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-   -   OT - Need some advice from neutral people(serious please) (http://www.orangemane.com/BB/showthread.php?t=91297)

Popps 04-27-2010 11:40 AM

OP,

You're young... so you can probably afford a mistake or two at this age. But, with the evidence at hand, I can just guarantee you that you're in for a very hectic and bumpy ride. No offense to your fiance', but people don't arrive where she is without significant issues. Can they be resolved? Sure. What's the likelihood of them being resolved? In my experience, highly unlikely. So, you need to ask yourself if you're prepared for a life full of issues. At 25, it might sound like something you can handle. But, trust me... that will change.

Move and work wherever you want. You're 25. Try to put some money away. Just trust all of us "older" guys on that one. (I'm 41, so I'm not THAT far removed from your situation.)

Just DON'T get married and god forbid, don't have any kids.

Wait until you're 30. If she's got her life together at that point, you can safely assume it's worth the risk. Otherwise, why rush? No one should be married before 30, imo.

Bronco Yoda 04-27-2010 11:41 AM

Families can be tough to be around when starting out as an adult. Sometimes it's good to put some distance for awhile until you get your life really started. You'll gain a measure of respect and proper boundries from your family that otherwise may not be possible.

Concerning the 4 year old. (speaking as a homeschool parent) The first 3-4 years of school isn't exactly rocket science, so moving isn't going to ruin her chances in getting into Harvard. But please always keep this in mind... The little one should always be THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY in all decisions. Make sure you have some kind of nest egg to deal with this situation.

gyldenlove 04-27-2010 11:43 AM

I would move in a heart beat, you have nothing that is tying you to where you are except family and trust me on this one, they will love you regardless. I am on my 3rd country of residence right now because if you don't do it now it is certain that you won't do it later. It is always easier to move out and try and then move back if you don't like it, than to stay and get tied down and then try to move out later.

Ray Finkle 04-27-2010 11:43 AM

1 Attachment(s)
Quote:

Originally Posted by Popps (Post 2826397)
OP,

You're young... so you can probably afford a mistake or two at this age. But, with the evidence at hand, I can just guarantee you that you're in for a very hectic and bumpy ride. No offense to your fiance', but people don't arrive where she is without significant issues. Can they be resolved? Sure. What's the likelihood of them being resolved? In my experience, highly unlikely. So, you need to ask yourself if you're prepared for a life full of issues. At 25, it might sound like something you can handle. But, trust me... that will change.

Move and work wherever you want. You're 25. Try to put some money away. Just trust all of us "older" guys on that one. (I'm 41, so I'm not THAT far removed from your situation.)

Just DON'T get married and god forbid, don't have any kids.

Wait until you're 30. If she's got her life together at that point, you can safely assume it's worth the risk. Otherwise, why rush? No one should be married before 30, imo.

Like Jimmy Dugan said, "that's good advice!"

Garcia Bronco 04-27-2010 11:43 AM

Others may differ, but I generally can't think of a more worthless group than family. Seriously. If they are supportive then awesome, if not... ****'em. Start your own clan.

Broncoman13 04-27-2010 11:45 AM

I've moved several times. The last four or five times while married. If your relationship isn't strong now it won't be after. Moving is an incredibly stressful event. New friends, new job, new environment, etc. I am fortunate that I have a strong relationship b/c it was put to the test each time. Some times it takes a few months to adjust, some times it takes a year or two. But if your relationship is strong enough, you will adjust and you'll be better off than before.

Personally, I wouldn't move without a job again. I did it when I left the Air Force in 1999. I thought it would be super easy to go out and get a job and fortunately I found a good job, and just in time. From that point forward though I've never done it again and probably would never put myself back in that situation. Do yourself a favor and start lining something up now.

Final thought. You know your girlfriend more than anyone here. You obviously have 2nd thoughts on this or you wouldn't be asking. If you're willing to take a blind leap wouldn't it make sense to do it anywhere? Perhaps you and your g/f should consider going somewhere that puts you on equal ground. Somewhere that when you get upset or she gets upset, its not so easy to run to an old friend and gain comfort... something she will be able to do, but you will not. There are plenty of inexpensive places to move that are a lot more convenient than going all the way to South Carolina... and a beach/party town at that. Personally, I don't think I'd put myself in that situation... even though that is the exact position I put my wife in when I got out of the Air Force. I then spent the next several years looking like hell to get out of the town I grew up in b/c it wasn't worth put her through the discomfort. It's worth moving and taking that next step in your life and relationship, just be smart about where that step is going.

Baba Booey 04-27-2010 11:45 AM

I say go for it, man.

gunns 04-27-2010 11:47 AM

Quote:

she had a terrible childhood that caused her to have to drop out of high school, but is set on getting a GED to get into college. She is 22, and I am 25 with a Bachelor's in Accounting from University of Oklahoma. I have an okay job for a private company here, but could definitely get a better one with the economy picking up. She hasn't had a job because she continues to get hired at a place and either not like it, or the pay/hours are **** and no use working it for getting the price back to cover the gas.
Also, she has a 4 year old daughter, so makes it tougher.
This says it all for me. Maybe she had a terrible childhood, but now she has a 4 year old daughter. Time to take responsibility. And how convenient that she can just up and quit a job because she doesn't like it or it doesn't pay squat. Anything is better than nothing. With those circumstances I find it highly suspicious that in Myrtle Beach she can find a job and find you one too. I think she's using you. She may care about you, but I think she also cares about the lifestyle you've afforded her.

I wouldn't go, but if you do, find the job first.

That One Guy 04-27-2010 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gunns (Post 2826409)
This says it all for me. Maybe she had a terrible childhood, but now she has a 4 year old daughter. Time to take responsibility. And how convenient that she can just up and quit a job because she doesn't like it or it doesn't pay squat. Anything is better than nothing. With those circumstances I find it highly suspicious that in Myrtle Beach she can find a job and find you one too. I think she's using you. She may care about you, but I think she also cares about the lifestyle you've afforded her.

I wouldn't go, but if you do, find the job first.

It definitely sounds as though she's kind of on the irresponsible side and is now willing to extend that irresponsibility to him with a "we'll figure it out" attitude.

bronco_diesel 04-27-2010 11:53 AM

1. make sure you absolutely love that child and can take her as your own. if you have any reservation, concern what-so-ever about this, you need to bail – for everyone’s sake, but mainly the child’s. you have to be 110% sure. remember, this is not about you, it is about the child and her future.

2. I’d take a long hard look at your fiancé and make sure this is the girl for you. I think the concerns aforementioned are legit red flags. be honest with yourself. is there a pattern and someone who has a responsibility problem, or is it a string of bad luck? usually a string of bad luck is more behavior than anything else. you’re not going to change her, she has to do that. so if there is any idea that she may grow up and change you’re stepping into a potential world of misery.

3. family can be a pain, but they are family. I’ve learned that life is much better with a healthy relationship with my family. I personally feel the right girl is not a divider, but someone who will unite and make every attempt to do so. you should be able to unite with her family as she should with you. make sure the family issues are not deeper than what it appears. sometimes a family is looking out for your best interest but it doesn’t look that way. some of the best ever advise I’ve had was from a family member who I thought was being a jerk. turns out he could see things because he wasn’t blinded like I was (sex). I would resolve your issues with the family and have some serious conversations before you jet out of town.

4. while you don’t make a lot of money, leaving a stable job without one lined up would be silly, especially with a child involved. if you do decide to make the move, slow down and be smart about it. have your fiancé hold down a job to save money for the move. if she can do that, then this is a good sign. if not, well…

you’re 25, you have a whole life ahead of you. make sure this is the right thing – follow your heart, but do so with wisdom.

BroncoInferno 04-27-2010 11:55 AM

Myrtle Beach blows, dude.

That One Guy 04-27-2010 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bronco_diesel (Post 2826421)
1. make sure you absolutely love that child and can take her as your own. if you have any reservation, concern what-so-ever about this, you need to bail – for everyone’s sake, but mainly the child’s. you have to be 110% sure. remember, this is not about you, it is about the child and her future.

2. I’d take a long hard look at your fiancé and make sure this is the girl for you. I think the concerns aforementioned are legit red flags. be honest with yourself. is there a pattern and someone who has a responsibility problem, or is it a string of bad luck? usually a string of bad luck is more behavior than anything else. you’re not going to change her, she has to do that. so if there is any idea that she may grow up and change you’re stepping into a potential world of misery.

3. family can be a pain, but they are family. I’ve learned that life is much better with a healthy relationship with my family. I personally feel the right girl is not a divider, but someone who will unite and make every attempt to do so. you should be able to unite with her family as she should with you. make sure the family issues are not deeper than what it appears. sometimes a family is looking out for your best interest but it doesn’t look that way. some of the best ever advise I’ve had was from a family member who I thought was being a jerk. turns out he could see things because he wasn’t blinded like I was (sex). I would resolve your issues with the family and have some serious conversations before you jet out of town.

4. while you don’t make a lot of money, leaving a stable job without one lined up would be silly, especially with a child involved. if you do decide to make the move, slow down and be smart about it. have your fiancé hold down a job to save money for the move. if she can do that, then this is a good sign. if not, well…

you’re 25, you have a whole life ahead of you. make sure this is the right thing – follow your heart, but do so with wisdom.



~ I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it. ~
-Thomas Jefferson

underrated29 04-27-2010 11:59 AM

Wow... What similiar situations you and I have/had...


Here is the thing dude. I already know what you are going to do. So do you. Now the good news is, you will learn a FREAKING TON from this. Bad news is that you are not going to make it as a couple and you will feel that you wasted a good portion of your life.....Trust me on this. read this whole thing and you will know why I say this... And dont use this as motivation. I did when people said the same to me, but you can not control the other person.

On the other hand you can not experience the learning part yourself but take everyones word for it.

Think of it like this. You can see a piece of candy that looks good to eat, yet everyone says no do not do it, it fell in dog ****. But it looks clean and you really want that candy and it doesnt smell like dog****. So you either eat it and taste the fact that its dog ****, or you can take everyones word for it. On one hand you will learn it yourself and experience it which is much more powerful, but at the same time suffer through the bad part. Or you can learn that it is bad but not as much as if you ate it.



I was similiar to you. I am 25 my ex is 22. We were best friends since highschool. She dropped out of HS, was a model for Mac (make up company)...Could have gotten a great job paying 75k a year, but kept putting off the GED. For some reason or another there was always a reason or excuse. She even went in to take the test and the fire alarms went off and the building had to be evacuated. Some things are signs bro. watch out for them...I went to school and became a badass- but dont get paid like one...yet.....But essentially the same thing and scenario.....Long story short, we are not together have a 3 year old son....... I learned sooo much over those 4 years that when I think i wasted my life (which I did somewhat) its not bad because I learned so much....Having said that, I think I would have been a lot better off just listening to everyone who is older, mainly my parents...... She is now married again with another kid, still no ged and now she has no job..When we were together she bounced around jobs too. Luckily i was good with money and how to use it/spend it.....I am guarantee that she will be divorced again and homeless within 2 years, probably by this fall.

I can not tell you what it is, but somehow, even though they seem more mature than you...I know mine was.. They are not.22 year old girls are 22 year old girls. They dont understand life yet... I know that wont make sense, but it is sooo freaking true its retarded.

The part about risk and diving head first..I agree with, but your situation is not one of them... Move somewhere, if you want, not because of her, and dont give up a good job or anything else...Ask yourself this.. Where would she be right now if she was not with you? She is probably a great person, but that answer right there should tell you everything you need to know. THe answer is simple, she would be with another guy, latched to him- same situation... That situation will always follow her around no matter who she is with until she gets her **** in gear. Girls like that normally do not until they hit rock rock bottom. And she never will until you are out of the picture, and the cycle will always continue as is now until she hits rock bottom. Which once again will not occur until you are out of the picture.

I know that sounds rough and I am SURE she is a really really great sweet girl. But just because she makes you feel good about yourself does not justify anything else.

My advice after all that crap----Do what you want, as you know what you will. Just be prepared to learn and learn as much as you can. In the end you will be a good person and a better one. And dont get down on yourself if things dont work out how you want. They rarely do. But they do always work themselves out in the end.

Good luck.

Cleo McDowell 04-27-2010 12:01 PM

its all about YOU. step back and re-assess your current position and take time to reflect on REALITY. Oftentimes, emotions cloud our decisions and we let those emotions steer us into less than ideal situations.

its on you. its hard, but try to look at yourself and your situation from an outsiders perspective, gather and weigh what is real. then decide.

Beantown Bronco 04-27-2010 12:04 PM

I realize you're not married yet, but I'd be curious as to what the difference in divorce laws are in the two states. And if either recognize common law marriages.

Bronco Yoda 04-27-2010 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by underrated29 (Post 2826427)
Wow... What similiar situations you and I have/had...


Here is the thing dude. I already know what you are going to do. So do you. Now the good news is, you will learn a FREAKING TON from this. Bad news is that you are not going to make it as a couple and you will feel that you wasted a good portion of your life.....Trust me on this. read this whole thing and you will know why I say this... And dont use this as motivation. I did when people said the same to me, but you can not control the other person.

On the other hand you can not experience the learning part yourself but take everyones word for it.

Think of it like this. You can see a piece of candy that looks good to eat, yet everyone says no do not do it, it fell in dog ****. But it looks clean and you really want that candy and it doesnt smell like dog****. So you either eat it and taste the fact that its dog ****, or you can take everyones word for it. On one hand you will learn it yourself and experience it which is much more powerful, but at the same time suffer through the bad part. Or you can learn that it is bad but not as much as if you ate it.



I was similiar to you. I am 25 my ex is 22. We were best friends since highschool. She dropped out of HS, was a model for Mac (make up company)...Could have gotten a great job paying 75k a year, but kept putting off the GED. For some reason or another there was always a reason or excuse. She even went in to take the test and the fire alarms went off and the building had to be evacuated. Some things are signs bro. watch out for them...I went to school and became a badass- but dont get paid like one...yet.....But essentially the same thing and scenario.....Long story short, we are not together have a 3 year old son....... I learned sooo much over those 4 years that when I think i wasted my life (which I did somewhat) its not bad because I learned so much....Having said that, I think I would have been a lot better off just listening to everyone who is older, mainly my parents...... She is now married again with another kid, still no ged and now she has no job..When we were together she bounced around jobs too. Luckily i was good with money and how to use it/spend it.....I am guarantee that she will be divorced again and homeless within 2 years, probably by this fall.

I can not tell you what it is, but somehow, even though they seem more mature than you...I know mine was.. They are not.22 year old girls are 22 year old girls. They dont understand life yet... I know that wont make sense, but it is sooo freaking true its retarded.

The part about risk and diving head first..I agree with, but your situation is not one of them... Move somewhere, if you want, not because of her, and dont give up a good job or anything else...Ask yourself this.. Where would she be right now if she was not with you? She is probably a great person, but that answer right there should tell you everything you need to know. THe answer is simple, she would be with another guy, latched to him- same situation... That situation will always follow her around no matter who she is with until she gets her **** in gear. Girls like that normally do not until they hit rock rock bottom. And she never will until you are out of the picture, and the cycle will always continue as is now until she hits rock bottom. Which once again will not occur until you are out of the picture.

I know that sounds rough and I am SURE she is a really really great sweet girl. But just because she makes you feel good about yourself does not justify anything else.

My advice after all that crap----Do what you want, as you know what you will. Just be prepared to learn and learn as much as you can. In the end you will be a good person and a better one. And dont get down on yourself if things dont work out how you want. They rarely do. But they do always work themselves out in the end.

Good luck.



But did you really waste your time? I bet you learned things that most take decades to learn. In the end are you better for it? Did you learn something? Are you wiser now.

Some things in life can only learned through trial and error. We all have to get knocked down before we get up again...

Mountain Bronco 04-27-2010 12:11 PM

Dude, you are young, go for it, if it doesn't work out you can always move back. The only thing I would say is push off the wedding a bit so if it doesn't work out you don't have a major mess to get out of.

Good luck.

Cool Breeze 04-27-2010 12:14 PM

1st
She is 22 and dropped out of H.S. but wants to get her GED
What is she waiting for? She's had what 4-6 years...

2nd
She gets jobs but doesn't like them and doesn't stick with it.

3rd
She hates Texas

I am sensing a lack of commitment there.
She should get the GED before the move.
Research the area, take a trip, get a job before the move.
Then, you both can hit the ground running when you get there.

Dukes 04-27-2010 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Broncoman13 (Post 2826404)
Final thought. You know your girlfriend more than anyone here. You obviously have 2nd thoughts on this or you wouldn't be asking. If you're willing to take a blind leap wouldn't it make sense to do it anywhere? Perhaps you and your g/f should consider going somewhere that puts you on equal ground. Somewhere that when you get upset or she gets upset, its not so easy to run to an old friend and gain comfort... something she will be able to do, but you will not. There are plenty of inexpensive places to move that are a lot more convenient than going all the way to South Carolina... and a beach/party town at that. Personally, I don't think I'd put myself in that situation... even though that is the exact position I put my wife in when I got out of the Air Force. I then spent the next several years looking like hell to get out of the town I grew up in b/c it wasn't worth put her through the discomfort. It's worth moving and taking that next step in your life and relationship, just be smart about where that step is going.

My thoughts precisely. If moving is so imporatant, move to a neutral place where neither of you know anyone.

Irish Stout 04-27-2010 12:16 PM

Although I do agree with the opinions of the Rev and the like on here, I understand the feelings you have for this lady... the fact that you feel like you'd do just about anything to be with her, to help her, and to grow old with her. Its going to be extremely hard for you to look past that and to cut her loose. In fact, my guess is that will not happen now because of what opinions you are getting from a message board.

However, look at just the fact that you are posting this on a message board... ask yourself why you came here with what are clearly your own doubts and insecurities about this relationship and the future, even if you are not verbalizing them. Also, to say you can't afford to move to Colorado, but can afford Myrtle indicates you are being directed by the lady, not the other way around. That being said, I'll assume the relationship is not going to end, that you are head over heels for her and that the choice ultimately comes down to staying in Texas with her or going to Myrtle Beach with her.

Some have already said it, but DO NOT LEAVE TEXAS WITHOUT A JOB OFFER IN HAND! It is three times harder to find a job when you are unemployed than when you are employed. As an employer I would look at you someone who is not willing to stick with a position or too likely to take strange life risks to be worth hiring. Also, if you cannot afford to move to CO, then you sure as **** can't afford to move to Myrtle Beach without a job in hand, despite whatever family support may be out there. You simply cannot afford to make any move without a new job ready to go. Begin using job sites and whatever contacts she has to distribute your resume to potential employers. Explain in your cover letter that you are for sure moving to Myrtle Beach for your fiance who needs to be closer to her family, but don't go into more detail than that on why you are moving.

If the fiance is more anxious than you can afford to move to Myrtle Beach, let her go ahead of you. Let her get settled and established with a job. Let her be your go person in Myrtle to help you get some contacts and roots to your new place. As a plus this distance will also be a great experience that will truly show you how strong the relationship is. If you guys can make it through a decent amount of time that far apart, you guys will know that you can make it through most things. During this time, save every penny you can and hopefully she'll get gainful employment right away and will be able to support herself and her daughter. You may need to have the money to trek it out there once or twice for a face to face interview with a potential employer.

If your fiance will wait with you in Texas, and she is unemployed, then make her your personal assistant and p.r. rep. Get her to help you track down jobs and network with whomever she knows on your behalf. Have her review your cover letters and resumes for all spelling errors or to make sure your phone numbers are correct.

I personally think the worst thing you could do for yourself and her and her daughter is to drop everything and go. You are young and you might eventually recover, but you are lifting the lid to Pandora's box of family and financial stress which leads to relationship stress. Try and eliminate at least one of those stresses before you follow your lady into the unknown and you will be grateful you did for the rest of your life. If not, you will be kicking yourself for asking for this advice and ignoring it.

PRBronco 04-27-2010 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Popps (Post 2826397)
OP,

You're young... so you can probably afford a mistake or two at this age. But, with the evidence at hand, I can just guarantee you that you're in for a very hectic and bumpy ride. No offense to your fiance', but people don't arrive where she is without significant issues. Can they be resolved? Sure. What's the likelihood of them being resolved? In my experience, highly unlikely. So, you need to ask yourself if you're prepared for a life full of issues. At 25, it might sound like something you can handle. But, trust me... that will change.

Move and work wherever you want. You're 25. Try to put some money away. Just trust all of us "older" guys on that one. (I'm 41, so I'm not THAT far removed from your situation.)

Just DON'T get married and god forbid, don't have any kids.

Wait until you're 30. If she's got her life together at that point, you can safely assume it's worth the risk. Otherwise, why rush? No one should be married before 30, imo.

Popps I'm going to print this off and make into a really nice mural and hang it where my gf can see it every day :)

Eldorado 04-27-2010 12:20 PM

No kid? Go for it, **** it it'll be fun. Kid? Do the smart thing.

ghwk 04-27-2010 12:21 PM

This isn't as stupid a question as it seems. If you weren't having sex with her would you be thinking along these lines?

I was also in a situation very similar to yours when I was your age, I'm in my 40's now. I had a college degree, she did not. I was in my mid 20s she was 22 with a child. I had my whole life ahead of me she had many many things to resolve because of the choices she made, including her ex who was a stalker and as it also turned out a pedophile (you don't mention where the father is in all this). What did she need from me? A stable place to land while she got her life back together. What I got from her was a chick who dug me (or so I thought) and sex and some level of companionship that wasn't all bad for a while.

What should she have been doing? Finishing school and getting her life back on track with a child on her own. What should I have been doing? Experiencing life because I had already sacrificed a lot to get through school. I also should have been asking myself why this particular woman seemed so appealing when there were a million more out there that I hadn't met yet and who had considerably less baggage for me to take on. What I really learned was that at 25 I was nowhere near as smart as I though I was.

Like Popps I know what you are going to do too. Like Popps I also say DO NOT GET MARRIED at least for another 5 years, see how this all plays out first. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD with her at least until the 5 years is up.

How did my story end? She ended up cheating on me and moving in with another guy in another state. Even though it took me a long time to realize and accept it she did me the biggest favor of my life. I went on to meet a great woman and have two kids now. I shudder to think how it could have played out. And the intervening years between that ending and my meeting my wife were a kick ass good time, exactly what you should be having right now. When your relationship ends, and it will, take all the knowledge you can and when the next situation like the one you are in finds you, run like hell the other way. There are a millioin hard luck women (and men) out there. You don't have to end up with one of them.

P.S. My parents didn't like my involvement with the 22 YO GF either and they were right, not because she was a bad person, just because she was a bad person for me.

Dukes 04-27-2010 12:23 PM

I'm with The Rev on this one. Time to move on without her.


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