Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Baltimore Ravens
Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. There's no white trash like Baltimore white trash. I've lived in Maryland for eight years and I can tell you that northern Maryland white trash occupies its own distinct niche of the white-trash market. It's as if the suburban Baltimore area were populated exclusively by fifth-grade gym teachers. These are the kind of people who wear camouflage Zubaz without a hint of irony. Every baby born in Baltimore County is born with a goatee, even the girls. If you could form a Jim Rome listener in a lab (and why wouldn't you? THEY'RE CLONES), the resulting 250-pound dumb**** would look an awful lot like a white-trash Ravens fan.
These people have NO sense of humor, nor any sense of self-deprecation. That's how you end up with a fanbase that engages in a comical level of collective paranoia. Ravens fans like to pretend that they're the U. Miami of the NFL. THEY'RE OUTLAWS! EVERYBODY'S OUT TO GET THEM! The refs have it in for the Ravens. The NFL has it in for the Ravens. Dan Rooney and his owner friends have it in for the Ravens. This pre-supposes that people actually give a **** about the Ravens. They don't. The Ravens are a nothing franchise. They're the Team That Shouldn't Be. Baltimoreans have willed themselves to like this team even though they know, deep in their heart, it isn't theirs. In a perfect NFL world, the Colts are still in Baltimore, the Browns are still the Browns, and Indianapolis remains a raging tire fire in the center of flyover country. These replacement Colts will never be as lovable to the rest of the NFL as the Baltimore Colts were. They're the unwanted replacements. They're the Sammy Hagar of NFL teams. Whoa hey, did someone say Sammy Hagar? BOBBY FROM TOWSON SAYS TURN THAT **** UP.
2. p***Ymouth isn't here to save you now. Terrell Suggs ruptured his Achilles in May, which all but ensures that the Ravens defense will be without one of its finest players for the entire season. Worst of all, that means I'm gonna have to look at sideline shots of Suggs and his terrifying gums all season long. To any network producer who plans on cutting to Suggs mid-smile, I'd like to issue a preventive PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT order. Suggs's p***Ymouth has been known to blind schoolchildren. I would humbly request that the Ravens not let Suggs on road trips and instead encourage him to return to his home on the set of Prometheus.
3. There's no guaranteeing that John Harbaugh will know that he has a timeout left. Seriously, man. Use a ****ing timeout. Get your affairs in order.
4. Ray Lewis is a phony. At some point, Ray Lewis's career will sputter to an end. More than any DPOY or MVP award, Lewis will best be remembered for his shocking ability to get the NFL establishment to turn a blind eye to the fact that he watched two friends stab people and then fled the scene in a goddamn limo. Ray Lewis is the ultimate phony, someone who will always find time to lecture teammates if there's an NFL Films camera hanging around. One day, he'll retire along with Ed Reed and this defense will finally cease to be the annual paper juggernaut it always has been. I'm quite excited for that day.
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