators signed both contracts at the same time. Streamline things, heh?
Pat: Just a formality really....until the end of the season that is. Mike and I felt it would be best if all the new defensive coordinators new why they were being fired before they get hired. Really smooths things out.
Scapegoat: I'm still not following-
Pat: You do realize that at the end of the season you will be culpable for all defensive woes. It was on pages 897 through 942.
Scapegoat: That sounds fair enough but....
Pat: As well as being responsible for any offensive and special teams miscommunications.....
Scapegoat: Now that doesn't sound....
Pat:....poor drafting, player suspensions, home losses, players missing meetings......
Scapegoat: Now wait just a minute!
Pat:....injuries, penalties, poor clock management, failed challenges.....
Scapegoat: This is ridiculous!
Pat:....field conditions, lame end zone celebrations, the weather....
Scapegoat: I don't think this is-
Pat:...teen riots on Larrimer St., Randy Cross and the East Coast Bias that makes everyone of our fans feel inferior!
Scapegoat: Mr. Bowlen, I must say this is very odd.
Pat: Now when you've read it over, just sign here. Note thatyou can call me anytime if you need anything. At night you can find me at Mike's house. I sleep curled up at the foot of his bed.
Last edited by Broncomutt; 11-27-2007 at 10:44 AM..