What do you hate the worst?

[Atlas]

I hate the fact I might have to take a sh1t in public and I go into the mens room and it is one of these auto-flushes. I hate it when they flush before you do your business. I mean WTH are you supposed to do with your pants around your knees and the toilet is flushing violently under your ass?

[Bronco LB 59]

I feel your pain Atlas! I also hate it when you really have to take a ****, you get to the stalls, both of them have been napalmed, the floor is a quadmire and there are no COWBOY HATS on the wall!

[DennisSmithHOF]

I feel your pain Atlas! I also hate it when you really have to take a ****, you get to the stalls, both of them have been napalmed, the floor is a quadmire and there are no COWBOY HATS on the wall!

LOL Huge fan of the term "napalmed" there.

[Dukes]

The worst bathrooms you'll find are ones at state parks, national parks and beaches. You know the ones, with stainless stell and no actual handles for flushing. Just a button that never works. And for some reason, they always reak of unrine.

[BizzyBone7]

I just hate dropping a deucer in public. The noises that would come out could scare little children and young adults.
And that auto-flush is a scary thing. If you lean too far back, it could suck out your spleen. Trust me, I've seen it.

[watermock]

Speaking of public bathroom angst, who was the genius that put the bathrooms in Casey's quikie marts behind and to the left of the counter. How easy to set yourself up for a robbery. Another time I walked in the home town Casey's and the woman had a whole day's take just bundled right on the front counter and was counting it. I couldn't believe it. There has to be an office in the back, and again, it's right next to the rear bathroom.

I hate it when you have urgency and you take the first opportunity and the can is absolutely filthy. I also hate those air dryers. Great, wash your hands then touch the button everyone else pushed, then when you open the door, your hands are dirty again.

People say money is filthy, and they are right. Think many hands that quarter has gone thru!

[Dudeskey]

I hate the fact I might have to take a sh1t in public and I go into the mens room and it is one of these auto-flushes. I hate it when they flush before you do your business. I mean WTH are you supposed to do with your pants around your knees and the toilet is flushing violently under your ass?

Here's what I do w/ auto-flushes.... 1 get a couple sheets of toilet paper & spit on a spot, then place the TP over the "ass sensor"... then go about your buisness and toilet won't flush... when done, remove toilet paper from sensor.
:~ohyah!:

[bendog]

I sort of like them. They remind me of bidets.

[Rock Chalk]

I have an interesting anecdote to share.

My friend from Japan who is over here as an international student was not fond of his first and to date only American public restroom experience. It seems that the fact the doors do not go all the way up and all the way to the bottom of the floor concerns him because apparently - to him anyway - someone can "peek under the door". While I assured him that in my 20 some odd years of public restroom experiences this has never once happened to me, nor anyone I know, he was not comfortable with the fact that people could look under the door and see him emptying his colon.

That and the fact that toilet seats in America are not heated disturbs him. This was a great culture shock to me as I had no idea that toilet seats in Japan are heated. I thought "Why the hell havent American's done this with their toilet seats!?!"

[bendog]

I like France, where you can stand not only to pee like a man but to **** as well.

[clarkster]

personally im not a fan of a warm seat. it just feels like someone got off of it.
the spackling of the toilet does piss me off. i mean wtf? another thing that ****s me off is the toilet paper stuck all around the seat(or the paper ass gasket). i asked a guy once after he walked away leaving his paper on the seat and he said he cant touch it, it has germs on it.
man if that makes you mad, you should spend a few years in the Navy. theres some filthy human beings on the planet.

[BlaK-Argentina]

I have to say... this is one disturbing thread.
Fortunately I've never had to "go" in a public restroom... that's not something I'm looking forward to... ;D

[TerrElway]

I just had a bad outhouse experience with a crowder/noisemaker? What's that you ask? Read on.

I am a very private bathroom person. I don't know what my parents did to me but I cringe at the thought of using a public bathroom. I hate using the loo at home if my kids are right outside the door yapping, "Dad? What are you doing? Are you done? Dad? DAD?" I just need peace and quiet and a good book. That's all I ask. Apparently I am the only man on earth who feels this way because whenever I have to use the stalls at work, I encounter all sorts of miscreants with no bathroom etiquette whatsoever. They break down as such:

The Crowder: When I go to the boys room, I always use the stall farthest from the door next to the wall. That way, I will never have to worry about having someone on either side of me. If there is someone in a stall, I always give at least a one stall buffer. If there is no buffer, I suck it up until later. However, I seem to attract Crowders. You know, the guy who comes into the bathroom and, given the choice of 5 empty stalls, he plops down in the one next to you. What a bozo.

The Noisemaker: This guy sounds like he's practicing to break the world dead lift record. He grunts and groans and squeezes and breathes hard and generally makes you wish you had done your business at home.

The Fiber Guy: This guy subsists on Raisin Bran and bean burritos. What else can account for the fact that no sooner do his pants hit the floor than things start splashing. Sounds of ANY kind coming from an adjacent stall are to be avoided at all costs.

The Best Guy Ever: This guy walks in, stops just inside the door, bends slightly to look under the stalls to see if they are occupied, and if they are, he leaves until later. This guy rules because he is just like me.

[rugbythug]

I just go in and poop. I don't really think about it.

[clarkster]

I just had a bad outhouse experience with a crowder/noisemaker? What's that you ask? Read on.

I am a very private bathroom person. I don't know what my parents did to me but I cringe at the thought of using a public bathroom. I hate using the loo at home if my kids are right outside the door yapping, "Dad? What are you doing? Are you done? Dad? DAD?" I just need peace and quiet and a good book. That's all I ask. Apparently I am the only man on earth who feels this way because whenever I have to use the stalls at work, I encounter all sorts of miscreants with no bathroom etiquette whatsoever. They break down as such:

The Crowder: When I go to the boys room, I always use the stall farthest from the door next to the wall. That way, I will never have to worry about having someone on either side of me. If there is someone in a stall, I always give at least a one stall buffer. If there is no buffer, I suck it up until later. However, I seem to attract Crowders. You know, the guy who comes into the bathroom and, given the choice of 5 empty stalls, he plops down in the one next to you. What a bozo.

The Noisemaker: This guy sounds like he's practicing to break the world dead lift record. He grunts and groans and squeezes and breathes hard and generally makes you wish you had done your business at home.

The Fiber Guy: This guy subsists on Raisin Bran and bean burritos. What else can account for the fact that no sooner do his pants hit the floor than things start splashing. Sounds of ANY kind coming from an adjacent stall are to be avoided at all costs.

The Best Guy Ever: This guy walks in, stops just inside the door, bends slightly to look under the stalls to see if they are occupied, and if they are, he leaves until later. This guy rules because he is just like me.

agreed. quick story, went to the inlaws house last month for a week, theyve got one ****ter, and its off the kitchen. no good for me. i had to strategically plan when and where id crap to avoid the crowd. what a drag. key selling point on the house i just bought, 2 bathrooms. im good to go.

[broncswin]

I just had a bad outhouse experience with a crowder/noisemaker? What's that you ask? Read on.

I am a very private bathroom person. I don't know what my parents did to me but I cringe at the thought of using a public bathroom. I hate using the loo at home if my kids are right outside the door yapping, "Dad? What are you doing? Are you done? Dad? DAD?" I just need peace and quiet and a good book. That's all I ask. Apparently I am the only man on earth who feels this way because whenever I have to use the stalls at work, I encounter all sorts of miscreants with no bathroom etiquette whatsoever. They break down as such:

The Crowder: When I go to the boys room, I always use the stall farthest from the door next to the wall. That way, I will never have to worry about having someone on either side of me. If there is someone in a stall, I always give at least a one stall buffer. If there is no buffer, I suck it up until later. However, I seem to attract Crowders. You know, the guy who comes into the bathroom and, given the choice of 5 empty stalls, he plops down in the one next to you. What a bozo.

The Noisemaker: This guy sounds like he's practicing to break the world dead lift record. He grunts and groans and squeezes and breathes hard and generally makes you wish you had done your business at home.

The Fiber Guy: This guy subsists on Raisin Bran and bean burritos. What else can account for the fact that no sooner do his pants hit the floor than things start splashing. Sounds of ANY kind coming from an adjacent stall are to be avoided at all costs.

The Best Guy Ever: This guy walks in, stops just inside the door, bends slightly to look under the stalls to see if they are occupied, and if they are, he leaves until later. This guy rules because he is just like me.




OMG, that is some of the funniest sh!t I have ever heard. I can't believe you actually take the time to designate a name for each of these subjects, but thank you, I will surely pass it on!! :notworthy

[Los Broncos]

I just hate dropping a deucer in public. The noises that would come out could scare little children and young adults.
And that auto-flush is a scary thing. If you lean too far back, it could suck out your spleen. Trust me, I've seen it.

:rofl: :rofl:

[Los Broncos]

I hate going with my gf to Ross or Marshalls and having to crush one and the head is trashed and i dont have any wet naps.

[ludo21]

http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:H5bv4XATILOj1M:http://www.fatass.com/humor/poops.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.fatass.com/humor/poops.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.fatass.com/humor/poops.html&h=350&w=316&sz=15&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=H5bv4XATILOj1M:&tbnh=120&tbnw=108&prev=/images%3Fq%3DEverybody%2Bpoops%26svnum%3D10%26um%3 D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN)


http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:YJ391o1_pV-2aM:http://www.nexternal.com/tshirtstha/images/poop.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.nexternal.com/tshirtstha/images/poop.jpg&imgrefurl=http://george-w-bush.livejournal.com/36019.html&h=238&w=235&sz=14&hl=en&start=7&um=1&tbnid=YJ391o1_pV-2aM:&tbnh=109&tbnw=108&prev=/images%3Fq%3DEverybody%2Bpoops%26svnum%3D10%26um%3 D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN)

[-Slap-]

The Best Guy Ever: This guy walks in, stops just inside the door, bends slightly to look under the stalls to see if they are occupied, and if they are, he leaves until later. This guy rules because he is just like me.

This is me, too. I don't even like to take a piss if someone is in there dropping a deuce.

Why? I'll tell you why: AIRBORNE FECAL PARTICULATES!

Don't want 'em on me. Don't want 'em in my nostrils.

[Los Broncos]

This is me, too. I don't even like to take a piss if someone is in there dropping a deuce.

Why? I'll tell you why: AIRBORNE FECAL PARTICULATES!

Don't want 'em on me. Don't want 'em in my nostrils.


Omg are u kidding?

[Odysseus]

Napalm?
You guys want to talk napalm? Try going in a porta potty after some curry eating *$%& and 30 of his friends. You will learn to miss American crappers. The worst truck stop you can imagine still has a slight whiff of cherry cola and snickers bars. You need to go crap in place somewhere that invetned the rancid azz.

You end up knowing the difference between an Iraqi turd and an Indian and it's a little more than just the curry.

I saw this hard core Marine all bedecked in mud and battle gear come running of one such crapper screaming "Good Lord!" like he came from a hornets nest. He barely got his pants up.

Warm seat?
Try sitting on a porta pot that has been sitting in 130 degree heat all day. I didn't know you could scald your balls. I thought that was just a rumor.

What a crappy thread...literally.

[HorseHead]

try doin' your business in either New York City Airport. Your better off drinking the water in New Dehli.....

[alkemical]

Ya, i am one of those as well that just doesn't think about it.

[Dukes]

Napalm?
You guys want to talk napalm? Try going in a porta potty after some curry eating *$%& and 30 of his friends. You will learn to miss American crappers. The worst truck stop you can imagine still has a slight whiff of cherry cola and snickers bars. You need to go crap in place somewhere that invetned the rancid azz.

You end up knowing the difference between an Iraqi turd and an Indian and it's a little more than just the curry.

I saw this hard core Marine all bedecked in mud and battle gear come running of one such crapper screaming "Good Lord!" like he came from a hornets nest. He barely got his pants up.

Warm seat?
Try sitting on a porta pot that has been sitting in 130 degree heat all day. I didn't know you could scald your balls. I thought that was just a rumor.

What a crappy thread...literally.

Luckily we had A/C trailers only a few hundred yards from the building where I worked. There were two port-a-johns too but you coouldn't go in those from 8am-10pm during the summer. Just too damn hot.

[Northman]

Ive lived this nightmare on many occasion. I try to hit a bathroom that is vacant or early in the morning as most people arent visiting the restroom at those times. But one day i had to go real bad so i went in and there was no one in there. So i was like, **** yea! And man, wouldnt you know it right when i started to explode some dude walks in and there were a couple of women in the hallway. All i could hear was laughter outside the door. That was certainly a lowpoint for me. lmao

[Dukes]

Actually, the worst experience I ever had was during boot camp in San Diego. I didn't **** for the first two weeks (becasue of nerves) but that was actually a blessing in disguise. Yes the stall's were clean, but try pinching one when you've got 30 seconds and a DI screaming his head off down the hall.

Oh ya I forgot one minor detail........ THE F****** STALL'S DIDN'T HAVE DOORS!!!!!!

[Atlas]

When I was in Iraq I had a learning experience on Arab bathroom manerisms. First of all Arabs don't use toilet paper, They use their left hand. Even as liberal as I am I found this disturbing. What they do is they use their hand to clean their ass then they wash their hand with a bottle of water. That brings me to the other thing they do. When they sh1t they stand up, they don't sit down. Now there were many Iraqis that worked at BIAP where I was and when they had to go they had to use American porta potties, needless to say this befuddled most of them, AND there was no way they were going to sit down on a toilet seat and sh1t. So what they would do is crouch over the seat the best they could and do their business. Mother****ers wound up missing the toilet more than they made it. Sh1t would be all over the place. Ohhh, it was terrible.

Arab Toilet
http://www.choshinet.or.jp/~d2790iye/toilet.jpg

Notice the footmarks for when you have to sh1t.

[crazyhorse]

Who'da thunkit? A bunch o' Donk fans talking' ****.

[Kaylore]

Unless you crap in a pressurized chamber and then detox in airlock when you come out, there are airborne fecal particles all through your house. They did Mythbusters on this where they left culture samples all throughout different parts of a house and found them of the same very minute amounts in a kitchen as they did in the bathroom. Your immune system is powerful enough to tolerate these amounts of contamination.

[Kaylore]

http://www.choshinet.or.jp/~d2790iye/toilet.jpg

Notice the footmarks for when you have to sh1t.
I used those in Korea. They aren't exclusive to the mid-east. You squat, though. You don't stand. You also wipe with paper buy you never, ever put the paper in the toilet. There's a garbage can on the side you throw your refuse in. Guys that were new to the country had to do this bucking trick where they wrap one hand in paper and use it as a kickstand because their bodies weren't used to crouching for extended periods of time (And since their digestive tracts were still adjusting to the new food, they were usually in the bathrooms a long time).

The nice places have these sit-down toilets with heated seats, heated floors and a computer pad that allows for a variety of jet-water cleansing opportunities to clean and dry your under carriage. Some even have a second sprayer for the ladies.

http://www.advancedtoilets.com/lang_english/images/new/products_tbar_mar06.jpg (http://www.advancedtoilets.com/lang_english/features.html)

[TheDave]

Sorry folks, but Fecal coliform bacteria is everywhere... yes even your toothbrush

[Dukes]

Who'da thunkit? A bunch o' Donk fans talking' ****.

Better than masturbation techniques

[Atlas]

I used those in Korea. They aren't exclusive to the mid-east. You squat, though. You don't stand. You also wipe with paper buy you never, ever put the paper in the toilet. There's a garbage can on the side you throw your refuse in. Guys that were new to the country had to do this bucking trick where they wrap one hand in paper and use it as a kickstand because their bodies weren't used to crouching for extended periods of time (And since their digestive tracts were still adjusting to the new food, they were usually in the bathrooms a long time).

The nice places have these sit-down toilets with heated seats, heated floors and a computer pad that allows for a variety of jet-water cleansing opportunities to clean and dry your under carriage. Some even have a second sprayer for the ladies.


I have never been to any Asian countries. I know Europe has them, I figured it was because they have a large Muslim population, especially France.

[SureShot]

At CU me and my buddy made note of almost every 1 seat bathroom on campus. You know just in case. Coffee and nicotine really can get things going in the morning. Luckily I lived close to campus and was never too far from the "friendly confines".

[Falconer]

Actually, the worst experience I ever had was during boot camp in San Diego. I didn't **** for the first two weeks (becasue of nerves) but that was actually a blessing in disguise. Yes the stall's were clean, but try pinching one when you've got 30 seconds and a DI screaming his head off down the hall.

Oh ya I forgot one minor detail........ THE ******* STALL'S DIDN'T HAVE DOORS!!!!!!

Ah yes, I loved the no doors myself. Bootcamp did teach you to get over some of your more shy traits though. Nothing like two people at ever urinal to get you to come out of your shell. LOL

[Kaylore]

I have never been to any Asian countries. I know Europe has them, I figured it was because they have a large Muslim population, especially France.

I would think it would be more that they are dirt cheap and thus a quick-fix for areas with little to no sanitary facilities.

[Billy Clyde Puckett]

Napalm?
You guys want to talk napalm? Try going in a porta potty after some curry eating *$%& and 30 of his friends. You will learn to miss American crappers. The worst truck stop you can imagine still has a slight whiff of cherry cola and snickers bars. You need to go crap in place somewhere that invetned the rancid azz.

You end up knowing the difference between an Iraqi turd and an Indian and it's a little more than just the curry.

I saw this hard core Marine all bedecked in mud and battle gear come running of one such crapper screaming "Good Lord!" like he came from a hornets nest. He barely got his pants up.

Warm seat?
Try sitting on a porta pot that has been sitting in 130 degree heat all day. I didn't know you could scald your balls. I thought that was just a rumor.

What a crappy thread...literally.

LOL

I've been telling you to come home safe but this is the first time I have heard you talk about the real horrors.

[-Slap-]

Unless you crap in a pressurized chamber and then detox in airlock when you come out, there are airborne fecal particles all through your house. They did Mythbusters on this where they left culture samples all throughout different parts of a house and found them of the same very minute amounts in a kitchen as they did in the bathroom. Your immune system is powerful enough to tolerate these amounts of contamination.

My airborne fecal particulates, not yours.

[crazyhorse]

Better than masturbation techniques

I'll take your word for it.

[Billy Clyde Puckett]

My airborne fecal particulates, not yours.

LOL

Now we know for sure you aren't a country boy

[TerrElway]

OMG, that is some of the funniest sh!t I have ever heard. I can't believe you actually take the time to designate a name for each of these subjects, but thank you, I will surely pass it on!! :notworthy

...I write sports humor columns for 2 NCAA team fan websites. This was an excerpt from one of my offseason columns a few years ago. The whole column is called "b****stock" where I just hold a gripe party about some of the things that chap my a**, sports and non-sports related.

So I made up the names for the column, I wouldn't have otherwise.

I write under the name Knute Lombardi (shameless plug) if you want to Google it and see any of my other stuff. It centers mostly around the Utah sports scene because that's where I am and the websites I write for are utah-centric so it may not be funny to someone not in Utah, although some of my stuff is more universal and may appeal to others.

Taco asked me if I wanted to write a column for the board a couple of years ago (I referenced The Mane a few times and I think he saw my stuff or heard about it through a mutual friend) and I passed because I was waaaaaaaaay busy.

I did, however, have the Mane in mind when I wrote this column: 18871

I've been doing it for almost 5 years now and it's always interesting to see how people react to your stuff.

[Billy Clyde Puckett]

"First of all Arabs don't use toilet paper, They use their left hand"

That is why they always eat with their right hand. It is the clean hand and the left is the dirty hand in Isalm. That is the reason cutting off their fight hand for crimes is such a horrible punishment for them.

[watermock]

This is an incredibly neuotic thread.

[Odysseus]

LOL

I've been telling you to come home safe but this is the first time I have heard you talk about the real horrors.

You want to talk about gag reflex? Try walking by when they are cleaning one of those things. You'll be scarred for life.

There are more funky smelling people in the world than I ever imagined. What I would give for a case of Irish Spring soap. Holy Crap. How does a man who bathes daily still smell like foot odor? My frigging eyes are watering as I pretend to fan off an imaginary bug. Are those heat lines coming from his body? Oh man! That ain't right. The things you don't say aloud out here.

[Dukes]

You want to talk about gag reflex? Try walking by when they are cleaning one of those things. You'll be scarred for life.re.

To me the streets of Fallujah smelled a lot worse

[Kaylore]

LOL

Now we know for sure you aren't a country boy

Ha! I wouldn't have pegged him as a "cooties" guy.

[Hogan11]

Laying cable in a public restroom is only done in extreme emergency situations for me....hell, I hate urinals so I head for the stalls when I have to take a leak....maybe it's that Howard Stern "pee-shy" thing but I'm just not comfortable unless I'm taking care of business in as private a setting as possible.

[Hogan11]

Arab Toilet
http://www.choshinet.or.jp/~d2790iye/toilet.jpg

Notice the footmarks for when you have to sh1t.

You know, I had very little interest in ever visiting either the Mid East or the Pacific Rim to begin with...this thing doesn't help improve the chances on that happening at all.

[Garcia Bronco]

this is a poop thread isn't it?

[Dukes]

I just ran across this pick on break.com and thought it was fitting for this thread! ;D


http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c80/nvrsumr/mar21gal39.jpg

[Atlas]

this is a poop thread isn't it?

I guess it is destined for the butt!! LOL

[Atlas]

Hell, it is already in the butt! First interesting thread all week and it goes straight to the sh1tter. I guess that is appropriate.

[alkemical]

This is an incredibly neuotic thread.

Sometimes i wonder if indeed we are all actors reading from a script, irony could not be written any finer.