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Houshyamama
01-25-2009, 09:01 PM
I'll start:

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Florida_Bronco
01-25-2009, 09:03 PM
Lmfao!

SonOfLe-loLang
01-25-2009, 09:17 PM
This one is a bit dated ... but ....

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?





Christopher Walken!

OBF1
01-25-2009, 09:21 PM
You are going to burn in hell :)

Broncojef
01-25-2009, 09:23 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!"

The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!"

"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"

bombay
01-25-2009, 09:33 PM
A priest and a rabbi are driving down the street. They see a 14 year old boy standing on the corner. The priest says, 'let's **** him'. The rabbi says, 'out of what?'.

Broncojef
01-25-2009, 09:35 PM
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

Tombstone RJ
01-25-2009, 09:38 PM
this thead has all kinds of potential.

Broncojef
01-25-2009, 09:42 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking

Houshyamama
01-25-2009, 09:44 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking

Hilarious!

Houshyamama
01-25-2009, 09:59 PM
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Br0nc0Buster
01-25-2009, 10:07 PM
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.


What do you call a guy expecting to have sex on the second date?

Patient

Tombstone RJ
01-25-2009, 10:11 PM
A wise old medicine man and a young Indian boy were alone on a hill one day and the young boy asked the medicine man: "where do tribal names come from?"

The wise old medicine man looked around him and said: "a name is given to a new born when I observe the first thing that presents itself after birth. For example it might be Wind In The Clouds or Two Fists Clenching or Buffalo Running.

Why do you ask Two Dogs Fhuckhing?

Houshyamama
01-25-2009, 10:13 PM
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Wes Mantooth
01-25-2009, 10:17 PM
A man goes into the doctor with a bump growing on his forehead.

After many tests, the doctor says: well, I only learned this from the medical school, I can't believe that I am seeing this in real life. You're growing a second penis out of your forehead, and with the way your skull and brain are forming around it we're not going to be able to operate, or do anything to stop it.

The man says, 'You mean I am going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and see a penis hanging from my forehead?'

The doctor replies: No, no... That won't happen... the balls should be hanging right over your eyes.

Tombstone RJ
01-25-2009, 10:17 PM
A poppa bull and a young bull were sitting on a hill together and the young bull said: "hey pop, why don't we run down the hill and screw one of those young heffers?"

Pop looks over at the young stud and says: "why don't we walk down there and screw them all."

OABB
01-25-2009, 10:31 PM
a man and a little girl are walking into a dark forest when the liitle girl says "mister, I'm scared." and the man replies,"how do you think I feel, I have to leave here alone."

BroncoBuff
01-25-2009, 10:38 PM
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

When dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher, wel then today you became a man - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

BroncoBuff
01-25-2009, 10:41 PM
A guy stops to visit his friend who is feeling sick and is bundled up on the couch. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.

He hesitates, and then says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to **** you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it to you," and he yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

BroncoMan4ever
01-25-2009, 10:41 PM
Philip Rivers, Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler were all in the Middle East for USO duties, drinking a smuggled crate of booze. While drunk they were caught by Saudi police and arrested. They were told that the mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
But By a stroke of luck, it was a national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said,
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your lashings."

Rivers was first in line, so he thoughtabout this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 5 lashes before the whip went through. Rivers had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

Aaron Rodgers was next up and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please put two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending Rodgers out bleeding and crying.

Jay Cutler was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You are the most talented QB here, your state of Colorado has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," Jay Cutler replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100
lashes."

"Not only are you a great QB you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

Jay looks the Shiek right in the eyes and with a smirk on his face says, "Give the lashings to Rivers."

BroncoMan4ever
01-25-2009, 10:48 PM
A woman goes to her plastic surgeon for another face lift. the doctor asks her why she needs another face lift, after she has had many in the past 10 years.

She looks at him and says, i need to get rid of these bags under my eyes.

The doctor looks at her face and says, those are not bags, those are your breasts.

She looks back at the doctor and says "i guess that explains the goatee then."

Dagmar
01-26-2009, 12:03 AM
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only some things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

Broncosfreak_56
01-26-2009, 12:15 AM
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only some things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

:rofl:

strafen
01-26-2009, 12:19 AM
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

strafen
01-26-2009, 12:20 AM
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

strafen
01-26-2009, 12:21 AM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .

Nemesis
01-26-2009, 06:14 AM
Three little boys were looking at a playboy magazine. The first boy says to the others “WOW LOOK AT THOSE”. The second little boy says “I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS HAIR DOWN THERE”. The third little boy then gets a horrified look on his face and grabs the magazine and starts to rip it up into many pieces. The other two boys look at him angrily and ask why he did that. The third little boy replies, “ my mommy told me if I ever saw or did anything dirty I would turn to stone, and I already feel something getting hard”.

WolfpackGuy
01-26-2009, 06:38 AM
1.5 million people attended the inauguration parade last week.
Only 10 of them missed work.

Rock Chalk
01-26-2009, 09:41 AM
1.5 million people attended the inauguration parade last week.
Only 10 of them missed work.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 09:50 AM
1.5 million people attended the inauguration parade last week.
Only 10 of them missed work.

Well hell brother, I am surprised the # was that high. I never miss work when I am not there.;D

55CrushEm
01-26-2009, 10:03 AM
1.5 million people attended the inauguration parade last week.
Only 10 of them missed work.

:rofl:

t-diddy
01-26-2009, 10:40 AM
Little girl comes home from school one day and tells her Mom that she saw a weenie for the first time in her life today... Mom is horrified but gathers herself to find out what happened. "Well, what did you think of it?" she asks. Little girl says, "it reminded me of a peanut..." Mom starts chuckling and says, "was it THAT small?" Little girls says "No, it was THAT salty!"

Beej
01-26-2009, 11:02 AM
How do you know if your sister's pregnant?

Your father's d!ck tastes funny.

bronco militia
01-26-2009, 11:11 AM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash...Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity...He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this...Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law...She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Spider
01-26-2009, 11:39 AM
A truck driver pulls into a bar in a little town in Arizona , he asked the barkeep do you have any women ? Barkeep said no but we got Joe ........ Trucker says , well I am not into that , but if i was how much would joe cost ? Barkeep said 80.00 ...trucker said damn why so much ? Barkeep said cause I have to call lenny from the gas station to help me hold Joe down , Cause Joe dont for shiit either

Rohirrim
01-26-2009, 11:47 AM
Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub relaxing. Suddenly, one of them notices white blobs floating in the water. He turns to the other two and says, "Okay. Who farted?"

Rock Chalk
01-26-2009, 12:48 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash...Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity...He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this...Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law...She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Ahahahahahahahaha

Tombstone RJ
01-26-2009, 03:17 PM
Why do women have legs?






























So they don't leave snail tracks when the move across the kitchen floor.


















bump.

Breaker
01-26-2009, 03:24 PM
A ten year old boy walked up to his father one day and asked

"Dad, what does a vagina look like?".

His father, stunned that his son would ask such a question, but deciding that he should assist the tyke in understanding the differences of biology replied

"well, before or after sex".

His son pauses and thinks about it for a moment and says

"well before sex I guess"

His father thinks about it for a moment and says

"It looks like a pretty pink flower with four petals"

His son nods and says

"ok well what about after sex"

His dad thinks about this for a little bit and replies

"Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise"

Fusionfrontman
01-26-2009, 03:26 PM
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head


What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito they stop sucking.

Tombstone RJ
01-26-2009, 03:28 PM
A ten year old boy walked up to his father one day and asked

"Dad, what does a vagina look like?".

His father, stunned that his son would ask such a question, but deciding that he should assist the tyke in understanding the differences of biology replied

"well, before or after sex".

His son pauses and thinks about it for a moment and says

"well before sex I guess"

His father thinks about it for a moment and says

"It looks like a pretty pink flower with four petals"

His son nods and says

"ok well what about after sex"

His dad thinks about this for a little bit and replies

"Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise"

Yowza! He's here all week folks, and don't forget to tip your waiter!

TheReverend
01-26-2009, 05:01 PM
Three midgets are sitting around watching a Guinness book of World Records special.

Finally one midget turns to the others and says, "Look at these hands... I'll bet I have the smallest hands in the WORLD!" The other two give him their support and off he goes to the Guinness book.

He comes back after two hours and yells, "I'm in! I'm in! I've got the world's smallest hands!"

Inspired, another midget takes off his shoes and says, "Look at these feet! I've probably got the world's smallest feet! The other two give him their support and off he goes to the Guinness book.

He comes back a couple hours later and bounces around the room yelling, "I made it! I've got the world's smallest feet!"

The last midget drops his pants, and says "Check this little guy out! I'll bet I've got the world's smallest penis!" The other two, mildly shocked, completely agree, so off he goes to the Guinness book.

Three hours later he comes back, slams the door behind him and yells, "Who the **** is BobsYourInformationMinister?!?!?!"

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 05:07 PM
Three midgets are sitting around watching a Guinness book of World Records special.

Finally one midget turns to the others and says, "Look at these hands... I'll bet I have the smallest hands in the WORLD!" The other two give him their support and off he goes to the Guinness book.

He comes back after two hours and yells, "I'm in! I'm in! I've got the world's smallest hands!"

Inspired, another midget takes off his shoes and says, "Look at these feet! I've probably got the world's smallest feet! The other two give him their support and off he goes to the Guinness book.

He comes back a couple hours later and bounces around the room yelling, "I made it! I've got the world's smallest feet!"

The last midget drops his pants, and says "Check this little guy out! I'll bet I've got the world's smallest penis!" The other two, mildly shocked, completely agree, so off he goes to the Guinness book.

Three hours later he comes back, slams the door behind him and yells, "Who the **** is BobsYourInformationMinister?!?!?!"

DING! DING! DING! We have a winner. LOL Hilarious!

oubronco
01-26-2009, 05:11 PM
The perfect man and woman !<o:p></o:p>

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

oubronco
01-26-2009, 05:12 PM
Three midgets are sitting around watching a Guinness book of World Records special.

Finally one midget turns to the others and says, "Look at these hands... I'll bet I have the smallest hands in the WORLD!" The other two give him their support and off he goes to the Guinness book.

He comes back after two hours and yells, "I'm in! I'm in! I've got the world's smallest hands!"

Inspired, another midget takes off his shoes and says, "Look at these feet! I've probably got the world's smallest feet! The other two give him their support and off he goes to the Guinness book.

He comes back a couple hours later and bounces around the room yelling, "I made it! I've got the world's smallest feet!"

The last midget drops his pants, and says "Check this little guy out! I'll bet I've got the world's smallest penis!" The other two, mildly shocked, completely agree, so off he goes to the Guinness book.

Three hours later he comes back, slams the door behind him and yells, "Who the **** is BobsYourInformationMinister?!?!?!"

LOL ROFL! Hilarious!

oubronco
01-26-2009, 05:14 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T
MOVE FAST ANYMORE.... George Phillips of Meridian,
Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that
he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked
'Is someone in your house?' and he said
'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be
along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up,
counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I
just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to
worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he
hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a
helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the
burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George:
'I thought you said that you shot them!' George
said, 'I thought you said there was nobody
available!' (True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess
with old people!!

oubronco
01-26-2009, 05:18 PM
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for
thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant
by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little
Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown
coyote. The last few nights he done eat six hens and killed Ma's best
milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's
back again, I'm a gonna git him! Stay back!" he yelled to all us kids.

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen
house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that
double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the
darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had
done woke up and come a-sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all
looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's
crack! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock
this mornin'!
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/<o:p></o:p>

oubronco
01-26-2009, 05:19 PM
Subject: PROSTATE CHECK-UP...Female doctor-----smart man<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>



<o:p></o:p>

An old man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Again, the guy says, '99'.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to grab and hold your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The guy begins, 'One ... Two .... Three'.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

'It's fun getting older'.<o:p></o:p>

oubronco
01-26-2009, 07:15 PM
98% of drivers say OH SHYT when they hit ice.

the other 2% are from Oklahoma and say hold my beer and watch this shyt!

oubronco
01-26-2009, 07:16 PM
You know your drunk when you swerve to miss the tree and then realise it's your air freshener

Spider
01-26-2009, 08:32 PM
I was sitting in a flying J truckstop , eating dinner , when a woman across theway started choking on a piece of steak ........ I got up to go help , but 2 swift drivers got to her first......1st driver grabs her , the 2 nd drver pulls her pants and panties down , then the 1 st driver picks the woman up onto his shoulder , the 2 nd driver sticks his tongue right up her butt ...needless to say the woman spit out the piece of steak , the 2 nd driver turned to me and said ..... The Hind -Lick maneuver works every time

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 08:40 PM
I was sitting in a flying J truckstop , eating dinner , when a woman across theway started choking on a piece of steak ........ I got up to go help , but 2 swift drivers got to her first......1st driver grabs her , the 2 nd drver pulls her pants and panties down , then the 1 st driver picks the woman up onto his shoulder , the 2 nd driver sticks his tongue right up her butt ...needless to say the woman spit out the piece of steak , the 2 nd driver turned to me and said ..... The Hind -Lick maneuver works every time

sounds better then my last date...oh wait, I need to go post that on CP...oopsROFL!

Jesterhole
01-26-2009, 08:43 PM
This needs to be done in person to get the effect, but I'll give it a try...

Look at a girl, put your index and middle fingers together in the air, and ask her "Do you know why girls always cum with these two fingers?" They will shake their head, and then you say "Because they're MY fingers"

Spider
01-26-2009, 08:44 PM
sounds better then my last date...oh wait, I need to go post that on CP...oopsROFL!

LOL if that sounds better then your last date ........ you got some freak in you ;D

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 08:47 PM
LOL if that sounds better then your last date ........ you got some freak in you ;D

well no freak in me at the moment...oh wait that's not what you meant. oops:curtsey:

Spider
01-26-2009, 08:51 PM
well no freak in me at the moment...oh wait that's not what you meant. oops:curtsey:

LOL ........too bad you didnt look like betty White ;D

cutthemdown
01-26-2009, 08:52 PM
How do you know when Asians are moving into your neighborhood?
When Mexicans start buying car insurance.

Why are there more Blacks then Indians?
Because we haven't played Cowboys and Blacks yet.

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 08:53 PM
LOL ........too bad you didnt look like betty White ;D

How do you know? For that matter, maybe I am Betty White.:egbgb:

Spider
01-26-2009, 09:00 PM
Teacher tells her 5 th grade class , i want you to go home tonight , watch TV and tell me what you learn about sex ......... the next morning the teacher asks Lisa did you watch TV last night ? Lisa said yes , I watched night Nurses I learned alot about where babies come from .. teacher asks little Billy , did you watch TV ? Billy said yeah I watch the discovery Channel about bears , I learned alot ....... Teacher looks at little Johnny and asks him the same question ... Little Johnny said i watched a John Wayne western last night , the duke was in a canyon , Indians in front of him , Indians behind him , off to the left , to the right , the duke was surrounded ..... the the Duke pulled out his gun shot every Indian dead ...teacher said well thats good , but it has nothing to do with sex ....johnny said sure it does ...... Taught those Indians not to screw with John Wayne.............

Spider
01-26-2009, 09:02 PM
How do you know? For that matter, maybe I am Betty White.:egbgb:

I picture you as a young lady , early 30's tall , brunette , slender , smart .......

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 09:04 PM
I picture you as a young lady , early 30's tall , brunette , slender , smart .......

It's a nice picture, not true, but nice. Go to my profile, you can see the truth and be disillusioned.

Spider
01-26-2009, 09:10 PM
It's a nice picture, not true, but nice. Go to my profile, you can see the truth and be disillusioned.

Last time i did that you had some half dressed guy up there ........... costed me an extra 2 weeks of therapy ;D

Spider
01-26-2009, 09:12 PM
ok so your a redhead instead of a brunette

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 09:13 PM
ok so your a redhead instead of a brunette

I wouldn't call myself tall either at 5'5 or slender. But you are very kind Spider, thanks.:-*

Spider
01-26-2009, 09:16 PM
I wouldn't call myself tall either at 5'5 or slender. But you are very kind Spider, thanks.:-*

well kind hard to tell while you are sitting how tall you are ...... but you are not that heavy gal ..... attractive young lady , some day the right guy will come along for ya ....

Spider
01-26-2009, 09:25 PM
I have no worries about that. As long as the right guy likes sex, is not overly smothering, is kind, smart and funny and will go away without a restraining order I am okay. I used to want a husband and kids, but now I listen to my girlfriends and I think I have all the money I want, a good job and don't have to share my space or ask permission for anything, I am okay with that. I only wish I looked differently because sometimes I think I am failing some sort of societal expectation for the perfect woman and I don't like to fail.

Meh ..... nothing wrong with your looks , let me share this with you , I got a cousin Linda ,she did a centerfold shoot with Playboy ( it didnt get published ) but she treated people so badly , she is now alone , I am still nice to her , but she is so jaded it is hard ..what I am saying is you got it on the inside , and 1 day the right man will come along sweep you off your feet , he will be lucky ....you got alot to offer a person ......

Miss I.
01-26-2009, 09:25 PM
too serious in here now so here's some jokes:
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

strafen
01-27-2009, 12:56 AM
This is the biggest joke of all...
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/P36x8rTb3jI&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/P36x8rTb3jI&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Fusionfrontman
01-27-2009, 08:59 AM
.....uncomfortable silence echoes throughout ^


Nothing to do with race or color or ethnicity, but WOW some people are just really stupid.

I heard at the time he got elected some woman say, "My finances are going to be better" to which they asked, how so? "She said, I dunno. I just know my Finances will be better"

oubronco
01-28-2009, 10:03 AM
Subject: How to tell the gender of a fly
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/<o:p></o:p>

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her<o:p></o:p>
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting flies,' he responded.

'Oh..! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'<o:p></o:p>

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,<o:p></o:p>

2 were on the phone.’<o:p></o:p>

HorseHead
01-28-2009, 10:32 AM
What's the difference between a Triscuit and Melissa Etheridge?....


Answer: One's a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.....

Thank you everybody, don't forget to tip your bartenders...and try the veal...

Houshyamama
01-28-2009, 10:46 AM
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

oubronco
01-28-2009, 11:36 AM
When you have a
'I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes]
try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN
YOURS!

oubronco
01-28-2009, 12:10 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
<FONT size=3>Brown."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/ /><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></P><P><FONT face=The white man faints and falls to the floor. <o:p></o:p>
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says: What's wrong with you?"<o:p></o:p>
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" <o:p></o:p>
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."<o:p></o:p>
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Oh! Lord, I thought you said,
Turn around!"<o:p></o:p>

strafen
01-28-2009, 12:23 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.

27atwater
01-28-2009, 12:46 PM
Steve and Jim like to fish. They fish every day, all day. Every morning at 5 AM, Steve pulls up to Jim's house and honks his horn. Jim i usually ready t go. He gets in the car and off they go. They usually get back around 10PM.

One day Steve is little late picking Jim up and when he honks his horn, Jim comes out as usual. Only this time, Jim is called on by a beautiful woman who he runs back to for a goodbye kiss. Steve has never seen this lady before and asks Jim about her. Jim admits she is his wife. Steve is baffled by this. Of all the years they've been fishing, he never knew Jim was married. And she was stunning...so why is Jim ALWAYS fishing when he has that beauty to be with? So Steve asks Jim..."why are we always fishing? Why aren't you home banging away at that?" Jim states that she has gonorhea. Steve takes a moment and responds..."I get that, but why don't ya tag that in th pooper? I mean, she is smokin. You could at least do that occasionally." Jim rebuts that she also has diarrhea. Steve then inquires about oral sex. Jim states that she also has a mouth disease called piarhea. The car is silent for a few moments while Steve tries to take it all in, but he has to ask...Ok Jim, you are married to a smokin hot broad, but she has all those aliments and ya can't even touch her. I'd go nuts trying to keep my hands off her. What is it about her? why are ya married to her if ya can't touch her?" Jim simply relpies>........















wait for it





















"Well Steve, she also has worms and ya know how much I like to fish."
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

tesnyde
01-28-2009, 01:28 PM
A poppa bull and a young bull were sitting on a hill together and the young bull said: "hey pop, why don't we run down the hill and screw one of those young heffers?"

Pop looks over at the young stud and says: "why don't we walk down there and screw them all."

Wasn't that from the movie Colors?

Tombstone RJ
01-28-2009, 04:00 PM
Wasn't that from the movie Colors?

Perhaps, I can't remember where I heard it.

Spider
01-28-2009, 04:09 PM
young man virgin never been with woman so his buddies take up a collection and get him a hooker .......
the hooker looks at Elsid13 and says , " sugar what do you want half and half , around the world , you on top , me on top or a 69" ?
Elsid said that 69 thing sounds fun .....
So she throws him down and tells him what to do , and they get busy ....
a few minutes in the hooker gets a gas pain , and lets a fart rip .....Elsid says nothing about it . a few minutes more she lets another fart off , this time Elsid stops and says mam , what you are doing down there is wonderful , but I have to be honest here , I cant take 67 more of those farts

oubronco
01-28-2009, 04:26 PM
young man virgin never been with woman so his buddies take up a collection and get him a hooker .......
the hooker looks at Elsid13 and says , " sugar what do you want half and half , around the world , you on top , me on top or a 69" ?
Elsid said that 69 thing sounds fun .....
So she throws him down and tells him what to do , and they get busy ....
a few minutes in the hooker gets a gas pain , and lets a fart rip .....Elsid says nothing about it . a few minutes more she lets another fart off , this time Elsid stops and says mam , what you are doing down there is wonderful , but I have to be honest here , I cant take 67 more of those farts

:spit:

slyinky
01-28-2009, 05:54 PM
Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane than explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of
tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but
I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in
here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch.


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Paladin
01-28-2009, 10:06 PM
That was truly offensive.....

Taco John
01-28-2009, 10:13 PM
Racist jokes are still illegal - especially ones that will draw secret service attention.

Use your brains.

oubronco
02-09-2009, 11:28 AM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Don't Mess with Old People!!<o:p></o:p>

oubronco
02-09-2009, 11:29 AM
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee... Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/ /><st1:place w:st=Minch</st1:place> by a mile.
<font face=" /><st1:place w:st="on"><ST1:PSilver</ST1:Place<ST1:P</ST1:P</st1:place> . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

oubronco
02-09-2009, 11:32 AM
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian

from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/ /><st1:State w:st=<st1:place w:st="on">New York</st1:place></st1:State> were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/ /><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></P><P> </P><P><FONT face=Rockwell><FONT size=2><FONT color=black><FONT color=black><FONT face=Rockwell>in front of them.</FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT><FONT face=Verdana><FONT size=2><FONT color=black><FONT color=black><FONT face=Verdana><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></P><P> </P><P><FONT face=Verdana><FONT size=2><FONT color=black><FONT color=black><FONT face=Verdana><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></P><P> </P><P><FONT face=Rockwell><FONT size=2><FONT color=black><FONT color=black><FONT face=Rockwell>The Italian from <st1:State w:st=<st1:place w:st="on">New York</st1:place></st1:State> fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen <o:p></o:p>

minutes between shots!'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with <o:p></o:p>

him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of <o:p></o:p>

us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They <o:p></o:p>

lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let <o:p></o:p>

them play for free anytime.'<o:p></o:p>

The group fell silent for a moment.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer <o:p></o:p>

for them tonight.'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist <o:p></o:p>

colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the <o:p></o:p>

firefighters union in honor of these brave souls!'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

The Italian from <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New York</st1:place></st1:State> said, 'Why the **** can't they play at night?'<o:p></o:p>

ak1971
02-09-2009, 11:51 AM
Long...best divorce letter ever (posted this a few years ago, but it still cracks me up)


Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and he’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?
I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is?
Love,

dbfan21
02-09-2009, 12:53 PM
:thumbs: :rofl:

bronclvr
02-09-2009, 12:59 PM
Horrible Accident


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.


She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.


"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.


"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."


The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

oubronco
02-09-2009, 01:19 PM
Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.orangemane.com/BB/ /><st1:State w:st=<st1:place w:st="on">Washington</st1:place></st1:State> was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little
lip prints.


Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had
to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out
a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

oubronco
02-09-2009, 01:24 PM
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life!
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn ' t been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama !








The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

ROD80
02-09-2009, 01:44 PM
I've got one that I think is hilarious, but I usually just hear silence after I tell it.

So,..........this baby seal walks into a club.

c_lazy_r
02-09-2009, 01:58 PM
This is so beautiful---



A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy,how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that ****ing party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

richpjr
02-09-2009, 11:15 PM
A man finally talks his girlfriend into going home with him and "hooking up". As they're undressing, she notices his toes are all curled up and disfigured. He notices her looking at his feet and explains he had Tolio as a kid. She asks, "Don't you mean 'polio'?"

"Nope," he replies, "Tolio affects the toes only."

Then she notices his gnarled knees. He explains Neasels during childhood as the cause.

"Are you sure that wasn't 'Measels'?" she asks.

"Nope," he replies, "Neasels affect the knees."

He then removes his briefs to which she exclaims, "Let me guess, small cox?!"

richpjr
02-09-2009, 11:16 PM
What's the first thing a Raider fan says after sex?

Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes.

Beantown Bronco
02-10-2009, 10:32 AM
Any jokes about women drivers?

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Doggcow
02-10-2009, 10:35 AM
Whats the difference between Ted Bundy and last years Huskies?

Ted Bundy scored often.

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 07:33 PM
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 07:34 PM
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 07:36 PM
A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad, Spider.
That evening the second boy asked his dad. Spider gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."
The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

BroncoInferno
03-28-2009, 07:36 PM
An old Andrew Dice Clay classic:

So this girl tells me to give her nine inches that'll knock her out. So I ****ed her three times and hit her over the head with a brick. Woah!

BroncoInferno
03-28-2009, 07:50 PM
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 07:59 PM
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 08:04 PM
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 08:05 PM
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 08:07 PM
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 08:09 PM
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 08:14 PM
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

OABB
03-28-2009, 08:36 PM
Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled.

"What the **** happened?" He demands

"Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes"

"AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info

Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse"

"OMG, What happened?" asks dad

sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt"

"NO!" shouts Dad "Then?"

Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out"

"WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts wanking.

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 09:04 PM
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Rock Chalk
03-28-2009, 09:07 PM
Why do women fake orgasms?

They think men care.

BABronco
03-28-2009, 09:11 PM
So Bob walks into a brothel to lose his virginity. He tells the lady what he wants and as he drops his pants she begins laughing hysterically. She looks at him and says "who are you going to please with that little thing". Bob, after 30+ years of existence, finally has a witty moment and says "me".

Anaximines
03-28-2009, 09:34 PM
here's an offensive joke: Ashley Lelie

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 09:57 PM
A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been ****ed! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your ****ed!" he says and starts to row away.

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 10:00 PM
Young Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
DAD: "Only if you suck my c%ck, Susan. You know the rules..."
Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his unit out and she plants her lips around it. Instantly she recoils in disgust.
SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like ****!"
DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty bucks..."

PaintballCLE
03-28-2009, 10:04 PM
A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a dump and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

eddie mac
03-28-2009, 10:55 PM
An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

eddie mac
03-28-2009, 11:02 PM
There were three wannabe astronauts, a Russian, an American and an Irishman, sitting in a bar.

The Russian says "Us Russians are the best because we were the first in orbit."

The American says "Us Americans are the best because we were the first on the moon."

Then the Irishman says, "Well us Irish are going to be the first on the sun."

With that the American and the Russian look at the Irishman and say "You'll get burnt you idiot."

The Irishman replies, "We're going at night ya morons!"

eddie mac
03-28-2009, 11:05 PM
There was once an Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Irishman replied, "Keep the ****ing egg!"

Boobs McGee
03-28-2009, 11:27 PM
Was at Barnes and Nobles when I read this one...

Woman's Prayer
-----------------------------
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who is handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. When he says he'll call, he won't wait
weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, he won't be
annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How
big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my
friend.
Amen.

MAN'S PRAYER
-----------------------------
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a boat.
Amen

eddie mac
03-28-2009, 11:31 PM
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

eddie mac
03-28-2009, 11:33 PM
A new irish priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked irish father Murphy for some advice. irish father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older irish priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The irish father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters', not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Boobs McGee
03-28-2009, 11:36 PM
:rofl: hahahahahahaha

NUB
03-28-2009, 11:37 PM
I found a man standing atop a bridge ready to commit suicide.

I screamed, "Don't do it!"
"Why not?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He said: “Yes.”
I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformation of 1915.”
I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

SoCalBronco
03-29-2009, 12:51 AM
These aren't really offensive and they weren't phrased as jokes per se. Actually, they were said on this very forum. I'm simply posting them here because they were the two times when I laughed the hardest on this forum. Both posts were by the great Clockwork Orange and both were nice jabs on Bob.

1. It was Valentine's Day a few years back. Everyone was talking about what they did for their significant other. Bob said he treats his significant other "great" on Valentine's Day. CO wondered whether that meant that Bob regularly gets a manicure on Valentine's Day.

2. There was another thread were Taco said that getting rep from Hogan was about as likely as finding a condom in Bob's wallet. CO remarked that it was actually highly probable that we would find a condom in Bob's wallet, but that it had probably been there so long that tearing open the wrapper would be like opening a packet of sugar.

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 07:18 AM
A man moves from Oakland to Denver.
After a while he starts feeling mopey and depressed.
He goes to several doctors but no one can figure out
what is wrong.
Finally he notices an odd little old drug store.
Inside is a little old man from eastern Europe.
So the man explains his problem to the old man
The old man hands him a bucket and says
"Go unto de udder room and do dis"
"Forst yu must poop in de bucket"
"Den you must pee on da poop"
"Den you must stick yur head in de bucket
and breath deeply for 10 minute"
The man thinks this is crazy but he
is desparate, so he follows the advice.
After 10 minutes he is feeling great
and in amazement he asks the old
man how that could cure him.
The old man says
"Yu was jist homesick"

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 07:41 AM
Two old hobos, Zeke and Earl, were sitting in a camp by the tracks
reminiscing about their younger days.
Zeke says "Earl, what's the best sex you ever had?"
Earl replies "Well, one day I found a very shapely nude woman over by
the Santa Fe line so I took her back to camp and had glorious sex with
her for a whole week."
Zeke asks "Did she give good blow jobs?"
Earl says "I don't know, I never could find her head."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 09:44 AM
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing
very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.

One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the
loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location
of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young
man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent
view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices
what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter,
he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the
young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon
each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see
the clerk climb up to the top shelf.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again
atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She
notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking
to save herself a trip she yells down,

"Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 09:45 AM
A bear is taking a crap in the woods when a rabbit hops by.

The bear asks the rabbit "Does crap stick to your fur?"

The rabbit says "Why no, it doesn't."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Mogulseeker
03-29-2009, 09:46 AM
A man rolls over in bed and starts fooling around with his wife. When he tries to follow through, his wife says, "not tonight, honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I'd like to stay fresh."

The man rolls over, disappointed, and turns off the lights. A couple of minutes later, he says, "honey?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 09:48 AM
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he
awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and
what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send
me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen..."

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him. . . . . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've s**t the bed!!!!!
<!-- / message --> <!-- sig -->

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 09:51 AM
A man walks into a bar carrying an alligator. He says to the patrons,
"Here's a deal, I'll open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside.
The alligator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove
my unit unscathed. If it works everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The man drops his pants and puts his privates in the alligator's mouth. The
alligator closes its mouth. After a minute the man grabs a beer bottle and bangs
the alligator on top of its head. The alligator opens wide, and he removes
his genitals unscathed.

Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay anyone else a $100 who's willing
to give it a try.

After a while a hand goes up at the back of the bar. It's a young blond woman.
"I'll give it a try" she says "but you have to promise me you won't hit me
on the head with a beer bottle."

Mogulseeker
03-29-2009, 09:51 AM
A woman goes in for a physical, and the Doctor notices a big rash in the shape of a "C" on her chest. He asks her what might have caused it, she replies, "my boyfriend goes to the University of Colorado and likes to wear his school shirt when we have sex."

Another woman walks in with the same issue. When asked, she tells the Doctor, "My boyfriend goes to California and likes to wear his sweater when we have sex."

A third woman walks into the room, this time with a big M on her chest.

The Doctor replies, "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan and likes to wear his shirt when you have sex?"

The woman replies, "No ... my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

OABB
03-29-2009, 09:52 AM
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 09:55 AM
A Russian woman married an American gentleman and they lived happily
ever after in Denver. However, the poor lady was not very proficient
in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how
to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse
to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and
gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find
a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Scroll down)









What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.

.............I don't know about you sometimes!

Mogulseeker
03-29-2009, 10:01 AM
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Thats hilarious ... itt'd be funnier if it were a priest.

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:10 AM
Fred's wife goes missing while diving off the coast of Maine
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old sergeant and a young rookie. The Sarge says,
"Buddy, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,
but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says Fred, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about 20 feet in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

Fred is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and starts to
cry. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,
"What's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized lobsters and several nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share."

He hands the Fred a gunny sack with a couple of nice lobsters and four or
five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're beautiful. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you'd like, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna head over
there and pull her up again.....!"

OABB
03-29-2009, 10:10 AM
What's black and blue and hates sex?













the five year old in the trunk of my car.

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:12 AM
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .


(This is priceless)
^
^
^
^
^
......

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:13 AM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went
to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:15 AM
A well off veterinarian sends his daughter to a prestigious
Ivy League school back east.
This is a really big school with lots of buildings and acres of land.
After a few days the girl gets tired of walking to classes from
building to building.
So she writes to her father asking for money to buy a bicycle.
After she gets the money she goes downtown to buy one.
But on the way she passes a pet store and sees a very cute
little monkey in the window.
She thinks the monkey is very cute, and decides maybe walking
is good for her. So she buys the monkey instead.
But when she gets it home and starts to pet it, its hair starts
coming off.
So she writes to her father: All the hair is rubbing off my monkey,
what should I do?
Her father writes back: Sell the bicycle.

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:17 AM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop
and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, grinning, tears welling in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:23 AM
A phone call from Ernesto....

"Hello, Kaptain Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at you country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor that your dog died."
"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart"
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue
and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto,,,,,,,,,,,if you broke that driver - you're in deep ****!"

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:27 AM
A Rockies fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan are walking
through a park when they spot a pair of legs sticking out from
some bushes.
They go over to investigate and find a nude dead woman.
So out of respect the Rockies fan puts his ball cap over the
woman's right breast. The the Red Sox fan puts his cap over
the woman's right breast. Then the Yankees fan puts his
cap over the woman's crotch.
Just then they spot a policeman and call him over.
The policeman takes out his notepad and begins writing.
Then he lifts the Rockies cap briefly and puts it back,
and starts writing some more. He does the same with
the Red Sox cap. Then he lifts the Yankees cap,
takes a long look, puts it back. Then he lifts it again
and takes an even longer look. Then he lifts the Yankees
cap a third time and just stares.
The Yankees fan becomes angry and asks the policeman
if he is some kind of a pervert.
The policeman says no, it's just that every time he has
ever looked under a Yankees cap before, all he has ever
seen is an a--hole.

OABB
03-29-2009, 10:33 AM
What's blackk and sits at the top of the stairs smoking?





Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:34 AM
A man is the sole survivor of a ship wreck and is washed ashore on a deserted island.
The island is quite lush so he doesn't have to worry about food,
and shelter is easy to make. In fact life there is too easy.
He gets rather bored and the only thing he has to occupy his time is to masturbate.

But as the months go by even that starts to get boring and he finds it
more and more difficult to get it up.

Suddenly one day he see a ship on the horizon.
So he lights his signal fire and to his joy the ship sees it and starts
to head toward the island.
So as he sits back and waits for the ship to arrive he starts to imagine
what it will be like to be rescued.

First off I will take a warm bath. Then I will dress in fine clothing.
I will go to the dining room and have a wonderful, elegant meal.
And there will be fine ladies there, dressed in beautiful gowns.
I will invite one of them to may table to dine with me.
She will have blond hair and deep blue eyes and she will
have perfume that smells of delicate flowers.
Later we will adjourn to my room where she will undress for me.
She will have flawless skin and a firm tight body.
We will then precede to make passionate love.

Suddenly he started getting hard, and begins to furiously masturbate.
Afterwards he looks down and laughs.
"Ha ha, fooled you. There was no ship."

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 10:38 AM
Brenda McNalley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."......

OABB
03-29-2009, 10:42 AM
Q: What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

A: An erection.

kupesdad
03-29-2009, 12:02 PM
A man dies and goes to hell. The devil is there to meet him and explain how everything works so he asks the man " when you were alive did you like to drink?" The man replies "of course" So the devil says " you are really gonna enjoy Mondays..all of the finest liquor, champagne, beer and the best thing about it is you will never get a hangover. So the guy says to himself " this hell place isn't so bad..." The devil asks him " did you do drugs when you were alive?" the man replies "of course" Satan says " you are really going to love Tuesdays.. all of the best pot, cocaine, and pills you could ever want. And the best thing is you never have to worry about becoming addicted." So the guy says " this place isn't too bad, I think I'm going to like it". Satan asks the guy "When you were living did you enjoy sex and sodomy with other men?" The man was completely grossed out and said " of course not" . Satan smiles and shakes his head and says " You're gonna HATE Wednesdays"...

maher_tyler
03-29-2009, 12:15 PM
1.5 million people attended the inauguration parade last week.
Only 10 of them missed work.

Hilarious! WOW

SlipperyPete
03-29-2009, 12:35 PM
A little girl walks on her parents having sex. She stands there for a few minutes before they notice her, and when they do, she runs back to her bedroom.

The wife pushes her husband off and tells him "You're the one who wanted to have sex, so this is your responsibility. Go talk to her and make sure she's OK".

The frustrated father goes to his daughter's room. He explains that what she saw Mommy and Daddy doing was perfectly normal, and that sex is how people express their love for each other. Then he asks if she has any questions.

The little girl thinks about it and then asks "What were those two big round things on Mommy's chest?" Her father tells her those are Mommy's breasts. The little girl asks "When will I get those?" He tells her they'll grow as she gets older.

The little girl thinks some more and then asks "What was that big thing between your legs?" Her father tells her that was his penis. The little girl asks "When will I get that?"

The father smiles and explains that girls don't get penises.

The little girl says "Well, it looked like Mommy was getting it pretty good! Isn't it my turn now?"

(ALTERNATE MORE-OFFENSIVE ENDING)

The little girl thinks some more and then asks "What was that big thing between your legs?" Her father tells her that was his penis. The little girl asks "When will I get that?"

Her father thinks for a moment, glances over at the bedroom door, and tells her "As soon as Mommy falls asleep".

Bronco Bob
03-29-2009, 11:55 PM
1.5 million people attended the inauguration parade last week.
Only 10 of them missed work.

I have to admit that when I'm watching a parade, I don't miss work either. :~ohyah!:

Connecticut Bronco Fan
05-01-2009, 05:09 PM
It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly!"
Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency........."Swine Flu!"

PaintballCLE
10-06-2009, 04:57 PM
what did the one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?



See you next month!

ShutDownPoster
10-06-2009, 07:07 PM
What happens to a Jew when he runs into a wall with an erection? - He breaks his nose.

oubronco
10-06-2009, 07:55 PM
What happened to the Cowboys?

They got "BEAT DOWN"

Cito Pelon
10-06-2009, 08:01 PM
The always classic is:

What does a Raider fan say to his partner after orgasm?

"Get off me, Dad, yer crushing my smokes."

atomicbloke
10-06-2009, 08:06 PM
Joe was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, real estate agent, store owner, etc.

But Joe was being uncharacteristically quiet. So the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and he takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Joe aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Joe, “He actually plays football for the Oakland Raiders but I was just too embarrassed to say.”
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beanerbronco
10-06-2009, 09:54 PM
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

"Juan on Juan"

OABB
10-06-2009, 10:51 PM
why do mexicans drive cars with such small steering wheels?



so they can drive with handcuffs on.