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View Full Version : Martellus Bennett's blog. Is this man actually insane?


chickennob2
04-09-2009, 12:59 AM
Fun analysis of his recent blog posts:

http://deadspin.com/5202682/martellus-bennetts-blog-is-a-thing-of-beauty

Martellus Bennett (no relation) is best known for his fine performance on HBO's Hard Knocks and his ability to rhyme "Romo" with "homo." Now he's a blogger....and he is awesome at it.

The Dallas Morning News has turned their "Cowboy Insider" blog over to the second-year tight end, which might be the great business decision they've ever made. His first post ever was on April Fool's Day and he chose to open with the story of a buddy who found himself on a date with a woman who was not as attractive as he remembered when he first asked her out. Dilemma!

Instead of leaving he orders popcorn, sour patches and two big 44oz drinks and proceeds into the movie finds them a seat and begins to sip his drink. He watches the previews and tells her that they need to go see one of the future movies in the previews if they ever go to the movie together again and smiles. Then he goes "man this is some strong stuff it is going straight threw me I have to go to the restroom". Gets up and walks all the way to his car gets in it starts it and leaves. Hahaha. Didn't tell her bye or anything just left. Now that's funny but is truly messed up.

Yes. Yes, it is. But Marty B assures us he would have handled it differently.

And that comes to WWMBD which stands for What Would Marty B Do? Now if I were in this situation I would have handled it differently, first I would have said I wasn't feeling well the moment I saw her, that wouldve set me up to be sick at any time. Then I would've order some of the same snacks and made sure I got nachos because we all know how they can upset a stomach. Then I would've went in the movie and began to live it up during the previews while destroying all the snacks. Next I woulda been like man those nachos got my stomach churning I need to use the restroom. This is awesome at this point I'm laughing in my head. Then I would leave the theater, go wherever while texting her the whole time like I was in the bathroom. Then I would return towards the end of the movie. That's perfect I must say this is the way to go about it. Hahahaha.

OMG, that frickin' genius. The next day he takes a shot at Mel Kiper Jr., because obviously no human could watch that much game film, but that was just a warmup for this:

I believe in aliens. I've actually seen four or five of them in my lifetime. Although they aren't as smart as everyone seems to think. I played one in monopoly, checkers, and chess and I destroy him/her couldn't really tell which it was so I'm just going to call it It.

Oh. I did not see that coming. He then goes on to compete in some sort of Alien vs. Marty decathlon, a sporting contest that he may believe actually happened. Fortunately, he brings things back to Earth (see what I did there?) with today's post...

Man what do you do if your chic farts?It doesn't seem as if women should fart. I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus. OMG! Now I knew it wasn't me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her. I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty.

Where is the subscribe button? Where?!!! I don't know what Marty B would do next, but I know what he should do and that is never stop blogging. Ever. He is a gift from writing heaven.




Here is the blog:
http://cowboysinsiderblog.dallasnews.com/

Man-Goblin
04-09-2009, 03:27 AM
And that comes to WWMBD which stands for What Would Marty B Do? Now if I were in this situation I would have handled it differently, first I would have said I wasn't feeling well the moment I saw her, that wouldve set me up to be sick at any time. Then I would've order some of the same snacks and made sure I got nachos because we all know how they can upset a stomach. Then I would've went in the movie and began to live it up during the previews while destroying all the snacks. Next I woulda been like man those nachos got my stomach churning I need to use the restroom. This is awesome at this point I'm laughing in my head. Then I would leave the theater, go wherever while texting her the whole time like I was in the bathroom. Then I would return towards the end of the movie. That's perfect I must say this is the way to go about it. Hahahaha.


This is brilliant. Whoever it was at the Dallas Morning News that made the decision to give Marty B a blog deserves a raise and a pat on the back. Bravo!

chickennob2
04-09-2009, 03:29 AM
This is the full blog post about aliens:

Yowsers!! I believe in aliens. I've actually seen four or five of them in my
lifetime. Although they aren't as smart as everyone seems to think. I
played one in monopoly, checkers, and chess and I destroy him/her
couldn't really tell which it was so I'm just going to call it It. It
made the same mistakes over and over again in checkers it was funny. I
had five kings three minutes into the game. It sucked. I mean it could
have just been a dumb alien, I mean there are dumb people and I'm
probably one of them. LOL. Thanks Texas A&M LOL. Joking I love y'all I
must say I'm smarter than my teammates. Anyways! This alien was super
dumb so I decided to play him and bet something. I bet my truck in
exchange for it to stay and work for me. It accepted. So we proceeded
the first game was basketball, I knew that this would be a sure win
considering I'm awesome at the game. So the game began after I
explained the rules it understood. I got the ball first I was playing
similar to Lebron James on this particular day. Beat him 15 to 6 he
hit 3 2s. Yes I won. Next we decided to golf I suck at this. The
alien was about 4 foot 16 LOL add it up, with a Marcus Spears stomach
and Jason Witten arms. That's weird looking and it had a Peyton
Manning head with Reggie McNeal legs. So picture that. It was awesome
at golf 18 hole in ones. It won. So I decided to name it Lion Forest
LOL because it was that impressive. After that we decided to play a
game of Madden this was the final game I had to win. Of course I
picked the Cowboys, did minor roster changes made myself the starter
and so on. Lmao. It picked the Giants because it said a bunch of
aliens it knew played for them. I didn't even bother asking. Anyways I
won 42 to 3 I had 200 yards recieving and 2 tds, Witten had 136 yards
3 tds I love throwing to the TE and Jay Ratliff returned a fumble for
a td. That was the game. So now I have a alien maid and BFF, it's a
great wingman I just ask the girls if they ever been to Jupiter and we
take em. It does make weird sounds when we watch E.T or see ED on ESPN
LOL. Well if you ever wanna meet a alien holla at me.

Never stop chasing your dreams.
Peace, Love and Happiness
Marty B

Rulon Velvet Jones
04-09-2009, 04:14 AM
I know Martellus and have done some work with him and the answer is yes. He's nuts. He's a 12 yr old NFL player, but he's awesome. He'll never get arrested for what he does, so it's all good.

Broncos_OTM
04-09-2009, 05:12 AM
how can you not like this stuff. its creative and it gives us indepth on how people think. i liked it. Cheers

broncofan7
04-09-2009, 05:27 AM
Why do I have the distinct impression that we should all be impressed that he is even familiar with what 'writing a blog' is?

broncofan7
04-09-2009, 05:28 AM
how can you not like this stuff. its creative and it gives us indepth on how people think. i liked it. Cheers

For some reason, I don't sense the sarcasm in your post........