View Full Version : More Ron Paul stories from the web.
08-31-2007, 02:42 AM
Ron Paul and the Pied Piper Scandal
Presidential candidate Ron Paul was stung yesterday after rivals exposed his use of a performance enhancing character. So far the Ron Paul campaign has had no comment on the allegations that it employed the legendary Pied Piper to draw voters to minor straw poll events, though it has not denied previous accusations about its tactics in internet polls. The use of performance enhancing characters has been widely condemned in US politics ever since John F. Kennedy's legacy was tarnished by his use of a leprechaun.
Mitt Romney first brought the straw poll issue after Paul won a few straw polls, including events in Alabama and New Hampshire. "It's just not right," fumed Romney, "we're supposed to win these things by buying off voters with free tickets, food, and transportation." Kent Snyder, campaign manager for Ron Paul, responded by criticizing Romney's money politics, but did not deny the charge.
The story has fleshed out as follows. Ron Paul read about the Pied Piper in his childhood and always had a secret fascination for the character. Somehow, in a way not yet known, Paul discovered a secret door into the magical world where the Pied Piper and other mythical characters live. He entered and met with the Pied Piper, discussing his libertarian and federalist views. The musical character, who apparently already had libertarian leanings, jumped on the Ron Paul bandwagon and offered his help.
The Ron Paul campaign deployed the Piper during the West Alabama straw poll, helping the candidate to win in a landslide. He was able to get the Piper to New Hampshire in time for another small poll and secured victory there as well, though not by the same margin. They also sent the Piper to North Carolina, but he arrived late and Paul only finished in third place.
Other candidates have also condemned Ron Paul's use of performance enhancing characters. Rudy Giuliani described it as "absurd and outrageous" and said that if Paul doesn't stop, then Giuliani may have to resort to campaigning in drag. Mike Huckabee retracted his complaint after accusations surfaced that he had used diet drugs to lose weight. Duncan Hunter was particularly upset, as he had falled under the Piper's sway in the Alabama event and tried to vote for Ron Paul - though his vote did not count as he is not from Alabama. John McCain could not be reached for comment as he is struggling for air.
Rumors are now circulating that the Paul campaign will expand its use of the Piper in an attempt to get the mainstream media to attend the candidate's press conferences. Snyder had no comment on that allegation either.
08-31-2007, 02:44 AM
Ron Paul Supporter Hospitalized After 36 Hour Web-Posting Marathon
AUSTIN, TX (AP Newsliar) -- A Ron Paul supporter collapsed from exhaustion after spending 36 hours straight on the Internet, posting pro-Paul comments on various blogs,
repeatedly viewing videos to pad the stats of the Ron Paul YouTube channel, and stuffing the virtual ballot boxes of numerous online presidential polls.
29 year old Jeremy Ditmunder of Austin, Texas is listed in stable condition, suffering from extreme exhaustion, dehydration, and carpal tunnel syndrome.
He is expected to make a complete recovery, but his absence from the Paul campaign is going to be felt.
The only two other known Ron Paul supporters, Wendy Staples and Barbara Milligan, could not be reached for comment, as they themselves were
busy posting on the web to maintain the illusion of broad support for Paul.
08-31-2007, 02:47 AM
Ron Paul: Victory in Iowa Straw Poll
Congressman Ron Paul declared victory tonight after his 5th place finish in the straw poll at Ames, Iowa. While the candidate finished behind Mitt Romney and four others, three of the top four are not serious candidates, and Romney spent ridiculous money.
Paul finished with 9 percent of the vote, well above his normal non-internet polling result of between zero and two percent. Campaign manager Kent Snyder was jubilant at a press conference after the event: "We've shattered the 3% barrier and we're gaining ground on 10%, which would vault us into a new level, and then the mainstream media will have to pay attention to Ron Paul."
Below is a detailed analysis of the candidates in the straw poll, their performance, and what it means for the future of the presidential race, America, the world, and the cosmos:
1. Mitt Romney - This closet polygamist reportedly spent an amount equivalent to the annual GDP of the state of Iowa on this straw poll. The funds were allocated to advertising, busing supporters to the poll, and employing henchmen (including Dastardly, Muttley, the Hooded Claw, the Bully Brothers and the Ant Hill Mob) to harass, deter and annoy Ron Paul supporters. With 4500 votes, Romney spent $100K per vote. He will not be able to sustain this spending on a national level.
2. Mike Huckabee - This huckleberry did an outstanding job with 18% in the poll. The Ron Paul team appreciates this effort in showing that a nobody can get votes. Looks like Huckabee might have put on a few pounds though from all that corn.
3. Sam Brownback - This guy is obviously a queer. Just look at his name. Who would have figured the gay vote would add up to 15%? He will not be able to replicate this on a national level.
4. Tom Tancredo - Well, who would have figured that the immigration issue would be such a big deal in Iowa? It's not even a border state! Obviously Tancredo cheated somehow. Must have been the Diebold machines.
5. Ron Paul - The leader among candidates with two first names. Considering the lack of quality internet access in Iowa, this performance by the Ron Paul team demonstrates an outstanding chance of success in the coming race in New Hampshire and South Carolina, two states known for their broadband.
6. Tommy Thompson - He was so embarrassed at getting beaten by Ron Paul that he dropped out of the race.
7. Fred Thompson - Lost to Ron Paul by a 9-1 margin, despite having a tremendous advantage in free TV airtime.
8. Rudy Giuliani - Also lost to Ron Paul by a 9-1 margin. That's payback for his disrespectful attack on our fearless leader.
9. Duncan Hunter - Second place among candidates with two first names. But both his first names are cheesy anyway.
There were some other guys, but no one cares about them. Oh, wait, we left out John McCain. Nuff said.
08-31-2007, 02:50 AM
Ron Paul: President or Pornstar?
Presidential hopeful Ron Paul was shocked to the hard core today when a French newspaper conducted an opinion poll asking it's readers what international names they recognized and what position they held in world affairs.
No photographs were used in the survey, only a list of names on a whiteboard.
'Kim Jong Il' was correctly identified as North Korea's long term dictator by 78% of those polled with new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown instantly recognizable to French readers with 84%.
U.S. Presidential hopefuls were also on the list with Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton the most easily recognizable due to her 8 years as America's 1st Lady and long suffering spouse of ex President Bill Clinton coming in with an election winning 94% of those polled.
The inevitable Irish American candidate Barak O'Bama, with his flame red hair and freckles polled an impressive 56%, mainly due to his appearance on Oprah shown on Canal+ where he showcased his Celtic roots with a faultless performance of Micheal Flatleys Riverdance on Oprah's couch and a haunting rendition of Danny Boy that had the audience of silicone and botox enhanced yummy mummy's longing for the ability to express emotion.
In contrast when the shown the name of Republican hopeful Congressman Ron Paul 78% of Parisians confidently named him as 'Ze fat ugly American man wiz ze bad moustache and ze digusting fat bellee in ze porno films on Canalxxx"
So with his best years behind him as a porn star 'Ron Jeremy' may yet decide to enter the race for the White House under the slogan,
"All politicians will screw you, let a qualified professional do the job"
God help America.
08-31-2007, 02:53 AM
Bush Declares War On the US
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - Last night, George W. Bush declared war on the United States of America. Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich tried to block the action, but new appointee Alberto Gonzales ruled in favor of George Bush.
Alberto Gonzales was appointed to the Supreme Court in a new position created by President Bush, Head Supreme Court Justice. President Bush gave Alberto Gonzales this position by Executive Order, which gives Gonzales the power to overrule no mater what the other Supreme Court Justices decide.
As soon as Gonzales ruled in his favor, President Bush released this document to the press:
I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, determine that the actions of certain persons to undermine Lebanon's legitimate and democratically elected government or democratic institutions, to contribute to the deliberate breakdown in the rule of law in Lebanon, including through politically motivated violence and intimidation, to reassert Syrian control or contribute to Syrian interference in Lebanon, or to infringe upon or undermine Lebanese sovereignty contribute to political and economic instability in that country and the region and constitute an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States, and I hereby declare a national emergency to deal with that threat.Please note the end of the last sentence. No one is sure what violence in Lebanon has to do with a national emergency in the US. Of course, no one has been sure of ANYTHING that President Bush has done since he came into office.
08-31-2007, 03:59 PM
Ron Paul Receives More Political Endorsements
Republican Candidate for the U.S. Presidency Ron Paul received several more endorsements today from various political and non political groups. Paul is running on the Republican ticket and is currently a member of the House of Representatives in his tenth term. He once, however, ran for president on the Libertarian ticket, placing a distant third behind George H.W. Bush and Michael Dukakis.
Before entering politics, Ron was Dr. Paul and delivered approximately 4000 babies during his years as an Ob/Gyn.
The following groups have endorsed Paul:
Hugh Hefner and Playboy Enterprises: Said one Miss July, "If you are going to be in office, you're going to get to deal with lots of pussies. Just ask Bill Clinton. Ron Paul knows p***Y!"
The Ku Klux Klan: "We've read his racist comments about blacks and that he supports a ban on gay marriage. We like him for that, and also the fact that he's probably seen more poontang than any man running for the office since JFK."
Cal Jennings: "If you vote fer Ron, I might let you have a go at my sister. If he wins and gets millions of votes, it may just keep her busy fer a while and away from the herd." Note: Mr. Jennings is a comedy and political writer from West By God Virginia.
John Kerry: "He flip flops parties almost as much as I flip flop on issues. He helped get Reagan in office as a Republican, then he ran against his Vice President as a Libertarian, and now he's running as a Republican again. I just have to admire that! Oh, one other thing: like me, he's also got two first names!"
The John Birch Society: "Yes, we like him. If you've got a problem with that, we'll have to shoot you, you un-American pinko commie jew lovin' bastard."
The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company: "We've been providing Goodyear blimp sized condoms to almost every Texan (except the Bush family) since LBJ falsified numbers to win his first election. We'd love to see another Texan try to screw the competition (we're not called the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company for nothing!)."
The Large, Tall, Untalented Cross Dressers of America: "Ron Paul? We thought you said RuPaul. Is this just his/her stage name? No? Never mind."
08-31-2007, 04:03 PM
Official GOP Elephant Wants OUT of Republican Party
AC DC - In Washington to day Clyde the official Republican elephant and mascot announced he is becoming an "independent". Clyde, who has learned 3000 words of a special sign language, spoke to reporters through an interpretor.
"I am a peace loving animal," said Clyde, "I only wanted to do my job and give back to my adopted country. What have the Republican's given me? Nothing but peanuts! I'm sick of stinkin' peanuts! If I wanted Peanuts I could work for Jimmy Carter! Bush is an idiot too. I told him to crush the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden, so what does he do? He invades Iraq! But really the final straw was Ron Paul, I once loved him, he was very kind and gentle to me, but now he's just like them other baboons! I quit!"
Clyde took no questions from the press as he dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief and borded a special trailer. He plans to retire in New Orleans.