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oubronco
03-30-2011, 05:26 PM
ITS THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN……..

This is a so-called actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .


CHILI, TEXASSTYLE!!

Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield ,
IL), I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light Beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a chili
taster, the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I
could have free beer during the tasting, and so I accepted and became
Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
removed dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all the beer.

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of line in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me need
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally save my tongue from bleeding by
pouring been directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge #1 - The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge #3 - No Report


Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious!