View Full Version : Coping with loss
01-07-2010, 06:07 PM
I'm putting this out there not because I'm an attention seeker but this is a community filled with real people that have dealt with similar things in the past.
I lost a dear friend and "old fling" I guess you could say over New Years. I don't know what happened yet but I already find myself going into a bit of a dark place over this (should have done this, should have said that). By all accounts she was a very happy young woman with a great future ahead of her. It seems whatever happened was accidental.
Does anyone have any tips on how to handle this sort of thing? I'm thinking of sending flowers to her mother. I don't know her family at all since we met and lived in another city.
For those with experience, any advice would be appreciated. I suppose every human being is touched by tragedy at some point in their life. I just wish this hadn't happened to her. She didn't deserve it.
01-07-2010, 06:37 PM
Face it headon and it will be easier on you in the long run
01-07-2010, 08:34 PM
I faced the same situation this Halloween when someone I loved, very much, had passed away. I had planned on asking her out that evening, (for good) and hopefully having a good relationship (and lasting), but tragically she passed away at 20 years young. It came out of nowhere. I was shocked. Angry. Saddened. Overwhelmed. All natural feelings to have when someone you love passes on. Realize that it is a natural part of life, even though at such a young age, it is unfortunate -- but for reasons perhaps we can never understand, it happened.
I too, like yourself, did not know my friends parents. She and I met up here at school. For advice in that manner all I can say is this. I went to her wake, and openly introduced myself to her parents. I was the one who made the call to them when I was in the hospital as she slipped away into a coma. I felt responsible to be there.
It was very hard. There were tears and a hard hug from her Dad. Since her passing, I have gotten to know her parents more and try and keep in contact as much as possible. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. I feel that there are lessons in every major action in our lives, and I learned a large one through the loss of my dear friend Emily.
If you cannot see her parents in person (not sure about your funeral plans) -- if she meant a lot to you, share that with them in some form. Share stories about your fun times, share anything. I know that the family of my friend who passed were overwhelmed with joy by the support we showed coming to lay her to rest and tell stories of Emily that they had never heard.
As far as what you can do for your personal well-being, surround yourself with loved ones. Be with friends you can console with. Perhaps, even those who shared moments and are familiar with your friend as well. The strongest bond in all of this is NEVER FORGETTING your friend. Pay tribute to her every day. A short thought, remembering something you both liked or did, etc. Keep her memory alive. That's important for both your well-being.
When Emily passed on, we all gathered at a friends and had dinner and remembered her. We spoke of her. Cried. Laughed. All that good stuff. Don't get down about the passing, that will not happen. For all we know, and hopefully, she is having a blast in her new life elsewhere.
You do not bear this burden alone, Chris. If you want to PM me about this in a more personal matter, please feel free to do so. Recently experiencing something similar, I have some other advice for you if you need. Just keep a positive heart and mind, and know that as long as you think of her in your heart and mind -- your friend will always live on.
We all do.
God bless and take care. I'm always a PM away.
-- Christopher aka Req
01-07-2010, 08:35 PM
You're mourning which is perfectly natural. You can't get rid of it. Sending her mother flowers with a nice note would be a nice touch, but it won't get you over what you're dealing with. Just remember it's ok to mourn and no, there was nothing you could have done, if that were the case there are probably a dozen people in her life that could have said or done something differently. She made her own choices.
01-07-2010, 08:39 PM
And yes Chris, Gunns is right on spot. Don't feel bad or blame yourself for anything. Don't second guess this at all. Accepting life's turns for what they are is important in coming to terms with the harshest of realities, especially losing a dear friend.
01-07-2010, 09:25 PM
I have known people or hung out with people who have passed but not anyone who I was close with. Even that stung so all I can say is acknowledge the pain, let yourself feel it, move on and honor that person by living your life to the fullest.
If you get in a rut and shut yourself down now 2 people have lost their lives. But sadly you are the one who has the option of still living it. So don't let this ruin you.
01-07-2010, 09:37 PM
Thank you all for the responses, particularly req. Its made me feel a bit better already. I think I'll try to go to the funeral. Meeting up with friends who loved her over the weekend.
01-08-2010, 07:38 AM
I lost two of my good friends in back to back years a few years back. First my best friends son was killed in a MC accident, and then the following year he was killed in a car accident.
You definately should go to the funeral and celebrate his/her life and share the memories with his/her other friends and especially the family. It will bring some feelling of joy to everyones' heart knowing that the person had affected so many lives.
It will be good for your soul.
BTW: those I've lost in the past do and will remain "with me" for the rest of my life.
01-08-2010, 07:48 AM
I just learned of the cause. It was a hit and run. Makes it tough. I'm going to the funeral.
01-08-2010, 03:53 PM
Chris, I commend you for going to the funeral and pray for your strength as the coming days start to pass. If you need anything, let me know!
01-09-2010, 12:02 AM
Prayers go with you Chris.
01-09-2010, 03:28 AM
Prayers for you, Chris...
01-09-2010, 10:02 AM
Thanks fellas. Just further proof that the OM is a great community.
01-17-2010, 12:46 PM
Went to her funeral in Canada yesterday. The FBI caught the woman that hit her. It's getting better, it is.