Jokes for the Off-season
What about an off-season joke thread?
Here are some of my favorites (*nothing really offensive, but if you're mega sensitive either get over yourself or don't read)(*several "anti-humor" jokes):
What's the hardest part of rollerblading?
Telling your parents that you're gay.
I found a stethoscope and a prescription pad under our bed today.
His friend says, "Well my wife is apparently cheating with a railroad conductor"
First guy says "How do you know?"
"I found a ****in railroad conductor under the bed"
A jewish boy asks his father for $50.
"40 dollars?!?! What in the world do you need 30 dollars for?!"
A black guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. A white guy sitting at the bar notices him and says "hey, did you know there is an updraft between this building and the one next to it? If you jump off it will carry you back up." the black guy is incredulous and asks the white guy to show him. They go to the roof and the white guy hops off the roof, falls for a second, and then amazingly floats back up to the roof. The black guy can't believe it so he hops off the roof, but falls to his death.
The white guy returns to his spot in the bar. A few minutes later another black guy walks in and the white guy again tells the story about the updraft. They go to the roof, the white guy jumps and floats back up and then the black guy jumps to his death.
The white guy returns to the bar and drinks his beer until a 3rd black guy shows up. Again the white guy tells his story and they go up to the roof. White guy jumps, floats back up, and then the black guy jumps to his death. When the white guy returns to the bar he orders a beer. As the bartender sets the mug down he says "geez Superman, you sure don't like black people".
A guy gets sent to prison for 5 years. As soon as he's locked in his cell a huge black guy gets off of the bunkbeds and says "You have a choice, you can either be the husband or the wife." The newly jailed guy thinks to himself: well I sure as **** ain't gonna be the wife and he tells the black guy "Ill be the husband."
Then the black guy says...
"Okay then, get over here and suck your wife's dick."
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and its destroying his family.
Why do women wear make up and use douches?
Because they are ugly and they smell bad.
Story from a Kansas State
Highway Patrol officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f#@king thing!"
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“<O:P</O:P
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”<O:P>
Wife: Honey, if I die, will you get re-married?
Husband: Yea, I'd probably get re-married.
Wife: Well, would she move in here?
Husband: Yeah, she'd probably move in here.
Wife: Well, would she sleep in my bed?
Husband: Yeah, I guess she would.
Wife: Well, would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she's left handed.
Guy walks into a bar, slams down his wallet and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky!"
Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky, Mr. Lucky?"
Mr. Lucky says, "Did you hear about that pileup on the highway? 25 dead, one man walks away alive. That's me, Mr. Lucky."
No one hears from Mr. Lucky for a long time, but a month later, Mr. Lucky walks into the bar, slams down his wallet, and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky Lucky!"
Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky Lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky?"
Mr. Lucky Lucky says, "Did you hear about that train accident? 100 dead, one man walks away alive. That's me, Mr. Lucky Lucky."
No one hears from Mr. Lucky Lucky for a long time, but 6 months later, Mr. Lucky Lucky walks into the bar, slams down his wallet, and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky!"
Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky?"
Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky says, "Did you hear about the plane crash? 200 dead, one man walks away alive. That's me, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky."
No one hears from Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky for a long time, but a year later, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky finally walks in, slams down his wallet, and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky!"
Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky?"
Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky says, "Well, I'm having sex with this woman, and I didn't realize it but her husband was under the bed with a double barrel shotgun. Blew my testicles right off."
Bartender looks at him and says, "Well...that doesn't sound to lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky."
Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky smiles and says, "Maybe not, but if he'd have done it 5 minutes earlier, he'd have hit me right between the eyes."
Be careful folks, any "yo momma" jokes will be considered "family smack" and a ban will be placed by the "panties in a bunch" brigade.
a man's wife is in a coma.... one day during a weekly sponge bath one of the nurses notices that there is movement when they touch her private parts. they informed the doctor who suggested to the husband that perhaps if "you give your wife oral sex she might come out of the coma"
He says okay and they give him privacy....but after about 4 minutes she flatlines..... the doctor immediately rushes in and says "what happened?"
the husband says "I don't know.... maybe she choked"
once upon a time there was a handsome prince.... who met a beautiful maiden.... he asked her to marry him.... and she said "no".
handsome prince lived happily ever after...
If gays were allowed in the military during world war II, then the movie "saving private ryan" would not have been 3 hours long.....
because there's no way it would have took that long for a squad of gay men to find matt damon
but this was in a good way.
where does a bee put it's stinger at night?
...in his honey
It was the postman's last day before he retired, and a lot of people on his route were giving him gift cards and wishing him well....
One lady on his route asked him to come inside because she had made lunch for him in honor of his last day.... he eats the lunch and then she takes him into the bedroom and fulfilled every sexual desire he had.... she reaches into her purse on the nightstand and hands him a dollar bill.
suddenly the front door opens up and it's her husband saying "honey, I'm home".... the mailman dives under the bed but left his mail bag on top of the bed
that husband notices the mail bag and confront his naked wife...."who's up here with you?"
the wife says "the mail man....i told you it was his last day"
Husband says "So....?"
the wife says "well, you said **** him...give him a dollar. Lunch was my idea"
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
A woman goes to the Dr with a bee in her butt...... The Dr says i'm gonna put honey on my penis and insert it into your butt and when I pull it out the bee will follow.......The woman agree's and the Dr inserts it and hears the woman moan so he starts going faster......the woman exclaims "What the hell are you doing?"......The Dr says "New plan i'm gonna drown it"
man comes home from work and his wife complains "honey the washer is making a funny noise"
husband replies " do I look like the maytag repairman to you?"
the next day he comes home his wife complains " honey my car is making some kind of weird noise"
husband replies what, "do I look like mister goodwrench to you?"
the next day he comes home, any notices no complaints..... and inquires why. His wife says the young man next door fixed everything. The hubby asks how much did it cost?
the wife replied that "he said I could either make him a cake or give him a blowjob...." her husband asked "what kind of cake did you bake him?"
the wife replied "do I look like betty crocker to you?"
Guy walks into the kitchen carrying a duck.. his wife is sitting at the kitchen table.
Guy says "This is the pig I've been f--king."
Wife says "That's a duck, not a pig."
Guy says "I was talking to the duck."
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
How do get a nun pregnant?
The 3 paddy's are working on a building site and it's lunchtime again.
Paddy the Englishman opens his sandwiches and says "not cheese again"
Paddy the Scotsman opens his sarnies and says " not bloody ham again"
Paddy the Irishman opens his sandwiches and says "not tuna again"
After a short discussion each of them agree that if they get the same sandwiches the following day they're all going to chuck themselves off the roof of the building site.
Sure the next day arrives and the horn blows for lunchbreak again.
Paddy the Englishman opens his lunchbox and it's cheese again. Says his goodbyes and takes a dive off the 10 storie building to his death.
Paddy the Scotsman opens his piece and once again it's ham. Says goodbye to paddy the Irishman and jumps off the building, stone dead.
Paddy the Irishman opens his sarnies and it's tuna once again. Throws the sandwiches to the ground and walks off the edge of the 10th floor to his death.
At the funerals the 3 sobbing wives discuss the deaths amongst themselves.
Paddy the Englishman's wife "I never knew Paddy didn't like cheese, it's such a shame"
Paddy the Scotsman's wife "I didn't know my Paddy didn't like ham, the kids and I will miss him so much"
Paddy the Irishman's wife looks bewildered through her tears and says "My Paddy made his own sandwiches"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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