Tina Fey: Now it's time for an old favorite here at "Weekend Update" - "Point/Counterpoint". Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and Boston Red Sox fan Seth Meyers. Tonight's topic on "Point/Counterpoint": "Derek Jeter Sucks" - "No, I Don't". Derek, why don't we start with you.
Derek Jeter: Thanks, Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that's great. The fan really are what keep Major League baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team.
Tina Fey: Seth, Counterpoint?
Seth Meyers: You suck!
Tina Fey: Seth, you still have, like, thirty seconds.
Seth Meyers: I'll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.
Tina Fey: Derek? Response?
Derek Jeter: Well, I’ve heard this argument before, Seth. In fact, Red Sox fans have been nice enough to share this argument with me every time I play in Boston. Or walk in Boston. Or go on a date in a fancy restaurant in Boston. Also, sometimes they drive to Baltimore, when we play the Orioles, to tell me I suck. [ Seth starts chanting "Der-ek!" in Derek's ear ] But if you look at my numbers, you'll find that I'm a very productive shortshop. Seth, what are you doing? You've been following me around all week screaming at me.
Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, Derek.. really.. I really am. It's just you and people like you ruined my entire childhood. So I swore if I ever got within six feet of a real Yankee, I'd kick his ass. But then I saw you.. and I knew that that could not happen. But, thankfully, this can happen - You suck!
Derek Jeter: Seth, I don't suck. I've won four World Series rings in six years.
Seth Meyers: Valid point. But if there was a World Series of sucking, you'd have, like, a hundred rings!
Derek Jeter: What?! Alright, look.. Nomar Garciaparr's a great player. Is it okay to say he sucks?
Seth Meyers: [ aghast ] What.. did you say..?
Derek Jeter: I don't think he sucks, I'm trying to prove a point!
Seth Meyers: [ crying ] Well, why would you say that..? You said that Nomar.. he has a broken wrist.. and he's so nice.. and he's like my best friend..!
Derek Jeter: Seth, Seth.. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
Seth Meyers: Will you come play for Boston?
Derek Jeter: No. No.
Seth Meyers: Then, sign my hat?
Derek Jeter: Sure, man, no problem.
Seth Meyers: Will you sign it as Nomar?
Derek Jeter: Whatever.. whatever.. [ signs the hat ]
Seth Meyers: Thanks, Derek. You know, you don't suck.
Derek Jeter: Thanks, Seth. You do suck, a little.
Seth Meyers: I know.. I know..
Tina Fey: This has been "Point/Counterpoint".