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Old 03-21-2006, 10:00 AM   #1482
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Alando 'National TV' Tucker

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Wisconsin
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Jake Plummer

Report: Gretzky Not Man Enough To Bet On Football

PHOENIX--When Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, was accused of betting thousands of dollars on professional football, many wondered if Gretzky himself was involved as well. However, a report today in The Arizona Republic appears to have cleared Gretzky of any involvement, claiming that he is way too much of a p***Y to do something as cool as betting on football.

According to sources cited in the report, Gretzky is “not even man enough to buy a scratch ticket.”

“I can tell you that Wayne is one hundred percent innocent,” the source claimed. “This guy is speaking the truth. I’ve been associated with him for many years and there is no bigger p***Y on earth than Wayne Gretzky. It takes balls to bet on football, especially the huge amount of money his wife was betting. That lady has the courage of ten men, unlike her husband, who would shrink in fear from a game of bingo.”

The source also called Gretzky “wishy-washy” and claimed that he warned his wife against betting several times.

“Whenever she wanted to bet on a game, he would be like ‘Honey, it’s wrong to wager on sports. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know,’ like he was her father or something. Then she would roll her eyes and tell him to live a little. I mean it’s not like he isn’t swimming in cash. If I was him I’d be betting on everything - except for his own team, of course. Those guys are horrible.”

Hours after the report was published, Gretzky’s attorney told reporters that it was “one hundred percent accurate” and that his client should not be under any suspicion for gambling.

“This report is true. We agree with everything claimed by these sources,” said attorney Ron Fujikawa. “Simply put, gambling large sums of money is not consistent with Wayne’s personality. He’s a family man, a man of conviction and integrity that would never participate in something so illegal and dangerous. He’s a pillar of the community. He ‘s never been in an ounce of trouble his whole life. In other words, he’s a colossal bore.”

The new evidence seems to support Gretzky’s statement that he never gambled on sports, despite the fact that his assistant coach, Rick Tocchet, is charged with operating a large gambling ring that also involved his wife. Since the allegations were made, several of Gretzky’s friends and associates have come to his defense, including some of his players on the Phoenix Coyotes.

“I know Wayne and he would never do something like this,” said goalie Curtis Joseph, during a telephone interview. “It breaks my heart to see his name being dragged through the mud. This is a guy who goes through his whole life not having one ounce of fun or breaking any rules, and now he’s being questioned like he’s some kind of criminal. Sorry, but his only crime is being married to a woman who really, really liked the Steelers last week.”

Some in the media aren’t buying the latest alibi from the Gretzky camp, however. Some are even accusing the Great One of a cover up in order to protect himself from prosecution.

“I’m not buying all this ‘he’s not man enough’ B.S.,” said Jay Mariotti on Around the Horn. “Just think, if he really did bet on sports, this would be the biggest scandal in NHL history. This could bring down the whole league, and totally tarnish Gretzky’s legacy. Granted there is no evidence that he committed any crimes or placed any bets, but it’s really fun to think and talk about anyway. So let’s just pretend he did, OK?”

Hours later, Around the Horn producers announced that they will devote the next week of broadcasts to pretending that Wayne Gretzky is a gambling addict and that the scandal will rock the sports world.
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