Keep Calm and Chive on
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Nakatomi Plaza
funny sean avery skit for you haters
Sean Avery Gets Some Much Needed Help
The phone rings at the home of LA Kings player Sean Avery
Rosenhaus: Sean Avery?
Rosenhaus: Drew Rosenhaus here, you’ve probably heard of me, I was in Jerry McGuire. I intend to be your new agent.
Avery: Huh? New agent? Look buddy, I've got an agent, is this some kind of prank call?
Rosenhaus: No Mr. Avery, you don't have an agent. You've got some jerk sucking your blood and leaving you naked in the middle of the freeway. You need somebody me, somebody who'll be 100% behind you no matter what kinda crap you get into. You'll be dumping that bum when we finish this call. You need me and I need 5 minutes to make you understand this.
Avery: Hey... I know you. You’re the guy who handles Terrell Owens? I hear he’s never gonna play another football game. He’s been suspended right?
Rosenhaus: Next question!
Avery: Uh, why are you callin’ me?
Rosenhaus: Ok. Now listen carefully; I’ll speak slowly.
Rosenhaus: You were forced to apologize for something you said about French Canadians, right?
Avery: Uh, ya…
Rosenhaus: WRONG! That was a mistake, a big mistake. Look, here's the deal. The way I see it you were defending a helpless teammate, right? Come on! Roenick’s been hit in the head, like, 20 times! He can’t defend himself; he’s got whaddayacallit, “diminished capacity” for frick’s sake. He needs you to speak for him! You know the code, you gotta stick up for the guy, he's helpless.
Avery: Uh, gee, I dunno if JRo would like me sayin’ that about him. And wasn’t it the stuff T.O. said about McNabb that got him in trouble to begin with?
Rosenhaus: Next question! Look, this is not about T.O., this is all about you! I am here for you Sean, only you baby. Ok, here’s another angle on that French thing. You were just being a good American! You were putting down the French! Damn, that’s way more popular than hockey where I come from. Nobody cares if you stick it to those Frenchies, heck, you can dump on those Euros all you want I and all I gotta do is wrap you in the flag. You'll be more popular than George Bush when I'm done with you.
Rosenhaus: Ok, now what about this thing with George Laraque? From what I read you blew that one too.
Avery: Huh? Well maybe sometimes I get a little excited in the games and say stuff I shouldn't...
Rosenhaus: Man, you just don’t get it. I’m gonna send you my book, its called “A Shark Never Sleeps” you’re gonna love it. Listen, Laraque is a goon right? Right! Attack him. Attack him relentlessly. Ruin him. I’ll put together a video of his fights. He’s the villain, he's the bad guy, not you!
Rosenhaus: Now I hear you’re getting fined by the league for diving? What’s up with that!
Avery: Well, sometimes I like to help the refs a little…
Rosenhaus: WRONG! They’re taking food out of your kid’s mouth just because you do what it takes to win? Not with me baby, not with me.
Avery: They kinda got upset ‘cus I said some stuff about the league too. They fined me for that too.
Rosenhaus: WRONG! My guys don’t get fined. I make my own rules.
Avery: Huh? And I might be in a little trouble with the NHLPA, I kinda said some stuff about Trevor Linden and the collective bargaining agreeement...
Rosenhaus: Look, you are not the bad guy here. They can't be villifying you, I just won't accept it. Who cares if you said the guys running the league are clowns. They are, same as Tagliabue. Who cares if you hung Trevor Linden out to dry. This is America baby, you have the right to your opinion. You can't help it if they misinterpreted you. Its all the media's fault, they're out to get you. By the time I'm dome this Bettman guy he’ll look like Domi after McGratton finished with him.
Avery: Cool! Sounds great Drew. Whadda I gotta do?
Rosenhaus: Listen. First, we’re gonna threaten to renegotiate. We’ve gotta get you more dough, a big signing bonus, some endorsements. You use viagra?
Avery: But I already have a contract?
Rosenhaus: And your point is… Contract shmontract. Listen Sean, leave this with me. I am a shark, a killer, I'm the best. I am going to make you famous, a household name like Terrell Owens and Santana Moss - all my clients are famous. You will be dominant.
Avery: Cool! Just one more thing, um, like how much do I pay you for all this?
Rosenhaus: Next Question!