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montrose
04-14-2009, 04:39 AM
Well for those who remember my entertaining Valentine's Day thread, I'm sure this one may be destined for glory. I suppose I'm just looking to vent right now.

My girlfriend of just under a year (my first) broke up with me last night, over the phone from Denver while I'm in Maryland for my Mom's surgery. Talk about getting hit by a ton of bricks. Her reasoning was that we're not right for each other as we don't have enough things in common and our long-term ideals may not match up - she wants to live in Grand Junction where her entire family is while I like Denver and would like to focus on my career. I'll certainly say many of her points are valid, our conversations have dwindled over the past few months - and I'll agree we don't have a ton in common. I'm obviously into sports, as well as comedy, technology and to a lesser extent politics while she's more into the arts like music and theater as well as reading. In the long run it may not have worked out well but I can't describe how bad I feel right now as we both said it wasn't a question of either of us caring for each other. I made the pivotal mistake of putting a relationship (with anyone, quite frankly) up on a pedestal for so many years that when I found someone who matched my values I through myself into it with everything I had. I'm certain I "set the bar too high" as was discussed in the Valentine's Day thread, but I was so insecure and paranoid about getting it to work that I put every effort into winning her over. That's what made Valentine's Day, for example, such a challenge because it was kind of a "how am I going to top that?" scenario.

Not only does the thought of losing her sicken my stomach, but I honestly don't know how badly this will effect my actual life. I moved to Denver, alone, and she was the focal point of my social world which is probably why I'm starting a ridiculously long thread on a Denver Broncos message board. I feel like I not only lost my girlfriend, but my best and only friend in many regards. The only other friends I've got in the Denver area are my buddy Jon (lives in Fort Collins), Apa (married) and Kahn (married) which makes things very difficult. I suppose I was going to be losing her to Grand Junction soon anyhow, but it doesn't make things any better.

Compounding matters include the fact I'm having one of the worst weeks I could ever imagine. After finding a great deal of clarity and relief in that I'd be dropping my worst and more stressful client - I found out I have to keep them to survive financially, then my nice new cell phone winds up shorting out on me due to apparent water damage, I had to pay about $8,000 in taxes yesterday and tomorrow my mother goes into surgery to see if she has cancer or some other medical issue. Sunday evening, I told myself the one good thing I had going through this was my girlfriend. Not exactly the best time to have to deal with this but in her words, she did this now over the phone so that I would be here in Maryland with family and friends to support me instead of doing it while I'm alone in Denver. One of the worst parts is that I'm stuck here in Maryland until the 30th, then I'm back to Denver, then I've got to get to Montrose for jury duty on May 13th, then I'm back to Maryland the next week for my sister's graduation. I won't have a chance to fully settle in and begin moving on in Denver until about June which just makes the recovery process that much worse.

I have such a range of emotions right now I can't even describe it. I saw this possibly coming, someday, when it felt more mutual. Instead this hits me completely out of left field when I can afford it least. While I certainly recognize the differences we had, I suppose I took them as simple progressions in a long-term relationship. I looked for a girlfriend for such a long time, while it wasn't everything I envisioned (she wasn't super affectionate or very physical for example), it certainly beat the sh*t out of playing Xbox by myself on Friday nights. I suppose I'm trying to tell myself it will be easy to move on and this is no different than the way I felt after the San Diego thrashing in December, but right now I'm so incredibly devastated I don't even know how I'll make it through the week - let alone the ceremonial "returning of keys and other stuff" I'm facing when I get back to Denver. I just wish I could get back to Denver right now so I can packup the pictures, gifts, e-mails, CD's, etc. and put them in a storage unit never to be seen again.

I didn't want to be a guy who dated around or was in a million relationships. I was more than happy to find a person I was comfortable with and go from there and that's all gone now. Did she have faults? Of course, so do I. I think what makes this the worst is that I see it's probably the right thing. What scares me the most though, is the thought of having to go back to that awful, awful place of being all alone in a big city again. I found her on eHarmony, which was a long and drawn-out process to find the right one. I spent the last year planning a future together and in one night it all disappeared. I have no idea how to find the right person for me because I feel as though I've exhausted my options. Perhaps I have the confidence to now walk up to a girl and ask her out, which I didn't have before. Although I'm not one motivated by physical appearance but rather the emotional connection. I didn't even see a good picture of my girlfriend before I met her and I was in love before we met because of the month of e-mailing each other back and forth. How am I supposed to find that same thing with some random person I meet on the street?

I'm sure I'll hear a million breakup stories and I'm already hearing the standard responses from people. Oh and FYI, although I know it wont stop things, the response to 1) go get wasted and/or 2) go get laid, really aren't going to apply here. Despite the fact that I know this is a part of life and being in relationships, it certainly doesn't change the way I feel right now. This is one of the lowest moments of my entire life.

I need some help guys.

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 04:43 AM
This is, bar none, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Soak it in.

montrose
04-14-2009, 04:45 AM
This is, bar none, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Soak it in.

Huh?

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 04:51 AM
You're 24 and just having your first break up. It may even take a few more scars until you can see clearly.

Would you rather this waited a few more years until you woke up one morning and started to loathe everything you sacrificed in the name of "compromise" for this girl?

Besides, there's always something way better out there somewhere. Nothing's more fun than a good old vagina hunting safari. You can even wear fun hats and put on an accent.

Broncojef
04-14-2009, 04:54 AM
Sounds like you were trying to hard. Granted I've been married almost 20 years now but it needs to be a two way street where you aren't trying to one up yourself every special occasion buying bigger and better and prove your worth to someone. I dated a trophy girl when younger and while fun she was way too high maintenance, if I'd ever married her I'd have been worn out by this point and divorced. Sometimes bad things happen so better days can present themselves. Not what you want to hear, I know, but marriages and long term things work because you both have a common focus and an even love for one another. Take care of business and setup shop in June, I'm betting by the time the Broncos are playing again things will work themselves out. Good Luck mate.

montrose
04-14-2009, 05:00 AM
I certainly get the point in having some scars to see clearly. I don't how much I would've been sacrificing or compromising though, at least not more than in any other relationship. I agree that I didn't want to settle for something or someone, but I suppose I'm a bit of a realist and was happy with the relationship I had.

The idea of finding someone new is the most scary Rev. And I'm not saying this to put her up on a pedestal, because she certainly had a ton of flaws that frustrated the hell out of me and I have no doubt there are other, incredible women out there. It's the process that scares me. I wouldn't even know where to begin. It could take months, even years, before I found someone "right for me" while my value set (non-religions but doesn't drink and willing to wait until marriage) isn't exactly at the fore front of many girls my age. I just don't know what to do.

Ratboy
04-14-2009, 05:09 AM
Montrose,

Don't sweat it man. 24 years old? You are young and still have you're entire life ahead of you. You should come out of this knowing what you want later in life.

I wish I could give you the "I've been through this" speech, but I haven't. I probably should be the last person to give break up/relationship advice. I am 23 years old, and have never held a serious relationship.

Just go out and have fun. You can still focus on your career goals while enjoying life.

I am 23, in the Air Force, working 60 hours a week, going to school for my bachelors degree and still having the time of my life in Korea.

Just sit go have a few drinks and enjoy yourself, there are bigger and better fish in the sea.

You'll find "the one" and you'll know. You won't have to put all the effort into the relationship.

Ratboy
04-14-2009, 05:10 AM
The idea of finding someone new is the most scary Rev. And I'm not saying this to put her up on a pedestal, because she certainly had a ton of flaws that frustrated the hell out of me and I have no doubt there are other, incredible women out there. It's the process that scares me. I wouldn't even know where to begin. It could take months, even years, before I found someone "right for me" while my value set (non-religions but doesn't drink and willing to wait until marriage) isn't exactly at the fore front of many girls my age. I just don't know what to do.

Come on dude!

Life is not about finding someone to spend it with. You do not need to focus on the "process" of finding another person. If it happens, it will happen. There is absolutely no need to worry about the process.

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 05:11 AM
I think you should give the "drunken sex" thing a shot.

How can you understand the other side of the values coin until you've been there? :)

montrose
04-14-2009, 05:22 AM
Come on dude!

Life is not about finding someone to spend it with. You do not need to focus on the "process" of finding another person. If it happens, it will happen. There is absolutely no need to worry about the process.

I think that's what scares the crap out of me. I realize that if it happens, it will happen - and the fact that it takes my control out of it leaves everything to chance. That's why eHarmony was so appealing. I was able to control my outward messages and either the person responded or they ended the match. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do eHarmony again, at least not right now. It was just be too strange coming of a relationship in that way.

I think you should give the "drunken sex" thing a shot.

How can you understand the other side of the values coin until you've been there? :)

Well I have drank before Rev, it's just not really for me. No moral or religious issue there, I just prefer not to do it. As far as sex goes, when I was younger I never intended to "wait" but because things simply never happened for me I hit a point at my age where I've waited so long I'd rather wait for the right person. In all honestly, if I had slept with her I'd be okay with it. I loved her and she would've been the right type of person to have your 1st time with if you're not going to wait until marriage. However, I didn't - and it makes me value waiting that much more.

alkemical
04-14-2009, 05:22 AM
****, i'm about 30 and single - every once in a while you feel lonely - but i'll tell ya - I'd rather be single - than to be with someone just to be with someone (ya know, cuz you don't like being alone) -

But there's a difference between alone & on your own.

Be on your own for a bit. If someone good comes along, stumble into her.

I've had lots of girlfriends - and i broke up with them for different reasons at different times. At times - i didn't want to be hurt - so i left - other times - i was like "WOW, this girl and i so do not fit" -

and yet other times, the girl and i only had sex in common. Which still can be a weird complication - (all in the expectations).

****, i was once engaged to a chica i was with for 5 years. To this day, i'm glad i didn't end up marrying her.

Ratboy
04-14-2009, 05:25 AM
****, i'm about 30 and single - every once in a while you feel lonely - but i'll tell ya - I'd rather be single - than to be with someone just to be with someone (ya know, cuz you don't like being alone) -

But there's a difference between alone & on your own.

Be on your own for a bit. If someone good comes along, stumble into her.

I've had lots of girlfriends - and i broke up with them for different reasons at different times. At times - i didn't want to be hurt - so i left - other times - i was like "WOW, this girl and i so do not fit" -

and yet other times, the girl and i only had sex in common. Which still can be a weird complication - (all in the expectations).

****, i was once engaged to a chica i was with for 5 years. To this day, i'm glad i didn't end up marrying her.

Great post.

montrose
04-14-2009, 05:30 AM
Ames it's more than being alone right now, but that I won't find that person down the line. I understand your point of needing to find that right person and not being with someone just to be with someone. But when you've spent 23 years alone and longing to share something with someone, then a year with someone and it's nearly everything you hoped for, the thought of going back to alone again sucks. If I had some type of system setup where I could go out with different girls in hopes of finding the right one, I'd feel better about it. Instead, there's the real possiblity I may not even go on a date again in... well, who knows?

alkemical
04-14-2009, 05:33 AM
Ames it's more than being alone right now, but that I won't find that person down the line. I understand your point of needing to find that right person and not being with someone just to be with someone. But when you've spent 23 years alone and longing to share something with someone, then a year with someone and it's nearly everything you hoped for, the thought of going back to alone again sucks. If I had some type of system setup where I could go out with different girls in hopes of finding the right one, I'd feel better about it. Instead, there's the real possiblity I may not even go on a date again in... well, who knows?

If you keep this POV, you are going to end up as a doormat for some ****. Focus on you for right now. Feel this, make your peace with it - and move on.

montrose
04-14-2009, 05:35 AM
If you keep this POV, you are going to end up as a doormat for some ****. Focus on you for right now. Feel this, make your peace with it - and move on.

Your about the third person so far (including her) that's told me to focus on myself right now. Can I ask what in the hell that means?

alkemical
04-14-2009, 05:46 AM
Your about the third person so far (including her) that's told me to focus on myself right now. Can I ask what in the hell that means?

I'll be honest - she could have fed you a line - but it seems she cared enough about you to tell you - even though it was done in the "worst circumstance" - well other than when you are done ****ing her and she tells you she's ****ing the dude down the hall.

What this means: "Focus on yourself" - is exactly that. You said she was the pinnicale of your social life - go make some friends of your own and develop your own sense of self. Do not depend on someone to define you.

Ratboy
04-14-2009, 05:48 AM
I think that's what scares the crap out of me. I realize that if it happens, it will happen - and the fact that it takes my control out of it leaves everything to chance. That's why eHarmony was so appealing. I was able to control my outward messages and either the person responded or they ended the match. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do eHarmony again, at least not right now. It was just be too strange coming of a relationship in that way.


Nothing against eHarmony, but I think that is a big issue. It is a networking site for people who cannot be alone. These people can't stand being alone for their own personal reasons. When you toss people who are looking for a relationship, it may not always work out.

You can't force a square into a circle hole, even if you have the same things in common. You will find somebody when you are not expecting it. You may be scared to find that person, but you also may be scared you may NOT find the person.

That's what I get from this, it seems you have had trouble with relationships, or lack-thereof and you may not think you can find another girlfriend.

Here is a suggestion.

Bars - You don't meet girlfriends there.

If you're into books, you could always hang out at bookstores and coffee shops. If you're into gaming, BlizzCon or Comic-Con could be the place for you. I just suggestion going to places that fit your hobbies, you'll find interesting people there.

Traveler
04-14-2009, 06:02 AM
Montrose,

You have too many other things happening in your life than to worry about this breakup. While it may hurt and the timing is lousy, that she would do this right now should tell you she wasn't the one for you.

I too agree that you need to focus on your family and yourself. Please take to heart that when the right person for you enters your life, nothing gets in the way. Just do the things that make you happy, recharge, understand that it's okay to be single, maybe even pursue past "acquaintences w/ benefits" that you might know.

You're still young. Enjoy your freedom! Hell, now that you are single again, I'd suggest to plan a trip Rio de Janeiro, if you haven't been there already. You'll come back with an entirely different perspective on women and relationships!^5

worm
04-14-2009, 06:13 AM
It will be hard for anybody to say anything reassuring to you right now Montrose. You will be going through a process that sucks. Honestly, you will have more low points before it gets better based on what your personality seems be. However, it WILL get better and you will be the much better person for it.

The best thing you can do is turn all the attention that you were giving to her, back on to yourself. Take care of business back East. Expand on the things you enjoy, like the DWill Teen Center work for example. Do more in the real World and less in the online world.

When you least expect it, the next one will come along for you. People can sense when somebody is happy with their life and are drawn to them. It is attractive to see somebody 'doing their thing' rather than initially have 'their thing' be based on a relationship.

One of my own rules to help you get through this....Never, ever, ever call or write her again. Close that Chapter forever, no matter what she does to contact you. She will probably, at some point, reach out to you to 'check on you'. Whether this is done due to her guilt, due to her realizing she still wants you back, due to her being lonely, due to another relationship she was moving towards not ending the way see wanted...or any one of a number of reasons...no good will come from communicating with her. No matter who initiates it.

That Chapter of your Life is over...but the book has just started brutha!

It WILL get better.

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 06:16 AM
Your about the third person so far (including her) that's told me to focus on myself right now. Can I ask what in the hell that means?

"Know thyself"

alkemical
04-14-2009, 06:19 AM
"Know thyself"

lol and you will being single... haha!

Peoples Champ
04-14-2009, 06:22 AM
This is, bar none, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Soak it in.



Ya I agree. I know its cliche, but there are more fish in the see. Now your on your own, and independent. You dont need anyone to hold you down. As Grand Master Flash says, "Cant nobody hold me down, cant nobody take my pride, oh no, I got to keep on movin."

Here is a little motivational commercial from my hero:

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/michael-jordan-failure-nike-commercial/603740549

no-pseudo-fan
04-14-2009, 06:33 AM
Tough break guy. Murphy's Law and all.

The way I see it is that she did you a favor. Why invest one more birthday, holiday, or anniversary with someone who is not the one? It will hurt for a while, but don't let it keep you down. Do social things, go to a pumpkin patch, do something new that you have never tried. Don't go looking for the right person, don't even look, when you stop looking that is when you will find the right person.

Good luck.

rugbythug
04-14-2009, 06:35 AM
Ok Montrose- This is love/relationship advice from Rugbythug distilled into a unordered list posted on a Football Message Board. (just so you know the value) I myself am probably very similar to you only 10 years older. I did not have a ton of relationships. Did not screw a bunch of chics (because I did not think it was right) I cam from a 2 parent stable christian home. And then wanted the same. This is common. People who are raised in Chaos yearn for more chaos and stable repels them.

A) There is not one person for each of us. There are lots and lots. Just be honest about what you are and what you want.
B) If you need to go through all the machinations as you did for Valentines Day it is never going to work. If you ever buy an engagement ring, Get one that is just OK. Then if she complains or is any way anything less than ecstatic you know she is not the right girl. The ring should make here ecstatic not because it is a big diamond but because it is a commitment.
C) Look at backgrounds. This is more important than people give credence to. If you don't like the Circus don't marry the Clowns daughter no matter how hot she is.
D) Find women where you are. If you like sports marry a waitress in a sports bar. Or a Girl on the opposing softball team.
E) Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

There it is.

TheElusiveKyleOrton
04-14-2009, 06:42 AM
That's rough, Montrose. I'm sorry you guys didn't work it out.

But ultimately, the cheesy saying "Everything happens for a reason" is absolutely valid. If you were supposed to be with her, she wouldn't have called and broken it off.

This could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

When I was in college, I fell in love and got engaged to a girl back home. A year after I had moved back from Montana to be with her, she dumped me. Just like that, three years out the door. I crawled into a bottle for three months, and when I came out the other side of that hell, I was happy that I wasn't marrying her. Why? Because if she really cared about me, she wouldn't have done that.

if this girl was the one for you, she wouldn't have piled on to your mom's surgery.

Take a few months. Hang out with your friends. Have some personal reflection time. My favorite place is the trail around Evergreen Lake. it's quiet and you can find solitude in nature.

Don't look at every woman you meet and size her up for a relationship, either. I know people (me) who have done that, and it makes for a particularly uncomfortable existence.

Cheers, mate. Keep your head up. At 24, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Peoples Champ
04-14-2009, 06:48 AM
Tough break guy. Murphy's Law and all.

The way I see it is that she did you a favor. Why invest one more birthday, holiday, or anniversary with someone who is not the one? It will hurt for a while, but don't let it keep you down. Do social things, go to a pumpkin patch, do something new that you have never tried. Don't go looking for the right person, don't even look, when you stop looking that is when you will find the right person.

Good luck.



Ya I wouldnt look either. Something will happen. Your in the number one city for single people in Denver, Colorado. Denver has won that award back to back years. Dont worry about her social network. I moved to 2 different places with not knowing anyone. You just gotta get outside your comfort zone and meet people. Start at work, but if you gotta, go on craigslist and join a softball team, or flag football. Or just go out to bars and talk to people. That one sux and I have never done it, but my friend moved to Denver and did that and now he knows just as many people as I do and I grew up in Denver. Gotta be like Nike, and Just Do it.

rbackfactory80
04-14-2009, 07:01 AM
My milion dollar advice. She broke up with you, now you will have plenty of time to examine the rights and wrongs by both of you inthe relationship. Look deep within yourself, times like this provide the ultimate growth of a person. From how it sounds, a couple of rough months are ahead of you. Just remember not to try to block it out, let your body naturally heal and don't repress your emotions. Don't rush into something else to try to make yourself feel better, that won't be fair to you or whoever else you are dating and it won't help either. Grieving is a process, let it take place. Don't hold on to the pictures and notes and all that garbage, and even if you want her back don't contact her. Time will tell how special what you both had was. Also remember that when someone leaves your life, it opens up for someone new, which will 10 out of 10 times be a better fit for you as you are now more aware of you and your wants in relationships.

Cheers and never let them see you sweat.

orangeatheist
04-14-2009, 07:06 AM
This MIGHT make you feel better.

My first breakup occurred on my HS graduation night. After the ceremony my girlfriend and I went to my house so I could change clothes and we could start making the rounds to all the parties. She told me as I came out of my room that she wanted to breakup. Talk about a ton of bricks!! I was pretty messed up the rest of that summer. It was a living hell.

Well, time went on...got a number of other girlfriends (was the king of the disco in my neighborhood so it was easy) and a lot of other breakups. But none as painful (or as untimely) as that first one. One day, almost 10 years later, I'm standing at the DJ booth of a local bar/dance club with my newest girlfriend (been married to her now for almost 18 years!). She's a real knockout (still is!). This pack of girls come in and I recognize one of them. It's the sister of my ex-first-girlfriend. She comes over to me and says "Hi" and then introduces her friends. One of them is my ex. Her sister said, "And you remember Susie!" Holy cow! And I DO MEAN COW!!! She had packed on the weight like you wouldn't believe! If she wasn't at least 250 I'd eat my hat. Nasty looking thing (and she'd been a doll in HS!). I never had more satisfaction than introducing my (now) wife. All 4'11", 95 lbs of her! HA HA HA HA

So...buck up! Good things CAN happen! I'm sure glad I'm not feeding that thing now!

dsmoot
04-14-2009, 07:17 AM
Ok Montrose- This is love/relationship advice from Rugbythug distilled into a unordered list posted on a Football Message Board. (just so you know the value) I myself am probably very similar to you only 10 years older. I did not have a ton of relationships. Did not screw a bunch of chics (because I did not think it was right) I cam from a 2 parent stable christian home. And then wanted the same. This is common. People who are raised in Chaos yearn for more chaos and stable repels them.

A) There is not one person for each of us. There are lots and lots. Just be honest about what you are and what you want.
B) If you need to go through all the machinations as you did for Valentines Day it is never going to work. If you ever buy an engagement ring, Get one that is just OK. Then if she complains or is any way anything less than ecstatic you know she is not the right girl. The ring should make here ecstatic not because it is a big diamond but because it is a commitment.
C) Look at backgrounds. This is more important than people give credence to. If you don't like the Circus don't marry the Clowns daughter no matter how hot she is.
D) Find women where you are. If you like sports marry a waitress in a sports bar. Or a Girl on the opposing softball team.
E) Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

There it is.

Rugbythug,


Good advice. I can't emphasize items B and C enough. The other points are good too. Too many times we get the subliminal idea we can change the other person. A mistake in item C is something that will raise its head later and you will find a monster situation. My biggest mistake before I literally stumbled into my wife was trying too hard in finding a relationship. You can't be in a compromising frame of mind when issues of compatibility such as likes, dislikes, values, lifestyle desires are at stake. My wife and I are quite different, we value those differences in a completeness sort of way, but our values and lifestyle desires are in lock step with one another.

Montrose,

You were telling my story from my youth. For me there appeared to be no answers for me with the opposite sex. When I least expected it, God blessed me with the RIGHT person. What seems like a difficult situation now will get better. Stay true to yourself (cliche). There is someone that will complement you.

Kaylore
04-14-2009, 07:20 AM
Montrose, call me when you're up. But for the sake of this thread let me just say Amesj and rugbythug have compiled the best advice for you. That there is not "the one" person for you is totally true. There are a lot of "the ones" out there. It's hard to hear right now because things are so fresh. You'll need time to mourn the breakup and move on. And that's ok. It takes time.

It sounds like you've felt things dwindling in recent months and so you saw this coming to a degree. That doesn't always help, but it might help you accept it. Don't worry about "process of finding someone" yet. You're not there and need time to chill. I found Amy when I was literally trying not to date. I was just working on trying to be a good person (not saying that worked out Ha! ) and trying very hard not to give women the idea I was looking for someone and it just happened.

Just takes some time, be with your family in this tough period and let things pass. In a few months you'll be ok and eventually you'll be back on your feet.

ak1971
04-14-2009, 07:20 AM
start doing lots of blow, hang out with strippers.

Los Broncos
04-14-2009, 07:26 AM
Sorry to hear that, just part of life tho.

My gf broke up with me last year after being together for 7.

Archer81
04-14-2009, 07:28 AM
Put the relationship on a pedestal, huh? Pussiliah, my friend.


:Broncos:

montrose
04-14-2009, 07:31 AM
I'll be honest - she could have fed you a line - but it seems she cared enough about you to tell you - even though it was done in the "worst circumstance" - well other than when you are done ****ing her and she tells you she's ****ing the dude down the hall.

I have no doubt she did this with me in mind. That being she wanted to make it as easy on me as possible. What had me so stunned was that apparently she's been thinking about this for a while (maybe even months) and I had no idea. I think she did it now because she knows me well and wanted to make sure I had support systems around me to help get through the recovery process. For the record, I'm not upset at her one bit. Yes the timing of this sucks with everything else I'm battling in my life but (rightfully or wrongfully) she did what she did for me. It would've been easy for her to wait until I come back to Denver and do it then, but with no one around me I think she realizes how tough that would've been. Honestly, I wish she had just given me one more week to get through my Mom's surgery, but it's all in the past now. The tough thing for me is that although I have these support groups around me, the person I would be leaning on for support through this stuff (not just the break up but my job, the surgery, etc.) would be her. That's what makes this so tough, the person I need the most right now in my life is the one person I can't reach out to. With that, I'm not angry with her. She did what she had to do and in her mind, was doing the right thing.

What this means: "Focus on yourself" - is exactly that. You said she was the pinnicale of your social life - go make some friends of your own and develop your own sense of self. Do not depend on someone to define you.

This makes sense, but I think it's easier said than done. If I've learned one thing in the last year of living alone in Denver, it's that making friends in a new city is hard as hell. I certainly see myself getting involved more at the D-Will Center and maybe taking an evening college class to get me involved in things but making a social life will be tough.

You have too many other things happening in your life than to worry about this breakup. While it may hurt and the timing is lousy, that she would do this right now should tell you she wasn't the one for you.

Funny, that's what my parents said too. Unfortunately, the fact the rest of my life is going to sh*t doesn't make this any easier. If anything it just amplifies things. Losing the one stabling force in an otherwise unstable life really sucks.

I too agree that you need to focus on your family and yourself. Please take to heart that when the right person for you enters your life, nothing gets in the way. Just do the things that make you happy, recharge, understand that it's okay to be single, maybe even pursue past "acquaintences w/ benefits" that you might know.

Well I don't have any friends with benefits so that's certainly out. I suppose it's natural, but one thing that keeps sticking out to me is how I wish I could move on quickly and the thought that the right person will simply enter my life in the future makes the present damn near unbearable. Now that I've had a taste of love, it's depressing to think about not having it. You hear so many stories about people spending years and years of their lives trying to find the right one. TV shows, songs, movies they've all been dedicated to this. I can't imagine going through this again, let alone multiple times over the next years. I'm not one for the journey, I wish I could just fast forward to a happy ending (get you mind out of the gutter fellas).

You're still young. Enjoy your freedom! Hell, now that you are single again, I'd suggest to plan a trip Rio de Janeiro, if you haven't been there already. You'll come back with an entirely different perspective on women and relationships!^5

Not sure if that's the best fit for me but I really apprecaite the sentiment.

Nothing against eHarmony, but I think that is a big issue. It is a networking site for people who cannot be alone. These people can't stand being alone for their own personal reasons. When you toss people who are looking for a relationship, it may not always work out.

This makes some sense. One of things that always perplexed me about her was that she was coming out of a long-term relationship that ended poorly, had a ton going on at school in Denver and knew she was going back to Grand Junction (which was always the elephant in the room of our relationship) and yet she still was on eHarmony and had tried meeting a few other guys in Denver before meeting me. In a way, I think that's what made eHarmony appeal to me - that I'd finally have a shot with someone who wanted a relationship. Heading back to 9th grade, I was rejected for one reason or another by girl after girl after girl. I could never understand why, I'm not a jerk by any means and have been told I'm good looking. But for whatever reason I could never even get to a date with a girl. When I signed up for eHarmony, I really wasn't even looking for a love. I just wanted to go on a date or two, that's what I was looking for. My girlfriend was one of the initial five matches I got. I wound up communicating with her and one other girl from the first night but she was clearly the better match. After e-mailing back and forth daily for about a month we had two dates over a weekend and from that point I think we both knew we had something special. I do think you find people who are looking for a relationship which can change things up a bit with eHarmony, but for someone of my personality it seemed like a good fit.

You can't force a square into a circle hole, even if you have the same things in common. You will find somebody when you are not expecting it. You may be scared to find that person, but you also may be scared you may NOT find the person.

I do agree about forcing things and I assume that's why she broke it off. Our phone conversations of late had been painful. Lots of awkward pauses and not a ton to talk about as we didn't share many common interests. I assume that (and the location thing) were her chief reasons for ending it. My vantage point was that it's just a transition and we needed to address it and find things we have in common. I'll say I'm certainly not scared to find the right person but I am scared to death that I wont find them. I just have this awful, awful feeling that I'm going to spend the next years of my life 1) not seeing anyone, even on small dates or 2) going from meaningful relationship to meaningful relationship lost in hopes of finding the right person.

That's what I get from this, it seems you have had trouble with relationships, or lack-thereof and you may not think you can find another girlfriend.

Bingo. Now I don't want to sell my girlfriend short here because I certainly have strong feelings for her and it's tough to imagine her not in my life. But my fear is specifically driven from the thinking that I won't find anyone again.

Here is a suggestion.

Bars - You don't meet girlfriends there.

Good, because I don't go there.

If you're into books, you could always hang out at bookstores and coffee shops.

That would be the place to meet another like my girlfriend. She was way into reading and the type of girl I'd find in a bookstore. I imagine if I'm going to be moving on, this wouldn't be the smartest thing to do.

If you're into gaming, BlizzCon or Comic-Con could be the place for you. I just suggestion going to places that fit your hobbies, you'll find interesting people there.

I like games, not sure I'd want a girl completely into them but I like your thinking. Honestly, my dream would be to find a girl at Training Camp or something similar to that if we're basing things off interests. I met a nice girl at the Broncos B&G Club Event a few weeks ago, had I not been dating I suppose that would be the type of girl to ask out.

It will be hard for anybody to say anything reassuring to you right now Montrose. You will be going through a process that sucks. Honestly, you will have more low points before it gets better based on what your personality seems be. However, it WILL get better and you will be the much better person for it.

Thanks man. I think I realize this, and everyone keeps saying it to me as well. I just wish I could fast forward through all of this.

The best thing you can do is turn all the attention that you were giving to her, back on to yourself. Take care of business back East. Expand on the things you enjoy, like the DWill Teen Center work for example. Do more in the real World and less in the online world.

Makes a lot of sense, I suppose the more involved I get the better I'll be for it. I do, however, cherish having this online community. I can't tell you how soothing it's been to be able to say this stuff on here this morning. Talking about it helps me deal with it, and being able to type things out lets me simply brain dump.

When you least expect it, the next one will come along for you. People can sense when somebody is happy with their life and are drawn to them. It is attractive to see somebody 'doing their thing' rather than initially have 'their thing' be based on a relationship.

I believe this. Certainly getting more things going on in my life will help. Again, I just wish I could expedite the process but I know life doesn't work that way.

One of my own rules to help you get through this....Never, ever, ever call or write her again. Close that Chapter forever, no matter what she does to contact you. She will probably, at some point, reach out to you to 'check on you'. Whether this is done due to her guilt, due to her realizing she still wants you back, due to her being lonely, due to another relationship she was moving towards not ending the way see wanted...or any one of a number of reasons...no good will come from communicating with her. No matter who initiates it.

I've been thinking this over and I'll have to say she was very fair in the way she presented it to me. She was open to staying friends or me never talking to her again. She has my keys and I have hers, along with some other things. She still offered to pick me up from the airport but I don't think I could handle that. She offered to mail me my keys, but I do think some closure would do me a bit of good. I don't harbor ill will, so it would be nice to exchange stuff and say good bye in person. By the same token, it would be tough as well. The initial break up call lasted less than 10 minutes, I was just so stunned I didn't know what to say so I took my standard PR approach and that was that. After an hour run I called back and we spoke for about 90 minutes in which I basically begged her for another chance. We spoke for a long time about why she was doing this and my vantage point of it as well. At the end of the day she kept telling me that this was for my own good, we're not right for each other, etc. We chatted for about two lines on Facebook last night as she took down all of our pictures and ended the virtual declaration of our relationship. I tried calling two more times last night but went to VM, in which I left one last message. She sent me an e-mail on Facebook this morning telling me she took down the pictures and if there were anymore I saw that I wanted off to tell her. On a side note, I'm not sure if I should even remain Facebook friends with her as I find myself glued to her profile right now. That's pretty much been it. I'm very torn, staring at my phone praying she'll call - but knowing she probably won't.

The way I see it is that she did you a favor. Why invest one more birthday, holiday, or anniversary with someone who is not the one?

I guess that's what she thought too.

It will hurt for a while, but don't let it keep you down. Do social things, go to a pumpkin patch, do something new that you have never tried. Don't go looking for the right person, don't even look, when you stop looking that is when you will find the right person.

I just wish I could get through this stuff here in MD and get back to Denver to move on. I have to spend the next 4-6 weeks transitioning and dealing with this stuff without the opportunity to try new things and meet new people. This sucks more than I could ever imagine. Officially, worse than the SD thrashing in December.

A) There is not one person for each of us. There are lots and lots. Just be honest about what you are and what you want.

I think I believe this, I have to or I've got no hope. I just want to find that person so badly.

B) If you need to go through all the machinations as you did for Valentines Day it is never going to work. If you ever buy an engagement ring, Get one that is just OK. Then if she complains or is any way anything less than ecstatic you know she is not the right girl. The ring should make here ecstatic not because it is a big diamond but because it is a commitment.

I need to clarify something here. She was never the one who asked for those things, I did that on my own. I'm the one who put that pressure on myself. Not once did she ask for any of it and I highly doubt she would've complained about me not reaching the bar I set for myself. This was an issue I had, not her. I do agree in everything you've said here though.

C) Look at backgrounds. This is more important than people give credence to. If you don't like the Circus don't marry the Clowns daughter no matter how hot she is.

Without question her family was a huge concern of mine. They were nice, but intrusive. My major fear long term was that I would be heading into an Everybody Loves Raymond situation and that would've been bad for me. Nonetheless, much of my bad feeling today is that I honestly don't think we exhausted this with everything we had - and living with regrets sucks.

D) Find women where you are. If you like sports marry a waitress in a sports bar. Or a Girl on the opposing softball team.

Now this makes some sense. It would be amazing to have a girl that I could talk about sports too.

E) Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

Why so? What's special about this book?

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 07:32 AM
Montrose, I agree with everyone that says you need to focus on yourself right now. It sounds to me like the last thing you need in your life is another woman complicating things. In 2007 I broke up with a girl I dated all through high school and I felt everything you're feeling now, so believe me I know.

Here's what I'd do.

- Again, forget about the women. Unless you find a no-strings attached fling, just don't even bother with them.

- Focus on your self, especially improving yourself. Go out and make some new friends and stay busy with them.

- Join a gym. Not only is it a great stress reliever, but you'll get in better shape and boost your confidence. This should be #1 with a bullet!

- Again, STAY BUSY! You don't want a bunch of alone/idle time to be miserable.

Buddy, you're only 2 years older than me. The last thing you should be worried about is finding a potential future wife. You should be out furthering your career/education and having a blast. Also, it appears you are a virgin. Personally, I wouldn't want to wait til marriage in this day and age. Not only will your chances of finding a woman who has done the same be very small, but it just doesn't give you enough chance to know yourself. I'm not saying to just throw your virginity at the first whore who spreads her legs for you, but you probably aren't doing yourself any favors by waiting.

Ultimately you need to look to your guy friends for support right now. Unlike women, when we find out that you just got dumped, we don't coddle you and feed you comfort food. Us men will get you out there having a good time and your mind off the evil bitch that screwed you over. We will take care of you!

As far as the drinking, I say get used to it. You don't have to get drunk all the time (or even at all) but I can tell you from experience that going out to throw a few back with the guys at a bar is a good thing to have after a breakup. There are countless beers and mixed drinks out there...find something you like.

Another thing I can't stress enough is to look at this the right way. Instead of looking at this as a bad thing, realize that you are in the prime of your life and the ball and chain has just been severed from your leg!

Good luck brother.

Archer81
04-14-2009, 07:34 AM
Montrose,

You will be fine. Try to relax as much as possible and try to be low key about things. Spend time with family and just try to relax. If you and the exGF admittedly did not fit together well, then its not much of a loss. Hang in there duder.

SureShot
04-14-2009, 07:35 AM
I think you should give the "drunken sex" thing a shot.

How can you understand the other side of the values coin until you've been there? :)

What if he doesn't remember it, he will have to start all over. Wait nevermind that works perfectly!

Mogulseeker
04-14-2009, 07:39 AM
Hey can I ask you how you met her?

To me that's the hardest part - meeting girls then establishing something. don't know if that will make you feel better... there will be others.

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 07:40 AM
What if he doesn't remember it, he will have to start all over. Wait nevermind that works perfectly!

You son of a bitch, that was in confidence!

There are some parts that I remember. :wiggle:

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 07:41 AM
Here is another tip Montrose. Cut this woman out of your life completely. I understand that you will have to meet with her when you get back to Denver to get each other's stuff back, but between now and then, and after that, you should not have ANY contact with her. She's now an ex, so remove her from your life. It will make getting over her much easier and you won't have the temptation to try and win her back.

BREAK OFF COMMUNICATION!!!

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 07:44 AM
Here is another tip Montrose. Cut this woman out of your life completely. I understand that you will have to meet with her when you get back to Denver to get each other's stuff back, but between now and then, and after that, you should not have ANY contact with her. She's now an ex, so remove her from your life. It will make getting over her much easier and you won't have the temptation to try and win her back.

BREAK OFF COMMUNICATION!!!

Screw that. Give it time to blow over and then use her for an emergency screw. I always break up on swell terms just so I can keep my emergency reservoir filled.

SureShot
04-14-2009, 07:44 AM
You son of a b****, that was in confidence!

There are some parts that I remember. :wiggle:

:spit:

Seriously Montrose get past the sweatpants stage and get to the strip/club bar scene as soon as possible. You don't have to drink just throw some game around and get some numbers.

dbfan21
04-14-2009, 07:46 AM
It will be hard for anybody to say anything reassuring to you right now Montrose. You will be going through a process that sucks. Honestly, you will have more low points before it gets better based on what your personality seems be. However, it WILL get better and you will be the much better person for it.

The best thing you can do is turn all the attention that you were giving to her, back on to yourself. Take care of business back East. Expand on the things you enjoy, like the DWill Teen Center work for example. Do more in the real World and less in the online world.

When you least expect it, the next one will come along for you. People can sense when somebody is happy with their life and are drawn to them. It is attractive to see somebody 'doing their thing' rather than initially have 'their thing' be based on a relationship.

One of my own rules to help you get through this....Never, ever, ever call or write her again. Close that Chapter forever, no matter what she does to contact you. She will probably, at some point, reach out to you to 'check on you'. Whether this is done due to her guilt, due to her realizing she still wants you back, due to her being lonely, due to another relationship she was moving towards not ending the way see wanted...or any one of a number of reasons...no good will come from communicating with her. No matter who initiates it.

That Chapter of your Life is over...but the book has just started brutha!

It WILL get better.

Montrose...this is the best advice yet. Worm is 100% correct in saying that you should do more in the real world for yourself. Get out there. Mix it up, mingle, have fun doing things YOU enjoy. You are bound to meet someone who shares your same passions. And do not communicate with your ex...it will only complicate matters!

I dated a ton of girls in high school and college. During that process, I was able to whittle down the things I liked and didn't like in women. Unbelievably, I was looking for two qualities out of the normal "required" attributes of being pretty, funny and personable. This is going to sound crazy, but my pre-requisites were (a) She had to be able to enjoy a beer with me every now-and-then, and (b) She had to appreciate the game of football.

It was so simple, but I found my wife when I least wanted to and when I least expected to. I was doing my own thing and having fun with life, then all of a sudden, she appeared in my life. We'll be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary next week.

The moral of the story is that, while this hurts right now, it will get much better and you will find someone worth spending the rest of your life with who values you for who you are and what your passionate about...who won't make you change your whole world just for her.

Hang in there brother!!

meangene
04-14-2009, 07:49 AM
Nothing anybody says is going to make you feel better right now. That's ok - you have a right to grieve what you thought you had. Realize, though, that the relationship was not really right for you, or her. Time is the only thing that will make you feel better. And it will. Don't go out looking for a relationship to replace this one. That would be a mistake. Just let yourself heal and you will know when you are ready to date again.

You have to be able to be happy by yourself. It takes time to get comfortable with that. I know. I have been through a couple failed marriages and many more failed relationships. I finally learned to stop forcing things and just enjoy doing the things I like doing. You will be amazed how many people you meet with common interests. I guess what I'm saying is that patience is the key with all of this. It took me almost 40 years to learn that. Hopefully, you will learn it quicker.

I met the woman of my dreams at 45 - and she was worth waiting for. Patience, my man. I doubt you will have to wait that long!

400HZ
04-14-2009, 07:53 AM
Bars - You don't meet girlfriends there.



It's ridiculous to attach any type of stigma to that when you are 24. Almost all girls in their 20s want to go out and have a fun Friday night or Saturday night with their friends, and going to bars and clubs is what people that age do. Being out past 10 o'clock imbibing does not say anything about a girl except that she likes to have fun. It doesn't mean that she's a skank. It means that she's a healthy, normal young adult. It's pretty easy to tell the alcoholics and sluts apart from the rest. And beyond that, if you think that alcohol doesn't lubricate the socializing process (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you are crazy.

Bar chicks:

A) Like to have fun and usually know how to have fun. That doesn't mean having sex with new people all the time, it means going out and tearing it up and enjoying themselves. It is MUCH more fun to date someone who is willing and able to enjoy themselves. More clingy dudes have trouble with this, but you can't have a meaningful relationship if you don't trust your partner.

B) Have their own friends. This is crucial to any real relationship. Being around a chick 24/7 because neither of you has anyone else to hang with is 100% guaranteed to ruin a relationship when you are young. And being apart doesn't mean texting each other all night long and making your friends think you are a lame ass.

C) Are usually not clingers. At least not as often as girls who are constantly in relationships. If you have never been with one of those chicks who has an aggregate total of like 10 weeks as a single person going back to 8th grade then you don't know what clingy is. Mutual clinginess never, ever, ever creates a healthy enjoyable relationship.

..for what it's worth..

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 07:56 AM
It's ridiculous to attach any type of stigma to that when you are 24. Almost all girls in their 20s want to go out and have a fun Friday night or Saturday night with their friends, and going to bars and clubs is what people that age do. Being out past 10 o'clock imbibing does not say anything about a girl except that she likes to have fun. It doesn't mean that she's a skank. It means that she's a healthy, normal young adult. It's pretty easy to tell the alcoholics and sluts apart from the rest. And beyond that, if you think that alcohol doesn't lubricate the socializing process (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you are crazy.

Bar chicks:

A) Like to have fun and usually know how to have fun. That doesn't mean having sex with new people all the time, it means going out and tearing it up and enjoying themselves. It is MUCH more fun to date someone who is willing and able to enjoy themselves. More clingy dudes have trouble with this, but you can't have a meaningful relationship if you don't trust your partner.

B) Have their own friends. This is crucial to any real relationship. Being around a chick 24/7 because neither of you has anyone else to hang with is 100% guaranteed to ruin a relationship when you are young. And being apart doesn't mean texting each other all night long and making your friends think you are a lame ass.

C) Are usually not clingers. At least not as often as girls who are constantly in relationships. If you have never been with one of those chicks who has an aggregate total of like 10 weeks as a single person going back to 8th grade then you don't know what clingy is. Mutual clinginess never, ever, ever creates a healthy enjoyable relationship.

..for what it's worth..

You're a charger fan, so you obviously suck....but I'll be damned if this post isn't spot on.

:thumbsup:

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 07:57 AM
Screw that. Give it time to blow over and then use her for an emergency screw. I always break up on swell terms just so I can keep my emergency reservoir filled.

Normally, I'd agree...but this girl doesn't sound like she puts out. I think Montrose could find easier options.

Tombstone RJ
04-14-2009, 07:57 AM
Well for those who remember my entertaining Valentine's Day thread, I'm sure this one may be destined for glory. I suppose I'm just looking to vent right now.

My girlfriend of just under a year (my first) broke up with me last night, over the phone from Denver while I'm in Maryland for my Mom's surgery. Talk about getting hit by a ton of bricks. Her reasoning was that we're not right for each other as we don't have enough things in common and our long-term ideals may not match up - she wants to live in Grand Junction where her entire family is while I like Denver and would like to focus on my career. I'll certainly say many of her points are valid, our conversations have dwindled over the past few months - and I'll agree we don't have a ton in common. I'm obviously into sports, as well as comedy, technology and to a lesser extent politics while she's more into the arts like music and theater as well as reading. In the long run it may not have worked out well but I can't describe how bad I feel right now as we both said it wasn't a question of either of us caring for each other. I made the pivotal mistake of putting a relationship (with anyone, quite frankly) up on a pedestal for so many years that when I found someone who matched my values I through myself into it with everything I had. I'm certain I "set the bar too high" as was discussed in the Valentine's Day thread, but I was so insecure and paranoid about getting it to work that I put every effort into winning her over. That's what made Valentine's Day, for example, such a challenge because it was kind of a "how am I going to top that?" scenario.

Not only does the thought of losing her sicken my stomach, but I honestly don't know how badly this will effect my actual life. I moved to Denver, alone, and she was the focal point of my social world which is probably why I'm starting a ridiculously long thread on a Denver Broncos message board. I feel like I not only lost my girlfriend, but my best and only friend in many regards. The only other friends I've got in the Denver area are my buddy Jon (lives in Fort Collins), Apa (married) and Kahn (married) which makes things very difficult. I suppose I was going to be losing her to Grand Junction soon anyhow, but it doesn't make things any better.

Compounding matters include the fact I'm having one of the worst weeks I could ever imagine. After finding a great deal of clarity and relief in that I'd be dropping my worst and more stressful client - I found out I have to keep them to survive financially, then my nice new cell phone winds up shorting out on me due to apparent water damage, I had to pay about $8,000 in taxes yesterday and tomorrow my mother goes into surgery to see if she has cancer or some other medical issue. Sunday evening, I told myself the one good thing I had going through this was my girlfriend. Not exactly the best time to have to deal with this but in her words, she did this now over the phone so that I would be here in Maryland with family and friends to support me instead of doing it while I'm alone in Denver. One of the worst parts is that I'm stuck here in Maryland until the 30th, then I'm back to Denver, then I've got to get to Montrose for jury duty on May 13th, then I'm back to Maryland the next week for my sister's graduation. I won't have a chance to fully settle in and begin moving on in Denver until about June which just makes the recovery process that much worse.

I have such a range of emotions right now I can't even describe it. I saw this possibly coming, someday, when it felt more mutual. Instead this hits me completely out of left field when I can afford it least. While I certainly recognize the differences we had, I suppose I took them as simple progressions in a long-term relationship. I looked for a girlfriend for such a long time, while it wasn't everything I envisioned (she wasn't super affectionate or very physical for example), it certainly beat the sh*t out of playing Xbox by myself on Friday nights. I suppose I'm trying to tell myself it will be easy to move on and this is no different than the way I felt after the San Diego thrashing in December, but right now I'm so incredibly devastated I don't even know how I'll make it through the week - let alone the ceremonial "returning of keys and other stuff" I'm facing when I get back to Denver. I just wish I could get back to Denver right now so I can packup the pictures, gifts, e-mails, CD's, etc. and put them in a storage unit never to be seen again.

I didn't want to be a guy who dated around or was in a million relationships. I was more than happy to find a person I was comfortable with and go from there and that's all gone now. Did she have faults? Of course, so do I. I think what makes this the worst is that I see it's probably the right thing. What scares me the most though, is the thought of having to go back to that awful, awful place of being all alone in a big city again. I found her on eHarmony, which was a long and drawn-out process to find the right one. I spent the last year planning a future together and in one night it all disappeared. I have no idea how to find the right person for me because I feel as though I've exhausted my options. Perhaps I have the confidence to now walk up to a girl and ask her out, which I didn't have before. Although I'm not one motivated by physical appearance but rather the emotional connection. I didn't even see a good picture of my girlfriend before I met her and I was in love before we met because of the month of e-mailing each other back and forth. How am I supposed to find that same thing with some random person I meet on the street?

I'm sure I'll hear a million breakup stories and I'm already hearing the standard responses from people. Oh and FYI, although I know it wont stop things, the response to 1) go get wasted and/or 2) go get laid, really aren't going to apply here. Despite the fact that I know this is a part of life and being in relationships, it certainly doesn't change the way I feel right now. This is one of the lowest moments of my entire life.

I need some help guys.

Dude, its gonna hurt for a while, but trust a guy who has been around the block a time or two: you'll be fine.

You've got too many good things going for you to let this break up keep you down.

I'm a person who always looks at the cup as half full. I mean, just look at how I support the Broncos... cup is always half full, not half empty.

First things first: count your blessings. It's easy to feel down after getting dumped, but I always try to look at what I have, not what I don't have.

Count your blessings, for surely, they are many. Then, regroup and get back on track with the things you do love in life like your family, your job, your interests.

In other words, stay grounded.

After a little while, you won't feel so bad and you may come to realize that she was right. After all, it takes two to make a relationship work and if her heart is not in it, then your fighting a battle you will never win. Better to break up now, then move the relationship foward into false marriage.

Hope that helps.

Archer81
04-14-2009, 07:58 AM
Montrose, is this the first girl you have ever been intimate with?


:Broncos:

TheElusiveKyleOrton
04-14-2009, 08:04 AM
Just make sure, whoever you hang out with, that she mows the lawn.

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TheDave
04-14-2009, 08:09 AM
Seems like as good a time as any for the infamous break up letter... ;D



Dear Susan,


I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot
of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as
one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our
hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two
weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I
don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth spent in competitive figure skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect
body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see
what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a
better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd
never really thought of that before. I Do know, maybe I'm just
growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but
something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so
incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do
you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan,
I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of
you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what
she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a
few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in
our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's
giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not
hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's
old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too.
'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on
the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never
used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in
general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really
is. So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured
you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness
between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby
sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan.
In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can
you let me know where the remote control is.

John

PRBronco
04-14-2009, 08:09 AM
Stay strong buddy, I know it doesn't seem like it, but things will turn out better than they were before. Try and stay positive!

SouthStndJunkie
04-14-2009, 08:12 AM
Welcome to the club....it sucks....but it is part of life and is a good experience to learn from.

You will be better off down the line as a result of this life experience.

baja
04-14-2009, 08:16 AM
My milion dollar advice. She broke up with you, now you will have plenty of time to examine the rights and wrongs by both of you inthe relationship. Look deep within yourself, times like this provide the ultimate growth of a person. From how it sounds, a couple of rough months are ahead of you. Just remember not to try to block it out, let your body naturally heal and don't repress your emotions. Don't rush into something else to try to make yourself feel better, that won't be fair to you or whoever else you are dating and it won't help either. Grieving is a process, let it take place. Don't hold on to the pictures and notes and all that garbage, and even if you want her back don't contact her. Time will tell how special what you both had was. <b> Also remember that when someone leaves your life, it opens up for someone new, which will 10 out of 10 times be a better fit for you as you are now more aware of you and your wants in relationships.

Cheers and never let them see you sweat.

This is good advise except for the 10 out of 10 part.

We chose the same teacher/partner over and over until we learn whatever it is we need to learn.

PS I am sure everybody here feels your pain montrose and the women that does get you will have a good man

Pony Boy
04-14-2009, 08:17 AM
Well, at least she didn't break up with you in a text message.
My old football coach use to tell us that "p***Y" is undefeated, he knew he couldn't get between a player and his girlfriend.
He also said if women didn't have a "p***Y" there would be a bounty on them. You can always relate anything to football.

alkemical
04-14-2009, 08:20 AM
Why so? What's special about this book?

There's this book too:


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;)

Sounds silly - but that's some of the best advice i can pass on.

colonelbeef
04-14-2009, 08:21 AM
This is, bar none, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Soak it in.

this.

Get a haircut, hit the gym, clean up your car, and go out and enjoy your newfound freedom. Meeting new women is extremely fun.

Rev, your avatar still kills me

Old Dude
04-14-2009, 08:29 AM
So let me see if I understand this.

She's not really that much into you. You guys had few common interests, did not want to live in the same region of the state, and were not sexually active.

You're only 24 but you're worried you can't do better than that?

Dude ...

SouthStndJunkie
04-14-2009, 08:30 AM
It seems like a big deal now, but you will be just fine.

Your problem was that you put the pussy on a pedestal and treated it and her like it/she was a queen.

Chicks like attention to a certain point, but a doormat turns them off. You falling all over yourself to impress and win her over intrigued her for a while, but after a certain point, it is a major turnoff for women. Contrary to popular belief, most don't like that. It sounds to me like you wanted to wait for sex....are you sure she wanted to?

I had a girl once that I tried winning over much the way you did (back when I was 19 or 20). I tried being the nice guy and buying her crap and all that stuff.....she did not respect it. So, I started dating/****ing other girls that she knew and it drove her nuts. She dated another guy and I acted like it was no big deal and made it a point of telling her about my escapades.....bottom line....it drove her nuts....it was like an aphrodisiac to her. I had turned the tables and had her eating out my hand in no time. It was a lesson well learned and helped to land me some nice poon over the years.

Bottom line: Women are animals, just like men. They enjoy a little excitement and chase....rolling over like a meek dog and being submissive may intrigue them for a bit, but they will learn to dislike and eventually despise it.

I hope this makes sense.

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 08:32 AM
It seems like a big deal now, but you will be just fine.

Your problem was that you put the p***Y on a pedestal and treated it and her like it/she was a queen.

Chicks like attention to a certain point, but a doormat turns them off. You falling all over yourself to impress and win her over intrigued her for a while, but after a certain point, it is a major turnoff for women. Contrary to popular belief, most don't like that. It sounds to me like you wanted to wait for sex....are you sure she wanted to?

I had a girl once that I tried winning over much the way you did (back when I was 19 or 20). I tried being the nice guy and buying her crap and all that stuff.....she did not respect it. So, I started dating/****ing other girls that she knew and it drove her nuts. She dated another guy and I acted like it was no big deal and made it a point of telling her about my escapades.....bottom line....it drove her nuts....it was like an aphrodisiac to her. I had turned the tables and had her eating out my hand in no time. It was a lesson well learned and helped to land me some nice poon over the years.

Bottom line: Women are animals, just like men. They enjoy a little excitement and chase....rolling over like a meek dog and being submissive may intrigue them for a bit, but they will learn to dislike and eventually despise it.

I hope this makes sense.

Amen brother.

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 08:34 AM
So let me see if I understand this.

She's not really that much into you. You guys had few common interests, did not want to live in the same region of the state, and were not sexually active.

You're only 24 but you're worried you can't do better than that?

Dude ...

Kinda what I was thinking. At least the one I broke up with loved to get it on, LOL.

Beantown Bronco
04-14-2009, 08:40 AM
I didn't want to be a guy who dated around or was in a million relationships.

24 years old.....1 girlfriend.

You shouldn't worry.

ak1971
04-14-2009, 08:42 AM
Seems like as good a time as any for the infamous break up letter... ;D

throat yogurt ROFL!

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 08:43 AM
throat yogurt ROFL!

I always loved that one.

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 08:47 AM
It's ridiculous to attach any type of stigma to that when you are 24. Almost all girls in their 20s want to go out and have a fun Friday night or Saturday night with their friends, and going to bars and clubs is what people that age do. Being out past 10 o'clock imbibing does not say anything about a girl except that she likes to have fun. It doesn't mean that she's a skank. It means that she's a healthy, normal young adult. It's pretty easy to tell the alcoholics and sluts apart from the rest. And beyond that, if you think that alcohol doesn't lubricate the socializing process (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you are crazy.

Bar chicks:

A) Like to have fun and usually know how to have fun. That doesn't mean having sex with new people all the time, it means going out and tearing it up and enjoying themselves. It is MUCH more fun to date someone who is willing and able to enjoy themselves. More clingy dudes have trouble with this, but you can't have a meaningful relationship if you don't trust your partner.

B) Have their own friends. This is crucial to any real relationship. Being around a chick 24/7 because neither of you has anyone else to hang with is 100% guaranteed to ruin a relationship when you are young. And being apart doesn't mean texting each other all night long and making your friends think you are a lame ass.

C) Are usually not clingers. At least not as often as girls who are constantly in relationships. If you have never been with one of those chicks who has an aggregate total of like 10 weeks as a single person going back to 8th grade then you don't know what clingy is. Mutual clinginess never, ever, ever creates a healthy enjoyable relationship.

..for what it's worth..

http://www.jonathanandanna.org/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/judges10.jpg

Broncos_OTM
04-14-2009, 08:48 AM
i just was recently divorced. while it sucks sometimes i cant hate on it to much as i have had a blast. i have come to my realization that some people are made for relationships and some are not. i am one of those who is not. lol its all about me now.

Pony Boy
04-14-2009, 08:49 AM
Some guys think all women are cheating on them but I totality trust my wife the good ones are hard to find. Hang in there you will find happiness like I did.

rugbythug
04-14-2009, 08:50 AM
i just was recently divorced. while it sucks sometimes i cant hate on it to much as i have had a blast. i have come to my realization that some people are made for relationships and some are not. i am one of those who is not. lol its all about me now.

Here's Hoping you don't have any kids.

rugbythug
04-14-2009, 08:53 AM
As to your reply about "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

This book has changed my life more than any other short of the Bible. It is an easy read. Just pick it up and go through it. It helps you communicate better. And that is what a relationship is all about. It was written in the 1920's so it is not some fad.

Tombstone RJ
04-14-2009, 08:55 AM
There are other fish in the sea my man. Lot's and lots of tuna... go fishing and eat well my friend.

SouthStndJunkie
04-14-2009, 09:00 AM
I would love to be 24 and single again.

What a great period of time in your life that you are in....don't spend any of it pouting about that chick.

baja
04-14-2009, 09:03 AM
It seems like a big deal now, but you will be just fine.

Your problem was that you put the p***Y on a pedestal and treated it and her like it/she was a queen.

Chicks like attention to a certain point, but a doormat turns them off. You falling all over yourself to impress and win her over intrigued her for a while, but after a certain point, it is a major turnoff for women. Contrary to popular belief, most don't like that. It sounds to me like you wanted to wait for sex....are you sure she wanted to?

I had a girl once that I tried winning over much the way you did (back when I was 19 or 20). I tried being the nice guy and buying her crap and all that stuff.....she did not respect it. So, I started dating/****ing other girls that she knew and it drove her nuts. She dated another guy and I acted like it was no big deal and made it a point of telling her about my escapades.....bottom line....it drove her nuts....it was like an aphrodisiac to her. I had turned the tables and had her eating out my hand in no time. It was a lesson well learned and helped to land me some nice poon over the years.

Bottom line: Women are animals, just like men. They enjoy a little excitement and chase....rolling over like a meek dog and being submissive may intrigue them for a bit, but they will learn to dislike and eventually despise it.

I hope this makes sense.

Unless she is a dog of course.

baja
04-14-2009, 09:04 AM
If you didn't have sex with her you don't know what you are missing, maybe you are the lucky one, ever think of that?

montrose
04-14-2009, 09:14 AM
Ya I wouldnt look either. Something will happen. Your in the number one city for single people in Denver, Colorado. Denver has won that award back to back years. Dont worry about her social network. I moved to 2 different places with not knowing anyone. You just gotta get outside your comfort zone and meet people. Start at work, but if you gotta, go on craigslist and join a softball team, or flag football. Or just go out to bars and talk to people. That one sux and I have never done it, but my friend moved to Denver and did that and now he knows just as many people as I do and I grew up in Denver. Gotta be like Nike, and Just Do it.

Good ideas, thanks.

From how it sounds, a couple of rough months are ahead of you. Just remember not to try to block it out, let your body naturally heal and don't repress your emotions.

God this is going to really suck.

Don't rush into something else to try to make yourself feel better, that won't be fair to you or whoever else you are dating and it won't help either.

I agree, that wouldn't be a wise move.

Don't hold on to the pictures and notes and all that garbage,

This would be hard to do. Even if I never see it again, those things mean so much to me I couldn't imagine throwing them away.

even if you want her back don't contact her.

I don't plan on doing so until I'm back in Denver to get my keys. But if she calls me I can't promise I won't pick up the phone.

Time will tell how special what you both had was. Also remember that when someone leaves your life, it opens up for someone new, which will 10 out of 10 times be a better fit for you as you are now more aware of you and your wants in relationships.

I hope you're right.

Montrose, call me when you're up.

Thanks for the call, it meant a lot.

You'll need time to mourn the breakup and move on. And that's ok. It takes time.

I'm beginning to realize that more and more. There is no quick answer here. Just a whole lot of pain.

It sounds like you've felt things dwindling in recent months and so you saw this coming to a degree. That doesn't always help, but it might help you accept it.

I did, as we spoke of on the phone. I suppose that, in time, it will help me better accept it.

Don't worry about "process of finding someone" yet. You're not there and need time to chill.

I know you and everyone else is right on this. To use a football analogy, this feels the way I felt after we lost the 05 AFCCG. We spend all year on this site following the team and to get that far and lose was devastating, but what made it worse was knowing I had to get back on the Mane that night and we start the process all over again. Finding someone new isn't at the forefront of my mind today, but the fear of facing the process again is certainly a thought running through my brain. I'm trying my best to focus on closure with her first.

Just takes some time, be with your family in this tough period and let things pass. In a few months you'll be ok and eventually you'll be back on your feet.

You're such an incredible person, I can't tell you how much I value our friendship.

Montrose, I agree with everyone that says you need to focus on yourself right now. It sounds to me like the last thing you need in your life is another woman complicating things.

This seems to be the overwhelming sentiment, and considering he history of my 24-year life - not having a girlfriend shouldn't be too difficult to accomplish.

Again, forget about the women. Unless you find a no-strings attached fling, just don't even bother with them.

Right now, I've got to deal with my job, my mom's surgery and my travel. I couldn't seek out a new woman if I wanted too. The fling thing just isn't going to happen, not in my nature.

Focus on your self, especially improving yourself. Go out and make some new friends and stay busy with them.

I agree this would be good for me. That's why I wish I could get back to Denver now. Instead I have to deal with this (and a whole lot more) without having the opportunity to focus on myself for the next few weeks. Furthering matters is that I'm soon to see the rest of my family and go through the wonderful process of reliving the breakup again.

Join a gym. Not only is it a great stress reliever, but you'll get in better shape and boost your confidence. This should be #1 with a bullet!

Funny enough, I canceled my gym membership a few days ago as the weather's been getting better and I need to save the money. It's still active until June so I'm sure I'll be in there but in the meantime I'll be hitting the courts and a park or two to keep in shape.

Again, STAY BUSY! You don't want a bunch of alone/idle time to be miserable.

Well, the traveling I've got will certainly keep me busy. I just wish I could go get involved in something today. Like a basketball team or something. Unfortunately I'm stuck in my parents basement for 4 of the next 6 weeks.

Buddy, you're only 2 years older than me. The last thing you should be worried about is finding a potential future wife. You should be out furthering your career/education and having a blast.

I suppose this is all part of the grieving process.

Also, it appears you are a virgin. Personally, I wouldn't want to wait til marriage in this day and age. Not only will your chances of finding a woman who has done the same be very small, but it just doesn't give you enough chance to know yourself. I'm not saying to just throw your virginity at the first whore who spreads her legs for you, but you probably aren't doing yourself any favors by waiting.

To be honest, as I wrote previously, I would've had no regrets if I had made love to my girlfriend. She would've been a good person to have my 1st time with. With that, I now value my virginity more than ever so I'm really going to want to find a special person before I give it up.

Ultimately you need to look to your guy friends for support right now. Unlike women, when we find out that you just got dumped, we don't coddle you and feed you comfort food. Us men will get you out there having a good time and your mind off the evil b**** that screwed you over. We will take care of you!

I'm going to reach out to my friends while I'm still here. Unfortunately I can't do any of that until my mom's surgery is over.

As far as the drinking, I say get used to it. You don't have to get drunk all the time (or even at all) but I can tell you from experience that going out to throw a few back with the guys at a bar is a good thing to have after a breakup. There are countless beers and mixed drinks out there...find something you like.

I've got no issue with drinking, it's just not for me. I'm sure there are beers and mixed drinks I would like - I just don't see a ton of value in it. The times I've been drunk haven't adversely improved my evening, so I'd just rather save my money and avoid the scene.

Another thing I can't stress enough is to look at this the right way. Instead of looking at this as a bad thing, realize that you are in the prime of your life and the ball and chain has just been severed from your leg!

Well looking at it the right way for me would be a bit different. Not once did I feel like she was my ball and chain. The most optimistic way I can approach this is that if I wasn't going to end up with her the sooner this thing broke off the better in the long run. That's the best way I can look at it.

Hey can I ask you how you met her?

eHarmony, e-mailed for approx. 1 month before first in-person date at a bagel shop for breakfast in Grand Junction.

To me that's the hardest part - meeting girls then establishing something. don't know if that will make you feel better... there will be others.

It's obviously hard for me too seeing I was desperate to meet someone for 23 years and only found a person through a dating website.

Here is another tip Montrose. Cut this woman out of your life completely. I understand that you will have to meet with her when you get back to Denver to get each other's stuff back, but between now and then, and after that, you should not have ANY contact with her. She's now an ex, so remove her from your life. It will make getting over her much easier and you won't have the temptation to try and win her back.

BREAK OFF COMMUNICATION!!!

Man everyone seems to be saying this. Again, I don't plan on reaching out to her again until I'm back in town and need my keys. But I just couldn't imagine ignoring her call if it came through on my phone - which I don't think it will.

Screw that. Give it time to blow over and then use her for an emergency screw.

Probably not the best idea for two cherries Rev.

Montrose...this is the best advice yet. Worm is 100% correct in saying that you should do more in the real world for yourself. Get out there. Mix it up, mingle, have fun doing things YOU enjoy. You are bound to meet someone who shares your same passions.

That's my hope.

And do not communicate with your ex...it will only complicate matters!

And another vote for this.

The moral of the story is that, while this hurts right now, it will get much better and you will find someone worth spending the rest of your life with who values you for who you are and what your passionate about...who won't make you change your whole world just for her.

I really hope so. She certainly valued me for me - in fact that was the thing I enjoyed the most out of this relationship. I just think, in her eyes, we weren't good enough friends to make it work. If we weren't discussing the relationship, there wasn't much to discuss. I tried to take an interest in her fields as she did mine, but that never felt completely natural. My point was that I believed it was just a natural progression of the relationship that would be worked through with communication. Obviously she felt differently.

It's ridiculous to attach any type of stigma to that when you are 24. Almost all girls in their 20s want to go out and have a fun Friday night or Saturday night with their friends, and going to bars and clubs is what people that age do. Being out past 10 o'clock imbibing does not say anything about a girl except that she likes to have fun. It doesn't mean that she's a skank. It means that she's a healthy, normal young adult. It's pretty easy to tell the alcoholics and sluts apart from the rest. And beyond that, if you think that alcohol doesn't lubricate the socializing process (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you are crazy.

I've got nothing against girls that go out clubbing or drinking, it's just that since I'm not into that scene it doesn't seem like too good of a fit for me but it might be for someone else.

You've got too many good things going for you to let this break up keep you down.

That's really nice of you, thanks!

First things first: count your blessings. It's easy to feel down after getting dumped, but I always try to look at what I have, not what I don't have.

Count your blessings, for surely, they are many. Then, regroup and get back on track with the things you do love in life like your family, your job, your interests.

That is a good way of putting things. I think it's hard for me to do that right now with the rest of my life sucking so badly, but it could always be worse.

After a little while, you won't feel so bad and you may come to realize that she was right. After all, it takes two to make a relationship work and if her heart is not in it, then your fighting a battle you will never win. Better to break up now, then move the relationship forward into false marriage.

You just summarized what I keep saying to myself over and over and over again.

Montrose, is this the first girl you have ever been intimate with?

I suppose it depends on the definition of intimate. In high school and college, I messed around with a few girls. Never anything serious and barely went beyond making out. This is the first girl I loved, and the first one that I did "things" with.

So let me see if I understand this.

She's not really that much into you. You guys had few common interests, did not want to live in the same region of the state, and were not sexually active.

You're only 24 but you're worried you can't do better than that?

Dude ...

It's not that she wasn't "into me". She didn't see things ending well and wanted to get out know before more feelings were invested. One thing she said to me was that she was very tired, and I can respect that because I know how hard she worked on getting her Masters. Certainly the things you listed don't add up and I'm not so much worried about not doing better - but rather finding a better fit. If that makes sense.

Your problem was that you put the p***Y on a pedestal and treated it and her like it/she was a queen.

I think I certainly overvalued being in a relationship and put too much pressure on myself to make it work because I wanted one so badly. In the middle of the relationship, I began to question how much I loved her versus loved having a girlfriend. Only in the last few months, actually as problems arose, did I realize that I did truly and unconditionally love her.

Chicks like attention to a certain point, but a doormat turns them off. You falling all over yourself to impress and win her over intrigued her for a while, but after a certain point, it is a major turnoff for women. Contrary to popular belief, most don't like that.

I agree and was beginning to worry that I was becoming a doormat, although I don't think that's what prompted her to end it. Looking back, my impressing her early was honestly unnecessary. The nicest thing she ever said to me was that she liked that I was romantic but she had fallen in love with me because of who I was. That wasn't a card or anything, but just something that came up in the midst of conversation. I'll say this, if I'm fortunate to ever land in another relationship I'll certainly do this differently. That's not to say I won't do nice things, but I won't make winning her over my #1 priority in the relationship, and my life.

It sounds to me like you wanted to wait for sex....are you sure she wanted to?

She wanted to wait too, it was essentially the last major conversation we had before officially becoming a couple.

Bottom line: Women are animals, just like men. They enjoy a little excitement and chase....rolling over like a meek dog and being submissive may intrigue them for a bit, but they will learn to dislike and eventually despise it.

Again, I agree will note this for the future. But it became very apparent to me that the reasons she was ending this is she did not sense compatibility.

Beantown Bronco
04-14-2009, 09:17 AM
And the world record for most broken out replies in a single post goes to......

OBF1
04-14-2009, 09:20 AM
Stop moping around already. Just head to the local chick tree and pick one for the night or head to the lake and go fishing... They say there are plenty of fish in the lake.

jesus christ man you are 24 year old, Go ahead and nail all of her girlfriends then do the rest of the town... Not only will you get a clearer perspective of the fairer sex, but you will have the time of your life.

Where is Tom Leykas when you need him.

Natedogg
04-14-2009, 09:22 AM
Tough break man.

My advise echos what a lot of posters have said.

1. Break off communication. You dont want her to always be in the back of your mind.... Watch Swingers and you'll know what im talking about.

2. Join a sports league. Softball, pickup basket ball, even poker, anything so that you have one or two nights a week to look forward to competition. Funny how many more friends you will make and how much "un-lonely" you'll be.

3. Start doing coke and hanging out with strippers. :D

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 09:24 AM
Stop moping around already. Just head to the local chick tree and pick one for the night or head to the lake and go fishing... They say there are plenty of fish in the lake.

jesus christ man you are 24 year old, Go ahead and nail all of her girlfriends then do the rest of the town... Not only will you get a clearer perspective of the fairer sex, but you will have the time of your life.

Where is Tom Leykas when you need him.

Busy doing the same thing he's always done. Listening to Howard to figure out what he's going to rip off next! :wave:

SouthStndJunkie
04-14-2009, 09:28 AM
I'll say this, if I'm fortunate to ever land in another relationship I'll certainly do this differently.

Jesus Hubbard Christ....you will be in another relationship unless you suddenly decide to become a monk.

Also....quit thinking that you will be fortunate to be in another relationship....start thinking like someone will be fortunate to be in a relationship with you.

DenverBroncosJM
04-14-2009, 09:30 AM
It seems like a big deal now, but you will be just fine.

Your problem was that you put the p***Y on a pedestal and treated it and her like it/she was a queen.

Chicks like attention to a certain point, but a doormat turns them off. You falling all over yourself to impress and win her over intrigued her for a while, but after a certain point, it is a major turnoff for women. Contrary to popular belief, most don't like that. It sounds to me like you wanted to wait for sex....are you sure she wanted to?

I had a girl once that I tried winning over much the way you did (back when I was 19 or 20). I tried being the nice guy and buying her crap and all that stuff.....she did not respect it. So, I started dating/****ing other girls that she knew and it drove her nuts. She dated another guy and I acted like it was no big deal and made it a point of telling her about my escapades.....bottom line....it drove her nuts....it was like an aphrodisiac to her. I had turned the tables and had her eating out my hand in no time. It was a lesson well learned and helped to land me some nice poon over the years.

Bottom line: Women are animals, just like men. They enjoy a little excitement and chase....rolling over like a meek dog and being submissive may intrigue them for a bit, but they will learn to dislike and eventually despise it.

I hope this makes sense.

Montrose,

Whatís the rush man? You are 24 when i was 24 I was "terrified" of being married I am now 34 and engaged. You have many many Vegas trips and yes some lonely nights ahead of you do not rush it. This is the prime time for you! While Southstands response doesnít come across as the kind of thing you would/will do he has a very valid point. Women for the most part love the attention etc. but when you become a doormat it goes downhill fast.

One thing I would do is DO NOT see her. Box up all her stuff and mail it to her. I repeat no matter how badly you want to, or how many fantasies you have worked out in your mind that when you guys see each other everything will be great, donít do it.

First break ups are rough, you put so much effort in to something in a SHORT amount of time that yes you are going to feel the burn for awhile. the good thing is you have paid some dues and now you know what works and what doesnít in your next relationship.

Keep your head up man. And I hope your Mother is OK!


I never spread this around but if anyone needs to read this book Montrose I think you would benefit greatly from it. Its on Askmen.com and its called The System. I think the advice in the book would help you out a lot. Number one thing ? Be a Challenge!

24champ
04-14-2009, 09:35 AM
Here is another tip Montrose. Cut this woman out of your life completely. I understand that you will have to meet with her when you get back to Denver to get each other's stuff back, but between now and then, and after that, you should not have ANY contact with her. She's now an ex, so remove her from your life. It will make getting over her much easier and you won't have the temptation to try and win her back.

BREAK OFF COMMUNICATION!!!

This.

Believe me this works and helps out with the moving on stage after a breakup.

She's an ex, cut her out of your life completely. There's absolutely no point in keeping in touch with her. None.

DenverBroncosJM
04-14-2009, 09:36 AM
Tough break man.

My advise echos what a lot of posters have said.

1. Break off communication. You dont want her to always be in the back of your mind.... Watch Swingers and you'll know what im talking about.

2. Join a sports league. Softball, pickup basket ball, even poker, anything so that you have one or two nights a week to look forward to competition. Funny how many more friends you will make and how much "un-lonely" you'll be.

3. Start doing coke and hanging out with strippers. :D

Yah you gotta watch Swingers....

montrose
04-14-2009, 09:38 AM
Jesus Hubbard Christ....you will be in another relationship unless you suddenly decide to become a monk.

Also....quit thinking that you will be fortunate to be in another relationship....start thinking like someone will be fortunate to be in a relationship with you.

I suppose I said that as more of a figure of speech. Another relationship is always possible, and whoever I find will be lucky to have me.

Montrose, Whats the rush man? You are 24 when i was 24 I was "terrified" of being married I am now 34 and engaged. You have many many Vegas trips and yes some lonely nights ahead of you do not rush it.

Well I don't want to rush anything. It's just that I really, really enjoyed having someone to share my life with.

This is the prime time for you! While Southstands response doesnt come across as the kinda thing you would/will do he has a very valid point. Women for the most part love the attention etc. but when you become a doormat it goes downhill fast.

I agree, I don't think the doormat thing was the cause here but it's certainly a lesson for the future.

One thing I would do is DO NOT see her. Box up all her stuff and mail it to her. I repeat no matter how badly you want to, or how many fantasies you have worked out in your mind that when you guys see eachother everything will be great, dont do it.

I just can't commit to doing this yet. I am not, repeat am not, looking to see her to back together. But it would be nice to see her one last time in person to say goodbye so my lasting image isn't her walking away at DIA after dropping me off.

First break ups are rough, you put so much effort in to something in a SHORT amount of time that yes you are going to feel the burn for awhile. the good thing is you have paid some dues and now you know what works and what doesnt in your next relationship.

This is sound advice and one of the few positive things I'm taking from this relationship.

Crushaholic
04-14-2009, 09:39 AM
At least you aren't married. I had a few issues with my wife just in the last couple of days. Granted, they were probably festering for a long time, but they boiled over in the last couple of days. She supports my love for the Broncos, but that's about it. She was with me on Orangmane Weekend, purchased a Darrent Williams-signed football from eBay shortly after he was killed. That part of her is very cool. However, we have other issues that may eventually break us up (career goals, where to live, etc.). It's a good thing divorce is expensive, because that might have been the route taken. It's forcing us to work out our issues.

The bottom line is that she probably did you a favor by exposing the differences between you two before you walked the aisle. It will hurt for a while, but it's good for you in the long run...

Doggcow
04-14-2009, 09:40 AM
My first one like that I was pretty young. But I heard from her best friend that she cheated on me. That sucked.

I went through a dozen or so "things" over the next couple years. That was fun.

Next girl I found I've been with for 3.5 years, she's awesome.

outdoor_miner
04-14-2009, 09:44 AM
The one piece of advise I can offer is that you will never be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. I agree with the people who say to focus on yourself, but I think it means more than just doing things that please you... You need to find out about yourself... What defines your self-worth? What gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment? How can you become self-confident in a way that allows you to "do your thing" and be happy on your own? These things are different for everyone, but once you find it, you will find that women are attracted to you. Women love, above all else, self-confidence in men. Some love bravado (stay away from these women), and others just like men that are quietly confident that they "are who they are". To generalize: Women want to feel taken care of; that their man has a plan and a path and that he will make a happy life for them. This is why you see gorgeous women with unattractive men. It's because these men are confident in themselves, and are not seeking approval or validation from others. I'm not holding this up as some sort of thing to aspire to, but just using it as an example of how these things work (in my opinion).

The fact that you are in Denver alone is a good thing. You now have the opportunity to become yourself... Not what you historically have been, but what you want to be. When I lived in Denver, I was "stuck" in a way. I had an established group of friends that I did the exact same thing with over and over again. Go to LoDo... Look at the girls... Play basketball... The same people; the same scene over and over and over. Like you, I've never been looking for "one night stands", and my lifestyle just didn't fit with who I wanted to be. I loved my friends and still do, but they were holding me back in a way.

I moved to Boston with my best friend in 2000 (about the same age as you are now), and unbeknownst to me, he invited his ex-girlfriend to come out as well. I found out a couple days before we were going to leave, and was (as you would imagine) ridiculously pissed off. However, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I made new friends in Boston. People that were more in-line with the person I was becoming, not who I was in Junior High and High School. I learned how to live on my own. I learned what I loved about myself, and what my true beliefs were. The things I would never sacrifice for anyone. Not even for love. Along the way, I became more self-confident, and low-and-behold, I started meeting more girls. I was no longer chasing girls, nervous about how they would perceive me. I stopped caring what they thought, because I was proud of who I was. If I was interested in a girl, I would talk to her. If I wasn't, I would politely move on. I never could have felt like this in Denver. In Denver, I was worried about what my friends thought. I was going to places that I didn't like. I just needed a change.

Anyway, I know this isn't about me, and the above probably comes across as egotistical. Sorry. I'm not an egoist. I just felt that on a personal level, my move to Boston totally changed me for the better. You now have the opportunity to do exactly what you want, unencumbered by your previous life. If you don't like playing Playstation alone on Friday night, don't do it! There are 1,000,000 other things to do that involve meeting other people and experiencing real life. I know it's probably too early for you to really feel good about things, but you eventually will...

Now, get out there, and show em what you got!!!

alkemical
04-14-2009, 09:55 AM
you can start a thread asking people to pray for her... ;)

WolfpackGuy
04-14-2009, 10:02 AM
Plenty of chicks out there in the Denver area.
You didn't marry her or knock her up, so you're golden.

Mountain Bronco
04-14-2009, 10:10 AM
First relationship at 23, , posting a depressing message on an internet message board. Yep, stereotypes about those who dwel on internet message boards are true.

Sorry dude, you seem like a nice guy, I just couldn't help myself. On a serious note, Rev is right, you gotta go through this a couple times before you understand relationships. Not women, just relationships, the male brain is not equiped to understand women.

On the bright side, rebound sex/relationships are always fun though.

montrose
04-14-2009, 10:23 AM
1. Break off communication. You dont want her to always be in the back of your mind.... Watch Swingers and you'll know what im talking about.

2. Join a sports league. Softball, pickup basket ball, even poker, anything so that you have one or two nights a week to look forward to competition. Funny how many more friends you will make and how much "un-lonely" you'll be.

3. Start doing coke and hanging out with strippers. :D

#1 I'm on the Fence about, #3 ain't gonna happen but #2 sounds like something to look into.

The bottom line is that she probably did you a favor by exposing the differences between you two before you walked the aisle. It will hurt for a while, but it's good for you in the long run...

Probably her point of view as well.

The one piece of advise I can offer is that you will never be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. I agree with the people who say to focus on yourself, but I think it means more than just doing things that please you... You need to find out about yourself... What defines your self-worth? What gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment? How can you become self-confident in a way that allows you to "do your thing" and be happy on your own? These things are different for everyone, but once you find it, you will find that women are attracted to you. Women love, above all else, self-confidence in men. Some love bravado (stay away from these women), and others just like men that are quietly confident that they "are who they are". To generalize: Women want to feel taken care of; that their man has a plan and a path and that he will make a happy life for them. This is why you see gorgeous women with unattractive men. It's because these men are confident in themselves, and are not seeking approval or validation from others. I'm not holding this up as some sort of thing to aspire to, but just using it as an example of how these things work (in my opinion).

Your entire post was fantastic, thank you so much for sharing.

First relationship at 23, , posting a depressing message on an internet message board. Yep, stereotypes about those who dwel on internet message boards are true. Sorry dude, you seem like a nice guy, I just couldn't help myself.

Haha, no issue here. The funny thing is that I'm a very conversational and outgoing guy - hell I'm in PR. I've just never been confident about dating women.

On a serious note, Rev is right, you gotta go through this a couple times before you understand relationships. Not women, just relationships, the male brain is not equiped to understand women.

I suppose you're right but this is a painful, painful way to learn a lesson.

ak1971
04-14-2009, 10:24 AM
what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul

Mogulseeker
04-14-2009, 10:34 AM
Good ideas, thanks.



God this is going to really suck.



I agree, that wouldn't be a wise move.



This would be hard to do. Even if I never see it again, those things mean so much to me I couldn't imagine throwing them away.



I don't plan on doing so until I'm back in Denver to get my keys. But if she calls me I can't promise I won't pick up the phone.



I hope you're right.



Thanks for the call, it meant a lot.



I'm beginning to realize that more and more. There is no quick answer here. Just a whole lot of pain.



I did, as we spoke of on the phone. I suppose that, in time, it will help me better accept it.



I know you and everyone else is right on this. To use a football analogy, this feels the way I felt after we lost the 05 AFCCG. We spend all year on this site following the team and to get that far and lose was devastating, but what made it worse was knowing I had to get back on the Mane that night and we start the process all over again. Finding someone new isn't at the forefront of my mind today, but the fear of facing the process again is certainly a thought running through my brain. I'm trying my best to focus on closure with her first.



You're such an incredible person, I can't tell you how much I value our friendship.



This seems to be the overwhelming sentiment, and considering he history of my 24-year life - not having a girlfriend shouldn't be too difficult to accomplish.



Right now, I've got to deal with my job, my mom's surgery and my travel. I couldn't seek out a new woman if I wanted too. The fling thing just isn't going to happen, not in my nature.



I agree this would be good for me. That's why I wish I could get back to Denver now. Instead I have to deal with this (and a whole lot more) without having the opportunity to focus on myself for the next few weeks. Furthering matters is that I'm soon to see the rest of my family and go through the wonderful process of reliving the breakup again.



Funny enough, I canceled my gym membership a few days ago as the weather's been getting better and I need to save the money. It's still active until June so I'm sure I'll be in there but in the meantime I'll be hitting the courts and a park or two to keep in shape.



Well, the traveling I've got will certainly keep me busy. I just wish I could go get involved in something today. Like a basketball team or something. Unfortunately I'm stuck in my parents basement for 4 of the next 6 weeks.



I suppose this is all part of the grieving process.



To be honest, as I wrote previously, I would've had no regrets if I had made love to my girlfriend. She would've been a good person to have my 1st time with. With that, I now value my virginity more than ever so I'm really going to want to find a special person before I give it up.



I'm going to reach out to my friends while I'm still here. Unfortunately I can't do any of that until my mom's surgery is over.



I've got no issue with drinking, it's just not for me. I'm sure there are beers and mixed drinks I would like - I just don't see a ton of value in it. The times I've been drunk haven't adversely improved my evening, so I'd just rather save my money and avoid the scene.



Well looking at it the right way for me would be a bit different. Not once did I feel like she was my ball and chain. The most optimistic way I can approach this is that if I wasn't going to end up with her the sooner this thing broke off the better in the long run. That's the best way I can look at it.



eHarmony, e-mailed for approx. 1 month before first in-person date at a bagel shop for breakfast in Grand Junction.



It's obviously hard for me too seeing I was desperate to meet someone for 23 years and only found a person through a dating website.



Man everyone seems to be saying this. Again, I don't plan on reaching out to her again until I'm back in town and need my keys. But I just couldn't imagine ignoring her call if it came through on my phone - which I don't think it will.



Probably not the best idea for two cherries Rev.



That's my hope.



And another vote for this.



I really hope so. She certainly valued me for me - in fact that was the thing I enjoyed the most out of this relationship. I just think, in her eyes, we weren't good enough friends to make it work. If we weren't discussing the relationship, there wasn't much to discuss. I tried to take an interest in her fields as she did mine, but that never felt completely natural. My point was that I believed it was just a natural progression of the relationship that would be worked through with communication. Obviously she felt differently.



I've got nothing against girls that go out clubbing or drinking, it's just that since I'm not into that scene it doesn't seem like too good of a fit for me but it might be for someone else.



That's really nice of you, thanks!



That is a good way of putting things. I think it's hard for me to do that right now with the rest of my life sucking so badly, but it could always be worse.



You just summarized what I keep saying to myself over and over and over again.



I suppose it depends on the definition of intimate. In high school and college, I messed around with a few girls. Never anything serious and barely went beyond making out. This is the first girl I loved, and the first one that I did "things" with.



It's not that she wasn't "into me". She didn't see things ending well and wanted to get out know before more feelings were invested. One thing she said to me was that she was very tired, and I can respect that because I know how hard she worked on getting her Masters. Certainly the things you listed don't add up and I'm not so much worried about not doing better - but rather finding a better fit. If that makes sense.



I think I certainly overvalued being in a relationship and put too much pressure on myself to make it work because I wanted one so badly. In the middle of the relationship, I began to question how much I loved her versus loved having a girlfriend. Only in the last few months, actually as problems arose, did I realize that I did truly and unconditionally love her.



I agree and was beginning to worry that I was becoming a doormat, although I don't think that's what prompted her to end it. Looking back, my impressing her early was honestly unnecessary. The nicest thing she ever said to me was that she liked that I was romantic but she had fallen in love with me because of who I was. That wasn't a card or anything, but just something that came up in the midst of conversation. I'll say this, if I'm fortunate to ever land in another relationship I'll certainly do this differently. That's not to say I won't do nice things, but I won't make winning her over my #1 priority in the relationship, and my life.



She wanted to wait too, it was essentially the last major conversation we had before officially becoming a couple.



Again, I agree will note this for the future. But it became very apparent to me that the reasons she was ending this is she did not sense compatibility.

In that case, dude I can totally feel your pain. This situation might be more complicated than a lot of Maners are making it out to be.

I don't know where you're coming from socially... I used to be completely obnoxious in public, but would be totaly oblivious to the women that were into me. Perhaps you're the same?

I think you're due a vacation. Someone mentioned a trip to Rio. I've never been, but my friend from Gavle (Sweden) and I are planning a trip there.

The two best relationships I've ever had came with people who lived near me, that I met on vacation somewhere else... I met Lauren (a girl I went to college with) last year in Montreal - I literally started hitting on her in the street, and she pulled off the whole "don't I know you?" line. At first, I though it was a line, but it turned out we had a couple of classes together. That was like 9pm... I offered to buy her a beer/hit at a hooka lounge before hitting up a place called the "Koi Lounge" - I never danced before but we went until like 3am, until getting coffee at around 4 ..... Caroline, I met in Stockholm (when I was living in Florida). She was from Belgium, and worked at the the hotel we were staying at as a massage therepist. Turned out she just took a job in Miami. That actually lasted from like mid-2005 to early-2007, while I was packing up for Maine and she was leaving for Australia ..... then there was Monica, a Norwegian Redhead from Minnesota that I worked with, I think that was just a case of a sexually frustrated Christian (her) getting too personal with a co-worker (me).

I just consider myself lucky to have had what I had, and I can't wait for grad school, beucase it's going to be just like college. My friend Brock and I used to raid college campuses (Universities of North Florida, Florida and Georgia) looking for people to take us in at parties. We crashed so many places - frat parties and the works, and we were SAILORS - already experienced drinkers. Those were fun times, and at 24 (I'm 23) you should consider just rocking out. Believe me, CU-Boulder chicks are some of the craziest in in the country.

I signed up for eHarmony a little while ago, but I never visit that place. Maybe I should. In the mean time, internet porn is a lot cheaper than a girlfriend.

Sorry if that was a little obnoxious, but that's where I come from. If it helps, it helps. Denver has a pretty good bar scene... (What part of Maryland do you live in? I used to live in Ft. Meade, and there are some great bars around there too.)

Anyway, my friend went through something similar, and here was my response:

I'm not necessarily someone to give out advice, but I'm much the same way as you, *****. Here are a few things I've learned:

First: you're a sexy b**** dude. At least that's how you gotta think. Girls aren't so much sexually attracted to looks as they are someone who they can connect with. You'll know when youíre connecting with a girl, and chances are that if youíre close enough to feel a connection, they're probably feeling the same way. Just remember that - when you're connecting, they're just as attracted to you as you are to them.

Second: be honest, frank, and straightforward. If you are dishonest about who you are (I'm not talking about lying to girls, but rather putting on a different face when you're around them), THAT repels women. Chicks dig dudes who are comfortable with themselves. Girls may think insecurity is a little cute at first, but it is totally unsexy.

Third: be confident and aggressive. Be gentle, but aggressive. Tell them how you really feel about things, but learn to sugar-coat it. Don't be bashful in telling her how you really feel, and don't be afraid to disagree with her and even hurt her feelings sometimes Ė you canít change who you are, nor should you for any woman. I've found that women love men who take charge like that. Also, be physical, but not too physical (donít rush it). Make sure she knows that youíre attracted to her in that way. Donít be shyÖ put your hand around her waist in public; go for the kiss Ė whatever. Youíd be surprised how well most girls receive it.

Fourth: don't rush things. Relationships don't have to be about marriage and the future. Live in the moment - to the point of lassiez-faire hedonism. It doesnít even have to be about the sex, make out sessions, or physical aspect either. Just have fun and the time will come when itís right. But stay attuned to her needs, and make sure youíre giving her what she wants.

Fifth: donít fall off. Sometimes my biggest mistakes are either waiting too long to make my move, or after making my move, waiting too long for a follow-up - and the initial lust is gone. (Apparently there are three stages to love: lust, then attraction, then attachment.) You gotta strike while the iron is hot. Too many times Iíve met a girl whom Iíve really connected with, and due to some conflicts (either scheduling, or in my own head, with myself) Iíve waited one, two weeks for a follow-up Ė and then the passion is gone.

Youíre quite a catch, dude. Youíre sociable, funny, and spiritual. If you stay true to yourself, you should have no problem connecting with girls like yourself.

Iím a political science major / international relations minor, going into constitutional law, I served overseas in the US military and done public affairs work for the government, so I can attract some of the dullest women out there. Occasionally I find one who is into the same things Iím into: indie rock, vegetarian cooking, existential movies, surrealist art, political philosophy Ė but theyíre usually involved with some a-hole.

Again, these are just some things that I've realized over the last couple of years, and I could be wrong, so donít think I know everything. Iíve had some bad relationships and Iíve had my own trouble with women, but I think youíre just at the stage I was in a couple of years ago, where I was laid back all the time Ė except when I needed to be (i.e. social situations).

Cordially of course,
Anders

So good luck finding a girl. I hope things look up for you, Montrose.

400HZ
04-14-2009, 10:40 AM
I've got nothing against girls that go out clubbing or drinking, it's just that since I'm not into that scene it doesn't seem like too good of a fit for me but it might be for someone else.

So do any of your recreational activities jive with socially interacting with women? If they don't but you really want to meet new women then maybe you should try some new things. We'd all love to go to football games and meet gorgeous big-breated single women who know what a seam route is and stuff, but we aren't going to. Go find a nice young lady who likes you and appreciates you enough to try and share in some of your interests. Sure, she'll expect you to try and share in some of hers and that might suck. But hey, life is imperfect.

Also, if you are seriously having trouble just meeting new ladies then try and make more guy friends. Expand your social network. Eventually you will stumble into a nice girl.

Peoples Champ
04-14-2009, 10:44 AM
Try to date all of her girlfriends. Thats what my Ex Girlfriend did. She is married to one of my friends now.

Gort
04-14-2009, 10:46 AM
One of my own rules to help you get through this....Never, ever, ever call or write her again. Close that Chapter forever, no matter what she does to contact you. She will probably, at some point, reach out to you to 'check on you'. Whether this is done due to her guilt, due to her realizing she still wants you back, due to her being lonely, due to another relationship she was moving towards not ending the way see wanted...or any one of a number of reasons...no good will come from communicating with her. No matter who initiates it.


this is good advice. women at that age can be selfish and the minute they find themselves feeling lonely, they'll call you up. they are not calling because YOU are lonely. they are calling because THEY are lonely. don't get sucked back in... it's just going to end the same way all over again. just move on with your life.

another thing that i hate to tell you, but is probably an immutable law is that at your age, most (9 out of 10) breakups are caused by one person in the relationship straying. if she broke up with you, she's probably already moved onto to somebody else. it sucks, but that's how it is to be young. life looks like a smorgasbord of endless opportunities. rather than be jealous or hurt, you have to make the effort to go sample the smorgasbord yourself.

DBBBSBS
04-14-2009, 10:55 AM
****, i'm about 30 and single - every once in a while you feel lonely - but i'll tell ya - I'd rather be single - than to be with someone just to be with someone (ya know, cuz you don't like being alone) -



these two lines are the best advice you can get montrose, it shows ames level head. great post ames...

montrose, 24 is way to young to make these decisions for lot of people. belive me if this was your first girlfriend ever you will remember for life, but just keep the good memories and dont think about the bad that happened.
The first girl who touches your heart will be near to your heart always, but whenever you are ready to get married.. give the girl who walks into your life everything she needs and keep her happier than what she was with her parents and she will be yours for ever.

You will think of this and laugh 10 yrs into you marriage, but 28-30 is a great time when your thoughts will be at there best and you will make decisions for better things in life.

I have come strong at you at some of my posts, but that is when i talk football.. but i wish all well for you rest of your life and i am sure you will find someone who loves you.. and shower whatever you can back at her.

Most important thing, two people who live together need not have the same professional goals, same intrests and same fundamentals.. but when you are in a relationship they need to talk and communicate the best. so find someone whom you can communicate to at ease and be happy to your hearts content when you are around her. that is when you know, you have your girl

Mogulseeker
04-14-2009, 10:55 AM
So do any of your recreational activities jive with socially interacting with women? If they don't but you really want to meet new women then maybe you should try some new things. We'd all love to go to football games and meet gorgeous big-breated single women who know what a seam route is and stuff, but we aren't going to. Go find a nice young lady who likes you and appreciates you enough to try and share in some of your interests. Sure, she'll expect you to try and share in some of hers and that might suck. But hey, life is imperfect.

Also, if you are seriously having trouble just meeting new ladies then try and make more guy friends. Expand your social network. Eventually you will stumble into a nice girl.


That's why there are cheerleaders.

I'm not into the club scene either, but I go because that's where the girls are. Don't really get into unless I'm drunk, and I only bring a girl home MAYBE 15% of the time.

gyldenlove
04-14-2009, 10:58 AM
You are hurting, that is the way it is supposed to be, it is not exactly enjoyable and right now you are not better off for it, so don't let people tell you that - you are not going to believe it anyway deep down.

Honestly, there is not a girl out there who will ever be perfect. Either they don't like sports, or beer, or Jon Stewart, or they do like someone in politics you don't, they laugh funny, chew funny, talk for hours about something completely irrelevant and expect you to remember every word. There is always something, what you have to do is find someone whos special package of annoying is something you can put up with, and unless you are weird, there will be quite a few girls out there who should suit you.

I have gotten burned a few times, had a girl in high school, we were together for a little under a year, then her family moves away and within 2 weeks I am hearing stories from a common friend that she is dating someone else. I went to see her and she basicly said it was true and that I couldn't understand her situation so we should probably just split up.

There is no way to avoid getting kicked in the nuts, just soldier on and you will find someone who won't do it.

By the way, the best way to feel better about yourself is to pull an all nighter with some heavy metal on repeat and call of duty/halo/half-life or something similar. Blasting people to **** always picks me right up.

24champ
04-14-2009, 11:00 AM
#1 I'm on the Fence about

Don't be on the fence about it.

Sack up and cut her out of your life. I'm telling you it's the best thing you can do at this point.

You need to move on...

gunns
04-14-2009, 11:10 AM
I'm so sorry Montrose. I don't know that there is any advice any of us could give you that will make you feel better. It's a grieving process. I'm sure there is someone out there for you, you just need to be patient.

There has to be equal give and take, don't always be available, women like a little bit of a challenge.

All I can say is I'm so glad I'm not your age anymore.

TheElusiveKyleOrton
04-14-2009, 11:18 AM
Whoever said to rent Swingers was dead on. Rent Swingers. Tonight.

McDman
04-14-2009, 11:22 AM
Some guys think all women are cheating on them but I totality trust my wife the good ones are hard to find. Hang in there you will find happiness like I did.

Dude, you might want to have you and your kid DNA tested. Just sayin.

crawdad
04-14-2009, 11:46 AM
When I first split with my wife in Denver, I immediately became involved with coaching young kids. It's amazing how many single mothers you meet while coaching young kids. It keeps you busy and improves your social life. Good luck!

Bronco Boy
04-14-2009, 11:49 AM
When I first split with my wife in Denver, I immediately became involved with coaching young kids. It's amazing how many single mothers you meet while coaching young kids. It keeps you busy and improves your social life. Good luck!

That's brilliant, assuming you can pass the background check.

Hotrod
04-14-2009, 11:51 AM
Dude you just saved half of your stuff.

Mountain Bronco
04-14-2009, 12:00 PM
[QUOTE=montrose;2381393


I suppose you're right but this is a painful, painful way to learn a lesson.[/QUOTE]

Relationships, even while you are in one and it is a good relationship, are painful at times. Can't have the love and happiness without a little hardship.

Like anything repetition is important.:thumbs:

mr007
04-14-2009, 12:12 PM
Montrose you have something called nice guy/deflated sense of self-worth syndrome and it doesn't work with 98% of all women because you end up being a complete pushover and they will get rid of you.

Things that illustrate you have you this problem? Pretty much the entire context of your posts. Granted I didn't read everything everyone wrote in this thread, but here's the summary:

You're repeating the fact that you don't think you'll meet anyone else, are afraid to be alone, even though this person wasn't quite what you wanted you were happy, better than playing xbox, blah blah blah.

These are all the WRONG reasons to be with anyone. You are filling a void in your life with an artificial happiness and one that is destined for failure. Want to know the real issue here? It's you. If you don't proactively change your outlook on life and take the necessary steps to achieve that goal, you are destined to be exactly what you've stated in the multiple posts in this thread.

As others have said, this is a time to work and focus on yourself. How? Do the things that make you the best possible person you can be for yourself. You like sports, join a softball league, soccer, basketball, whatever. It's a great way to be social and make more friends and take your mind off the situation. If you want to get in better shape, join a gym. Make an effort to learn about something new, take up a constructive hobby... whatever.

The biggest point you should come away with is that you should NEVER fear being alone or losing a person just by being YOU. If you have this fear and act based on that fear, each relationship you have will be destined for failure. Don't be the doormat and take the steps necessary in your life to gain that level of confidence.

Ohh and read "The Game" by Neil Strauss. It will help immensely.

TheDave
04-14-2009, 12:38 PM
This is quite possibly the saddest most pathetic thread I have ever read...

Some of you "Men" should be ashamed of your selves. I'm surprised that no one has yet to suggest he should get a pedicure, and maybe take a warm bubble bath.

For the love of all that is sacred, you are men... act like it. It's a ****ing girlfriend. It's not your wife of 20 years, it's not your brother, nor sister. It's not your mom or dad nor your best friend you grew up with. Hell it's not even at the level of the family pet. It was your girlfriend, quit acting like the "leave Britney alone" kid and find something else to do with your time.

My 5 year old daughter shows more resiliency than what I'm seeing here...

ak1971
04-14-2009, 12:39 PM
This is quite possibly the saddest most pathetic thread I have ever read...

Some of you "Men" should be ashamed of your selves. I'm surprised that no one has yet to suggest he should get a pedicure, and maybe take a warm bubble bath.

For the love of all that is sacred, you are men... act like it. It's a ****ing girlfriend. It's not your wife of 20 years, it's not your brother, nor sister. It's not your mom or dad nor your best friend you grew up with. Hell it's not even at the level of the family pet. It was your girlfriend, quit acting like the "leave Britney alone" kid and find something else to do with your time.

My 5 year old daughter shows more resiliency than what I'm seeing here...

want to make out?

Peoples Champ
04-14-2009, 12:46 PM
This is quite possibly the saddest most pathetic thread I have ever read...

Some of you "Men" should be ashamed of your selves. I'm surprised that no one has yet to suggest he should get a pedicure, and maybe take a warm bubble bath.

For the love of all that is sacred, you are men... act like it. It's a ****ing girlfriend. It's not your wife of 20 years, it's not your brother, nor sister. It's not your mom or dad nor your best friend you grew up with. Hell it's not even at the level of the family pet. It was your girlfriend, quit acting like the "leave Britney alone" kid and find something else to do with your time.

My 5 year old daughter shows more resiliency than what I'm seeing here...

So then you like my go after her girlfriends idea?

cutthemdown
04-14-2009, 12:57 PM
People who are afraid to be single are the worst ones to date. Be happy being single, and you will then find many women want you. Of course once you are happy being single you realize having a g/f or wife not really that important and then even more women will want you. Now at this point you are happy alone, women want you even more because you don't try that hard, and you have pick of the litter my young friend.

Desperate people attract only other desperate people.

To even be upset when your only 24 is a joke IMO. Get some balls, be a man, go out and find some pussy and forget about her.

montrose
04-14-2009, 01:17 PM
I really appreciate all of the comments here guys. It's just something that's going to take time for me. I think it just blindsided me so much that it put my emotions on overload. In hindsight, this might've been the right decision as the relationship had plenty of flaws. It doesn't change the way I feel about her and the mere thought of her with someone else just make me want to vomit. But at the end of the day, what's done is done. I've got to move forward in my life but I agree with all of you that this is going to really, really suck for a while. Something I hate about my personality is that I'm one that reminisces, often. I honestly wish I could take the lessons of this relationship with me and was away the rest of the memories. As hard as it is for me moving on, it's just as hard to think that the person for which I've been the focal point of for so long will be moving on as well. I know that's selfish, probably possessive too. But when you picture someone as your eventual wife, it's hard to see them with someone else just as it's hard to see yourself with someone else.

It's become extremely apparent from all of these posts, and it's obviously a bit of common sense, that I need to get involved in things. Keep in mind I'm a freelance consultant who works from his apartment all day so until I saw her, I literally had next-to-no human contact with anyone else. So these are things I'll have to work on.

I can tell you that less than 24 hours in, being alone sucks. Up next, my mom's surgery.

Hotrod
04-14-2009, 01:26 PM
I really appreciate all of the comments here guys. It's just something that's going to take time for me. I think it just blindsided me so much that it put my emotions on overload. In hindsight, this might've been the right decision as the relationship had plenty of flaws. It doesn't change the way I feel about her and the mere thought of her with someone else just make me want to vomit. But at the end of the day, what's done is done. I've got to move forward in my life but I agree with all of you that this is going to really, really suck for a while. Something I hate about my personality is that I'm one that reminisces, often. I honestly wish I could take the lessons of this relationship with me and was away the rest of the memories. As hard as it is for me moving on, it's just as hard to think that the person for which I've been the focal point of for so long will be moving on as well. I know that's selfish, probably possessive too. But when you picture someone as your eventual wife, it's hard to see them with someone else just as it's hard to see yourself with someone else.
It's become extremely apparent from all of these posts, and it's obviously a bit of common sense, that I need to get involved in things. Keep in mind I'm a freelance consultant who works from his apartment all day so until I saw her, I literally had next-to-no human contact with anyone else. So these are things I'll have to work on.

I can tell you that less than 24 hours in, being alone sucks. Up next, my mom's surgery.

The bolded part is exactly the reason you have to learn from this. Its never easy but think how you would feel if it was the end of an 11 year marriage. Talk about wanting to vomit.

Ok now that I opened up there with my own issues :) I think I'll go have a beer and double cheese bacon burger.

alkemical
04-14-2009, 01:26 PM
focus on that grasshopper -

play it up and **** a nurse too

SouthStndJunkie
04-14-2009, 01:32 PM
You need some Old Spice Swagger.

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 01:33 PM
Montrose you have something called nice guy/deflated sense of self-worth syndrome and it doesn't work with 98% of all women because you end up being a complete pushover and they will get rid of you.

Things that illustrate you have you this problem? Pretty much the entire context of your posts. Granted I didn't read everything everyone wrote in this thread, but here's the summary:

You're repeating the fact that you don't think you'll meet anyone else, are afraid to be alone, even though this person wasn't quite what you wanted you were happy, better than playing xbox, blah blah blah.

These are all the WRONG reasons to be with anyone. You are filling a void in your life with an artificial happiness and one that is destined for failure. Want to know the real issue here? It's you. If you don't proactively change your outlook on life and take the necessary steps to achieve that goal, you are destined to be exactly what you've stated in the multiple posts in this thread.

As others have said, this is a time to work and focus on yourself. How? Do the things that make you the best possible person you can be for yourself. You like sports, join a softball league, soccer, basketball, whatever. It's a great way to be social and make more friends and take your mind off the situation. If you want to get in better shape, join a gym. Make an effort to learn about something new, take up a constructive hobby... whatever.

The biggest point you should come away with is that you should NEVER fear being alone or losing a person just by being YOU. If you have this fear and act based on that fear, each relationship you have will be destined for failure. Don't be the doormat and take the steps necessary in your life to gain that level of confidence.

Ohh and read "The Game" by Neil Strauss. It will help immensely.

Great post.

Montrose, you're a good guy man. You're one of my favorite posters on this site so don't think I'm getting after you to be mean, but to be blunt about it...you need to quit being such a girl about this. Quit being such a romantic daydreamer bro!

CUT. OFF. CONTACT

There is no two ways about this. Nothing good can come from keeping her in your life right now. Maybe once you've picked yourself up the floor and have established new social/dating circles, then you can have her as a distant friend...but not until then. Having her around will only slow down your ability to move on.

There is a reason this is the overwhelming sentiment. It's because we've all been down this road and know it's right.

On the virginity thing. Unless you have some religious commitment to abstinence then just say "**** it" no pun intended. Losing your virginity is not some emotional, earth moving experience, believe me. I think as a guy, the most important thing is losing it to someone who is also as virgin as it will decrease your nervousness about the issue.

I got lucky and took care of that in high school. At 24, your chances of finding another virgin is already not so good and dwindling every day. You'll have to get a little lucky to find a girl who isn't waiting for marriage, isn't ugly and doesn't completely suck yet still a virgin.

Like I said before, I'm not advocating laying the first whore you find, but you might as well lighten up on the sex issue. Whether or not the girl is your first or if your her first, it won't effect your ability to make it special with someone down the line.

Now, the drinking. You're being too much of a tight ass about this issue. It's not about "the scene" or getting drunk, it's about it being a good medium for expanding your social circle. Guys form bonds at bars throwing back a few beers, plus it'll have the added edge of loosing you up some.

Now I'm NOT saying to use it as a crutch. Hell, you don't even have to get drunk. I hardly ever get drunk. When I go out, I'll usually do a shot ot two to take the edge off and nurse beer the rest of the night. It doesn't cost a lot of money, I don't have to deal with hangovers, I get a little bit of that liquid courage and after a few hours I'm safe to drive again. On the nights we go at it harder, a DD is with us.

Had you said you just didn't like the taste of alcohol, I would be fine with that, but it's obvious you have some mental hangup with drinking, so defeat that. Go out to a bar, have a beer or two and go home. It's an acquired taste and you'll see what I mean.

Again man, I'm not trying to cut you down. I've been in your exact shoes almost, and I'm trying to help you pick yourself up off the floor.

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 01:36 PM
I really appreciate all of the comments here guys. It's just something that's going to take time for me. I think it just blindsided me so much that it put my emotions on overload. In hindsight, this might've been the right decision as the relationship had plenty of flaws. It doesn't change the way I feel about her and the mere thought of her with someone else just make me want to vomit. But at the end of the day, what's done is done. I've got to move forward in my life but I agree with all of you that this is going to really, really suck for a while. Something I hate about my personality is that I'm one that reminisces, often. I honestly wish I could take the lessons of this relationship with me and was away the rest of the memories. As hard as it is for me moving on, it's just as hard to think that the person for which I've been the focal point of for so long will be moving on as well. I know that's selfish, probably possessive too. But when you picture someone as your eventual wife, it's hard to see them with someone else just as it's hard to see yourself with someone else.

It's become extremely apparent from all of these posts, and it's obviously a bit of common sense, that I need to get involved in things. Keep in mind I'm a freelance consultant who works from his apartment all day so until I saw her, I literally had next-to-no human contact with anyone else. So these are things I'll have to work on.

I can tell you that less than 24 hours in, being alone sucks. Up next, my mom's surgery.

It's fine man. You need to have you're grieving process, but after 2 or 3 days you need to be on your way to getting over this. Any longer than that, and it's an issue.

Sassy
04-14-2009, 01:47 PM
It's fine man. You need to have you're grieving process, but after 2 or 3 days you need to be on your way to getting over this. Any longer than that, and it's an issue.

2 or 3 days...seriously? Give him a break.

watermock
04-14-2009, 01:50 PM
Some guys think all women are cheating on them but I totality trust my wife the good ones are hard to find. Hang in there you will find happiness like I did.


http://www.orangemane.com/BB/attachment.php?attachmentid=24013&stc=1&d=1239724126

Umm, please tell that child is adopted.

Popps
04-14-2009, 01:51 PM
It's fine man. You need to have you're grieving process, but after 2 or 3 days you need to be on your way to getting over this. Any longer than that, and it's an issue.

Huh?

If you get over any relationship in 2-3 days, it never meant anything to you, anyway.

Everyone is different, but I've never, ever met ANYONE who claims to have completely gotten over being dumped from a serious relationship in 48 hours or so. That's borderline sociopathic.

Hotrod
04-14-2009, 01:53 PM
Huh?

If you get over any relationship in 2-3 days, it never meant anything to you, anyway.

Everyone is different, but I've never, ever met ANYONE who claims to have completely gotten over being dumped from a serious relationship in 48 hours or so. That's borderline sociopathic.

I agree in alot of cases it takes the first 2-3 days to get over the original hangover.

:)

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 01:58 PM
Huh?

If you get over any relationship in 2-3 days, it never meant anything to you, anyway.

Everyone is different, but I've never, ever met ANYONE who claims to have completely gotten over being dumped from a serious relationship in 48 hours or so. That's borderline sociopathic.

Read what I wrote again Popps, then come talk to me, ok?

Thanks.

24champ
04-14-2009, 01:58 PM
CUT. OFF. CONTACT

There is no two ways about this. Nothing good can come from keeping her in your life right now. Maybe once you've picked yourself up the floor and have established new social/dating circles, then you can have her as a distant friend...but not until then. Having her around will only slow down your ability to move on.

No, you can't have an ex as a "distant friend". What's the point? To get laid? Come on, there's a million other girls that can fill that role. So no, severed contact for GOOD. Best decision a guy can make. Far as I am concernced, Montrose's ex doesn't exist.

Look Montrose needs to focus on his mom that's in the hospital, once she is fine. Then Montrose can reflect on the relationship, think about where he went wrong, learn from it, and move the **** on.

From there, he needs to develop a game and build on it. If I was montrose, I would not worry about the next girlfriend...just focus on talking to women. Lots of them, and once you develop a confidence in talking to women everything will be easy from there.

Montrose, I'm not talking about going to bars to get plastered, I'm talking about going to a bar to mingle and see what's going on with the ladies, check em out. I usually have a beer or two, talk to a couple of beautiful babies, get their numbers and call it a night...I don't go to bars because of the beer ok? It's the women.

Most guys just go out and sip beers with their friends and don't do shiat. You can't get big without lifting weight, you can't get fast without running sprints, and you can't have game without talking to women.

Beantown Bronco
04-14-2009, 02:03 PM
I think I'll go have a beer and double cheese bacon burger.

Just be grateful your name isn't Jay Cutler. Otherwise, by now there'd be a 10 page thread about what a moron you are for enjoying a beer and burger.

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 02:03 PM
No, you can't have an ex as a "distant friend". What's the point? To get laid? Come on, there's a million other girls that can fill that role. So no, severed contact for GOOD. Best decision a guy can make. Far as I am concernced, Montrose's ex doesn't exist.

Once he's established himself, I don't think there is any harm in having her as a distant friend...but ONLY after he's established himself (meaning at least 1, maybe 2 women between now and then) and he's no longer vulnerable.

He certainly don't need to have her as a friend, but I don't see much harm in it.

watermock
04-14-2009, 02:05 PM
Consider tis Montrose. Maybe she didn't stop looking at e-Harmony after all.

Old Dude
04-14-2009, 02:08 PM
I've never, ever met ANYONE who claims to have completely gotten over being dumped from a serious relationship in 48 hours or so. That's borderline sociopathic.

Popps, meet Old Dude. How do you do?

Hotrod
04-14-2009, 02:09 PM
It's fine man. You need to have you're grieving process, but after 2 or 3 days you need to be on your way to getting over this. Any longer than that, and it's an issue.

Looks like atleast 3 of us misread this Ha!

TheDave
04-14-2009, 02:09 PM
Popps, meet Old Dude. How do you do?

I was thinking the same thing... LOL

Florida_Bronco
04-14-2009, 02:11 PM
Looks like atleast 3 of us misread this Ha!

:wiggle:

And that is why HotRod is my hero.

24champ
04-14-2009, 02:12 PM
Once he's established himself, I don't think there is any harm in having her as a distant friend...but ONLY after he's established himself (meaning at least 1, maybe 2 women between now and then) and he's no longer vulnerable.

He certainly don't need to have her as a friend, but I don't see much harm in it.

I still disagree. You just can't keep in touch with exes, even after you establish yourself. Nothing good ever comes from it...just bad juju all around.

rbackfactory80
04-14-2009, 02:17 PM
Take advice from the many guys who have already went through this, don't stay in touch with her. This is the number one rule. If you want her back or if you don't you have no choice but to cut off communication. The truth is absence makes the heart grow fonder, you forget the wrongs if they weren't too terrible and remember the rights. She will have no greater pleasure then you trying to contact her knowing you are thinking about her all the time. Don't let her have that. Let her think you have forgotten, she may realize she made a mistake, if you would want her back. Throw that stuff of hers away, holding onto the past is the worst mistake b esides calling er you can make. You can either take your medicine and grieve quickly, or a couple months down the road you can start the process again, memorabilia has a way of taking you back to the relationship. Also don't question what you could have done, you probably just weren't compatible.

Hotrod
04-14-2009, 02:22 PM
I still disagree. You just can't keep in touch with exes, even after you establish yourself. Nothing good ever comes from it...just bad juju all around.

I agree 100%

MileHighMagic
04-14-2009, 02:55 PM
To steal a quote from Road Trip:

You're all brains and not enough COCK & BALLS!!

Everyone gets their heart broken, it is part of life. Take a step back for a moment and stop letting your emotions fvck up your head. Understand that change happens in all parts of life. You are an extremely intelligent guy but you're acting like an idiot right now and that's ok considering how fresh this is but you have to stop being so negative. If you are alone and unhappy, simply figure out how to change it... you are more than capable.

What do we respect in the Broncos players and staff? Heart, mental toughness, hardwork, & the ability to overcome adversity. Maners put a little too much stock into talent ;) . My point is that friends are not going to show up at your door. Your dream girl is not going to show up at your door. Take the necessary steps and go out and take what you want in life. If you look at your situation positively, you shared time with a sweet girl, made some memories and learned a lot about yourself and her. You are a lucky guy if you ask me.

This is really a blessing, bro. The absolute worst thing any guy can do is stay with their first love. You have to experience different things. You should get back on that eHarmony site and keep dating. Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.

I know that sh!t stings though and I will remember you in my prayers.

24champ
04-14-2009, 03:14 PM
Montrose you're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...

I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man...


<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2SoHvcpDHH0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2SoHvcpDHH0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

azbroncfan
04-14-2009, 03:55 PM
Your going to be going to go through booty with draws. The only way I have found to deal with a breakup of someone you were really into is to get another one on the line right away. It will probably only be temporary but it will get the other one from completely consuming all your thoughts and will help you down a little easier. Good luck.

azbroncfan
04-14-2009, 04:07 PM
One of my own rules to help you get through this....Never, ever, ever call or write her again. Close that Chapter forever, no matter what she does to contact you. She will probably, at some point, reach out to you to 'check on you'. Whether this is done due to her guilt, due to her realizing she still wants you back, due to her being lonely, due to another relationship she was moving towards not ending the way see wanted...or any one of a number of reasons...no good will come from communicating with her. No matter who initiates it.

That Chapter of your Life is over...but the book has just started brutha!

It WILL get better.

This right here is one of my rules too and a great piece of advice.

Bronx33
04-14-2009, 04:25 PM
I say start stalking her asap!

Mogulseeker
04-14-2009, 04:38 PM
http://www.orangemane.com/BB/attachment.php?attachmentid=24013&stc=1&d=1239724126

Umm, please tell that child is adopted.

LOL

SureShot
04-14-2009, 04:39 PM
I say start stalking her asap!

Bingo! How else are you going to know who she left you for?

Pony Boy
04-14-2009, 04:50 PM
You might want to consider doing her best friend or even better her sister.

Bronx33
04-14-2009, 04:52 PM
Ok first off buy a old cheap car that you can park down the block and steer clear of pony boys suggestion.

SureShot
04-14-2009, 04:54 PM
Ok first off buy a old cheap car that you can park down the block and steer clear of pony boys suggestion.

Don't forget the fake mustache! If you currently have a mustache, shave it thats why she broke up with you

ak1971
04-14-2009, 05:21 PM
You might want to consider doing her best friend or even better her sister.

I would suggest banging her mom

TheReverend
04-14-2009, 05:30 PM
Don't forget the fake mustache! If you currently have a mustache, shave it thats why she broke up with you

Not sure what kind of girls you're with...

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a230/dd51/plummerstache.jpg

SureShot
04-14-2009, 05:31 PM
Not sure what kind of girls you're with...

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a230/dd51/plummerstache.jpg

Yeah but he has MOXIE so he can pull it off.

BroncosinDC
04-14-2009, 06:19 PM
It sucks dude. What's weird is my first break up was my easiest, kind of one of those things where you are 19 and getting laid all the time makes you keep something going for another 6 months, despite really not liking her at all.

From there I had relationshsips with a crazy chick who still lived with her ex, slept with a "friend" of mine the day after she got mad at me for flirting with some other girl (who was way hotter by the way), anyways that chick messed my head up. So a few one night stands later I dated another girl who I was "in love" with for a bit. When we broke up the combination of disturst other women have given me and how special she was to me...led to a long period of getting wasted and almost driving all of my firends away for about 6 months, until I finally just cut my losses cut off contact and realized how awesome I really am.

Every serious breakup takes that path, self loathing and depression through various means. For me it was booze and trying to lose my friends as well. For some its total isolation from the world...no matter the method used to get there its never better until you realize how ****ing awesome you are.

No relationship has much of a chance of success unless you don't need that other person to complete you. I'm at a point now where I am perfectly happy and enjoying life much more than I ever have in a relationship. So hey if I meet a girl tonight and fall in love it wont be because I need to, so I feel whole...it would be because she would make me that much better.

In all honesty though relationships are something I hide from to this day, maybe its fear of failure. So I can say all I want about how to give over it maybe I never have, but I can tell you the summer after my last girlfriend I met "Quesidilla Girl" who I rarely if ever talked to before midnight. After that we would meet up for last call, go to my house I would make Quesidillas and we would screw for a few hours and part our ways with minimal words in the morning. Most perfect relationship ever, its a shame she was only a summer intern. Get one of them they are great. You get to do whatever you want, feel like going out with the guys on a Tuesday, go ahead. Feel like playing poker until 6AM and leaving smelling of cigars and Jager, you wont be the one turning off your phone and buying flowers and a nice dinner the next day. Feel like hitting on the cute blonde who may have had a boob job, go for it. Want to go to happy hour and sit on the patio and make comments about all the girls walking by...no one will feel jelous.

Yeah I realize you don't drink and probably have a much better sense of morality than myself but single life is great. What part of MD are you, DC and Baltimore are great places for skank hunting...at 24 we needs skanks at 30 maybe girlfriends....and then again at 40.

baja
04-14-2009, 06:32 PM
http://www.orangemane.com/BB/attachment.php?attachmentid=24013&stc=1&d=1239724126

Umm, please tell that child is adopted.



http://www.freeprintablecoloringpages.net/samples/Plants_And_Flowers/Acorn.png

Xenos
04-14-2009, 07:14 PM
Well for those who remember my entertaining Valentine's Day thread, I'm sure this one may be destined for glory. I suppose I'm just looking to vent right now.

My girlfriend of just under a year (my first) broke up with me last night, over the phone from Denver while I'm in Maryland for my Mom's surgery. Talk about getting hit by a ton of bricks. Her reasoning was that we're not right for each other as we don't have enough things in common and our long-term ideals may not match up - she wants to live in Grand Junction where her entire family is while I like Denver and would like to focus on my career. I'll certainly say many of her points are valid, our conversations have dwindled over the past few months - and I'll agree we don't have a ton in common. I'm obviously into sports, as well as comedy, technology and to a lesser extent politics while she's more into the arts like music and theater as well as reading. In the long run it may not have worked out well but I can't describe how bad I feel right now as we both said it wasn't a question of either of us caring for each other. I made the pivotal mistake of putting a relationship (with anyone, quite frankly) up on a pedestal for so many years that when I found someone who matched my values I through myself into it with everything I had. I'm certain I "set the bar too high" as was discussed in the Valentine's Day thread, but I was so insecure and paranoid about getting it to work that I put every effort into winning her over. That's what made Valentine's Day, for example, such a challenge because it was kind of a "how am I going to top that?" scenario.

Not only does the thought of losing her sicken my stomach, but I honestly don't know how badly this will effect my actual life. I moved to Denver, alone, and she was the focal point of my social world which is probably why I'm starting a ridiculously long thread on a Denver Broncos message board. I feel like I not only lost my girlfriend, but my best and only friend in many regards. The only other friends I've got in the Denver area are my buddy Jon (lives in Fort Collins), Apa (married) and Kahn (married) which makes things very difficult. I suppose I was going to be losing her to Grand Junction soon anyhow, but it doesn't make things any better.

Compounding matters include the fact I'm having one of the worst weeks I could ever imagine. After finding a great deal of clarity and relief in that I'd be dropping my worst and more stressful client - I found out I have to keep them to survive financially, then my nice new cell phone winds up shorting out on me due to apparent water damage, I had to pay about $8,000 in taxes yesterday and tomorrow my mother goes into surgery to see if she has cancer or some other medical issue. Sunday evening, I told myself the one good thing I had going through this was my girlfriend. Not exactly the best time to have to deal with this but in her words, she did this now over the phone so that I would be here in Maryland with family and friends to support me instead of doing it while I'm alone in Denver. One of the worst parts is that I'm stuck here in Maryland until the 30th, then I'm back to Denver, then I've got to get to Montrose for jury duty on May 13th, then I'm back to Maryland the next week for my sister's graduation. I won't have a chance to fully settle in and begin moving on in Denver until about June which just makes the recovery process that much worse.

I have such a range of emotions right now I can't even describe it. I saw this possibly coming, someday, when it felt more mutual. Instead this hits me completely out of left field when I can afford it least. While I certainly recognize the differences we had, I suppose I took them as simple progressions in a long-term relationship. I looked for a girlfriend for such a long time, while it wasn't everything I envisioned (she wasn't super affectionate or very physical for example), it certainly beat the sh*t out of playing Xbox by myself on Friday nights. I suppose I'm trying to tell myself it will be easy to move on and this is no different than the way I felt after the San Diego thrashing in December, but right now I'm so incredibly devastated I don't even know how I'll make it through the week - let alone the ceremonial "returning of keys and other stuff" I'm facing when I get back to Denver. I just wish I could get back to Denver right now so I can packup the pictures, gifts, e-mails, CD's, etc. and put them in a storage unit never to be seen again.

I didn't want to be a guy who dated around or was in a million relationships. I was more than happy to find a person I was comfortable with and go from there and that's all gone now. Did she have faults? Of course, so do I. I think what makes this the worst is that I see it's probably the right thing. What scares me the most though, is the thought of having to go back to that awful, awful place of being all alone in a big city again. I found her on eHarmony, which was a long and drawn-out process to find the right one. I spent the last year planning a future together and in one night it all disappeared. I have no idea how to find the right person for me because I feel as though I've exhausted my options. Perhaps I have the confidence to now walk up to a girl and ask her out, which I didn't have before. Although I'm not one motivated by physical appearance but rather the emotional connection. I didn't even see a good picture of my girlfriend before I met her and I was in love before we met because of the month of e-mailing each other back and forth. How am I supposed to find that same thing with some random person I meet on the street?

I'm sure I'll hear a million breakup stories and I'm already hearing the standard responses from people. Oh and FYI, although I know it wont stop things, the response to 1) go get wasted and/or 2) go get laid, really aren't going to apply here. Despite the fact that I know this is a part of life and being in relationships, it certainly doesn't change the way I feel right now. This is one of the lowest moments of my entire life.

I need some help guys.
Dude you got balls of steel for not only sharing your feelings on a messageboard where anyone can come in and make fun of you while you're in such a vulnerable state, but you're brave enough to admit that you met her on eHarmony of all places.

I guess what I'm saying is you'll be fine. You got nerves of steel because someone who is willing to post something like this even at the risk of ridicule will bounce back. Heck, you give hope to losers like myself...lol. Don't worry about it. It's a learning experience. The first is always the hardest and the one that can make you wonder about being able to love again. But trust me, it gets easier and you'll learn more about yourself as you meet other people.

Mogulseeker
04-15-2009, 05:24 AM
<object width="512" height="328" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000"><param name="movie" value="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" /><param name="flashvars" value="key=0d646e2edb" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><embed width="512" height="328" flashvars="key=0d646e2edb" allowfullscreen="true" quality="high" src="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><div style="text-align:center;width:512px;"><a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0d646e2edb/lindsay-lohan-s-eharmony-profile" title="from Lindsay Lohan and Eric Appel">Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile</a> from <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/lindsay_lohan">Lindsay Lohan</a></div>

Hotrod
04-15-2009, 07:23 AM
I honestly remember my first breakup. It was in 2nd grade and she peed herself at recess on the uneven bars. True story.

rugbythug
04-15-2009, 08:42 AM
I honestly remember my first breakup. It was in 2nd grade and she peed herself at recess on the uneven bars. True story.

Really your Grade school had uneven bars I am so jealous.

Hotrod
04-15-2009, 08:57 AM
Really your Grade school had uneven bars I am so jealous.

I'm old school. We had pavement and dirt under the slides/swings etc. instead of these new wood chips foam pads. Kids to day are soft

Meck77
04-15-2009, 09:08 AM
My advice. Go to Costa Rica. You'll forget all about her while you are still at the airport.

Popps
04-15-2009, 09:44 AM
Read what I wrote again Popps, then come talk to me, ok?

Thanks.

Read it again.

Yep, still goofy.


Thanks.

lazarus4444
04-15-2009, 10:32 AM
If you don't want to read all this see my cliff notes at the bottom:

Well, this is long but everybody has an opinion ;) All i can tell you is how i handled things myself and then you can take what you can from it. If this doesn't help you that is fine too:

1. Don't contact her again. In fact after i broke up with my ex-fiance' i had a trip to Greece planned and paid for (for our honeymoon and i paid for it all) and she was still going to go. I didn't go at all because i know if i saw her there the whole cycle would start over again. So i lost out on a couple grand because of that but it was WORTH it.

So no or little contact because it sounds like you put yourself in a door mat position and that is not healthy for you because most women want a MAN (Not busting on you, just saying).

2. Three month recovery process. Basically i don't even think about dating a woman unless she literally falls into my lap (It's happened). I do this because its not fair to other women if i date them within 3 months of a breakup (I always did the breaking up except once).

If one does fall into my lap i let her know we'll be nothing more than sex because i'm not looking for a relationship right now (this actually works and i still got laid, nice to have the comfort). I know you won't use that part of the advice but do take the 3 month recovery process advice, it helps.

3. Dating again: You know what? Fear of rejection should not exist. You need to trick yourself into not worrying about it. If i ask a girl out and get rejected then i think to myself "She must be a lesbian" and i move on. Nothing personal.

You shrink your dating pool considerably when you say she can't drink, have had sex and doesn't goto church. Your dating pool will grow if you goto church because that is the most likely place to find women like this. You may have to consider reshaping your philosophy because honestly i'm not sure how your restrictions are going to work in today's world.

It is way easier to resist women when you haven't had sex though. WAY WAY easier. Once you've been there though its like flipping a switch and your never the same again. But i digress.

Cliff Notes

1. No contact.
2. 3 month mourning period.
3. If a woman says no when you ask her out then she must be a lesbian.

Laz

Traveler
04-15-2009, 10:34 AM
My advice. Go to Costa Rica. You'll forget all about her while you are still at the airport.

Rio first!

OBF1
04-15-2009, 10:36 AM
This is one of the best threads on the mane. Guys, some of you have made me proud... the rest of you are pathetic pussies.

TheReverend
04-15-2009, 11:20 AM
I just wanted to express my pleasure that this thread is still going on.

Has montrose been back in for updates?

Florida_Bronco
04-15-2009, 12:10 PM
If one does fall into my lap i let her know we'll be nothing more than sex because i'm not looking for a relationship right now (this actually works and i still got laid, nice to have the comfort).

Surprising how many women are fine with no-strings attached sex eh? Just gotta be up front about it.

montrose
04-15-2009, 01:21 PM
Still like a roller coaster guys, just got back from the hospital where my mom's surgery went well but was certainly draining. I've still got thoughts running in a million directions.

Hotrod
04-15-2009, 01:24 PM
Still like a roller coaster guys, just got back from the hospital where my mom's surgery went well but was certainly draining. I've still got thoughts running in a million directions.

Happy to hear your mom is doing ok. The rest of this stuff is just bumps and bruises on lifes highway.

DrFate
04-15-2009, 01:36 PM
Better now than after you were married. Worry about your family and concentrate on finding someone later.

Florida_Bronco
04-15-2009, 01:37 PM
Happy to hear your mom is doing ok. The rest of this stuff is just bumps and bruises on lifes highway.

+1 million.

Priorities bro!

DBroncos4life
04-15-2009, 02:46 PM
The only thing you should do is have sex with her friends and her mom. If she has a sister tap her too.

DBroncos4life
04-15-2009, 02:53 PM
<object width="512" height="328" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000"><param name="movie" value="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" /><param name="flashvars" value="key=0d646e2edb" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><embed width="512" height="328" flashvars="key=0d646e2edb" allowfullscreen="true" quality="high" src="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><div style="text-align:center;width:512px;"><a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0d646e2edb/lindsay-lohan-s-eharmony-profile" title="from Lindsay Lohan and Eric Appel">Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile</a> from <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/lindsay_lohan">Lindsay Lohan</a></div>

I want her so much. I think crazy is sexy.

Liebs
04-15-2009, 04:46 PM
sounds like you've led a rather sheltered life and are still very immature. Spend some time on you. Grow up, do what you like, try new things.
In my experience the moment you stop looking for a woman that's exactly when they show up

Pony Boy
04-15-2009, 06:36 PM
Just remember a girfriend is the "life support system for a vagina" there is nothing more you need to know grasshopper. :welcome:

dakranker
04-15-2009, 06:38 PM
I'm old school. We had pavement and dirt under the slides/swings etc. instead of these new wood chips foam pads. Kids to day are soft

God, those must have been painful dismounts on the uneven bars.

SoCalBronco
04-15-2009, 06:42 PM
I'm really sorry to hear that Montrose. Keep your head up bro, it will get better.

Ray Finkle
04-15-2009, 08:20 PM
Still like a roller coaster guys, just got back from the hospital where my mom's surgery went well but was certainly draining. I've still got thoughts running in a million directions.

Montrose, I am sure it has been said in the 7 previous pages but remember this, there is the perfect girl out there for you, she wasn't it. This will suck for a while but the real one is out there. Whatever you do, don't take her back....

kappys
04-15-2009, 09:02 PM
Best of luck.

Can't say that I have anything very new to add, but I was your age when I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years. You're going to go through all the classic stages of a break up - denial, anger, regret, self doubt, etc. etc. It's natural.

I agree with all those who said the best thing to do it cut off contact - even it you talk again in the future take at least a month or two with zero contact - it will be very very painful but best to take your medicine up front.

The best thing to do for yourself is to find some new friends. Its not hard - I moved to Dallas shortly after I broke up with her for a job and made friends very quickly. Single guys are easy to hang out with - little is expected. You could join a sports team, just hang out at a bar, try organizing a happy hour after work etc, etc.

Work out - become a beast at the gym - will make you feel much better about yourself. Eat well.

Remember that regrets are normal. Don't feel like you are wierd or abnormal. Break ups happen every day yet they always feel like the most intense personal and unique experiences. Never invest your identity into a relationship - never become a we. You are always an individual and will be happy or miserable on your own merits - a relationship can amplify either quality in you. If things weren't going well then a negative aspect about you was being amplified and its best to be avoided. My sister got married young with her first boyfriend and it took them a long time to smooth things out - in retrospect she is the one that pointed out that she had invested her identity in a relationship and hadn't come to peace within herself.

Ultimately the only thing you have lost forever is innocence. You will have some scars after this. That type of innocent first love that you had only really happens once - afterwards you will always be a little hesitant, a little cautious, a little bit hardened. Just keep your chin up and you'll do allright. Best of luck.

Popps
04-16-2009, 01:11 AM
Hope mom is doing well, Montrose.

As for the rest of it, just deal with it at your own pace. There's no time-table and no one formula that works for everyone in these situations.

As for the advice on this thread. Here's a simple filter for you...

If you are considering any advice given, click "view profile" and look at the posters age. If they're under 30, disregard every single thing they said. If they're over 30, you can BEGIN considering their opinions to have some validity, based on varying other factors.

Hang in there, kid!

MileHighMagic
04-16-2009, 07:11 AM
As for the advice on this thread. Here's a simple filter for you...

If you are considering any advice given, click "view profile" and look at the posters age. If they're under 30, disregard every single thing they said. If they're over 30, you can BEGIN considering their opinions to have some validity, based on varying other factors.

Yeah, because if you are over 30 you are magically more knowledgeable in the ways of women and are guaranteed to have had more relationships and experience. Nice logic, ace.

Hulamau
04-16-2009, 07:37 AM
Ok Montrose- This is love/relationship advice from Rugbythug distilled into a unordered list posted on a Football Message Board. (just so you know the value) I myself am probably very similar to you only 10 years older. I did not have a ton of relationships. Did not screw a bunch of chics (because I did not think it was right) I cam from a 2 parent stable christian home. And then wanted the same. This is common. People who are raised in Chaos yearn for more chaos and stable repels them.

A) There is not one person for each of us. There are lots and lots. Just be honest about what you are and what you want.
B) If you need to go through all the machinations as you did for Valentines Day it is never going to work. If you ever buy an engagement ring, Get one that is just OK. Then if she complains or is any way anything less than ecstatic you know she is not the right girl. The ring should make here ecstatic not because it is a big diamond but because it is a commitment.
C) Look at backgrounds. This is more important than people give credence to. If you don't like the Circus don't marry the Clowns daughter no matter how hot she is.
D) Find women where you are. If you like sports marry a waitress in a sports bar. Or a Girl on the opposing softball team.
E) Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

There it is.

Solid Advice RT

Hotrod
04-16-2009, 07:44 AM
God, those must have been painful dismounts on the uneven bars.

I think I'm using the wrong word here. Not uneven bars like in gymnastics. They were just a bar that kids would hang from and the girls would get up on and hook their leg around and do a spin kinda thing.

Someone help me here I cant even google a pic of one..........how old am I apparently they dont even put these things on playgrounds anymore Ha!

Hulamau
04-16-2009, 07:45 AM
Yeah, because if you are over 30 you are magically more knowledgeable in the ways of women and are guaranteed to have had more relationships and experience. Nice logic, ace.

Not guaranteed but the odds are definitely with the wisdom with age thesis Popp puts forward here. Besides the Cerebral Cortex and brain neurons don't finish maturing until around age 25 and so being under 30 doesn't give a lot of time with your head operating intact with all its marbles yet :-)

Doesn't mean older guys automatically have more wisdom as some older farts also keep making the same mistakes over and over, but Popps' general guideline is sound nonetheless, and for any of you under thirty guys that think you have it all locked down tight, spare me and let's talk in 20 years. 8')

Hotrod
04-16-2009, 07:46 AM
wait here we go

http://www.lachanduriere.com/USERIMAGES/playground4.jpg

theAPAOps5
04-16-2009, 07:55 AM
Dude, Montrose, I highly recommend you follow RT's advice solid stuff there. I promise that in 3 months you will reflect back on this period and have a whole different outlook.

You have had one girlfriend yet you thought she was the one? How do you know? You don't, you just wanted her to be the one. Maybe it was convienant, maybe you were comfortable. But you have to test drive the opposite sex just like you test drive the car you buy. You find flaws you never thought you would dislike and you find qualities you had no clue you would ever enjoy.

Go out there and look to have fun when you feel up to it. Don't go into each potential date only looking for the "one". They will find you when you are ready.

TheReverend
04-16-2009, 07:57 AM
wait here we go

http://www.lachanduriere.com/USERIMAGES/playground4.jpg

That thing was a panty shot machine!

theAPAOps5
04-16-2009, 08:01 AM
That thing was a panty shot machine!

Yep pretty sure I saw my first glimpse of a hoo haw thanks to the genius who invented those.

BFDD
04-16-2009, 08:05 AM
Hope mom is doing well, Montrose.

As for the rest of it, just deal with it at your own pace. There's no time-table and no one formula that works for everyone in these situations.

As for the advice on this thread. Here's a simple filter for you...

If you are considering any advice given, click "view profile" and look at the posters age. If they're under 30, disregard every single thing they said. If they're over 30, you can BEGIN considering their opinions to have some validity, based on varying other factors.

Hang in there, kid!

Normally I'm with you on most of your posts. But old man, you are way off base.

I know several "over 30" people that are absolutely clueless. I'm a couple weeks shy of 29, but that doesn't make me a relationship moron.

Age has nothing to do with knowledge and/or wisdom. Admittedly, older folks tend to be more wise, but us whipper snappers can be just as effective in judgment.

as for montrose... Brother, thank god that woman was human enough to tell you the truth. Call her and THANK her for doing the right thing.

Nothing sucks more than when a woman starts to have a wondering eye and conveniently forgets to tell you that "she doesn't love you any more". I've experienced that first hand. My x-wife had an affair with my best friend. I wish my X had the humanity that your x-girlfriend had.

If you get back into Denver and you want to get away, hit me up. We can go paint the town red.

rbackfactory80
04-16-2009, 08:13 AM
Normally I'm with you on most of your posts. But old man, you are way off base.

I know several "over 30" people that are absolutely clueless. I'm a couple weeks shy of 29, but that doesn't make me a relationship moron.

Age has nothing to do with knowledge and/or wisdom. Admittedly, older folks tend to be more wise, but us whipper snappers can be just as effective in judgment.

as for montrose... Brother, thank god that woman was human enough to tell you the truth. Call her and THANK her for doing the right thing.

Nothing sucks more than when a woman starts to have a wondering eye and conveniently forgets to tell you that "she doesn't love you any more". I've experienced that first hand. My x-wife had an affair with my best friend. I wish my X had the humanity that your x-girlfriend had.

If you get back into Denver and you want to get away, hit me up. We can go paint the town red.


Horrible stuff, guess its safe to say he isn't your best friend anymore.

montrose
04-16-2009, 08:26 AM
I can't thank everyone enough on here for their help. It's gotten harder and harder with every day and I've been reaching out to anyone and everyone who will listen. The last, last, thing I want to do now is spend time alone. I'm still holding onto that hope that I'll win her back, but I realize that I can't count on it.

Hotrod
04-16-2009, 08:28 AM
Slow down and read my friends. Popps said it was a good place to start he didnt say EVERYONE over 30 knows everything.

worm
04-16-2009, 08:33 AM
Slow down and read my friends. Popps said it was a good place to start he didnt say EVERYONE over 30 knows everything.

No. He said everyone UNDER 30 knows nothing. That was the sticking point.

Hotrod
04-16-2009, 08:34 AM
I can't thank everyone enough on here for their help. It's gotten harder and harder with every day and I've been reaching out to anyone and everyone who will listen. The last, last, thing I want to do now is spend time alone. I'm still holding onto that hope that I'll win her back, but I realize that I can't count on it.

Alot of great advice here Montrose but let me add something.

Remember every situation is different. What worked for one poster here may not work for you. What it boils down to is what do YOU want and what will work for YOU. At the end of the day you are your own man. You have to be happy with the choices you make.

Hotrod
04-16-2009, 08:35 AM
No. He said everyone UNDER 30 knows nothing. That was the sticking point.

Ok that is wrong I agree. I think the basis of the post is still sound. Experiance does come with age but yes not everyone under 30 is retardedly stupid.

TheDave
04-16-2009, 08:59 AM
Ok that is wrong I agree...

Horse****... 90% of this board is stupid in ways I never thought possible. The other 10% that don't resemble a retarded monkey after an all night binger are most certainly made up of the older folks.

The problem with being 20 is that you have no idea how stupid you are until you are no longer 20... The only thing our 20-something friends have going for them is that they now realize just how stupid they were as teenagers.

now pardon me while i go make more friends... ;D

MileHighMagic
04-16-2009, 09:06 AM
http://www.adweek.com/adweek/photos/stylus/36866-AgeismL.jpg

Pony Boy
04-16-2009, 09:09 AM
Horse****... 90% of this board is stupid in ways I never thought possible. The other 10% that don't resemble a retarded monkey after an all night binger are most certainly made up of the older folks.

The problem with being 20 is that you have no idea how stupid you are until you are no longer 20... The only thing our 20-something friends have going for them is that they now realize just how stupid they were as teenagers.

now pardon me while i go make more friends... ;D

"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill, every time."

baja
04-16-2009, 09:13 AM
Ok that is wrong I agree. I think the basis of the post is still sound. Experiance does come with age but yes not everyone under 30 is retardedly stupid.

Oh ya well I'm 60 and I think an 8 page thread about this is piss your pants funny and when you consider they were never lovers well than it just becomes a sad statement on todays American men.

TheDave
04-16-2009, 09:15 AM
Oh ya well I'm 60 and I think a 10 page thread about this is piss your pants funny and when you consider they were never lovers well than it just becomes a sad statement on todays American men.

first you need to put men in quotes. Then...Lock the thread!

SureShot
04-16-2009, 09:58 AM
8 pages of awesome. May this thread never die.

Hulamau
04-16-2009, 10:07 AM
I can't thank everyone enough on here for their help. It's gotten harder and harder with every day and I've been reaching out to anyone and everyone who will listen. The last, last, thing I want to do now is spend time alone. I'm still holding onto that hope that I'll win her back, but I realize that I can't count on it.

Montrose, spending time alone is a wonderful thing to do now. Take this opportunity to get comfortable with yourself on your own, just as it is.

Not only will you be far more attractive to the right kind of girl for you, when she see's, inherently, that you can stand squarely on your own two feet and are not expecting her to bring and fill you with happiness, but you also now have a great chance to find that source of strength and contentment inside yourself, which is the only place you will ever find anything lasting, solid and worthwhile.

Women can sense that kind of easy going confidence and inner peace with oneself, and that is not only very appealing and reassuring to them but is the only healthy way to enter a relationship.

The very best place you can be is not needing anyone else to feel happy and fulfilled .. then from there you are truly open for something special whether it is with a special someone for the rest of you life, or embracing the mystery on your own.

A relationship is always miles ahead when both people are comfortable in their own skin and not looking for and demanding the other to complete them.

As others have said here, now is a time to experience that pain and heartache full on, you don't need any crutches now, you have everything you need already.

And yet, know too, that the pain will pass and on the other end is a brighter day.. and a better life is there for the taking.

Best of luck!

~Crash~
04-16-2009, 10:16 AM
I certainly get the point in having some scars to see clearly. I don't how much I would've been sacrificing or compromising though, at least not more than in any other relationship. I agree that I didn't want to settle for something or someone, but I suppose I'm a bit of a realist and was happy with the relationship I had.

The idea of finding someone new is the most scary Rev. And I'm not saying this to put her up on a pedestal, because she certainly had a ton of flaws that frustrated the hell out of me and I have no doubt there are other, incredible women out there. It's the process that scares me. I wouldn't even know where to begin. It could take months, even years, before I found someone "right for me" while my value set (non-religions but doesn't drink and willing to wait until marriage) isn't exactly at the fore front of many girls my age. I just don't know what to do.

dood she dumped you chicken **** style that means she is not worth your worry I had the same thing happen to me I did not handle it right at all . you are young don't worrie get out there and have fun move on . there are places on the web that will help you I sure wish I had computers to help me out like you do now .

Natedogg
04-16-2009, 10:51 AM
God, I hope she is not reading this.

montrose
04-16-2009, 11:07 AM
God, I hope she is not reading this.

Haha, first virtual smile I've had in a while.;D She knew I was a part of a Broncos message board, mainly because I've become friends with Apa and Kahn. Regardless, I'm sure she knows how I feel, I don't think anything here would surprise her. The crazy thing are these roller coaster rides of mood swings. Right this second I feel okay while 30 minutes ago I went outside and nearly had a panic attack. I have no idea what's controlling these changes but they're quite hard.

baja
04-16-2009, 11:10 AM
Haha, first virtual smile I've had in a while.;D She knew I was a part of a Broncos message board, mainly because I've become friends with Apa and Kahn. Regardless, I'm sure she knows how I feel, I don't think anything here would surprise her. The crazy thing are these roller coaster rides of mood swings. Right this second I feel okay while 30 minutes ago I went outside and nearly had a panic attack. I have no idea what's controlling these changes but they're quite hard.

Damn dude get back to posting those great articles you are famous for finding and cut this other shiit out.

hint for ya; Be emotionally complete, women swoon for that.
They don't want mommas boys that is likely why she left in the first place.

vancejohnson82
04-16-2009, 11:12 AM
my first breakup happened when i was 21....i had just graduated college and had been dating the girl for 5 years....about 3 months into that summer of job hunting, moving back home, working two jobs to move down near her (philly) and overall trying to figure myself out she called up and said she met an ex-boyfriend and they "hooked up"

she's still dating him today, even though he stole from her parents and she is absolutely whacko....meanwhile, I'm kinda wacko but seem to have my stuff together more than she ever will...

bottom line, although it tore me up for about a year, in retrospect it was the best thing that ever happened to me because she was dead weight in my life and i got to move on....embrace it and move forward

oh, and there's no way to speed up the healing process, and you never iwll completely get over it.....thats part of life....but every day you learn to deal with it better and better until eventually it becomes a nice part of your life

vancejohnson82
04-16-2009, 11:15 AM
oh and for the first three months after she dumped me, this kid and his friends had a ball calling me up in the middle of the night and talking ****....they also broke one of my car windows

at least you dont have to deal with taht

azbroncfan
04-16-2009, 11:17 AM
You have no chance if she reads this. This thread keeps getting funnier and funnier. Welcome to life kid probably won't be the last breakup you have either. You are just going through with draws and the best way to cope is to keep busy doing something to take your mind off it and this thread isn't helping. It's keeping us all entertained though.

SouthStndJunkie
04-16-2009, 11:22 AM
Yep pretty sure I saw my first glimpse of a hoo haw thanks to the genius who invented those.

Chester the Molester was the first to invent those bars.

McDman
04-16-2009, 11:27 AM
Go all O.J. on her ass!

Los Broncos
04-16-2009, 11:31 AM
When my gf broke up with me last year the feeling was just terrible.

At the time I thought I would never make it through, that feeling that leaves your body and mind sucks.

Kind of an empty feeling, but a year after things couldn't be better, hang tough and get to know Jack D.

worm
04-16-2009, 11:39 AM
Horse****... 90% of this board is stupid in ways I never thought possible. The other 10% that don't resemble a retarded monkey after an all night binger are most certainly made up of the older folks.

The problem with being 20 is that you have no idea how stupid you are until you are no longer 20... The only thing our 20-something friends have going for them is that they now realize just how stupid they were as teenagers.

now pardon me while i go make more friends... ;D

Using your age=logic theory...Baja would be one of the smartest posters on this board given his age....and we all know THAT isn't true. :thanku:

baja
04-16-2009, 01:02 PM
Ah but it is. ;D

Old Dude
04-16-2009, 01:45 PM
I don't know if this applies to Montrose, but as a general rule it's cheaper to get over it.

$39.99 to get her back:

http://www.getyourexgirlfriendback.com/?gclid=CJ7Uh5Wh9pkCFQdN5QodChU0Qg

or

$19.00 to get over her and be happy.

http://vitalcoaching.com/x7/my_girlfriend_dumped_me.htm


So is she really worth the extra $20.99?

If she dumped you, probably not. But what do I know?

ak1971
04-16-2009, 01:48 PM
Go all O.J. on her ass!

it always comes down to ass play :wave:

Kaylore
04-16-2009, 01:59 PM
I don't know if this applies to Montrose, but as a general rule it's cheaper to get over it.

$39.99 to get her back:

http://www.getyourexgirlfriendback.com/?gclid=CJ7Uh5Wh9pkCFQdN5QodChU0Qg


That's easy.


Ignore her. Like pretend she's dead. This creates paranoia and is surprisingly easy to do.
Be seen in public with a hot girl. You don't even have to be interested. Word will get back, and she'll go crazy.


Of course this can work to bring her back (for the wrong reasons) or just exact revenge. It works (or at least for me it did.) Something about a guy not being upset after she breaks up with him that women can't stand. They start to second guess themselves, they wonder why you were able to move on so quickly. Did they make a mistake? Did he want to break up too? How DARE he!!! You should be miserable! The nerve! I need to talk to him and find out why....just...you know...for closure.

ROFL! Yes, I could be a manipulative douche bag. :haw!:

Old Dude
04-16-2009, 02:26 PM
Well, look on the bright side.

If you get dumped at that age, what's the worst that could happen. Okay, so maybe you'll be depressed for - oh, I don't know - 18 months or so. Sure. It might have have some negative effects on your job. Your health. Your energy and life choices.

But after eighteen months, you can rise above the depression and make a choice.

(1) Stay single and don't trust anyone. Don't become emotionally intimate with anyone, because you could get dumped again and then you'd be a two-time loser. So you have to be really, really picky. And distant. Now this may sound like a drag, but the good news is that you'll be primed to be a real workaholic. Unless you hang around the internet too much, in which case you'll just be pathetic. So the key here is that if you choose isolation, be a man about it and get rid of your PC too. Be careful not to make too much money whil eyou're in workaholic mode, though. That will tempt you to into going out more to spend it, which you don't need. So make sure that all your workaholic energy is devoted to something noble and selfless.

(2) Rebound. Find someone who is even more like your old girlfriend than she is herself. This way you come out ahead all the way around (unless or until she dumps you too.) But even if she does, you can always go back to option (1).

(3) "Reverse-rebound" and try to find someone who is less like your GF than anyone else you can think of. That will really show her that she was wrong in every thing she ever thought or did. Unfortunately, this usually ends in a disaster, but you can always bounce back up to (1) or (2).


Do all of this for the next 20 years or so, then come back to this thread, or one like it, and make fun of the twenty-somethings.


(Just saved you $39.99)

24champ
04-16-2009, 02:34 PM
Be seen in public with a hot girl. You don't even have to be interested. Word will get back, and she'll go crazy.


Is your wife available? Like you said he just needs to be seen with one...:wave:

ak1971
04-16-2009, 02:35 PM
be sure to work a cleveland steamer into your next fling.

SouthStndJunkie
04-16-2009, 02:50 PM
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SouthStndJunkie
04-16-2009, 02:55 PM
Don't take that song literally.

TheReverend
04-16-2009, 04:25 PM
my first breakup happened when i was 21....i had just graduated college and had been dating the girl for 5 years....about 3 months into that summer of job hunting, moving back home, working two jobs to move down near her (philly) and overall trying to figure myself out she called up and said she met an ex-boyfriend and they "hooked up"

she's still dating him today, even though he stole from her parents and she is absolutely whacko....meanwhile, I'm kinda wacko but seem to have my stuff together more than she ever will...

bottom line, although it tore me up for about a year, in retrospect it was the best thing that ever happened to me because she was dead weight in my life and i got to move on....embrace it and move forward

oh, and there's no way to speed up the healing process, and you never iwll completely get over it.....thats part of life....but every day you learn to deal with it better and better until eventually it becomes a nice part of your life

PLEASE tell me the girl you're talking about is named "Steph"

TheReverend
04-16-2009, 04:26 PM
Don't take that song literally.

NOW you tell me? Gotta move to Mexico now...

Popps
04-16-2009, 04:58 PM
Yeah, because if you are over 30 you are magically more knowledgeable in the ways of women and are guaranteed to have had more relationships and experience. Nice logic, ace.

Yes. Absolutely... and thank you.

DBroncos4life
04-16-2009, 05:41 PM
That's easy.


Ignore her. Like pretend she's dead. This creates paranoia and is surprisingly easy to do.
Be seen in public with a hot girl. You don't even have to be interested. Word will get back, and she'll go crazy.


Of course this can work to bring her back (for the wrong reasons) or just exact revenge. It works (or at least for me it did.) Something about a guy not being upset after she breaks up with him that women can't stand. They start to second guess themselves, they wonder why you were able to move on so quickly. Did they make a mistake? Did he want to break up too? How DARE he!!! You should be miserable! The nerve! I need to talk to him and find out why....just...you know...for closure.

ROFL! Yes, I could be a manipulative douche bag. :haw!:

Ignoring her is an amazing thing. It worked so well for me that I got her back, only to have her cheat on me. Epic fail :giggle:

Popps
04-17-2009, 12:55 AM
No. He said everyone UNDER 30 knows nothing. That was the sticking point.

How's this... if you're choosing someone to take relationship advice from, you're going to bat a MUCH higher average seeking it from someone who's well into their 30s (or higher), than messing around with dudes in their 20s.

If you disagree with that statement, it just means you probably haven't lived long enough to know it's an undebatable fact.

vancejohnson82
04-17-2009, 07:07 AM
PLEASE tell me the girl you're talking about is named "Steph"

no, it was MARISA....and she is a giant "C" word

the thing about women is that they aren't worth messing around with emotionally until they are over 25 because they are a wreck from 16-25....thats my two cents

worm
04-17-2009, 07:14 AM
How's this... if you're choosing someone to take relationship advice from, you're going to bat a MUCH higher average seeking it from someone who's well into their 30s (or higher), than messing around with dudes in their 20s.

If you disagree with that statement, it just means you probably haven't lived long enough to know it's an undebatable fact.

See? You can make sense when you try. ;D

montrose
04-17-2009, 07:54 AM
Feeling a little better this morning. Beginning to harp on feelings of anger, which seems to help a little. Still a roller coaster ride, almost had a panic attack yesterday and thought about changing my flight to come back to Denver. Luckily I didn't do it. I still need closure, badly. Just deleted every post relating to her or reminding me of her in my Facebook profile, it's a 1st step. I'm currently making a list of everything she did to piss me off and why it wouldn't have worked in the long run. It seems to be helping but it's still going to be a long recovery back.

alkemical
04-17-2009, 08:08 AM
I think you need to read mirror magazine ;)

SouthStndJunkie
04-17-2009, 08:10 AM
Feeling a little better this morning. Beginning to harp on feelings of anger, which seems to help a little. Still a roller coaster ride, almost had a panic attack yesterday and thought about changing my flight to come back to Denver. Luckily I didn't do it. I still need closure, badly. Just deleted every post relating to her or reminding me of her in my Facebook profile, it's a 1st step. I'm currently making a list of everything she did to piss me off and why it wouldn't have worked in the long run. It seems to be helping but it's still going to be a long recovery back.

You sound like a basket case right now.

TheReverend
04-17-2009, 08:51 AM
Embrace the dark side.

alkemical
04-17-2009, 09:08 AM
he should lay that story out at a bar around a group of chicks - someone's going to give him some tang

SureShot
04-17-2009, 09:10 AM
he should lay that story out at a bar around a group of chicks - someone's going to give him some tang

Seriously go get some sympathy poon.

vancejohnson82
04-17-2009, 09:11 AM
go get a dog.........

replace one bitch with another

alkemical
04-17-2009, 09:11 AM
I remember when my ex-fiancee told me she was ****ing some dude down the hall or what-ever - i hooked up with this girl from her building like 3 days later -

"I don't like how she treated you, so here - screw me"

ghwk
04-17-2009, 09:38 AM
You sound like a basket case right now.

Oh that is sure to help. LOL

kappys
04-17-2009, 10:45 AM
no, it was MARISA....and she is a giant "C" word

the thing about women is that they aren't worth messing around with emotionally until they are over 25 because they are a wreck from 16-25....thats my two cents

Wait a second - that's why I mess around with girls from that age. :wiggle:

vancejohnson82
04-17-2009, 10:53 AM
Wait a second - that's why I mess around with girls from that age. :wiggle:

my quote was "messing around with them emotionally"......physically go right ahead, but just don't expect to get some sort of sane, stable lifemate at that age

lazarus4444
04-25-2009, 09:40 PM
How's it coming montrose?

montrose
04-26-2009, 05:06 PM
How's it coming montrose?

Still a roller coaster ride of emotions. Some parts of the day are better than others but in general, still pretty down. Not looking forward to coming home to Denver at all this Thursday.

Sassy
04-26-2009, 05:20 PM
How's your mom?

OABB
04-26-2009, 05:27 PM
pussy, meet pedestal.

montrose, i like you, but you are in danger of ending up with a real controlling ****. I imagine, being a virgin and using relationships as a crutch you will be swept away very easy.

some broad with kids and no job will see you coming from a mile away.

you need to start off really slow because your thinking isn't clear.

sorry to sound harsh, but you need a good slap in the face.

you are in danger of ending up with the wrong person my friend. and that is way way worse than being alone.

montrose
04-27-2009, 08:23 AM
How's your mom?

She's recovering, some days better than others. She had been doing a lot better lately - up and around moving, less pain, etc. - but the last two days she's been struggling again. The doctor said she's got one more week of recovery and then needs to begin activity to build up her stamina again. I think she'll be okay but it will take some time before she's 100%.

p***Y, meet pedestal.

montrose, i like you, but you are in danger of ending up with a real controlling ****. I imagine, being a virgin and using relationships as a crutch you will be swept away very easy.

some broad with kids and no job will see you coming from a mile away.

you need to start off really slow because your thinking isn't clear.

sorry to sound harsh, but you need a good slap in the face.

you are in danger of ending up with the wrong person my friend. and that is way way worse than being alone.

What I think you guys need to realize, as I have through professional help, is that much of this are my own personal issues and insecurities. In short, I don't like myself - never have. I'd give anything in the world to trade places and be someone else. I've battled with internal demons since I was about 10 years old, and they've gotten progressively worse with age. I don't think putting the ***** on a pedestal is the right definition for my situation. It's accurate in part, but this isn't so much about me loving one person so much or even needing to have someone in my life - although those are both part of my pain. For me, this relationship gave me something to look forward to every day. It finally made me feel like a part of society opposed to not being good enough for it. I've tried volunteering, joining a gym and will soon enroll in school in an effort to find anything that intrinsically motivates me to want to wake up in the morning. At this point, if my plane crashed Thursday, the only thing I'd be upset about is the pain I'd cause my family. But for me personally, I just don't even see anything worth living for - and I know that's a problem. That's why I have professionals to help me. I battle my mind every day and it's an exhausting fight, when I look in the mirror I hate everything I see. When I was with her, for the first time in my life I didn't feel that way anymore because someone else actually viewed me as being worth a damn. Now it's all gone, I'm back - alone again with only myself and my dark thoughts. I'll get as involved as I can with things to try and overcome my issues, but one thing I learned through this situation is that I can't count on another person to help me feel better about myself - it just doesn't work and the consequences are too painful to bear.

vancejohnson82
04-27-2009, 08:46 AM
She's recovering, some days better than others. She had been doing a lot better lately - up and around moving, less pain, etc. - but the last two days she's been struggling again. The doctor said she's got one more week of recovery and then needs to begin activity to build up her stamina again. I think she'll be okay but it will take some time before she's 100%.



What I think you guys need to realize, as I have through professional help, is that much of this are my own personal issues and insecurities. In short, I don't like myself - never have. I'd give anything in the world to trade places and be someone else. I've battled with internal demons since I was about 10 years old, and they've gotten progressively worse with age. I don't think putting the ***** on a pedestal is the right definition for my situation. It's accurate in part, but this isn't so much about me loving one person so much or even needing to have someone in my life - although those are both part of my pain. For me, this relationship gave me something to look forward to every day. It finally made me feel like a part of society opposed to not being good enough for it. I've tried volunteering, joining a gym and will soon enroll in school in an effort to find anything that intrinsically motivates me to want to wake up in the morning. At this point, if my plane crashed Thursday, the only thing I'd be upset about is the pain I'd cause my family. But for me personally, I just don't even see anything worth living for - and I know that's a problem. That's why I have professionals to help me. I battle my mind every day and it's an exhausting fight, when I look in the mirror I hate everything I see. When I was with her, for the first time in my life I didn't feel that way anymore because someone else actually viewed me as being worth a damn. Now it's all gone, I'm back - alone again with only myself and my dark thoughts. I'll get as involved as I can with things to try and overcome my issues, but one thing I learned through this situation is that I can't count on another person to help me feel better about myself - it just doesn't work and the consequences are too painful to bear.


dude, at your age I was in the same exact position....not to get too explicit on a message board but those "internal demons" and thoughts that you just talked about were starting to actually materialize in actions I took against myself....it was absolutely the WORST time of my life and I became a different person who cared about nothing and I hated myself.

Well, long story short, time heals all wounds. It sucks to say that because it doesnt help you at all at the moment, but a year or two down the road you will be a COMPLETELY different person with a whole new perspective on the situation.....professional help is beneficial, but in reality, unless you start to change your own outlook, its a hollow exercise.

Seriously, don't let anyone downplay the situation or just tell you to get over it. This kind of a reaction is normal for many people and each person deals with it a different way.

OABB
04-27-2009, 09:04 AM
She's recovering, some days better than others. She had been doing a lot better lately - up and around moving, less pain, etc. - but the last two days she's been struggling again. The doctor said she's got one more week of recovery and then needs to begin activity to build up her stamina again. I think she'll be okay but it will take some time before she's 100%.



What I think you guys need to realize, as I have through professional help, is that much of this are my own personal issues and insecurities. In short, I don't like myself - never have. I'd give anything in the world to trade places and be someone else. I've battled with internal demons since I was about 10 years old, and they've gotten progressively worse with age. I don't think putting the ***** on a pedestal is the right definition for my situation. It's accurate in part, but this isn't so much about me loving one person so much or even needing to have someone in my life - although those are both part of my pain. For me, this relationship gave me something to look forward to every day. It finally made me feel like a part of society opposed to not being good enough for it. I've tried volunteering, joining a gym and will soon enroll in school in an effort to find anything that intrinsically motivates me to want to wake up in the morning. At this point, if my plane crashed Thursday, the only thing I'd be upset about is the pain I'd cause my family. But for me personally, I just don't even see anything worth living for - and I know that's a problem. That's why I have professionals to help me. I battle my mind every day and it's an exhausting fight, when I look in the mirror I hate everything I see. When I was with her, for the first time in my life I didn't feel that way anymore because someone else actually viewed me as being worth a damn. Now it's all gone, I'm back - alone again with only myself and my dark thoughts. I'll get as involved as I can with things to try and overcome my issues, but one thing I learned through this situation is that I can't count on another person to help me feel better about myself - it just doesn't work and the consequences are too painful to bear.


I do see this. Believe me, you are not alone in your thoughts. No one gets out of here alive my man. Life is tough, complicated, and most importantly, bad **** happens to good people. There is no reasoning for it sometimes.

There is always someone better off, and always someone worse off than you, so don't downplay your feelings. Don't try and push anything to the side or justify any actions done to you, or done by you.

There is no judgement coming form any of us.

What I think you really need to do, my friend, is face those demons. They aren't ethereal or magical. They aren't something outside of you that has clawed it's way in, they are your interpretation to your environment.

This is the most important thing you will ever hear. These "demon's" are you. they are there to remind you that there is something you aren't being honest about, something you aren't dealing with.

Professionals mean well, but usually they like to give you an out by calling depression a "disease" or talking about brain chemistry or "demon's"
This is the inherent problem. There is no one telling you to take responsibility. every time you view your feelings as an outsider you are missing the chance to heal.

You are not dealing with something. You know it, and everyday that you justify, or see it as demon's or "insecurities" or "not liking yourself" is another day you aren't facing the cold hard truth.

I tell you this because I know exactly what you are going through.

It's o.k. my man, life goes on. If you have the stones, you can start to deal with whatever it is that you are hiding from. have faith and courage and work your butt off to be honest with yourself.

you are a good person, Even I can tell through a message board.

montrose
04-27-2009, 09:11 AM
dude, at your age I was in the same exact position....not to get too explicit on a message board but those "internal demons" and thoughts that you just talked about were starting to actually materialize in actions I took against myself....it was absolutely the WORST time of my life and I became a different person who cared about nothing and I hated myself.

Well, long story short, time heals all wounds. It sucks to say that because it doesnt help you at all at the moment, but a year or two down the road you will be a COMPLETELY different person with a whole new perspective on the situation.....professional help is beneficial, but in reality, unless you start to change your own outlook, its a hollow exercise.

Seriously, don't let anyone downplay the situation or just tell you to get over it. This kind of a reaction is normal for many people and each person deals with it a different way.

Vance, thanks for your comments. Those who don't struggle with a low self-esteem may not realize how powerful self-hate is. In these past two weeks, I've begun to realize more and more is that I'm blaming my pain for losing the person I love on myself. If I didn't have these issues, maybe she wouldn't have wanted to end things. If I could stand up to my family, maybe I would've been open to moving back west and this whole thing would've been averted. If I didn't have to go to therapy, maybe she would've seen me as a more emotionally stable person. Unfortunately, these are questions I'll never know the answer to and battle with every day. I'm glad your situation worked out in the long run and I'm hoping mine does the same. I really wish I could undertake some type of neurological surgery that would change the way I feel about myself but that's just not realistic. The reality is that I'm likely to battle with myself for a long time, probably the rest of my life, and it wouldn't be fair of me to drag someone else into that. For whatever reason, I was chosen as a person destined to be chronically unhappy - I suppose I'm learning to accept it and deal it with it until my number's called.

TheReverend
04-27-2009, 09:13 AM
She's recovering, some days better than others. She had been doing a lot better lately - up and around moving, less pain, etc. - but the last two days she's been struggling again. The doctor said she's got one more week of recovery and then needs to begin activity to build up her stamina again. I think she'll be okay but it will take some time before she's 100%.



What I think you guys need to realize, as I have through professional help, is that much of this are my own personal issues and insecurities. In short, I don't like myself - never have. I'd give anything in the world to trade places and be someone else. I've battled with internal demons since I was about 10 years old, and they've gotten progressively worse with age. I don't think putting the ***** on a pedestal is the right definition for my situation. It's accurate in part, but this isn't so much about me loving one person so much or even needing to have someone in my life - although those are both part of my pain. For me, this relationship gave me something to look forward to every day. It finally made me feel like a part of society opposed to not being good enough for it. I've tried volunteering, joining a gym and will soon enroll in school in an effort to find anything that intrinsically motivates me to want to wake up in the morning. At this point, if my plane crashed Thursday, the only thing I'd be upset about is the pain I'd cause my family. But for me personally, I just don't even see anything worth living for - and I know that's a problem. That's why I have professionals to help me. I battle my mind every day and it's an exhausting fight, when I look in the mirror I hate everything I see. When I was with her, for the first time in my life I didn't feel that way anymore because someone else actually viewed me as being worth a damn. Now it's all gone, I'm back - alone again with only myself and my dark thoughts. I'll get as involved as I can with things to try and overcome my issues, but one thing I learned through this situation is that I can't count on another person to help me feel better about myself - it just doesn't work and the consequences are too painful to bear.

Good people shouldn't hate themselves.

People like me should. :)

Clear your head and immerse yourself in a couple extra activities. Let everything you hate and are angry about motivate you in them. If you truly don't like who you are, then become something more.

Meck77
04-27-2009, 09:19 AM
If you truly don't like who you are, then become something more.

Good advice.

I look at it like this. "Be the change you want to see". All to often people wait for things to change around them. It doesn't work that way and you have to make it happen and it starts with YOU.

Natedogg
04-27-2009, 09:23 AM
Chin up Tros!!

I really think joining any kind of sports league will be good for you. badminton, basket ball, lawn darts, anything that has competition. its strange what a "drug" organized competition is. it really is a great way to take your mind off of life's worries and meet other people.

I said the above earlier... just repeating it again. And watch Swingers. It will be insightful for you, i promise.

Worst comes to worst, there is always the Broncos!!! Looking that opening weekend has got me through a lot of tough times in life.

Gort
04-27-2009, 10:07 AM
Vance, thanks for your comments. Those who don't struggle with a low self-esteem may not realize how powerful self-hate is. In these past two weeks, I've begun to realize more and more is that I'm blaming my pain for losing the person I love on myself. If I didn't have these issues, maybe she wouldn't have wanted to end things. If I could stand up to my family, maybe I would've been open to moving back west and this whole thing would've been averted. If I didn't have to go to therapy, maybe she would've seen me as a more emotionally stable person. Unfortunately, these are questions I'll never know the answer to and battle with every day. I'm glad your situation worked out in the long run and I'm hoping mine does the same. I really wish I could undertake some type of neurological surgery that would change the way I feel about myself but that's just not realistic. The reality is that I'm likely to battle with myself for a long time, probably the rest of my life, and it wouldn't be fair of me to drag someone else into that. For whatever reason, I was chosen as a person destined to be chronically unhappy - I suppose I'm learning to accept it and deal it with it until my number's called.


if your self-esteem is 100% based on what other people think of you, or more correctly what you think other people think of you, then you'll never be happy with who you are.

self-esteem includes the word "self" for a reason. you must start to understand that feeling good about yourself is 100% in your control. the things you do well, you should take pride in. the things you don't do well, you can strive to improve. that's the key to being happy with who you are. understanding that you control how you feel about you is the first step to liking yourself.

here's another tip. every time you did or said something dumb and you replay it in your mind to reinforce the bad feelings about yourself... just remember that you are the only person who remembers 99% of those things. other people are not remembering them... they are living their own lives and dealing with their own issues. don't punish yourself for something only you remember. if you walk up to a girl at a bar and she shoots you down because you said something dorky or unfunny or whatever, just remember that the next day, you're the only one that remembers. don't let that memory prevent you from trying again with the next girl. she has no idea that you said something dorky or unfunny to some other girl the night before.

montrose
04-27-2009, 12:21 PM
What I think you really need to do, my friend, is face those demons. They aren't ethereal or magical. They aren't something outside of you that has clawed it's way in, they are your interpretation to your environment.

This is the most important thing you will ever hear. These "demon's" are you. they are there to remind you that there is something you aren't being honest about, something you aren't dealing with.

This makes sense, I suppose I just don't know what it is I'm not dealing with.

Professionals mean well, but usually they like to give you an out by calling depression a "disease" or talking about brain chemistry or "demon's"
This is the inherent problem. There is no one telling you to take responsibility. every time you view your feelings as an outsider you are missing the chance to heal.

Well, I've never been told I have a disease and the term demons is one I anointed myself - rightfully or wrongfully. I do think there are people trying to get me to take responsibility, they have been for years. This isn't an issue that my relationship ended and suddenly I'm depressed, I've felt this way most of my life - and I've never been able to explain why. I just always feel like there's something inside me that makes me think I'm beneath everyone else.

You are not dealing with something. You know it, and everyday that you justify, or see it as demon's or "insecurities" or "not liking yourself" is another day you aren't facing the cold hard truth.

Again, makes sense - but I just don't know what it is. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of explaining either.

It's o.k. my man, life goes on. If you have the stones, you can start to deal with whatever it is that you are hiding from. have faith and courage and work your butt off to be honest with yourself.

I do think I need to be more honest with myself, but recently that's led to me admitting that maybe this just is my destiny and I have to accept it. I may never like myself, or what's going on in my life - but if I can get to the point where I'm so distracted that I don't think about as much - I'd take it.

you are a good person, Even I can tell through a message board.

Thank you.

Good people shouldn't hate themselves.

People like me should. :)

Haha, thanks Rev.

Clear your head and immerse yourself in a couple extra activities. Let everything you hate and are angry about motivate you in them. If you truly don't like who you are, then become something more.

I do plan on getting more and more involved by I don't know how hating myself will motivate to become something more. I hated myself in high school, so I hit the weights hard and wound up as Team Captain and had an awesome season - and felt even worse. Every time I think something will be "the solution" it winds up making me feel worse when it's over. When I say I don't like who I am, it's more than my job - I hate the fact that I have to battle myself every day. I envy bums on the street that don't have any stress in life. I just wish I could clear my head and erase my memory. I just want a fresh start, mentally.

if your self-esteem is 100% based on what other people think of you, or more correctly what you think other people think of you, then you'll never be happy with who you are.

self-esteem includes the word "self" for a reason. you must start to understand that feeling good about yourself is 100% in your control. the things you do well, you should take pride in. the things you don't do well, you can strive to improve. that's the key to being happy with who you are. understanding that you control how you feel about you is the first step to liking yourself.

I don't know how much my esteem is being defined by others. The thing about my girlfriend was that she was the first person that liked me for me, that I could really be myself around and not only did she tolerate it - she seemed to like my personality and support me. What happened was that as time went on and she saw more of my issues and problems that returned shortly into the relationship - I think the emotional roller coaster I put her on proved to be too much. It was hard for her to invest in me when I won't invest in myself.

I'm still having a hard time grasping that I control how I feel about myself. It just seems that the thoughts come naturally and no matter what I do to fight through them - I still feel bad. I can lie to myself and say "today's a great day!" and force myself to go out and do a bunch of things that I enjoy, but in the back of my mind it feels fake and forced. I don't take any pride in anything that I do well, and I don't know why. I come back from volunteering for a few hours and feel like crap. The only thing I can think of in my life that made more happy than unhappy in a given day was the thought that someone I loved actually loved me back. And I know they say winners look forward and losers look back, well color me a loser because I can't help but look back and whenever I look forward I don't see anything to look forward to. I'll keep throwing things at the wall in hopes they stick, because that's all I really can do at this point.

TheReverend
05-07-2009, 12:18 PM
Bump. You holding up alright?

montrose
05-07-2009, 12:28 PM
Waking up every morning is a challenge. Being back here in Denver for a week has been especially tough. Everything around here is a reminder, not to mention driving past DU nearly every day. I'm hoping that in a month when she's back in Junction that it won't be quite as bad. I'm extremely thankful for having people like Kaylore, Apa and Oskie as friends as they've certainly done their best to be there for me. I'm doing my best to keep busy and distract myself, at the advice of my family, friends and therapist. I'm still in near unbearable pain for a majority of the day, but continue to plug away and hope that I'll wake up one morning without hating life.

Bob's your Information Minister
05-07-2009, 01:25 PM
Fallout 3 is a good diversion.

Florida_Bronco
05-07-2009, 01:26 PM
Waking up every morning is a challenge. Being back here in Denver for a week has been especially tough. Everything around here is a reminder, not to mention driving past DU nearly every day. I'm hoping that in a month when she's back in Junction that it won't be quite as bad. I'm extremely thankful for having people like Kaylore, Apa and Oskie as friends as they've certainly done their best to be there for me. I'm doing my best to keep busy and distract myself, at the advice of my family, friends and therapist. I'm still in near unbearable pain for a majority of the day, but continue to plug away and hope that I'll wake up one morning without hating life.

Have you gone out and made any new fiends? Met any new women? ???