View Full Version : Football Forum and Poetry? Looking for Comments on My Poetry

04-22-2009, 11:47 AM
I have two poems I recently wrote, and was wondering if anyone could give me feedback. I know poems arent really manly on a football forum. Sorry if this is the wrong forum. Please don't hesitate to be honest. Thanks Everyone!

The News/Natural Mystic

By Elliott Baker

The people of the world continue their lives tonight.
No one knows of their internal cry.
Down deep everyone needs their mama.
Rebellions against sorrow believe that light is coming.
They know it is close.
They do not think there is truth in the news.
One must find themselves.
How do you decide?
Society tells you that everything is alright, but the only truth lies in music.
There have been prophecies that said sound above all will make them hear.
Everything they know is unclear.
They think they know the sound in their ears, but they hear lies.
They only hear mono-tones.
We the free people hear dreams and fairytales.
We choose not to limit children.
You make them watch television, and you kill all traces of their imagination.
You stuff them so full of information that you make them loathe reading.
You would think you could be decent, but you do not even shed a tear for everything that is purely natural.
You destroy nature and it’s mystic qualities.
You even poison your own air!
Open your ears and listen!
Start living life and listen carefully.
People will speak sounding like trumpets.
They will help till you kill their last prophet.
Then you are doomed to suffer.
If you don’t head this warning ask yourself, why didn’t I listen to them, why?

Amen Omen

By Elliott Baker

There was a bang then it started.
Life formed through the whispers.
Life slowly learned to scream its freedom.
It was left searching through the darkness for an answer.
But what was the question?
There are people who remain unseen.
To most they may seem gone, but to others they are just strangers waiting to be found in the darkness.
Waiting for that person to become their dawn.
All they need is someone’s face.
A face that has never understood amen.
One that is pure, one that is found within.
Look for that person they are your life.
Look for them but never find them saying, “I love you.”
There is a chance that it is a lie.
All of that sweetness for a moment of pleasure.
Living hundreds of hours needing them to just listen.
But you fade out like a whisper.
Little do they know you are dying slowly.
You are nothing to them but a drifter.
When you don’t speak there is silence, but it is you who speaks the loudest.
People say that the act of parting is such sweet sorrow, but I say that it is full of life, it is the world.
Every time you depart you thicken the world’s veins.
You make a voice out of something voiceless.
The pastors and preachers say amen, but I say I need a face.
But I guess I must find it within.

Pick Six
04-22-2009, 11:52 AM
If I were to choose my favorite, it would be Amen Omen. The imagery is so much stronger in that poem, IMO. Good job...

04-22-2009, 11:54 AM
thanks man, and ya i agree with you on Amen Omen, it definitely had more to it. thanks for reading them!

04-22-2009, 12:00 PM
You're a brave man to post poetry for the consumption of a bunch of message board cynics.

Well done.

04-22-2009, 12:27 PM
i like it...good imagery and the pace is consistent

and you have some serious juevos for posting this!

04-22-2009, 12:38 PM

04-22-2009, 12:44 PM

Ok what?