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DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:29 PM
I am not a smart man, not the sharpest tool in the shed, not the brightest bulb. This thread is dedicated to help other people not make the same mistakes I did. Kind of like in pitfall when you get eaten by a gator, or when you send a guy out in war to see if there is any snipers and he gets his head blown off

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:31 PM
Lesson number 1. If there is a couch by the dumpster, don't put it in your place, you don't know what it has on it and it will probably scratch the concrete and make you worried that you will have to pay for the scratched concrete (If anyone knows how to get scrapes or scratches off of concrete let me know. it is somewhat if a trail... to lead you to a dip**** that tried to take a couch from a dumpster.

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:32 PM
Lesson number 2. If you wear glasses and they break. Order new glasses and don't put them off. I broke my glasses. Decided to try to super glue them. So I superglued them but got glue on my lenses. Then tried to scrape the glue off. The glasses then got stuck to my head and were blurry from the super glue. I ripped off my glasses taking off a chunk of my head and blead quite a bit. So now i have super glue and a bleading head. So then I googled it and read that nail polish remover will remove the glue. So I went to the store and got a funny look from the lady. Went home and dumped remover all over my glasses. It took the glue off but also screwed up my table. When the glue was gone I realized I scratched the crap**** out of my glasses trying to remove the super glue. Glasses Screwed, Tabled fooked, head bleeding, super glue used.
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DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:32 PM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of ****, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:33 PM
Not every small black girl is named tootie

Bronx33
01-30-2009, 05:33 PM
Iam all ears..

Houshyamama
01-30-2009, 05:34 PM
okay, I laughed out loud.

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:35 PM
Buy a guitar stand. Especially if you break ****. Be careful with gorilla glue (not gorilla semen..like this super glue stuff) I was gluing my guitar back together and got some on my hand and jeans. If you do get it on your jeans RESIST the urge to scratch your balls.

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:36 PM
stolen hand soap and your mom's razors shouldn't conclude your shower experience 23295

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:36 PM
if you like to play drums and sing on rockband, by a mic, don't tape it to a hockey stick

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:40 PM
society frowns upon my entertainment center

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:42 PM
It is also un romantic if you start kissing but her nose is making a weezing sound...to stop and put a breathe right strip on her nose. It will just make her unhorny and make her look like neil smith.
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DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:43 PM
Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her pussy as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 05:48 PM
when trying to sit at a table give your real name not "table for 4 for Ted DiBiase"

SouthStndJunkie
01-30-2009, 05:57 PM
Rule of Thumb:

When your wife, who is six months pregnant starts whining about gaining some weight, don't change the name of existing songs and sing them to her constantly.

Her least favorite Junkie-altered songs:

The Commodores - Brickhouse....changed to Thick Spouse.

Disturbed - Down with the Sickness....changed to Down with the Thickness.

bowtown
01-30-2009, 06:20 PM
Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her p***Y as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

I 'm a little bit bigger fan of the pics, but this one is outstanding.

2KBack
01-30-2009, 07:05 PM
Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her p***Y as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

There are some things in life that are so full of pure genius it makes me glad to have been alive to witness them.

This is one of those things

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 07:32 PM
note to myself buy a guitar slide and don't use miller high life as a guitar slide

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 07:50 PM
No matter how many pop tarts you eat, wearing a pop tarts beanie is never allowed

TheReverend
01-30-2009, 08:03 PM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of ****, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

My favorite!

DemonEagles
01-30-2009, 08:39 PM
Don't go down on a girl and yell JOHN POPPER and start eating a girl out, Then come up for the chorus of "runaround"
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ludo21
01-31-2009, 08:49 AM
Best thread in awhile.

Malcontent
01-31-2009, 09:55 AM
Mad Demoneagles REP!

Dr. Broncenstein
01-31-2009, 10:12 AM
Don't wash your ass with washless hand sanitizer. Trust me on this one.

~Crash~
01-31-2009, 12:39 PM
Don't wash your ass with washless hand sanitizer. Trust me on this one.

Rash rash away....ROFL!

Spider
01-31-2009, 12:45 PM
Don't wash your ass with washless hand sanitizer. Trust me on this one.

LOL what in hell was you thinking ?

Dr. Broncenstein
01-31-2009, 12:51 PM
LOL what in hell was you thinking ?

Needed soap and was out of shower gel. Dispensed a bunch of "germ-x" that was hanging on the bathroom wall onto my loofa... didn't think anything about it until the alcohol-based sanitizer got near the big brown eye. That was the most painful 5 seconds of my life.

TheReverend
01-31-2009, 12:52 PM
Needed soap and was out of shower gel. Dispensed a bunch of "germ-x" that was hanging on the bathroom wall onto my loofa... didn't think anything about it until the alcohol-based sanitizer got near the big brown eye. That was the most painful 5 seconds of my life.

I hope you're happy. I have every intention of trying this now out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Dr. Broncenstein
01-31-2009, 12:56 PM
I hope you're happy. I have every intention of trying this now out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Drop a big duece and wipe yerself clean with cheap abrasive hospital TP right before hand... for the full effect.

Spider
01-31-2009, 12:56 PM
Needed soap and was out of shower gel. Dispensed a bunch of "germ-x" that was hanging on the bathroom wall onto my loofa... didn't think anything about it until the alcohol-based sanitizer got near the big brown eye. That was the most painful 5 seconds of my life.

LOL ..... when I was about 9 years old , I was staying the night at my aunts , I am still not sure how it happened , but I was siting on the couch watching TV , I hear this horrendous scream coming from the bedroom , next thing i saw was my uncle running bare assed naked , his hands on both butt cheeks screaming bloody murder ........something about my aunt spilling pure orange juice.......not to sure what went down that night , I wasnt curious enough to find out ........

TheReverend
01-31-2009, 01:13 PM
LOL ..... when I was about 9 years old , I was staying the night at my aunts , I am still not sure how it happened , but I was siting on the couch watching TV , I hear this horrendous scream coming from the bedroom , next thing i saw was my uncle running bare assed naked , his hands on both butt cheeks screaming bloody murder ........something about my aunt spilling pure orange juice.......not to sure what went down that night , I wasnt curious enough to find out ........

So, it's a genetic thing, huh?

Spider
01-31-2009, 01:21 PM
So, it's a genetic thing, huh?

drinking orange juice ?

listopencil
01-31-2009, 01:36 PM
drinking orange juice ?


Shave and a haircut?

DemonEagles
02-08-2009, 11:48 AM
When you go to the bannister kmart, don't buy the hot dogs. Edit don't eat hotdogs period especially off their floor (even though they may have gathered some dorito's because you haven't vacuumed in awhile and they look oh so good)
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DemonEagles
02-08-2009, 11:49 AM
It is not correct to say "WHAT THE ****" to the h and r block guy because you owe in missouri

DemonEagles
02-08-2009, 11:54 AM
had a three day weekend. For some reason everyone wants to know why I have the day off. So I am just going to start posting messages before hand to let everyone know when I have a day off. I actually have friday and monday this week off. I am trying to decide if I want to go camping. Ok back to what I did this weekend. On thursday I kicked it with Botty and Matt at mcgoons we almost got carried away by a twister (LOOOONG WAY DOWN! /goo goo dolls)
We drank some beverages went over to felix street then rolled home. Friday I shaved my head yes then pretty much hung at my sisters until matt picked me up. Then I hung out with Sarah and she forced me to play an exciting game of crazy 8's. Crazy 8's is the most exciting exciting card game sans Old maid and uno (NOOOO NOT REVERSE THE CARD DIRECTION>!>!>!>!>!>!>!>!) it was pretty fun though. We watched this show spaced by the guys from shaun of the dead. Very british humor and it was pretty funny. Saturday was rockfest STP was sweet. they make being a rockfest look so easy. I am still trying to figure out how people mosh to plush but they did! It was a nice night out and I put a couple pictures up. When I got home to my parents I stood underneth a ceiling fan and got watched on my forarm from the ceiling fan. It hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat and I am icing it right now. <!--- blogger's current book/movie/music/games --->

TheReverend
02-08-2009, 02:02 PM
:)

NeverBeenToDenver
02-08-2009, 02:05 PM
If you've left your glasses at the airport ticket counter, spent 30 mins getting through security and can't decide between going back or missing your flight, go back. It's about 300 bucks cheaper.

DemonEagles
02-08-2009, 02:28 PM
I guess that is wrong with the USA today, no one is willing to go the extra mile to do what it takes to help business' I was putting ketchup on my steak one day in applebee's and this snotty young lady failed to bring me another beer, she said she can only carry two beers at a time or some ****. Well she walked her to her boss and mumbled to her boss something stupid I am sure like "I'm a dumb commie I bring shame on this all american eatery" So the boss comes over looking like a fool and was like I am sorry but we only allow one beer per person at a time. Then he said "it is obvouious you probably were drinking before you got her" NOW WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! I told him as I grabbed his name tag. HEY GREG..... GREG that sounds like a commie name. LET ME SHOW YOU MY ID you see THAT. That's MY NRA CARD AND IT'S GOT MY BIRTHDATE ON IT... GOT THAT JACK! NOW YOU WILL GIVE ME A BEER OR I WILL CALL CORPORATE on you and tell them what kind of liberal place you got here. Well Greg and Commie Mcgee talked it over and decided to call the Law. Now I Didn't want no trouble that day but I decided that I have had enough. So I waited in S-10 for the law to show up so I could tell the cop that this person is RED a card carrying commie. Who shows up? Sheriff Hawkins. He tells me to go on my way, wouldn't even give me a to go cup for my brew. Now I now Hawkins was doing his job. His job of shame but some things just aint right
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DemonEagles
02-08-2009, 02:32 PM
Reminds me one time at taco bell. I scoured the board for something that would fill me up and here is what the conversation was like

:demonpenz: Hi buddy can I please have a nacho bel grande and a medium surge
:Taco bell: *talks into his pallic looking microphone "two taco's pinto and beans"
Demonpenz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANTED A FRICKIN NACHO BEL GRANDE
:taco bell: Do you want hard or soft shell
Demonpenz: soft shell...wait. WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS.

i become more and more sweaty as this battle of wits went on and my kids were crying because they were going to get their toys for monsters inc. I told them that they would have to shut up they already got an iron giant toy from burger king. So they were crying
the manager comes out looking like Ru paul in drag. and she was like I am sorry but you and your kids have to leave by this time demonpenz jr had gotten into an old lady's double decker taco. and he began smearing hot sauce on her bifocles. Needless to say we got out of there faster than the chopper on riptide
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MechanicalBull
02-08-2009, 03:50 PM
classic stuff

Miss I.
02-10-2009, 06:52 PM
bump...this thread is hysterical

Malcontent
02-10-2009, 09:48 PM
Hey DemonEagles dude....

Something to pose to your drunken, stoned friends next time youre all pondering life's rich pageant....

"If you are traveling at the speed of light in a spacecraft, and turn on the headlights....do they actually turn on"

Man-Goblin
02-10-2009, 09:53 PM
Dude, whoever is hating on Demoneagles, lighten up.

Taco John
02-10-2009, 11:01 PM
How to not fail at life (http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/3962/1204926879841nx4.gif)

Bronco Bob
02-10-2009, 11:06 PM
An old hobo once told me that if you put a bar of urinal soap in your arse pocket it keeps the lice away.

DemonEagles
02-13-2009, 09:44 AM
So Snugga and I were playing skiball yesterday, god we love ski ball. He sees some girls that may or may not be unfortunate looking. So to impress him he goes all "razor ramone" on them and was like SAY HELLO TO THE BAD GUY. Anyway they were confused because honestly (and I have told snugga a million times...) girls are into macho man more than Razor ramone scott hall the bad guy. So I went over there (and I do a ****ty ****ty macho man voice) and was like OHHH YEAH SNAP INTO IT! I had my ski ball tickets around my arms like tassells like macho man in starcade in 97. So anyway that is one of them says they would like to meet us for drinks later on (score I know) I though the girl had mothballs in her mouth, or was retarded, well she was actually deaf. but it turns out my doing the waving motion like the macho man means "Hey steak, want to wet up somewhere?" So we go hang on this girls but we are having problems because one girl was on the wrong side of 300 pounds (or the right side for snugga hehe) so anyway it goes ok. I tell snugga to knock it off about how many tickets he has, because ever girl knows that brett bretterson has more.

DemonEagles
02-13-2009, 09:47 AM
Ok use a dry swifter before you mop your floor or else you are just going to be moping over aldi's brand shrimp, and barrel of fun potato chips
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DemonEagles
02-13-2009, 09:48 AM
So my favorite khaki shorts I wear around the apartment and do such various things as play video games or wash off celery sticks in.....the button broke on it. So I did the undertaking of buying a needle and thread for it. So at first I just st joseph rigged it to stay on for awhile, but I realized that was not going to last. Then I googled "how to sew a button on" and i started from there. "great 10 steps... I am just going to have someone else do it" Then I looked around and was like well no one is here. Then it said to make a knot, I dithen had to google "sewing knot" All and all it looks like it is finished. It doesn't look good but it is on there tighht . I figured this story needed it's own "thread" pun intended

DemonEagles
02-13-2009, 09:55 AM
I hate when churches spend money on stupid **** instead of charity's and helping people

The point of this is the freaking mega churches get on my nerves. I have seen indiana jones, jesus was a poor carpenter and would probably take issue with all the crap you don't need. Now I know there was verse where Judas said Hey jesus don't you think this Lotion we are putting on your feet could go to the poor? Jesus was like uhh no I will be dead soon, poor people will still be around forever, but still some of the crap in chruch makes me sick. I am going to start a new church and we are going to eat aldi's brand nila waffers and donate our money to charity's
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Kaylore
02-13-2009, 10:04 AM
ROFL! This man is a prophet.

DemonEagles
02-13-2009, 10:14 AM
Ok gather around. This one is good. The year is 2001 I was twenty on years old. Rap Metal was still good as I was listening to DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE in my black eclipse gs. I actually decided to dust off the doritios and dress up to go to GIL fest which was my friend gilberts annual kegger. So I am looking good and I am getting gas before heading out of st joseph to Kansas City. This is where the mistake happened. I made the mistake of latching a rusted handle on the gas dealie. you know where you don't have to hold it down? It just clamps. Well as the gas started to get near full I tried to un hatch it but it didn't happen gas shoots all over my face clothes crotch. I have red hair so it just burns my entire body like a bitch. I fall over trying to get to the bathroom to rinse my eyes out. I knock over some starcrunch and moonpie stand. I RUN WATER OVER MY EYES FOR 15 minutes. God I stunk like that. It was even in the crack of my ass. It felt like cigerette burns all over my body. I stunk for days. I threw my clothes away. Even though I took a shower I still reeked like gasoline at the party. Yeah I didn't get to make out with a girl that night
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BuckinKaeding
02-13-2009, 11:52 AM
These bits of advice seem oddly familiar....

BuckinKaeding
02-13-2009, 11:57 AM
How to not fail at life (http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/3962/1204926879841nx4.gif)

Um...TJ, where is Step 7?

I am trying to get a bitch here, I need step 7.

DemonEagles
03-18-2010, 09:43 AM
Happy one year annivsery to me being on Orangemane.com I am going to eat some Ramen and jack off !

PRBronco
03-18-2010, 09:44 AM
!Booya!

Dagmar
03-18-2010, 09:55 AM
Happy one year annivsery to me being on Orangemane.com I am going to eat some Ramen and J-O !

Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 250

:thumbs:

Popps
03-18-2010, 10:02 AM
Ted DiBiase

Tombstone RJ
03-18-2010, 10:11 AM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of ****, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

:spit:

Garcia Bronco
03-18-2010, 10:35 AM
If you are in a relationship or worse married remember one thing: If she ain't happy, nobody is happy.

broncocalijohn
03-18-2010, 10:58 AM
How I missed this one? Oh yeah, no pics. How do you claim one year anniversary when this thread started in January of 09? Demon is back from the ........welfare office?

DemonEagles
03-18-2010, 12:23 PM
Thursday, March 18, 2010

Good Luck Bad Luck..who knows? (http://demonpenz.blogspot.com/2010/03/good-luck-bad-luckwho-knows.html)



I put my diet coke 44 oz on my car roof and it fell off splashing me with a bunch of awesome pop. Good Luck? Bad Luck? Who knows?

I then forgot my passenger door wide open and went into work, causing embarrasment when over the intercom i heard "a Mitzu (i can't prenounce this..) "A RICE BURNING BLACK CAR YOU LEFT YOUR DOOR OPEN! MORON!" Good luck? Bad Luck? Who knows.

Portly fat sweaty but great basketball coach rick Majerous loves girl scout cookies. He was talking on the espn podcast with Doug Gotlieb that he used to love thin mints, now he loves Samohans. Majerious feels like an NBA owner when picking out girl scout cookies. DON'T WE ALL COACH... DON'T WE ALL Coach! You are the best thing about St Louis! A tiger only succeeds at catching prey 1 out of 20 times, about as much as Jason Kendall Makes contact with a white round sphere called a baseball. Oh Boy David Bowe day on 101.1 the fox....are the DJ's going to make me watch Labrynth after work? George Bernard Shaw one the Noble peace prize, but refused the money! They are called wonderbra's because when you take them off you wonder where her boooobies went! Andre Miller is going to be a good basketball player. Sugar Free Red bull, sunflower seeds, and a pat on the back, these things keep me going! My goal is to have 1000000030002000.4 peole following my blog and facebook. With God anything is possible! I wish there was an edit button so I could just add on the red headed woman on facebook. I would then put on a red wig and post on their wall "WE ARE TWINS EEEEZ" This Irish newletter i got at Waxy Oshay's smells like Cigars and Guiness. I like 4 fried chickens and a coke, both the stuff you eat and drink, but also the band. Post It's do not work well on cleaning up tomato soup. "keeping guys in line" does not mean inviting the group to an inline. skating group. I tried to get everyone to call me Mr. Boombastic today, they politely declined . I don't really want to know where St. Pats beads have been before they get throw at you by a bouncer. I do really want to know why the bouncer threw me out (I thought the patrons had left, and it was ok to enjoy some the left over plate fries!) Me getting thrown out of a bar. Good luck? bad Luck? who knows>?

Dagmar
03-18-2010, 12:27 PM
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3622/3624989169_71b25fb203.jpg?v=0

Tombstone RJ
03-18-2010, 12:49 PM
St Joseph Mizzou... I had a friend who moved there from Colorado a long time ago. She didn't stay there long. I feel for yah Demon...

bronclvr
03-18-2010, 12:50 PM
Needed soap and was out of shower gel. Dispensed a bunch of "germ-x" that was hanging on the bathroom wall onto my loofa... didn't think anything about it until the alcohol-based sanitizer got near the big brown eye. That was the most painful 5 seconds of my life.

That is so funnnnyyyyy.......Hilarious!

My Employee's asked me why I was laughing so hard-

Tombstone RJ
03-18-2010, 01:00 PM
Needed soap and was out of shower gel. Dispensed a bunch of "germ-x" that was hanging on the bathroom wall onto my loofa... didn't think anything about it until the alcohol-based sanitizer got near the big brown eye. That was the most painful 5 seconds of my life.

One summer I was working outside and I backed up into some poison ivy... yah... so a day later my right butt cheek and upper thigh are starting to break out and itch like a mother fugger. I have a friend tell me to that the best way to kill the infection is to rub bleach on it... so I go and buy some bleach and head home... by this time, I've itched and rubbed the area so much it's spread a little farther down my back leg and into the crack area... so I rub me some bleach on it. DAMN!!!! GOOD GOD ALMIGHT!!

I swear it felt like I just napalmed my entire backside. It literally felt like fire scorching across my butt and leg... and it didn't go away... it kept burning and burning...

A little advice: don't rub bleach on a poison ivy rash. Ever.

Rohirrim
03-18-2010, 01:10 PM
Always glad to drop in on a Demoneagles post and regain some perspective. You have to learn to laugh at life because you have no chance of kicking god in the balls.

Irish Stout
03-18-2010, 01:27 PM
A little advice: don't rub bleach on a poison ivy rash. Ever.

I wrote this one down.

Quoydogs
03-18-2010, 02:18 PM
If your girl likes it trimmed down stairs and you get tired of shaving, Don't use nair for sensitive skin.

If you don't listen to me and do use nair don't run and jump into the shower and try to wash it off.


If your on your knees now because it feels like you have a thousand paper cuts in your ball sack and you still did not listen to me don't try to have sex once it is feeling better, because once it gets wet down there you will be right back to square one.

Durango
03-18-2010, 02:25 PM
Some wisdom learned from personal experience:

Never, ever cook bacon naked

Dr. Broncenstein
03-18-2010, 02:52 PM
Some wisdom learned from personal experience:

Never, ever cook bacon naked

:rofl:

Still laughing.

ghwk
03-18-2010, 03:01 PM
If your girl likes it trimmed down stairs and you get tired of shaving, Don't use nair for sensitive skin.

If you don't listen to me and do use nair don't run and jump into the shower and try to wash it off.


If your on your knees now because it feels like you have a thousand paper cuts in your ball sack and you still did not listen to me don't try to have sex once it is feeling better, because once it gets wet down there you will be right back to square one.

Geezus made and lived this mistake when I was going to high school in Denver and went to the state swim meet as an alternative to shaving down. Nair gives the term "Great Balls of Fire" a whole new meaning.

Why is it demoneglez posts count never goes up in spite of the fact he's had a hundred posts in this thread alone? TJ on an anonymous rant?

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:14 AM
It's safe to assume one of your friends had sexual intercourse when he sings "Sex is on fire" by Kings of Leon...for 3 minutes on your voice mail. Atleast learn the damn verses.<FORM id=commentable_item_2083222339_124258744261409 class="commentable_item one_row_add_box autoexpand_mode comment_form_124258744261409" onsubmit=';var d=document.documentElement;if (d.onsubmit) { return d.onsubmit(event); }else { return Event.fire(d, "submit", event); }' method=post name=add_comment action=/ajax/ufi/modify.php ajaxify="1"><LABEL class=feedback_hide_link title="" onclick='CSS.toggleClass(this.form, "collapsed_comments")'></LABEL> </FORM>

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:15 AM
I baked chicken breasts then cooked 4 banquet dinners the fettichini kind. This honkey is resourceful!

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:17 AM
I hope bryce's mom is ok after getting a new knee, I also Hope she never again makes mexican meatloaf....FOR ANYONE..EVER

some collage kids must be moving out. saw a couple boondock saints posters in the trash
Some girl messaged me on plentyoffish.com and asked me if I was one of those guys just online for sex...So I changed my opening profile too. "Hi... I have 250 dollars and I know where bannister road is at" so I can get sex anytime..thx

Dear royals. you are like the child I had when I was still drinking and I dropped you on your head a bunch.... you aren't very good at anything, but I still love you

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:20 AM
I remember I was rolling around with bryce, and we hit a skunk in the lancer, and being how skunks are endangered down in southern missouri we put it in the back seat. Bryce asked "What about the smell?" I replied "ahhhhh he'll get used to it"

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:23 AM
I am not quite clear on the rules of softball. So If I am playing first and I have the ball and touch the bag before the runner gets to first she is safe....and evidently if that person steps off the bag and I tag her again she is safe. That's cool I was able to work my game with whoever got on first "hey...I see your ...on first.... I'd like to get to second sometime with you"

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:24 AM
You no Longer have to do mouth to mouth when giving CPR. So if there is a nasty hag at the side of woodbine. Go ahead and and pump her chest, and steal some dollars out of her pocket and get a slice of pizza at that caseys

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 11:27 AM
jake gyllenhall
is delicious

DHallblows
05-23-2010, 01:22 PM
:worthless
Clearly the word "new" should be in there somewhere

houghtam
05-23-2010, 03:15 PM
<3 my Adopt-a-Bronco coming back from the grave.

Tombstone RJ
05-23-2010, 03:19 PM
I remember I was rolling around with bryce, and we hit a skunk in the lancer, and being how skunks are endangered down in southern missouri we put it in the back seat. Bryce asked "What about the smell?" I replied "ahhhhh he'll get used to it"

ROFL! You rock DE!

Archer81
05-23-2010, 03:47 PM
If your girl likes it trimmed down stairs and you get tired of shaving, Don't use nair for sensitive skin.

If you don't listen to me and do use nair don't run and jump into the shower and try to wash it off.


If your on your knees now because it feels like you have a thousand paper cuts in your ball sack and you still did not listen to me don't try to have sex once it is feeling better, because once it gets wet down there you will be right back to square one.


I naired by chest once. Covered the nipples. I fried my nipples but had baby smooth skin. Some lessons need to be experienced to be learned.

:Broncos:

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 09:23 PM
I sit at work...Man I wish I could play some video games....Man I wish I could play guitar... Then I get to the weekend and plop my ass in my recliner eat "Q" and watch the royals get their dicks handed to them. That is ok, because if there is one thing I did do. Was buy some socks....and new socks..it's like a blowjob for my feet.

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 09:25 PM
You want to eat sausages all day, but you don't want to know how sausages are made, you want to make money, but you don't like how it's made. You want to be a baller, but you say it can't be this way,

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 09:26 PM
I am taking my guitar to 119th street and Strang line. There is a huge tanning salon and a Balley's Gym....... I am setting up shop right in front With my White Polo, old Navy flip flops, warn Kacki slacks. I am going to play a set list of Don't Stop believing, the entire maroon 5 cataloge, and More than words. Maybe Tesla love song... Ohhhhh Mama....!

DemonEagles
05-23-2010, 09:31 PM
if you elbow soming it's called elbowing, and if you knee someone it's called kneeing, but why if you hit someone with your fist it's called punching? I refuse to say this, I call it Fisting, infact a couple guys were fisting each other outside a bar the other day.

theAPAOps5
05-23-2010, 09:59 PM
That is ok, because if there is one thing I did do. Was buy some socks....and new socks..it's like a blowjob for my feet.

Freaking classic!

Tombstone RJ
05-24-2010, 09:58 AM
I am taking my guitar to 119th street and Strang line. There is a huge tanning salon and a Balley's Gym....... I am setting up shop right in front With my White Polo, old Navy flip flops, warn Kacki slacks. I am going to play a set list of Don't Stop believing, the entire maroon 5 cataloge, and More than words. Maybe Tesla love song... Ohhhhh Mama....!

I gotta know how this turns out...

DemonEagles
05-24-2010, 11:25 AM
I am not allowed on the property per Heckman property LLC.

Los Broncos
05-24-2010, 11:28 AM
Haha blow job for my feet.

Rohirrim
05-24-2010, 12:23 PM
Dear royals. you are like the child I had when I was still drinking and I dropped you on your head a bunch.... you aren't very good at anything, but I still love you

Best descripion I've ever heard for the Royals. Ha!

DemonEagles
05-24-2010, 10:05 PM
d

houghtam
05-25-2010, 01:58 PM
d

DE it's not like you to post a picture. We need a DRAWING.

Scott Wolf in V would be a great start.

Kaylore
05-25-2010, 02:48 PM
Socks are definitely the BJ of the foot.

DemonEagles
05-26-2010, 06:32 AM
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I do that joke about blowjobs for feet 2nd

hambone13
05-26-2010, 07:35 AM
Rule of Thumb:

When your wife, who is six months pregnant starts whining about gaining some weight, don't change the name of existing songs and sing them to her constantly.

Her least favorite Junkie-altered songs:

The Commodores - Brickhouse....changed to Thick Spouse.

Disturbed - Down with the Sickness....changed to Down with the Thickness.
Thick Spouse :rofl: If she starts screaming at you from the front porch, just shorten the chain.

hambone13
05-26-2010, 07:43 AM
Reminds me one time at taco bell. I scoured the board for something that would fill me up and here is what the conversation was like

:demonpenz: Hi buddy can I please have a nacho bel grande and a medium surge
:Taco bell: *talks into his pallic looking microphone "two taco's pinto and beans"
Demonpenz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANTED A FRICKIN NACHO BEL GRANDE
:taco bell: Do you want hard or soft shell
Demonpenz: soft shell...wait. WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS.

i become more and more sweaty as this battle of wits went on and my kids were crying because they were going to get their toys for monsters inc. I told them that they would have to shut up they already got an iron giant toy from burger king. So they were crying
the manager comes out looking like Ru paul in drag. and she was like I am sorry but you and your kids have to leave by this time demonpenz jr had gotten into an old lady's double decker taco. and he began smearing hot sauce on her bifocles. Needless to say we got out of there faster than the chopper on riptide
<!-- / message --><!-- / Jeff Removed Sig -->

Hilarious!Hilarious! That is freakin' hysterical....

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:06 PM
It's not a huge deal, but make sure you are around next time you leave me in the basement with your uncle. He started to look at me like a doggie who wants to be fed, then he put on a strobe light and karoke'd to Depeche mode. It was disturbing, but I hope next weeks "Pizza night" goes better.

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:08 PM
I just wanted a nice quiet day playing mass effect but my next door neighbor who has severe autism kept peeking through my window. I try to be patient but I couldn't help myself. I grabbed a chicken plank from long john silvers and rubbed it on his head. I forgot though that sometimes he doesn't bathe at night so he wasn't allowed into class the next day.

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:09 PM
This girl tried to make a peace symbol into her pumpkin yesterday, but it looked like the ATARI symbol. So I told her that it looks like the Atari Symbol, she started crying really hard and she ran off. I guess her nickname was Frogger growing up. I stole some cosmic brownies and left.

Los Broncos
10-29-2010, 03:09 PM
Ha!

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:12 PM
I ususally do my shopping at Old Navy but I bought one of those packaged shirts from Wal Mart to look my best, but then the girl of my dreams came out of no where and stood behind me at one of those refridgerated vending machines. I got a vending machine hot dog as if that wasn't embarrassing enough my theighs rubbed together and made a fart sound. I had to explain to her that I didn't fart..... and if if she wants to know if I farted or not she should wait around for a couple minutes to see if it stinks. She left. shortly after that.

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:15 PM
I saw an infomercial for "cure to alcoholism" book and I was buying it for my uncle, but it turns out that he already had a couple and he was selling them to kids outside the local middle school to buy some hooch. I told him that drinking leads him right to the crack house, he said I know what it leads tooo....and he pulled down his jean shorts to reveal that he gave himself a tatoo that said "awesome" he told me "IT LEADS TO AWESOME" several times. I Stepped around him to turn in my copy of "bridge to teribithia"

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:17 PM
<META content="Microsoft SafeHTML" name=Generator><STYLE>.ExternalClass .ecxhmmessage P{padding:0px;}.ExternalClass body.ecxhmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}</STYLE>I rented "Hollow man" from Hollywood video, it got stuck in my vcr for months. I swore I would never spend 100 dollars on Kevin bacon Ever again.

DemonEagles
10-29-2010, 03:21 PM
We had our annual softball chili cookoff but it should have been called the softball fartoff, because it was like the campfire scene in blazing saddles...with more lebians.

Rock Chalk
10-29-2010, 07:33 PM
I am so grateful that I have never seen this thread and got the full comedic value all at once. Holy ****.

Rock Chalk
10-29-2010, 07:34 PM
We had our annual softball chili cookoff but it should have been called the softball fartoff, because it was like the campfire scene in blazing saddles...with more lebians.

Bloody brilliant. Absolutely aces.

Cleo McDowell
10-30-2010, 12:12 AM
I ususally do my shopping at Old Navy but I bought one of those packaged shirts from Wal Mart to look my best, but then the girl of my dreams came out of no where and stood behind me at one of those refridgerated vending machines. I got a vending machine hot dog as if that wasn't embarrassing enough my theighs rubbed together and made a fart sound. I had to explain to her that I didn't fart..... and if if she wants to know if I farted or not she should wait around for a couple minutes to see if it stinks. She left. shortly after that.

this. i am now a fan.:approve:

DemonEagles
11-03-2010, 03:21 PM
snarl

briane
11-03-2010, 03:38 PM
snarl

It is a nice day for a white wedding.

TheElusiveKyleOrton
11-03-2010, 03:40 PM
Bloody brilliant. Absolutely aces.

Don't you mean "Absolute Ace"?