Hogan11
10-24-2008, 09:17 AM
You know the drill (drill Baby drill!!!!)
October 17, 2008
New Rule: It's okay for John McCain to say "ass." This week "Senator Moodswing" said he was going to "whip Barack Obama's you-know-what." Please, Senator, when the cranky old-timer decides he's going to kick the black guy's ass, it usually...doesn't work out...that well. [a series of slides showing baseball pitcher Pedro Martinez in altercation with bench coach Don Zimmer who ends up on the ground]
New Rule: Stop sensationalizing the California wildfires by showing me the melted baby doll and the burned front yard swing. I don't have kids. You want me to feel the depths of the tragedy? Try the charred stripper pole.
New Rule: Someone needs to explain to the 18-year-old Russian girl who's dating Ron Wood that he's not Mick Jagger. It's an honest mistake, Ekaterina Ivanova, and you're not the first part-time model from Moscow to make it. But, you know, if you girls would just buy the CD's instead of downloading them illegally, you'd know what the Rolling Stones look like.
New Rule: If you buy your kid a SWAT team costume for Halloween, the state gets to take your kids away. Little Joey wants candy and he knows how to get it. Forget ringing the doorbell. He's going to knock it down with a battering ram. "Trick or treat, motherf*ckers!" "Give me the chocolate or grandma gets it!"
New Rule: Stop saying, "This picture proves something about John McCain." [shot of McCain making face behind Obama] There's no deep, meaningful, political point to this photograph. It's just HILARIOUS!
And, finally, New Rule: Now that Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy have done what George Bush and Henry Paulson couldn't, maybe it's time conservatives accepted that there's more to Europe than just castles and accordion music. Sarah Palin recently explained proudly that she wasn't one of those kids who graduates college and their parents get them a passport and a backpack and say, "Go off and travel the world." Oh, God, no, that's the kind of thing that could open up your mind.
No, Sarah stayed right here in America and learned about foreign cultures the proper way: by standing on the shore with a pair of binoculars.
You know, the specter of becoming a little more European doesn't frighten me so much because, in the recent crisis, it was the wiser, less swaggering leaders of Europe who came through with a financial plan that might actually work; the plan that George Bush is now doing; the plan he didn't want to do because, a) if it did work, it might threaten his perfect record of monstrous, retarded disasters - that make Armageddon look like a flesh wound - and, b) it was socialism, which he equates with poor black folks getting cheese for free.
But, maybe things have gotten so bad here, the public is finally receptive to the notion that we could learn something from other nations. Europe's currency happens to be kicking our currency's ass. And they cover everyone with health care at far less cost, and beat us in life expectancies. We're 38th in the world in that category, behind Colombia, Morocco and Costa Rica. "USA! USA! USA!"
Europeans are leading the "green" revolution, and their infrastructure is gleaming and efficient, with thousands of miles of high-speed rail track. We have the trolley at the mall that takes you from Pottery Barn to the Gap.
And perhaps most important of all, they're way less uptight about drugs and sex! The proof being that you can literally masturbate to their first ladies. [photo of Mrs. Sarkozy] Mrs. Sarkozy.
In conclusion, let me tell you a little personal story by way of analogy between me and my country that I still do love and that I still do want to see rebound. Back in 1985, when I was a 29-year-old "actor," I got on a sitcom and immediately blew all the money on a Mercedes sports car in which I felt very jaunty when I flirted with girls at red lights.
But, one night I was shooting a driving scene in the immortal film, "Pizza Man." And I pulled up to stop at a red light, and I gave my best "Mac Daddy" wave to a woman in the next car who then drove off in disgust. Which confused me until I remembered I wasn't in my shiny, new sports car; I was in the prop car.
Like America now, I had the Mercedes attitude, but I was actually in a Chevette. But, it all turned out for the best because that woman turned out to be David Lee Roth.
October 17, 2008
New Rule: It's okay for John McCain to say "ass." This week "Senator Moodswing" said he was going to "whip Barack Obama's you-know-what." Please, Senator, when the cranky old-timer decides he's going to kick the black guy's ass, it usually...doesn't work out...that well. [a series of slides showing baseball pitcher Pedro Martinez in altercation with bench coach Don Zimmer who ends up on the ground]
New Rule: Stop sensationalizing the California wildfires by showing me the melted baby doll and the burned front yard swing. I don't have kids. You want me to feel the depths of the tragedy? Try the charred stripper pole.
New Rule: Someone needs to explain to the 18-year-old Russian girl who's dating Ron Wood that he's not Mick Jagger. It's an honest mistake, Ekaterina Ivanova, and you're not the first part-time model from Moscow to make it. But, you know, if you girls would just buy the CD's instead of downloading them illegally, you'd know what the Rolling Stones look like.
New Rule: If you buy your kid a SWAT team costume for Halloween, the state gets to take your kids away. Little Joey wants candy and he knows how to get it. Forget ringing the doorbell. He's going to knock it down with a battering ram. "Trick or treat, motherf*ckers!" "Give me the chocolate or grandma gets it!"
New Rule: Stop saying, "This picture proves something about John McCain." [shot of McCain making face behind Obama] There's no deep, meaningful, political point to this photograph. It's just HILARIOUS!
And, finally, New Rule: Now that Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy have done what George Bush and Henry Paulson couldn't, maybe it's time conservatives accepted that there's more to Europe than just castles and accordion music. Sarah Palin recently explained proudly that she wasn't one of those kids who graduates college and their parents get them a passport and a backpack and say, "Go off and travel the world." Oh, God, no, that's the kind of thing that could open up your mind.
No, Sarah stayed right here in America and learned about foreign cultures the proper way: by standing on the shore with a pair of binoculars.
You know, the specter of becoming a little more European doesn't frighten me so much because, in the recent crisis, it was the wiser, less swaggering leaders of Europe who came through with a financial plan that might actually work; the plan that George Bush is now doing; the plan he didn't want to do because, a) if it did work, it might threaten his perfect record of monstrous, retarded disasters - that make Armageddon look like a flesh wound - and, b) it was socialism, which he equates with poor black folks getting cheese for free.
But, maybe things have gotten so bad here, the public is finally receptive to the notion that we could learn something from other nations. Europe's currency happens to be kicking our currency's ass. And they cover everyone with health care at far less cost, and beat us in life expectancies. We're 38th in the world in that category, behind Colombia, Morocco and Costa Rica. "USA! USA! USA!"
Europeans are leading the "green" revolution, and their infrastructure is gleaming and efficient, with thousands of miles of high-speed rail track. We have the trolley at the mall that takes you from Pottery Barn to the Gap.
And perhaps most important of all, they're way less uptight about drugs and sex! The proof being that you can literally masturbate to their first ladies. [photo of Mrs. Sarkozy] Mrs. Sarkozy.
In conclusion, let me tell you a little personal story by way of analogy between me and my country that I still do love and that I still do want to see rebound. Back in 1985, when I was a 29-year-old "actor," I got on a sitcom and immediately blew all the money on a Mercedes sports car in which I felt very jaunty when I flirted with girls at red lights.
But, one night I was shooting a driving scene in the immortal film, "Pizza Man." And I pulled up to stop at a red light, and I gave my best "Mac Daddy" wave to a woman in the next car who then drove off in disgust. Which confused me until I remembered I wasn't in my shiny, new sports car; I was in the prop car.
Like America now, I had the Mercedes attitude, but I was actually in a Chevette. But, it all turned out for the best because that woman turned out to be David Lee Roth.