Hogan11
03-03-2007, 01:40 AM
Read...react...respond.
February 23, 2007
Thank you very much. You did a terrific job. But it is time for you to sit here and listen to me lay down some "New Rules."
Okay. New Rule: The mannequins at the Nike Workout Store must either sprout a penis or lose the boobs. I'm there to pick up a new pair of sneakers, not a post-op tranny. And if all I wanted was to have sex with myself, I wouldn't bother working out to begin with.
New Rule: Don't encourage the boneheads I see walking and driving around to be walking and driving around while they watch TV! According to Steve Jobs, you're just not cool anymore unless you're stumbling down the wrong street watching "Lost." It's true. I saw it on my phone. Say what you want about people who read while they drive, at least it's reading.
New Rule: The folks who designed the poster for "Pan's Labyrinth" must make it look more like a little girl walking into a giant diagram of the female reproductive system. And change the slogan to, "If you ovulate to only one movie this year..."
New Rule: You can't call yourself a "Diva" unless you're a plus-size and extremely talented. Aretha Franklin is a diva. Jennifer Hudson, a diva in training. You, on the other hand, are a 17-year-old white girl from Orange County whose daddy gave you a 280-Z for your birthday. If you act like a diva but don't sing, you're what opera lovers just call "a bitch." This has been a Black History Month Moment.
And finally, New Rule: Hillary Clinton will never be president as long as women keep acting crazy. Now, I know this is not fair. Men don't have to answer for every time Mel Gibson gets drunk and channels Hitler. Or Charlie Sheen hits a hooker over the head with another hooker.
But, the truth is, there are too many misogynists out there just itching for any excuse to say that women are too emotional and unstable to be president. I mean, you know how these guys think: women are ruled by their hormones. As opposed to what a president should be ruled by: the oil and gas lobby.
Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong country.
So...so when Britney Spears shaved her head on an impulse last week, all I could think was one thing. Well, after I thought, hey, the drapes finally match the carpet. But, after that, all I could think of, was that between now and 2008, every time a prominent woman goes bat-****, it's just going to give ammunition to the 34% of Americans who say this country is not ready for a woman president. And, Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, you're not helping!
Astronaut lady with the diapers... Huggies, we have a problem. Now, I'm not saying Mariah Carey could cost Hillary this election. I'm just saying that until November 2008, we're going to have to sweep up the usual suspects. After that, you can go back to acting out all you want.
But until then, Courtney Love has to be chained to a rehab radiator. Lindsay Lohan, "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan, not a dare. And Anna Nicole Smith, you need to get your ass buried! You're decomposing faster than CNN's reputation! You are literally late for your own funeral!
And Paris Hilton, I know you're probably really a sweet girl, but you'll have to be euthanized. You're the ringleader. We've got to cut the head off.
And, of course, above all, no one – no one marries Tom Cruise.
It just seems to me that we may be on the brink of the female presidency version of a Jackie Robinson moment, which I would love to see in my lifetime. So I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Bill Maher has no problem pulling his lever for a woman."
February 23, 2007
Thank you very much. You did a terrific job. But it is time for you to sit here and listen to me lay down some "New Rules."
Okay. New Rule: The mannequins at the Nike Workout Store must either sprout a penis or lose the boobs. I'm there to pick up a new pair of sneakers, not a post-op tranny. And if all I wanted was to have sex with myself, I wouldn't bother working out to begin with.
New Rule: Don't encourage the boneheads I see walking and driving around to be walking and driving around while they watch TV! According to Steve Jobs, you're just not cool anymore unless you're stumbling down the wrong street watching "Lost." It's true. I saw it on my phone. Say what you want about people who read while they drive, at least it's reading.
New Rule: The folks who designed the poster for "Pan's Labyrinth" must make it look more like a little girl walking into a giant diagram of the female reproductive system. And change the slogan to, "If you ovulate to only one movie this year..."
New Rule: You can't call yourself a "Diva" unless you're a plus-size and extremely talented. Aretha Franklin is a diva. Jennifer Hudson, a diva in training. You, on the other hand, are a 17-year-old white girl from Orange County whose daddy gave you a 280-Z for your birthday. If you act like a diva but don't sing, you're what opera lovers just call "a bitch." This has been a Black History Month Moment.
And finally, New Rule: Hillary Clinton will never be president as long as women keep acting crazy. Now, I know this is not fair. Men don't have to answer for every time Mel Gibson gets drunk and channels Hitler. Or Charlie Sheen hits a hooker over the head with another hooker.
But, the truth is, there are too many misogynists out there just itching for any excuse to say that women are too emotional and unstable to be president. I mean, you know how these guys think: women are ruled by their hormones. As opposed to what a president should be ruled by: the oil and gas lobby.
Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong country.
So...so when Britney Spears shaved her head on an impulse last week, all I could think was one thing. Well, after I thought, hey, the drapes finally match the carpet. But, after that, all I could think of, was that between now and 2008, every time a prominent woman goes bat-****, it's just going to give ammunition to the 34% of Americans who say this country is not ready for a woman president. And, Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, you're not helping!
Astronaut lady with the diapers... Huggies, we have a problem. Now, I'm not saying Mariah Carey could cost Hillary this election. I'm just saying that until November 2008, we're going to have to sweep up the usual suspects. After that, you can go back to acting out all you want.
But until then, Courtney Love has to be chained to a rehab radiator. Lindsay Lohan, "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan, not a dare. And Anna Nicole Smith, you need to get your ass buried! You're decomposing faster than CNN's reputation! You are literally late for your own funeral!
And Paris Hilton, I know you're probably really a sweet girl, but you'll have to be euthanized. You're the ringleader. We've got to cut the head off.
And, of course, above all, no one – no one marries Tom Cruise.
It just seems to me that we may be on the brink of the female presidency version of a Jackie Robinson moment, which I would love to see in my lifetime. So I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Bill Maher has no problem pulling his lever for a woman."